Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
WELLS
Usually, I try to get up early and get a workout in before I start my day. It’s meditative, and I’m the type of guy that needs all the Zen that I can get in this world. But this morning, I can’t seem to pull myself out of bed.
I look over at the solid form lying next to me, Kellan’s perennially tanned skin juxtaposed against my gray sheets.
And for a second, I let myself enjoy it. No pretenses. No hidden agendas. Just a night of incredible sex and pure enjoyment with another person. I’ve never had this before, and I’m trying as hard as I can to not pick it apart.
He’s breathing heavily, but it’s not quite a snore.
I shouldn’t find it charming, but I do. He seems to have that effect on me, even if it’d be far simpler if that wasn’t the case.
I listen to his deep, even breaths, watching as his back rises and falls.
And I can’t help myself as I ghost my fingers across his shoulder blades.
He’s hard and soft. Fierce and submissive.
Smart, but also simple. He’s a walking contradiction. And I can’t get enough of it.
I don’t realize that my fingers have started massaging into his back until he stirs. He tilts his head toward me and gives me this sweet, slightly crooked smile that does all kinds of weird things to my heart.
“Morning.” His sleepy voice makes me want to burrow back under the covers, but I resist the urge.
I still my hand against his back, my fingertips soaking up his seemingly endless warmth.
“Morning. I wanted to make sure you’re all good after last night.
” Kellan trusted me with his body, and I don’t take that lightly.
Even if it’s not my usual MO, everything about me when I’m with him feels different.
He blinks before letting out a wide yawn. I watch him stretch his arms out to his sides, the muscles flexing with his movement. “Getting knocked around is an occupational hazard in my sport, so I think I’ll be okay.”
I give him a wry smile. “I don’t think they allow hockey sticks where I went.”
Kellan grins back at me and laughs. “This is true.”
“But… you’re good?” I’m compelled by some invisible force to make sure that in the light of day, he doesn’t regret what happened between us. And even if that makes me nervous as hell, I push it down. Because the alternative is far worse.
He blinks a few times, and I can see the last dregs of sleep leaving his body. He flips over and sits up before rubbing his hands over his face. “I’m good, Wells. Great, actually.” He flashes me another smile.
What is it about this guy? It’s like he was custom-made for me. Always ready to go. Pushy in the best ways. I’m trying to keep us neatly in a box, but it’s growing harder as the days wear on. “I’m glad to hear it,” is what I manage to say back.
He gives me a funny look. “Are you?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I can’t help the flair of defensiveness. He’s looking at me like this was my first time and not his.
Kellan leans back against the headboard.
“I didn’t say that. I was just doing what I thought was normal human behavior.
” He extends his arm and points his finger at my chest. “You.” Then he points at himself.
“Me.” He finishes whatever point he’s getting at by making a circular motion in between us.
“Having a conversation about the great sex we had last night and checking in. I know I don’t get out much, but I have to believe that’s still standard protocol. ”
I find myself smiling. “Just wanted to make sure that you enjoyed the evening that you were treated to.”
He punches my shoulder. “Ass.”
“That’s a dangerous word to be using right now. Might give me ideas.”
I watch as something flashes across his eyes. It sends sparks shooting through me. “I’m definitely not opposed to doing that again.”
He leans back against the headboard, and we sit in silence.
I’m not going to admit it to Kellan, but I’ve never woken up with someone else, like this.
But even if I don’t have experience in this specific area, I feel like we’re on the precipice of needing to have a conversation.
Are we going to exist in this liminal space, where we fuck like rabbits and don’t pretend like it would be terrible if his sexuality ever became public?
Or that he’s probably going to jet thousands of miles away after graduation, once he gets signed by a pro team?
Which, after our conversation last night, seems to have become more reality than possibility.
It’s probably better that whatever we’re doing has an expiration date, since it’s not really a possibility anyway. And what am I even doing, fantasizing about a future with Kellan O’Reilly? I’m out of my goddamn mind.
I don’t realize that his hand is pressed into my chest until he flattens his palm. “Wells, are you okay?”
I shake my thoughts away and force myself to take a deep inhale. “I’m going away for winter break.”
Kellan gives me a weird look. Which is fair. It must sound like a complete non-sequitur to him. “Okay? Where are you going?”
I flip through the possibilities. Somewhere warm.
Somewhere cold. Somewhere abroad. Anywhere, as long as it puts distance between this feeling that’s taken up residence in my chest that’s making it hard to breathe.
“Colorado. Skiing, mostly.” It’s a great place to spend all day alone with no one noticing.
And I’d much rather be alone than feel alone, which is what Christmas with my family would entail.
Kellan removes his hand, and I’m both relieved and anguished. “Got it. Is that what your family does for the holidays?”
I shake my head. “No, just me.”
I don’t crack under the weight of his inscrutable look.
Finally, he sighs. “I’m picking up security shifts at the place that I worked full-time over the summer, so I wouldn’t have much time anyway.
” He sounds disappointed in the idea that we won’t see one another, and I’m annoyed at myself for reveling in it.
“I figured you’d be busy with your family,” I confirm, hoping to take the sting out of my words. “And you still have games, right?”
He nods. “Fewer, but yes. We really only get a week off for the holiday, so it’s lucky that I’m local.”
“Where do you work security?” I find myself asking because I’m a glutton for punishment.
