Chapter 11
eleven
The next few days are a whirlwind of hospital visits and funeral arrangements, and Jake is by my side for every one of them, like he promised.
His support reminds me of how he used to be my rock and shoulder to cry on.
The one there for me when my dad left, when no one asked me to a school dance, when my mom would criticize every aspect of my life, and every other moment when someone made me feel worthless.
Somehow, we’ve effortlessly fallen back into that pattern, which is welcoming and confusing, considering how long we’ve been apart.
We’ve avoided discussing anything about our lives now.
Choosing to focus on the tasks at hand and supporting one another.
There are moments when it feels like no time has passed, and we’ve always been best friends.
Like all the heartache I’ve experienced over the years was a bad dream that I’m finally waking up from.
If only today were nothing more than a bad dream.
One I wish I could desperately wake up from.
The bitter cold cuts through my black tights and wool coat as I sit between Jake and my mom in the front row of the graveside service for Judy.
Everything has gone according to plan, including my mom somehow convincing her doctors to let her temporarily leave the hospital in a wheelchair for the funeral, even though they were extremely against it yesterday.
My mom wanted the funeral to be grandiose.
Jake and I chose to ignore her vision and go with a more subdued version, combining the visitation and service into one long day.
Jake wanted it all to be as private as possible, refusing to publish an obituary and limiting guests to close friends only.
Turns out that’s about half of the town; the receiving line was out the door during the entire two-hour visitation.
The funeral home was packed for the brief service, and the majority of people followed us to the graveside.
Even though more than a hundred people are surrounding her burial site, it’s eerily quiet.
I catch myself holding my breath, not wanting to disturb the peace.
Leading up to the funeral, Jake’s been stoic, keeping his feelings hidden from me and everyone else.
But as the pastor begins, Jake reaches over, taking my hand and wrapping his gloved fingers around mine tightly.
I bite my trembling lip and do the same with my mom’s hand.
All three of us intertwined as we prepare to say our final goodbyes.
I want to focus on the beautiful words the pastor is saying about Judy, but all I hear are incomprehensible sounds as tears stream down my face.
My brain unwilling to process his words and accept the truth of what’s happening—life for the three of us will never be the same.
“It was a beautiful service, Kate. You and Jake did a great job,” Chelsi says, embracing me with the type of hug only your best friend can give, making my problems disappear for a few brief seconds. “How are you doing?”
“Hanging in there,” I reply, smoothing out imaginary wrinkles from my black knee-length dress. “My brain feels like it’s been in a fog since the accident.”
My eyes dart around the room, trying to locate Jake to check on how he’s doing.
The VFW hall we’re hosting the reception at is packed, making me eternally grateful for being an over planner and ordering significantly more food than my mom thought we’d need.
The room is filled with so many familiar faces—from our elementary school teachers to Judy’s hairstylist to the family physician.
Almost everyone in town has come out to support us.
They’ve all been extremely respectful of Jake’s request for privacy, stopping by to share their condolences with him and quickly moving on without any uncomfortable small talk.
As I glance through the sea of people, I spot my mom holding court with a bevy of friends. She’s talking animatedly about something—likely her favorite pastime: spreading gossip. I swear that woman keeps the town rumor mill thriving.
It takes me multiple glances around the room before I find Jake, standing near the dessert table, talking with one of our friends from high school.
The moment his eyes meet mine, he gives me a small nod—his way of saying that he doesn’t need rescuing.
Although everyone is dressed in dark colors, Jake stands out from the crowd in his black tailored suit, crisp white shirt, and black skinny tie.
The entire ensemble seems custom-made, hugging every inch of his body without appearing constricting.
He looks like he walked off a magazine shoot, utter perfection and out of place in this small town.
“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.” Chelsi brings my focus back to our conversation, squeezing my hand. “I wish I could stay longer.”
“I’m glad you were able to come. Having you here for support means the world.”
“I still can’t believe Brian didn’t bother coming. Being busy at work is no excuse for not being there for your fiancée,” Chelsi says in frustration. “I thought he was a better man than that. Guess I was wrong.”
“Don’t be too hard on him. He’s got a lot on his plate at work.
He’d be here if he could,” I reply calmly, trying to convince myself it’s true.
“He sent me a huge bouquet of flowers yesterday when he realized he wouldn’t be here.
