Chapter 24
twenty-four
. . .
Riley
Loud shrieking giggles of little babies fill the house. Emmy sits on her play mat, grabbing at her blocks and pushing them over, while Leo Larsson chews on a soft book beside her. And Cora Henry, now three months old, naps in her stroller, somehow sleeping through the noise.
The surprise guest today is Ainsley Walker, thirteen months old.
I wasn’t expecting Tyler to show up on my doorstep with his daughter strapped to his chest, but once he dropped off the week’s delivery, I invited him to stay.
And I’m glad I did. His sister Amelia is the team’s physical therapist, so he’s basically already family.
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would find this kind of community. Acceptance.
“Okay, tell me,” Audrey says as she sips her coffee. “How have things been? Any better?”
Heat licks at my cheeks, and I look away. “They’re fine.”
She and Vanessa exchange a look that speaks volumes, and I squirm in my seat as awkward silence falls over us. They’re judging me. Hell, I’d judge me too. They know as well as I do that I don’t belong here, not really. We’re just playing pretend.
“It’s fine. I’m fine,” I’m quick to add.
Tyler snorts. “Say fine one more time. I dare you.”
“It’s just… I… I don’t know,” I finally admit. “This wasn’t part of the plan.”
“What wasn’t?” The humor fades from Vanessa’s expression as she pats my arm consolingly. “You can talk to us. What’s said here, stays here.”
“Al doesn’t want to get divorced,” I blurt, then immediately cover my face with my hands.
“Okay, so what’s the problem?” Audrey asks. “It’s not like you were planning on doing it anytime soon.”
“It changes things.”
“Does it, though? Does anything need to change?”
We’re married. My job is to make you happy. That’s what he said. Am I crazy for reading into it? For thinking he wants more?
It’s the only thing I’ve been able to think about all week. It’s almost a relief that he’s gone and I don’t have a reprieve from twenty-four seven baby duties. The only problem is that when Emmy’s asleep, my mind is free to wander, and then…
Letting out a groan, I scrub my hands over my face.
“I don’t want things to change, but I think they have to.”
“Take it one step at a time,” Vanessa says. “It doesn’t have to be this big, elaborate thing. Maybe do something just the two of you, without the baby. Not just dinner at home. An actual date.”
“He doesn’t actually like me, though. He wants to make the most of it. I’m just the one he’s stuck with.”
“Or maybe he’s catching feelings,” Tyler suggests.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I say with a laugh.
He shrugs, sipping his tea. “Okay. I don’t know him very well. Maybe I’m reading the situation wrong.”
“He would never fall for me. That’s just… No.”
“Why is it so hard to believe?” Vanessa asks, keeping her tone gentle. “You’re the mother of his child, you live together, you’re married. Sure, it all happened a little backward, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to get to know you better.”
“We slept together,” I blurt, my face flaming. “Well, not like that. It was only sleeping. He got home at four o’clock in the morning and Emmy was sick and… We slept in the same bed. We’ve never done that before, and haven’t since.”
“But you can’t stop thinking about it,” Audrey says knowingly.
“Yeah.”
His big, strong body wrapped around me, his hairy chest pressed to my back, the thick length of his morning erection digging into the curve of my ass…
“I kind of want to do it again? But it’s weird to ask him to sleep together without sleeping together. I don’t want to have sex with him, I don’t think.”
Tyler raises his eyebrows. “Really? Gonzo is hot as fuck.” When I stare at him, he laughs. “I’m married, not blind.”
“He’s gorgeous, but that doesn’t mean I would…”
“Hey, there’s no rushing any of this,” he says. “Ask him for a fully clothed sleepover. He doesn’t seem like the type of dude who will push for more. At least, not without your consent.”
“Consent is key,” Audrey adds. “He wants more with you, but he’s asking you before he changes the name of the game. Maybe he’s clumsy in the way he’s going about it.”
He was definitely a little heavy-handed in everything he was saying… Putting my happiness first, wanting us to be a family.
“I’ve never had a family before,” I mumble. “My sister was my whole world, and then Emmy. I’ve never had a family. Nobody ever wanted me to stick around.”
“Al does,” Vanessa says. “Marriage doesn’t have to mean forever.
Yes, most people want it to be, but plenty of people get divorced and move on to happy, healthy lives.
You don’t have to commit to the rest of your life.
Focus on right now. If you want to stay married, stay married.
If you decide you’re not happy, you can end it at any time. ”
“Once the threat of social services is no longer hanging over our heads and it won’t rake him over in the press.”
“If you’re really that unhappy, end it now,” Audrey says. “If you know you don’t want to be with him, end it before he gets more attached. You’ll still be Emmy’s mom. He can’t take that away from you.”
“I’m not unhappy. I just don’t know what I want.
” Rubbing at my forehead, I try to explain, but my thoughts are so jumbled, I have no hope of them understanding what I hardly understand myself.
“How do we date if we’re already married?
Do I even want to date my kid’s father? What happens if we try and then break up and it gets awkward? ”
“There’s definitely risk involved,” Vanessa says. “You’ll have to decide if that’s a chance you’re willing to take. If he is worth the risk.”
In my heart, I know he is. But that doesn’t mean I can blow up our stable, peaceful life on a crush and a maybe. There’s too much at stake. Emmy’s health and safety are more important than my heart. They have to be.