Chapter 18
eighteen
I’m up bright and early on Saturday, tackling emails and writing a creative brief, hoping to get it done before Jake shows up with breakfast and takes me to check off the first item on his “fun to-do list.” He’s being elusive about what he’s planned, telling me to wear old clothes that I won’t care if they get ruined.
I’m perplexed about what he could be planning because he doesn’t seem like the type of guy to enjoy pottery painting or anything crafty on a Saturday morning. Or any day.
I groan loudly. God, I hope it’s not fucking paintball. He has another thing coming if he thinks I’m going to be okay with getting pelted by paintballs all day.
As I hit send on another email, an unexpected FaceTime call pops up on my laptop from Brian.
We haven’t chatted on video for more than a week, and our phone calls and texts have been sparse, bordering on nonexistent.
I chew on my lower lip, wondering why he’s calling, praying it’s not another reminder from his mom about the wedding invite list or save-the-date cards.
“Hey, beautiful. How are you doing?” Brian asks with a smile. The look on his face takes my breath away and makes me melt at the same time. He’s dressed in a light blue polo that perfectly complements his eyes.
“Much better now I’m talking to you. I’ve missed you. What are you doing?” My shoulders relax a bit, releasing some of the tension that’s been building up about the status of our relationship.
“Getting ready to head out with the guys. Just wanted to see my girl before we left,” he says, turning his head to speak to someone else in a hushed tone that is too quiet for me to hear.
I squint, trying to recognize his background. It’s definitely not my condo or his apartment. Is it sunny where he is? That’s odd for winter in Chicago.
“Are you at a friend’s house?” I ask calmly, chewing on my lip and trying to ignore the rising nausea.
Although I trust Brian implicitly, there’s an emotional distance between us, making me question whether it’s the physical separation or something more.
Wondering if it’s always been there and I never noticed until now.
“I’m in Florida. Golfing with the guys. Needed to get away from the Chicago winter. You know how it is.” His face is fixed on the screen, but he’s clearly distracted.
My heart sinks. He’s out of town. Making time to hang out with his friends rather than visiting me. “Oh. I didn’t realize you were traveling,” I reply softly, attempting to hold back the hurt and anger bubbling inside me.
Why is he making time for other people and not me? Where do I fit in his list of priorities?
Third?
Fourth?
After work, friends, and family?
Is this how our marriage will be?
“I thought I mentioned it to you,” he says smoothly, gesturing to someone to give him another minute.
“I just… I thought you’d want to come see me if you had any time off work.”
“Hold on. Are you asking me to choose you over my friends? Is this some type of ultimatum?” His jaw clenches, and his eyes narrow in suspicion.
I flinch slightly. “What? No. I—”
“Good. I won’t tolerate ultimatums. Won’t play those games with you.”
“That’s not what—”
“Listen, I’ve gotta go. It was good to see your face. I’ll call you in a few days when I’m back in Chicago. Love you,” he says while walking, clearly in a hurry to get to his tee time.
“Okay.”
I cover my face with my hands after the call disconnects, trying to process what just happened. How I went from being excited that he actually called me to building resentment deep inside me. How I couldn’t force the words I love you out of my mouth.
Maybe I’m overreacting and making a mountain out of a molehill.
But what if I’m not?
Have I been so desperate to be loved that I’ve ignored the red flags? Has he always been this way? Or is this new behavior driven by the stress we’re both under?
I’ll ask Chelsi since she’s seen us together. She’ll be brutally honest and tell me whether this is real or if I’m overreacting.
I shake my head, hoping the worry is nothing more than a combination of stress and typical wedding jitters, but Brian choosing his friends over me, considering how little we’ve seen each other, hurts a lot.
“Morning, Kate. Are you ready for your first fun adventure?” Jake greets as he strolls into the kitchen, wearing a flannel shirt, faded jeans, worn dark brown boots, and a baseball hat with a deep curve that obscures his eyes slightly.
He places a coffee and a white paper bag on the table in front of me, which I’m confident contains my favorite pastries again.
