Chapter 34
thirty-four
. . .
Riley
“I’m in trouble,” I blurt, and Vanessa and Bex look at me curiously.
Emmy and Leo are playing on the floor, Cora is doing tummy time on a play mat, and the adults are drinking. Basically, business as usual for our playdates.
“What’s wrong?” Audrey asks straight out.
“I… I think I have feelings for Al,” I admit.
Bex laughs. “I’d hope so. He is your husband.”
I shake my head, my hair falling out of my ponytail as I do. “It’s not like that with us.” Tugging at the tie, I worry it between my fingers. Isn’t it? Things are changing so quickly, and I can’t keep up.
“Except that it is,” she says. “That man is so fucking gone for you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The way he looks at you… It’s the way Sven looks at Van, and how Seb looks at Audrey.” Bex sighs. “I’d kill for a man to look at me that way.”
“He does not.” I’ve seen the way Sven treats his wife like she hung the moon, and the way Seb dotes on Audrey. What Al and I have is nothing like their relationships. Right?
With a sigh, I admit: “I said I love you the other day. By accident.”
Vanessa laughs. “How do you accidentally tell someone you love them?”
“Because I don’t know if I do.” And he was being particularly sweet. But that doesn’t mean I actually love him. I just like him. A lot.
“You do,” Bex assures me, patting my arm.
“But how do you know?” I’ve never told anyone I love them, and they’ve certainly never said it back to me. I was too young when my mom died, none of my foster parents ever formed a bond that way, and even Carter never said those three words to me.
“Because you constantly prioritize his happiness over yours. You trust him and opened up to him, even about the scary things. You see a future beyond the two years you’ve agreed to,” Vanessa says.
“I do. I want… more. What we have now, it’s real. But even though we’re legally married, we’re still dating. Still taking it slow.” It’s what I need, even if it’s not necessarily what I want. But rushing into something isn’t the right decision, especially with Emmy to consider.
“Every relationship progresses on its own timeline,” Audrey adds. After all, she and Seb went from strangers to serious in the blink of an eye. “Do you constantly think about him? Does he make you feel safe? Do you want to support him, in sickness and in health?”
“I do,” I whisper.
“Do you accept him for who he is, flaws and all?” Bex asks.
Al definitely isn’t perfect. He snores, and he tosses and turns all night long, and he’s always so fucking cheerful that it gets on my nerves, especially first thing in the morning.
He jumps into things wholeheartedly without stopping to consider the consequences.
These minor annoyances don’t turn me off.
If anything, they make me like him more. He’s human.
Do I love him?
“How would I know? I’ve never been in love before.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Bex smiles at me and reaches over to refill my sangria. “You’re already there. You just have to accept it.”
“But it’s only a legal marriage for custody. We’re not… it’s not like that with us.”
Isn’t it?
“You know, Sven and I started out in a fake relationship,” Vanessa says. “Well, it was always real for him. It took me a while to come around. But once I did… He’s the best thing in my life. Him and Leo.”
Al likes me; he shows me every day how much I mean to him. But love is another story.
Last night, all he wanted was comfort. He needed something only I could give him. With any other guy, I’d be wondering why he didn’t want sex, if he wasn’t interested in me anymore.
Considering the way he woke me up with his head between my legs, then fucked me slowly, tenderly, until I came with a whimper, I know the fire burning between us isn’t in danger.
He doesn’t have to be raring to go at all times.
It doesn’t mean I’m losing him. It just means he’s a real person with thoughts and feelings that sometimes get a bit messy.
“What if he doesn’t feel the same?”
“Girl.” Audrey rolls her eyes. “Trust me, he does. The question is, what are you going to do about it?”
“I… don’t know.”
“Better figure it out, quick,” Vanessa says. “Don’t just tell him. Show him.”
Now how do I do that?
Pozole simmers on the stove, the scent permeating throughout the house. Emmy is down for her nap, and I’ve showered, shaved, and put on a particularly spicy pair of undies beneath my leggings and oversized sweater.
Now all I have to do is… wait.
And wait.
And wait some more.
After pacing the house for what feels like ten thousand years, I curl up on the sofa with my Kindle. Except I must fall asleep, because the next thing I know, Al wakes me up with a kiss to my forehead.
“Hmm?” I blink a few times, focusing on his tall, broad form leaning above me, still wearing his wool coat.
“Go back to sleep,” he murmurs, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. He plucks my Kindle out of my hands and sets it on the coffee table. “Get some rest. I just wanted to say hi.”
“No. I’m supposed to be seducing you.”
He chokes on a laugh. “Say what now?”
Pushing up, I struggle into a sitting position, and Al perches beside me on the couch, his warm brown eyes trained on mine. When I’m settled, he leans over and kisses me softly.
“Hi,” he whispers.
“Hi.”
Fisting the lapel of his coat, I tug him closer, kissing him for real this time. The groan he lets out rumbles through me, making my core throb with want.
When he pulls back, his face is flushed, and I run my hand through his hair. He leans into the contact, humming happily.
“What’s this about seduction?” He grins at me. “Eleven out of ten. Highly recommend.”
My face heats. “I made pozole, and I—”
He stares at me. “You did what?”
“I asked Cari for your abuela’s pozole rojo recipe. I don’t know that I pulled it off, but I—I’m trying. I was going to light candles and had all these plans…”
“I know you are. I see you.” He takes my hand. “Pozole rojo is my favorite food.”
“I also got you a red Jarritos from a market in Jamaica Plain. I’m not sure if you can have it during the season, but I—”
He cuts me off with his lips descending on mine. His fingers thread through my hair as he tugs me closer, pulling lightly enough at the strands that pinpricks of pleasure course through me.
“I love you,” he murmurs.
Rearing back, I stare at him, my eyes wide and unblinking. Did he really just say that, or did I imagine it? I pinch the inside of my wrist, and it smarts. Definitely not still dreaming.
Time to face reality. I’m not scared. Okay, that’s a lie. I’m still terrified of my feelings. But not of him.
“I love you, too.”
The words feel foreign on my lips. I’ve never said them before, not even to Carter. But with him… they feel right.
Al gapes at me. “You’re saying it for real? You’re not going to change your mind?”
“I love you,” I repeat, shaking my head. “Even though it terrifies me. Even though I don’t have any clue what I’m doing. I love you.”
He pulls me against him, wrapping his arms around me. With his face buried in my neck, it’s all I can do to hold him, indulging in the feeling of his body against mine.
“I love you,” he says into my skin. The press of his lips there makes me shiver.
“We have about an hour before Emmy wakes up. Are you hungry?”
“Not for food,” he says with a low growl.
He stands, and before I know what’s happening, he scoops me into his arms and over his shoulder. The stairs creak as Al marches up them, directly into his bedroom, and deposits me on the comforter.
Heat licks through me at the hunger in his eyes, his gaze sweeping over me, drinking me in. I reach for the hem of my sweater, but he shakes his head.
“Leave it. I’m not ready to unwrap my present yet.”
“Oh? Your present?”
He kneels at the edge of the mattress, covering my body with his. “You are a fucking gift, and I will spend every day of the rest of my life proving that to you.”