Chapter 25
25
Kit
I have no idea why I did that. Honestly. I could have smiled and sent him on his way without baring my whole soul to the man.
I think I’m falling in love with you. Honestly. What was wrong with me? Had I believed that Mr. Playboy would hear my confession and say thank God, I’m falling in love with you too?
Maybe.
Okay, yes.
I had been so intensely happy the last two weeks. I wasn’t wrong to think he’d feel something for me.
It was the sex. Had to be. I would blame the sex for my momentary lack of control.
It was just… that he’d seen me. All of me. Not just my body. But the rest of it. He looked at me and it felt like he saw everything. But that was just him, you know? Charming, affable Liam Locke. All around good guy. Every woman he fucked probably felt this way. Like if they just did everything right, he would fall in love with them. Fuck. I was a mess.
I crawled into my own bed and pulled the blanket over my head and wished for sleep. Sleep was the solution. In the morning, I’d get up with Tess and get back to the job I’d been hired to do and I’d keep my hands and my filthy mind off Liam Locke.
In two days I’d head back to Portland and start a new life.
There was nothing to cry about.
Nothing.
So, I wasn’t sure why I was crying. It was probably the sex.
I must have dozed off because I was awakened by a tremendous thump and a scream.
Tess!
I jumped out of bed and ran, my heart in my throat, to Tess’s room, where I found her on the floor, a hand to her head.
Blood everywhere.
“Tess!” I cried and slid to my knees in front of her. “What happened?”
She was crying too hard to answer me.
Carefully I pulled her hand away from her head to reveal a terrible gash. Dark blood pooling out of it at an alarming rate. Shit. That would need stitches.
“I woke up and wanted to read my books on the top bunk,” she said, huffing and puffing through sobs. “But you were right! I fell.” She wailed.
Liam pounded down the stairs and arrived in her doorway, breathless and scared.
“What? Oh fuck,” he breathed.
“She fell off the top bunk and hit her head,” I said. Without me asking, he pulled off his shirt and handed it to me to press against Tess’s head. “She’s going to need stitches.”
At that Tess wailed louder and Liam nodded. “I’ll get the keys.”
There was a clinic in town that opened at six am and we were able to walk right in. At the sight of Tess, the nurse jumped up from behind the desk to examine her.
“Okay,” she said, giving Tess a big smile. “You are so lucky, you know why?”
“No,” she said, all damp and miserable. Her pajamas covered in blood like she’d been in a crime scene.
“One,” the nurse, a beautiful red head with bright green eyes and an accent that sounded like Scotland, reached into the pockets of her scrubs and pulled out a sucker. “I’ve restocked my lolly supply. Do you like…” she looked at the wrapper. “Grape?”
Tess nodded and the nurse unwrapped it and gave it to her.
“Two, Doctor Dana is here and she has the prettiest stitches I’ve ever seen. Better than my Gran. She’ll stitch you up right as rain.” Tess gave her a wobbly nod and the nurse turned to look at us.
“Okay, Mom and Dad-”
“He’s the dad,” I said, because I knew that unless one of us was the parent, poor Tess was going to have to go back there alone.
He turned on me, eyebrows furrowed. But he knew better than to object.
“Go ahead,” I told him. “I’ll call Janice and fill out whatever paperwork needs to be filled out.”
“Okay,” he said with a firm nod. “I’ll forward you Janice’s number.”
I smiled at him, my body still shaking with adrenaline. “Go,” I whispered. “She’s probably scared.”
Liam took off down the hallway, looking into doorways until he found Tess. He pulled out his phone and joked about taking a picture of her for her mom.
A second later he’d texted me Janice’s contact.
I texted Janice to let her know I was calling so she would pick up. Which she did on the second ring.
“Hello?” she asked. “Kit?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Look, everything is fine and Tess is okay.”
“That doesn’t sound good. What happened?”
I explained the top bunk and Janice sighed.
“Of course, she decides to embrace her wild side while I’m on the other side of the country,” she said with a laugh. “How bad is the bleeding?”
“Unfortunately, pretty bad. She’s going to need stitches.” I turned away from the front desk and any listening nurses and said, “We just them told Liam was her dad.”
“You did what?!”
I was startled by the sudden fear in her voice. The strange venom.
“I wasn’t sure if they would let him back there with her if we just said we were babysitting.”
“Of course they would have. She’s a five-year-old at an urgent care.”
Immediately, I felt both contrite and guilty. Which I didn’t think was right, but that’s how Janice made me feel.