I glance up at him, forcing myself to get excited about what he has planned and not letting the lingering doubts I have about Brian put a dampener on our time together.
“I’d be more enthusiastic if you told me what we’re doing.
At least I know I won’t starve. Thanks for breakfast, by the way,” I say, taking a swig of my coffee and devouring the chocolate croissant.
“Is everything okay?” He sits in the chair next to me with a furrowed brow. “What’s bothering you?”
Ugh. How can he read me so well after all these years? I need to get better at controlling my face. I plaster on a smile. “I’m fine. Just got a lot on my mind,” I lie.
“Not buying it. What’s going on? I’ll pester you until you tell me.
Is that what you want?” He folds his arms across his chest, leaning back in the kitchen chair.
“I may not have a lot of relationship experience, but I know when a woman says she’s fine, it usually means the exact opposite. Did I do something to piss you off?”
I groan, knowing I’m not getting out of talking about this.
His stubbornness rivals my own. “It’s nothing.
Brian’s out of town, golfing with friends.
It took me by surprise.” I continue drinking my coffee and take a large bite of my croissant, hoping my answer will cause him to drop this inquisition.
Shifting his body weight in the chair, his face tenses into a growing scowl; he’s unlikely to let this go anytime soon.
“What do you mean he’s golfing? I thought he was too busy to do anything but work.
” Jake’s eyes are laser-focused, like he knows there is more to the story.
Like he might see straight through to my soul and the battle raging inside.
There are two ways this conversation can go: I share my innermost thoughts and fears about what’s happening in my relationship with Brian, or I pretend it’s not a big deal and everything is fine. It doesn’t take me more than a second to pick the latter option.
“It’s not a big deal. He needs to blow off steam from work and get away from the Chicago winter.
He forgot to mention it, so I was surprised to find out he was in Florida.
That’s all.” I shrug as the muscles in his jaw flex, allowing a brief moment of silence between us.
“Seriously. It’s fine. Let’s focus on what you have planned for the day. You know how much I hate surprises.”
“If you say so.” He breaks eye contact and turns his head away, giving both of us a reprieve from the awkwardness of the conversation. When he locks eyes with me again, his scowl has disappeared, replaced by a mischievous grin. “Before I tell you, remember you agreed to do it. No exceptions.”
“Uh-huh. Can you please tell me?”
“Only because you asked nicely,” he says, his smile growing, accentuating his dimples. “We’re getting dirty. It’s time to unleash your need for speed. We’re going ATV riding, like the old days.” He leans farther back in his chair, folding his arms and looking very proud of himself.
He can’t be serious. It’s the middle of winter. It’s been years since I’ve done anything like that. “I’m not sure it’s the best idea—”
“No exceptions. Grab a pair of boots and meet me in the truck. We’re going to have so much fun.” His eyes linger intently on me before he stands and walks out of the room, completely confident I’ll follow him and that today will be a blast.
“I’m not sure about this,” I say nervously, biting my lower lip as I sit on the back of the ATV, my arms wrapped tightly around Jake.
The brisk winter wind seeps into my bones, breaking through the multiple layers of clothes I’m wearing.
I shiver, knowing the cold will only get worse once we start moving. “I haven’t been on an ATV in years.”
“Don’t worry. I got you. You’ll be begging for me to go faster in no time.” He chuckles, convinced I’m going to eat my words. “Hold on tight. We’re going to relive our glory days.”
I squeal the moment he takes off, the motor vibrating underneath me as I tighten my grip around his waist. We zigzag across an empty field before he heads toward one of the trails we frequented as kids.
Memories of leading a caravan of our friends on ATVs sweep over me.
How can events that happened almost two decades ago feel like they were just yesterday?
Time is a weird vortex when you’re an adult.
One minute, you’re a teenager, racing your friends through the woods on an ATV, and the next, you’re in your mid-thirties, questioning whether your fiancé is the person you should marry.
Where did that thought come from? And why am I not dismissing it as ridiculous?
