Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
WELLS
Iwent to a hockey game last night. A fucking hockey game.
The thought continues to whirr through my brain over and over again like a mantra as I punish the punching bag in front of me.
I’m back in the gym this morning instead of working out in my apartment. I needed to get out somewhere, do something physical. And being at home kept reminding me of my parents and my day with them yesterday, which I was getting desperate to push out of my mind.
Over a three-course meal at the private club in Warwick where my family has been members since before I was born, I had a front row seat to the jubilation and excitement celebrating my brother’s acceptance to Radford, along with a spot on the hockey team next season.
“What did you think? About the game, I mean,” Reed asks, which is the same time I realize that I’m actually talking out loud.
Suddenly, I’m not so grateful that he’s always up for a workout at almost any time of day. Who knows what else I’ve muttered out loud while I’ve been spinning out for the last five minutes?
I clear my throat and take another controlled swing.
“It was boring,” I lie. When the reality is that I’ve never seen anything quite like Kellan on the ice.
He was poetry in motion–fast and brutal and graceful and smart–all in one dangerous package.
Which I already know. But seeing him in his element, with thousands of fans screaming both for him and against him, made me dizzy with attraction.
The rush of knowing that this man can bring an entire stadium to its knees, and then I can do the same thing to him.
I feel like I still haven’t fully recovered, which only makes me hit the bag harder.
And the worst part is that at the end of the game, I think he caught me there.
Reed smirks at me as he drops his jump rope, and I resist the urge to deck him. “My dads have season tickets. They said it was a storybook finish, and that one Kellan O’Reilly played some of the best hockey they’ve seen from any player in the conference this season.”
I scowl. I hate how easily Reed can read me. I guess that’s something that comes from almost four years of friendship with the man who pulled my once baby-gay ass through all the trials and tribulations of finally accepting myself in college.
I was out before then, since my junior year of high school.
Not that I ever acted on it. And my parents basically pretended that I hadn’t said it at all.
They chose to ignore the coming out that I’d agonized over in my bedroom for weeks to get the wording just right, so it’s not like I could bring boyfriends or dates home when I lived with them.
And that wasn’t even the worst part. No, that came when I realized that not only was my admission invisible to them, but that I was now, too.
And it’s been that way ever since. I’m sure they’re grateful every day that Carter, my younger brother, has grown up into exactly the man they hoped I’d be. Too bad they’d already wasted the family name on me.
Reed throws my water bottle at me, which I catch, before he gives me a cheeky smile. “Let’s talk about something less anger-inducing for you, then? How was lunch with your parents?”
The groan that I let out takes us both by surprise.
He takes a step closer, the teasing look on his face gone. “That bad?”
And I feel it, all of the little cracks inside of me, splintering until there’s a big enough hole in my chest that the words can slither out, up my throat and into the world.
“It’s like nothing I ever do is going to make up for the fact that I’m gay.
I could be the best at everything that’s ever been attempted, and my accomplishments would still have an asterisk next to them in my parents’ eyes. ”
I’ve gotten into my past in bits and pieces over the years with Reed, but I prefer to keep it mostly in a box in a corner of my mind that I don’t touch. And nobody wants to hear about the poor little rich boy who wants for nothing except mommy and daddy’s love.
But for some reason, suddenly, my parents’ silent but staunch disapproval juxtaposed with their excitement for my brother is weighing on me in a way it never has before.
Maybe it’s because this is my last year of college, before I’m thrust out into the real world.
Or maybe it’s that with Carter attending Radford and joining the hockey team, I’m fully and permanently cemented as the disappointing child.
There’s already been more talk about attending parents’ weekends and visiting campus than they’ve ever expressed in all my years at Radford combined.
“That really sucks, man. And it’s just one part of who you are. It’s so shitty they can’t understand that.” I appreciate Reed’s sympathy, even if he can’t truly empathize. I wouldn’t want him to get this, anyway. It’s a type of loneliness that infects everything I touch like a virus.
We sit down on the black mats and I start to stretch. I’d give anything to go back to the simplicity of a few months ago. Hooking up with whoever I want. Not caring about my parents’ rejection. Living in my own little world with no one challenging me.
Being able to focus on stretching makes it easier to not immediately brush Reed’s next question away. “So, what is going on with you and Kellan?”
Isn’t that a great fucking question. One that I’ve asked myself more than a few times recently. Or, so many times, in fact, that my obsession led me to purchasing an obscenely priced Radford Renegades ticket outside of the arena half-way through the first period, all to get to see him.
Like I didn’t have enough hockey conversation yesterday at lunch. I just had to go and rub my own nose in it. It was punishment and pain, all mingled into one toxic cocktail that I drank like it was a potion that could somehow make me feel less alone.
I’m just so tired. I want him, and I can’t make myself stop wanting him. So much for all my practiced self-control.
I bend at my hips to touch my toes so that I don’t have to look at Reed. “Not nothing,” I say, knowing that I can trust whatever I’m about to tell him. Which, I still haven’t quite decided myself.
“No shit?” Reed bats back, like he’s either surprised that something’s actually going on or that I admitted to it. Maybe both.
But I’m drowning here. I’ve been thinking about Kellan constantly.
His woodsy scent that makes me wonder about crazy things like whether going camping in the great outdoors is a good idea.
The way the hair on the side of his head is buzzed down and feels so incredibly soft against my fingers.
How he smiles at me like he already knows all of my secrets.
And on top of it all, the way he wants exactly what I’m selling.
He wants to be compliant and submissive and obedient, and his desire to fulfill my every need makes me feel like the one being led around on a leash.
Reed pops back up into a standing position and eases into a lunge. I appreciate the discreet glance he makes around the almost empty gym to ensure that no one is listening. “Is he out? I feel like I would have heard about that.”
“Definitely not out. But also… I’m not sure he’s ever done anything like this before?
” My pulse thrums with the admission, heat fluttering through my stomach.
I love being his first, even if I don’t quite believe it given how…
talented he is. I cannot stand the idea of anyone else, but especially another man, touching him.
Discovering all the parts of himself that he’s let me see.
His mouth drops open. “No shit?” he repeats.
“We’re going to have to get you a better vocabulary.”
Reed drops lower into his lunge and whispers, “I’m surprised. That’s all.”
“We just have this… chemistry,” is that word that I settle on, feeling the truth of it on my lips. “I don’t know how else to explain it. And I know it’s a bad idea but–”
He cuts in, eyeing me intensely. “Why is it a bad idea?”
I laugh but then lower my voice. I’m not into outing people, even if they are driving me slowly insane. “He’s going to have his semester of fun and then move onto whatever puck bunny piques his interest next.” I know that’s a lie. Kellan himself told me that he rarely hooks up with people.
So… what am I so afraid of?
Reed shrugs. “You know him better than I do.” I change positions to stretch my hamstring, and unsurprisingly, he fills the silence again.
Reed is a talker, through and through. “But even if it’s not a forever thing–isn’t that what you like anyway?
Seems like this should be a dream come true for you. ”
And isn’t that the rub? Kellan should be my wet dream.
No strings. No risk of him developing true feelings he’d want to make public.
After college, if he gets picked up by a pro hockey team, he’ll jet off to whichever city they call home.
Seeing him play on Saturday, I have no doubt it’s a possibility for him.
I stand up, needing to release some of the pent up energy just from voicing the idea of what’s going on with Kellan out into the world. “Yeah–I suppose you’re right.” I flash Reed a smile. “No risk. All reward.”
But even as I say the words out loud, on some level, I know that getting in deeper with Kellan would be the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done.