“We weren’t thinking. We just…reacted.”
“I should have known this would happen.”
Liam
The nurse was fantastic. In no time, Tess was smiling through her tears. Once her face was cleaned up and she didn’t look so much like an extra in a horror film, I was able to breathe a little easier too.
Dr. Dana came in and assessed the wound with the kind of confidence that put a person at ease. She gave the nurse some instructions in a low voice and turned to me.
“Just as a precaution, do you know your daughter’s blood type?” she asked me.
I’d been scared of this, pretending to be her father was going to get us in a world of hurt when it came to these kinds of questions.
“I’m O negative,” Tess said.
“You know that? Wow. Me too,” I said and winked at her.
“Universal donor,” we said at the same time, which made her laugh again.
“Well,” Dr. Dana said, “you must have gotten that from your father because only seven percent of the population has it.”
The chances of Tess and me having the same blood type seemed important.
Too important.
A whole-body shiver ran over me and I looked over at Tess where she was lying on the bed in the exam room. The nurse laid a blue blanket over her and another one over her head with a hole where the wound was.
“Honey,” the nurse said, and I wasn’t good with accents but she sounded a little bit like Shrek. A girl Shrek. “We have to shave a tiny little bit of your head.”
Tess made a sound, a terrified but trying to be brave squeak, and I was beside her in a flash. Her hand in mine.
That’s when I knew. It hadn’t reached my brain yet, but it had reached my gut. And my gut was where all my decisions were made.
It’s how I knew all those years ago when I first saw Kit, that she was real.
“I got you, Tess. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
About forty minutes and three more suckers later, we were given a prescription and the nurse, Holly from Glasgow, opened the door to the exam room and I carried Tess into the waiting room. Kit was still sitting there and when she saw us she got to her feet. Her phone in her hand. Her cheeks pale and her eyes dark, like she’d been stressed out.
“Hey,” I said, putting my arm around her too. Kit leaned forward and kissed Tess’s cheek. “We’re okay.”
“I got fifteen stitches!” Tess cried.
“Fifteen,” Kit said, like that was both incredibly sad and very amazing.
“Yep. They had to shave my head.” She tilted her head down to show Kit and the sight of the wound, the dark stitches on her pink skin, made Kit’s eyes fill with tears.
“Come on. Let’s fill this prescription, get some pie for breakfast and go home and watch a movie. Sound good?”
Tess nodded but Kit still looked apprehensive.
“Everything okay with Janice?” he asked. “Was she freaking out?”
“No,” Kit said with a smile that did not look real. “She was okay. But…we need to talk.”
When mom ‘got sick’ the environment in the house changed. It was like the weather. An electrical storm would come in through the kitchen and the living room. It would settle in the stairway and the shadows outside her bedroom. Somewhere along the line, I developed an antenna for this. Incredibly sensitive, I could tell by the way she walked through the house, the way she held her shoulders and tilted her head if a storm was coming.
Wyatt didn’t believe me at first but then he did. He learned to be scarce in those times, but I tried to change the direction of the storm. Tried to get it to lift and pass over our roof line.
Obviously, it didn’t work.
When I moved out of the house, I let go of the skill. I got complacent. I was the center of the universe for a while and it was a relief not to have to read the weather in every room. To try and gauge how everyone was doing and feeling and if there was something I needed to do to make it all better.
I played hockey to the best of my ability and people loved me.
It was…bliss. Heaven. Some overworked muscle in my brain got to relax. And that, combined with an incredible rookie year, made me lazy.
I stopped working as hard in the weight room. Skipped meetings with Sharma. I ignored advice from my coaches because I thought I somehow knew better. Then weather on the ice started to change and it took me awhile because I’d let that muscle go, but I realized people were unhappy with me.
Unhappy enough to want to trade me. Dad had been on my case. Wyatt had been apoplectic watching what he called my lazy-ass play. Even Dillon had reached out. Reminding me what was at stake.
Well, I straightened up real quick. The muscle was reactivated, and I was diligent until the storm passed and I stayed diligent. Coaches called me a leader. They gave me more and more responsibility mentoring young players. Talking to the prima donnas who would cause trouble. Smoothing over personality clashes in the locker room.
I did it because I was good at it.
So I knew it was coming. This storm brewing in the truck was a hurricane. Silent. Gathering energy and force. If I didn’t handle this right, something told me lives were going to get ruined.
“Pie?” I asked, looking in the backseat where Tess sat, bandaged and looking exhausted.
“No,” she said. “I’m too tired. Can we go tomorrow?”