“How are you holding up? Ready to start climbing some hills?” Jake asks through the two-way radio in our helmets.
He’s toying with me. He knows it’s a rhetorical question and that I’m loving this. Dying to go faster. To feel my stomach dip when we climb a hill fast. To get lost in the adventure. Let go of the outside world and Brian-related stress for a few minutes.
“It’s about time you stopped driving so slowly.
I almost took a nap back here,” I say playfully, trying to get a rise out of him.
He mutters something under his breath, takes a swift left turn, and starts accelerating.
“Glad to see you’re done driving, Miss Daisy.
Let me know if you need me to show you how it’s done. ”
His laughter shakes his entire chest against me, enveloping me in the growing heat of our close bodies.
Picking up speed, he expertly drives us through trails that he hasn’t been on in decades but still knows like the back of his hand.
My mind instantly clears. All I can feel is the cold winter air hitting my exposed skin.
The heat from the ATV engine warms my legs.
The smell of the fresh, crisp air, mixed with his woodsy scent, with a hint of orange blossom and warm, velvety bourbon.
It smells like—home.
I lean my head against his shoulder, trying to remember the last time I felt this safe and protected. It must have been before my dad left. I gasp as the memory of him walking out on us floods my mind.
For some reason, I wasn’t enough for him to stay.
It’s why I push myself so hard. Agree to do what others want. Avoid confrontation.
Prove my worth. Earn their love.
Ensure no one else leaves me, too.
“Are you okay back there? I can feel your heart pounding,” Jake asks, his voice full of concern.
“I’m…I’m fine. An old memory of the day my dad moved out popped into my mind. Brought up some emotions I thought I had dealt with.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s all so complicated.” I let out a deep breath, pulling myself closer to Jake until there’s no space between us. “I still don’t know why he left. Why he never wanted to see me again. My mom blamed me—”
The ATV comes to a complete stop.
“Nope. Whatever your mom said about it is bullshit. You were a kid. They were the adults. Everything that happened is because of their actions, not yours. Please tell me you know that.”
A charged silence passes between us.
“Damn it, Kate. Tell me you know.”
“Do you know he’s never reached out to me?
Not even as an adult,” I reply softly, tears brimming in my eyes.
“When I was a kid, I imagined my mom was the one keeping him from me. Believed he wanted to see me, but she wouldn’t let him.
I counted down the days until I turned eighteen, thinking he would come back into my life because she could no longer keep him from me.
” I sigh, my shoulders falling. “But he didn’t contact me and likely never will.
I don’t even know if he’s still alive. He’s disappeared from my life as if he never existed. ”
“It’s his loss, Kate. If he can’t see how amazing you are, he doesn’t deserve to be in your life. Anyone who doesn’t want you in their life isn’t worth your time.”
My breath quickened. “But you left me, too,” I whisper, grateful he can’t see the hurt in my eyes. The pain he caused years ago, dying to finally release itself and make him explain his actions.
“Fuck, Kate. I never meant… I never wanted to hurt you.” His voice is strained, holding back conflicting emotions
“I know, but you did. One day, I’d like to know why.”
He sighs deeply, shifting on the ATV seat. “I’m not sure where to begin—”
“Not today. Don’t tell me today. I want to enjoy the rest of the day and forget my problems.”
He gulps loudly. “Okay. If that’s what you want.”
“It is,” I reply assertively, pushing my feelings back into the box where they’ve been held for fifteen years. “Now, are you going to show me a good time as you promised, or should I take over?”
He shakes his head and chuckles, squeezing my hands wrapped around his waist before taking off.
We spend the rest of our time traversing the trails in the woods, across empty farm fields.
There are moments of silence where our breathing synchronizes, and our chests beat against each other.
Other moments are filled with reminiscing about our childhood, where we traipsed through these same fields.
We avoid talking about the hard stuff. My mom.
My dad. His mom. Brian. And what happened between us.
Choosing to bury our heads in the sand for one more day.