And the largest arrangement at the funeral was from him and his family. ”
“Flowers aren’t the same as support, Kate. You deserve more than flowers from your fiancé.” Chelsi clenches her fists, and her mouth tightens. “He should’ve been by your side the past few days. Attended the funeral at the bare minimum.”
“I know,” I whisper, glancing at my heels and wishing I could avoid the reality of this.
I’m not naive. I know it’s extremely odd for my fiancé not to be here when Judy was a second mom to me.
Not to mention, my mom almost died in the same accident.
He should be supporting me in person rather than the few calls and texts we’ve exchanged since I came back to Southmount.
But I’m not emotionally ready to dive into what his absence really means.
Not prepared to unpack how I knew he wasn’t going to come to the funeral when two dozen red carnations were delivered yesterday.
Flowers are how he apologizes when he breaks a promise.
The bigger the promise, the bigger the bouquet.
Didn’t realize how tied together those two concepts were until yesterday.
The gnawing sensation in my gut tells me something’s wrong, something I’ll need to process in due time. Just not today.
“Make sure you advocate for yourself. You’re an incredible woman, Kate. Don’t forget it,” Chelsi says confidently, staring into my eyes.
“I agree. Kate’s pretty incredible,” Jake agrees, a sly grin on his face and a twinkle in his eye as he joins our conversation out of nowhere. “You have to be Kate’s other best friend, Chelsi. I’ve heard so much about you.”
“You must be mistaken. I’m Kate’s only best friend,” Chelsi teases. “It’s nice to meet you, Jake. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard much about you until recently.” A satisfied smirk grows across her face.
“Play nice, Chelsi,” I warn. Chelsi has zero problems standing up for herself and demanding the same for her friends.
She’ll rake Jake over the coals for disappearing from my life if I let her, but now is definitely not the time.
Although she doesn’t know the whole story, she knows enough to make her cautious.
She’s already made it clear that she refuses to give up her role as my best friend.
“I’m always nice,” Chelsi murmurs, toying with the ends of her curls.
“Uh-huh,” I reply, holding back a laugh.
“Are you sure we haven’t met before, Jake?” Chelsi asks, biting her lower lip and running her eyes up and down Jake’s body. “You look really familiar.” She taps her finger against her cherry-red lips as if she’s trying to figure out why she recognizes him.
Jake and I lock eyes as my pulse starts to race.
“Nope. Definitely would’ve remembered meeting a firecracker like you.
” Jake flashes a wicked smile at Chelsi.
“Speaking of meeting people…I thought I’d get the pleasure of meeting Brian.
Kate’s mom has been talking nonstop about how wonderful he is.
Wanted to confirm that for myself. See if he truly deserves Kitty Kat. ”
I glare in Jake’s direction at his use of that stupid nickname. I’d really let him have it if he wasn’t using it to change the subject.
“Um…Kitty Kat. I’m definitely going to need to know more about the origin of that and whether or not I can use it,” Chelsi says with a smile before it quickly turns to a frown.
“As for Brian, he’s not coming. Apparently, supporting his fiancée isn’t as important as it should be. He’s officially on my shit list.”
“It’s not Brian’s fault. He has to work. Tax season is crazy for him,” I reply, attempting to defend Brian’s absence, even though I’m questioning if he deserves it.
Jake’s jaw clenches, and his hands flex.
He has a murderous look in his eyes, like he’s about to destroy anyone who gets in his path.
It’s an odd display of emotion, considering he’s naturally good at burying his feelings, only letting them out in extreme circumstances.
“Doesn’t sound like the perfect man to me.
Makes me question whether he knows how lucky he is to have Kate in his life.
” Jake’s eyes soften when they linger on my face for longer than normal.
My mouth goes dry, causing me to gulp. “Let’s not gang up on Brian. He’d be here if he could. End of story,” I claim, wiping my sweaty palms on my dress. “We should probably get back to socializing with the guests.”
Jake stares at me, trying to decipher what’s going on in my head for a few seconds before he nods and then walks away to chat with the first person who approaches him. Chelsi hugs me goodbye, leaving me standing by myself and feeling a number of conflicting emotions.
I shake my head, refusing to go down the rabbit hole of dissecting how I’m feeling and what it means when it’s likely driven by a combination of grief, exhaustion, and nostalgia.
I let out a deep exhale, force my feelings back into the box, and walk over to speak with one of my childhood teachers, milling about the room. Time to play the gracious host.