Embarrassment flashes across his face. “It’s this towing lot about twenty minutes from here. They’re always looking for guys since it’s not the most reliable sort that takes the job, but it means I can pick up shifts whenever I want.”
If you’d have told me two months ago that I didn’t deserve to have someone as good as Kellan O’Reilly in my life, I’d have laughed you out of the room. And now? I feel like I’m going to choke on the lump in my throat. “Is that really safe?”
He waves me off. “Mostly tweakers looking to score some easy parts. It’s nothing I can’t handle. Plus, they’re not organized enough to really put me in danger.”
“I think sometimes the most unpredictable situations are the ones that can do the most damage.” From the look he gives me, I know that the double entendre isn’t lost on him.
“Is this your way of saying that you’re worried about me, Wells?”
I roll my eyes, but his teasing is letting me relax, even if the undercurrent of the implication lingers just below the surface. “Don’t think too much into it that I don’t want you to die.”
“You can admit it, you know,” he chides, brown eyes looking at me like he can see right through me.
The moment grows serious again. I constantly feel like I’m on the precipice with Kellan. First sexually, and now emotionally. “Admit what?”
He smiles softly. “That we have a good thing going.”
I scoff. “We have great sex, but it can’t be anything beyond that, Kellan. Our time together exists behind closed doors for a reason.”
I expect him to agree, but I’m surprised when his shoulders slump. “I’m not asking for your hand in marriage.”
It takes a lot, but I don’t make a glib comment about the fact that I must have truly fucked him senseless.
“You’re on track to be drafted into the pros, Kellan.
Do you know any openly out hockey players?
Or, actually, out male players in any sport?
” I don’t know what he’s even getting at, really, but I won’t let him consider throwing away his future for whatever this is.
He’s quiet for a moment, like he hasn’t actually considered the possibility before. It only reinforces my point more. Still, he’s not done. “I’m just surprised that you’re the one arguing on this side of the conversation.”
I fold my arms across my chest, realizing I’m completely naked and feeling more than a little exposed, even if I’m covered by the comforter from the waist down.
“Why? Because I’m gay? If anything, that means I’ve never lived in a world where I can’t consider reality.
As a bisexual man, statistically, you’re likely to end up with a woman.
The dating pool is just much larger. It doesn’t invalidate your sexuality in any way, in case you’re gearing up to give me shit about that.
But you can’t pretend that being with a woman doesn’t make your life infinitely simpler, especially as you consider gearing up to enter the public eye. ”
Now it’s Kellan’s turn to scoff, and he runs his hand forcefully along his jaw.
“You’re acting like I’m Sidney Crosby and that me being signed is a done deal.
Last night, you couldn’t get enough of the idea that you were fucking a future pro player.
Now, it feels like you’re holding it against me. What’s changed?”
Well, probably that waking up with Kellan felt right in a way that nothing else in my life ever has, so I’m going to do what I do best and destroy it. “I’m just setting boundaries on what this can and can’t be. For your sake.”
“That’s a cop-out, Wells. If you’re afraid of what’s happening between us, say that. But don’t put words in my mouth. And don’t try to make decisions for me.” Kellan stands up, and I avert my gaze. No good can come from looking at his perfect body while I’m intent on pushing him away.
“Do your friends know about us? I find it hard to believe you don’t talk about hook-ups with one another,” I guess, knowing I’ve hit gold when his face falls.
“It’s not like that. You know I’ve barely had time to do anything, let alone gossip about my love life.”
“Come with me to Colorado,” I say quickly, knowing that he’ll never agree. Even if the idea sends a crazy thrill of excitement through me. “We can exist in the way that you seem to think is possible, and decide whether it makes sense to figure something out here.”
Kellan shakes his head. “I have to work over break, and I can’t miss Christmas morning with my family.” He gives me a hard look. “This isn’t because I’m embarrassed by you. Or us.”
I let out a sigh. I think that I needed him to reject me in some way, just to snap myself back to reality. “Whatever you say. I’m not trying to paint you into a corner here, but I don’t think that you’ve really thought this through.”
He’s already got his briefs on and is pulling up his joggers now.
“Because the whole point was that this was supposed to be easy and something that I didn’t need to think about.
But you’re making it seem like I’m not even willing to have a conversation when that’s not true.
” In another quick movement, his hoodie is on.
He’s fully dressed, and I can feel the door on us closing.
I’m relieved but also wonder if I’m going to vomit.
“I know how this ends, Kellan. I’m just jumping us a few steps ahead to avoid any real fallout.”
He shakes his head at me, disgust evident on his face. “Yeah, with you acting like an ass, again, and pushing me away. You pretend like you’re clairvoyant when really you’re just the inside man.”
It’s safest that way. Otherwise, I may do something that I’ll regret like begging him to stay. Begging him to not leave me, even when I do nothing but push him away. Begging for him to see how broken I am and cradle the broken pieces in his big hands, like they aren’t beyond repair.
But I don’t do any of that, and his steely glare is the last communication between us. I stand by what I said–or, I guess, what I didn’t say. I know how this ends, and it’s not going to be Kellan O’Reilly that suddenly makes everything different.
Then he’s gone from my bedroom, the front door shutting a few seconds later.
When I’m alone in my room again, I pull my laptop out from the end table where it rests. I have a trip to plan.