Chapter 33 #2
“I know you will understand where I’m coming from.
My whole life was turned upside down. Instead of dealing with it in a healthy way, I allowed the chaos to take over.
” Scanning her face, I don’t see any judgment, and it eases the heaviness in my chest. “I know now I was suffering from deep depression and masking that pain with alcohol and painkillers. Harris saw what I was doing to myself, but I wouldn’t let him in.
I was so lost, I honestly thought I needed the numbness of the painkillers.
The alcohol wasn’t the issue for me; it wasn't my crutch. It was the tablets. I’d made myself believe that I couldn’t go a day without them.
I couldn’t see past my own pain, couldn’t see what I was doing to those closest to me.
Luckily, my mama and papa still live here, so they never saw exactly what I was doing to myself, but Harris saw it all.
” My grip tightens on her as I try to keep composed.
“I owe him a lot. He winds me up daily, but I know he’ll always be there for me because he was there at my lowest point, and he built me back up.
And not once did he ask me for anything other than to be my friend.
To be someone to rely on, and I let him down.
” My voice catches in my throat, emotions swirling in my stomach as the visions of what my best friend did for me flash in my mind.
Reaching up, she brushes my hair off my face, softly dusting the backs of her fingers across my cheek, and I focus back on the wall in front of me.
“I hadn’t been working for over eight months.
I had nothing to focus on other than the pain in my leg, which only intensified when I was told that I would never be able to play again.
It was all phantom pains my brain had created, making me believe I needed the painkillers.
My physios and medical staff were pleased with my recovery.
However, my career was over, and my downward spiral only got worse. And one night I took it too far.”
My eyes burn with tears as I hold them back.
The memory of what I did shames me. “I was out cold on my sofa when Harris found me. I’ll never forgive myself for having my best friend find me lifeless and unresponsive.
Pill bottles thrown on the side next to an empty bottle of whiskey.
He had to give me CPR to bring me back. The paramedics got there, and he had just managed to kick start my heart back into its normal rhythm.
” My chest tightens, remembering the fear in Harris’s eyes when I woke up in that hospital bed.
The tears that streamed down his face as he screamed at me for making him think he’d lost me.
“He didn’t leave my side for days. He missed games and training, blaming a sickness bug, making it perfectly clear that he wouldn’t be leaving me alone until I sought help.
I had no idea at the time that he saw a therapist or why, but he put me in touch with Fiona.
” I let out a shaky breath, my voice is barely audible as I admit, “I still see her occasionally now when I have momentary slips.”
She pulls my gaze back to hers. Her eyes glisten with tears, but she is smiling affectionately. “Don’t hide from me,” she pleads as she rests her forehead against mine.
“That’s my line, Petardo.”
“Keep going.” She whispers as she places a soft kiss to my lips.
Taking a deep breath I continue. “I knew at that moment when I came round in the hospital and saw just what I had done to Harris. Not to myself, but to him. My best friend, I’d put him through hell.
He was frantic and angry. But the worst thing was that he blamed himself for not seeing it and not helping before it got to that point.
It killed me thinking that he blamed himself for my recklessness, my weakness in not asking for help.
I knew I had to sort myself out. So, when he gave me his therapist’s number, I didn’t think twice.
I rang her, and before I was discharged, I had my first consultation.
She made a special trip as a favor to Harris.
The sun was rising outside the window behind her as she was talking about taking each day as it comes, and that some would be easier than others, but on those harder days, take deep breaths whenever I feel the need to calm the chaotic thoughts in my head. ”
“And that’s why you knew what I needed to do, on the pitch?” she murmurs, her beautiful green eyes swarming with warmth.
“I could see you falling.” I cup her cheek, and instinctively, she closes her eyes, leaning into me. “Grasping for breath. Spiraling into the chaos. And I knew I needed to break your fall.”
“And the lilies?” A single tear runs down her cheek before she swipes it away. I can’t stand to see her so upset. And upset over me.
“Because of you.”
“Don’t be cute.” We share a knowing smile. She knows I'm trying to break the tension.
“They symbolize rebirth, the rejuvenation of the soul. In the same way, the sunrise symbolizes the birth of a new day,” I say gently as I continue to stroke my thumbs over her soft skin.
“Thank you.”
“What for?”
“Giving me that piece of you.” She captures my lips with hers in a tender kiss, a slight wetness hitting my cheeks. I swipe at the tears under her eyes, knowing I’ll give her every piece of me if she asks.
“Don’t cry for me.”
“I'm not crying.” She grins. “Lily Chambers doesn’t cry.”
“Of course not.”