“We have food at home. I can make you some eggs if you’re hungry later,” Kit said. She put a hand on my arm and quickly took it away. I wanted to grab it and put it back on my arm. I wanted to hold it so the wind couldn’t tear us apart.
But I’d already done it. She’d said, I think I’m falling in love with you, and I’d said nothing.
“Let’s get her home,” Kit said.
I nodded and turned the car towards the cove where we were staying. The doctor didn’t see any signs of a concussion, but we were supposed to keep an eye on her and wake her up every hour or so to make sure she stayed symptom free. I knew the protocol. I’d been through a dozen concussion assessments.
I pulled into the parking space and carried Tess into the house.
“Where to?” I asked. “Comfy couch to watch a movie? Comfy couch on the porch to look at books? Back to your bed?”
“Movie,” she said, her head on my shoulder, her arms around my neck.
She was an excellent weight in my arms. Sturdy. Solid. And she trusted me so she was heavy against me. If I looked down I could see the cut on her head, long and jagged. It made my heart stop.
It could have been so much worse. Terrifyingly worse.
I kissed her head, away from the scar, and laid her down on the couch. I pulled a blanket over her and picked up the remote to turn on the TV.
“You want to finish the movie we started yesterday?”
She nodded, her eyelids already starting to droop.
I could feel Kit in the doorway, watching us. Waiting.
“I’m going to get snacks,” I told her.
“And drinks,” she said.
“And drinks,” I reiterated and walked past Kit, into the kitchen.
“You need to call Janice,” Kit said.
“How about you give me the highlights of your conversation with her and I will call her after,” I said, pulling graham crackers from the cupboard.
“She’s going to be here tomorrow.”
“Really?” I asked, not looking at her. “Everything is okay, she doesn’t need to come back early.”
“She said it was only a few days early and she missed Tess.”
I nodded and poured Tess a glass of orange juice and added a little fizzy water which she called fancy orange juice.
It was there, this unsaid thing. Kit had obviously suspected. If I was being honest with myself, after she’d said it, I’d thought about it too. The way Tess laughed, just like my brother. And her nose was my dad’s nose. My nose, too.
I thought maybe I was just seeing something I wanted to see. Something I didn’t even know I wanted to see. Because she was an awesome kid and it would be remarkable to be a part of that.
“Liam,” she whispered. “Call Janice. Please.”
“I don’t need to,” I said, stepping past her towards the doorway.
“What do you mean?” she asked, putting her hand on my arm. Her fingers against the bare skin under the sleeve of my shirt. Her lips were sealed. Held so tight they were white.
I’d blown it with her last night, I knew that. Kept myself safe for no good reason. I could feel how much she wanted to leave. How being pulled into this drama hurt her because I had hurt her last night.
I hated that. This is why I liked casual. Casual meant no one got hurt.
“What do you mean, what do I mean?” I asked. It was obvious. Everything was really fucking obvious.
Our blood type and the stupid dimples. Tess’s nose and her laugh. It was May when Janice left me, left Portland. Tess’s birthday was in January.
She gaped at me and I took the food and fancy orange juice over to Tess on the couch, who was already asleep.
I set everything down on the table and Kit came right up behind me, grabbed me by the elbow and pulled me out onto the patio. The sun was fully up now and hot. I hated how it felt like a spotlight.
“You have to talk to Janice.”
“What does it change?” I asked her. “What does that do? Blow everything up? Make everything harder? Make her feel like shit and me furious? What good is that?”
She gaped at me. “The truth-”
“I know the truth.” I snarled and she reeled back. “Of course I know the truth. But what changes?”
“You have rights and you-”
“I’ll be seeing her more. I’ll be a part of her life. That’s all that matters, isn’t it?”
“Is that all you want?”
“What else is there?” She stared at me, her mouth open like she didn’t have any words for how stupid I was being.
“I think it’s best to just keep the fucking peace,” I snapped.
“Like you did with your mom? Your whole family?”
I reeled back, stung by her words.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“You know, maybe your obsession with the truth and everything being out in the open, even if it blows up a whole bunch of shit, is more about your dad than me?”
Now it was her turn to step back. Wounded. It was a low blow but I felt like I was fighting from my back.
“I want you to be happy. I want that girl in there to be happy. I know what it’s like when adults are keeping important secrets. It sucks. And you know it too. I think your mom had all these big emotions that were scary. So you made sure while you were managing everyone else’s feelings, not to feel too deeply yourself.”
“Kit. Stop. I’m not that fucking deep. You’re overreacting to this whole thing.”
“No. You’re under reacting. If you let this go without finding out the truth about who you are to that little girl, and letting her know… you’re not the man I thought you were.”
We stared at each other across the distance of the patio. She looked tired, dark circles under her eyes. She wore the same thing she wore last night. The same things I didn’t take off of her when I fucked her on the dresser like she was a stranger.
Suddenly, I could see the future. Two futures.
One with me seeing Tess more often, once a week, maybe hanging out a little more when it worked out. If Janice needed to take another assignment somewhere. She’d be mine, but in secret.
And never seeing Kit again. Ever.
I had hockey. Another Stanley Cup. The adulation of millions. I’d have a bigger role with my team and maybe become a broadcaster when my body finally gave out.
My entire life would be smooth and easy and casual.
The other future had Tess in my life in a bigger, more established way.
I’d have to confront Janice. Figure out why she’d done what she’d done. Find a way to move past the betrayal. Then what? I don’t know, maybe Janice and I try and figure out how to be parents. Is that together? Is it apart? Is the right thing to try and make it work with Janice? Or do we go to court and establish rules. Did we try this separately? Could I have a relationship with Tess and still have Kit in my life?
I saw Kit and me in my house in Portland. I saw her going to school to be a teacher and us looking after Tess all the time. I saw vacations and weekends and helping Tess with homework and her having slumber parties with all of her friends. I saw helping out Janice so she wasn’t all alone raising Tess.
I saw a family.
But I also saw hard conversations and maybe legal battles. I saw hurt feelings and promises that might be really hard to keep. I saw feeling everything everyone felt all the time and not being able to stop people from being hurt.
Nothing would be casual. Not one thing.
It was terrifying.
“If you want to leave today, I get it,” I said, and she took a giant gasp of air and reeled backwards. “What? It’s inevitable, isn’t it? It’s what you said, putting us out of our misery. Go. Be free, Kit. Head on back to your life.”
She blinked and turned away. I knew she was gathering herself and I hated that I’d hurt her, but wasn’t this better? Easier? For everyone.
When she turned back, her eyes were red and she kept wiping away tears. “It’s not your job to make sure no one feels any pain,” she said. “It’s okay for you to be happy even if it means it’s uncomfortable for someone else.” She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes again. “I’ll pack up and when Tess wakes up I’ll tell her I have to go home.”
“Where will you go? Back to Ms. Rene? The money you gave me, I’m giving it all back. It will help.”
She shook her head. “I won’t be your friend, Liam. I’m hurt and you can’t make that go away.”
“We can talk later, when we’re not so-”
“No. I’m not going to come and water your plants,” she snapped. “I’m not going to become your personal Instacart and I won’t babysit Tess when you have her for the occasional weekend. If you want to end this, we end this.”
We just kept trading body blows. It was awful. I never fought with anyone like this except my brother. I didn’t want to make her cry. I didn’t want to feel hurt by what she thought of me.
“What are you talking about?” Tess’s little voice asked from the screen door that we didn’t make sure was shut. Shit. Fuck.
She stood there, pale and still wearing her pajama shirt covered in blood.
Kit stared at me as if to see what I was going to do. So, I did what I always did. Smoothed things over. Made things better.
“Come on, T-rex, let’s go change into clean pajamas.”
“No,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. “What are you talking about? I heard you.”
I couldn’t look for help from Kit, she’d made it clear she wasn’t going to be a part of this. “We’re talking about how your mom is going to be here soon. She’s coming home early,” I said, distracting her with the big guns. Her face lit up and then fell, her lips curved down in a tight line.
“Can I talk to my mom?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Of course.” We should have done that right away but I was avoiding the conversation I did not want to have. “Let’s go on in and see if we can FaceTime her.”
Tess and I went back inside and I shot one more look over my shoulder at Kit. Who watched us with tears in her gunmetal gray eyes.
What she didn’t understand now, but maybe would later, was that I was just trying to make this easier for her. Setting her free to get on with her life that she’d already put on hold because of what her father had done to her. She didn’t need to wait to see what kind of fallout she would have to deal with from my life going sideways.
“I know you don’t believe this, but I’m doing this for you,” I said to her.
She laughed, tears pouring down her face. “I know you think that,” she whispered. “And that’s the worst part.”
She left the patio, walking towards the beach, maybe giving us privacy or taking it for herself, but the sinking sensation in my chest, the one I tried really hard to never feel but was somehow always aware of, was worse than ever.