Chapter 22
twenty-two
“You weren’t joking when you said there was a lot to do tonight,” Jake says, assessing the pile of packages strewn across the living room and placing two pizza boxes on the coffee table.
He’s dressed for an evening of home improvement projects, wearing gray sweatpants that hang low on his hips and a ratty band T-shirt as he takes his usual seat next to me on the couch, nudging my knee with his.
“Did you mean to order every item your mom might need when she eventually comes home?”
“You’re hilarious. Do you get paid to do stand-up?
” I reply sarcastically, lightly punching him on the arm for teasing me about being well-prepared.
I grab a pizza box, confident that one is a simple pepperoni pizza for me and the other a barbecue chicken for him.
“Thanks for getting dinner again.” A smile at him, grateful for how he keeps me fed throughout the day, making me wonder if food might be one of his love languages… for his friends.
“No need to thank me. It’s the least I can do. Now, let’s eat before we tackle this mini-warehouse.”
We each grab a slice of pizza and settle into a comfortable silence.
I can tell something is bothering Jake because his hair is disheveled, like he’s been running his fingers through it all day, pulling on various strands in frustration.
I’ve learned not to push too hard when he’s stressed because he’ll start to shut down.
Instead, I wait until he’s ready to talk—if he’s ever ready.
Jake clears his throat, tossing the pizza crust into the box, and jumps up from the couch, startling me and instantly changing the energy in the room. “Where do you want to start?” He gestures to the boxes organized in piles across the room.
“Probably the bathroom. It’s the most critical and time-consuming.” I point to a large pile of items near us as Jake gathers four boxes to carry into my mom’s bathroom. I follow him with the tool bag.
We spend a few minutes organizing our supplies and reading the instructions before installing the shower grab bar.
Although I’m trying to stay focused on the project at hand, I’m also constantly staring at Jake when he’s not looking, trying to read his face and figure out what’s bothering him.
The longer I watch, the more intrigued I am about what’s going on in his head.
“Stop staring. Ask whatever you’re contemplating,” he says, pointing the screwdriver at me while straddling the edge of the bathtub.
I chew on my lower lip, debating for a few seconds whether I should feign ignorance or admit that not knowing what’s bothering him is driving me crazy.
He tilts his head slightly and waves the tool at me again, indicating I need to get on with it.
“Fine. I was going to give you space and let you talk when you’re ready, but if you insist.” I place my hands on my hips and lock my eyes on him. “Something is bothering you. What is it?” He briefly flinches, and my stomach drops. “Do you need to leave soon?”
I knew this moment could come at any time. He can’t stay in Southmount forever. But I had this dream where we’d both head back to our respective real lives after my mom is healed and his mom’s estate is wrapped up. A wave of nausea hits me, and my mouth goes dry.
“Whoa there, Kate. I’m not going anywhere.
There’s just—” He sighs, leaning back against the tub.
“My mom’s death is causing me to rethink a lot of things in my life, especially relationships.
I’ve always been bad—no, horrible—at them.
But then I see you, Dylan and Hannah, Brandon, and Shawn.
” His eyes meet mine as he smiles softly.
“We’re the same age, and you’re all with the loves of your lives.
Then there’s me. Completely alone. Makes me wonder if I’ve missed my chance.
” He tilts his head back, running a hand through his still-messy hair. “How did you know Brian was the one?”
Definitely did not expect this topic to be on his mind.
His reasoning makes sense. I inhale deeply as the nausea subsides a little, knowing he’s not leaving, and sit on the floor across from him with an instruction sheet in my lap.
“I thought for a moment you were going to tell me that you need to head home. Back to work,” I reply, showing him my vulnerability.
“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” He gently nudges me with his foot. “Tell me about Brian.” He looks at me so earnestly, like he wants to understand something deeper about our love story, more than what I’ve shared with him over the past few weeks.
The hopeless romantic in me used to love sharing how Brian and I fell in love, but the excitement I usually feel is gone, replaced with confusion and apprehension.
I bite my lower lip, looking down before finally raising my gaze to meet Jake’s eyes.
“I met Brian in grad school and had an immediate crush on him. We were friends until the end of our first semester when he asked me out. We’ve been together for five years now.
” Jake nods, urging me to continue. “Brian was my first everything. Never had a boyfriend before him.”
Jake’s mouth drops open, his eyes widen. “You’re not… You’re not serious. You’ve had other boyfriends.” He rubs his jaw, and I swear I see the wheels turning in his head. “What about…huh? Why can’t I think of anyone you dated in high school?”
“Because there wasn’t anyone. I focused on school and spent my free time with you and our friends.
Guys weren’t interested in me. Brian was the first.” My shoulders fall slightly as I remember how much it hurt that no one found me attractive or wanted more than a friendship from me.
Until Brian. I shake my head, forcing the feelings of inadequacy out of my mind.
“He was my first. My only. It’s pretty romantic when you think about it,” I claim, unsure whether I’m trying to convince Jake or myself.
An incredulous look develops on Jake’s face. “You’ve had sex with other people. You can’t be telling me he’s the only person you’ve ever been with. That would be—”
“What? Romantic. Special. Unique.”
“Unexpected.”
“It’s the truth. He’s the only one.” Is Brian being my first clouding my judgment about what’s happening in our relationship?
Am I too scared of losing him and being alone that I let him treat me poorly?
I swallow hard and chew on the inside of my lip, wondering how much my lack of relationship experience affects how I see Brian.
Jake squeezes his eyes shut, covering his mouth with one of his hands as he likely attempts to process the information I’ve shared.
It’s the complete opposite of how he’s chosen to live his life.
God, I can’t even imagine how many notches are on his bedpost. Nausea rolls through me again at the thought of Jake sleeping with other women.
I shake my head, wanting to get the image of him and other women out of my mind.
“How did you know he was the right person for you? The man you wanted to marry.” The shock is completely gone from his face as he stares intensely into my eyes. Almost like he’s peering into my soul.
Unease pangs my stomach. How do I respond to that? Months ago, the answer was easy, and I was confident Brian was the right person for me. Now I’m not so sure. “We’ve been together for five years and have similar life goals. And, obviously, we love each other.”
The room is silent for a couple of minutes, except for our breathing. I don’t feel comfortable sharing more about my relationship with Brian, but it also feels incredibly awkward to just go back to installing the shower bar.
God, I hope he doesn’t ask any other questions. I don’t have it in me to discuss the concerns swirling in my mind about my relationship. I want to avoid the subject until I’ve had a chance to talk to Brian in person and can determine, once and for all, whether he’s truly the one for me.
Jake looks at the ceiling, inhaling sharply and letting out a long exhale.
Fuck. He’s about to say something serious. It’s another of his go-to tells. My fingernails dig into my palms, and I brace myself for what he’s about to say and how I might need to respond.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but what you said about Brian could be said about anyone in your life. It doesn’t answer why he’s the right man for you.” His eyes fix on my face. “I don’t want you to settle.”
He cannot be serious. He hasn’t been around for over a decade and has never had a long-term relationship, but he wants to judge mine?
A mix of confusion and anger boils inside me.
It drives me crazy how easily he sees the truth after all of this time.
How I can’t hide anything from him. How he might know me better than my own fiancé. What does that say about me?
“This from the guy who slept his way through the phone book,” I deflect, shooting daggers at him. I hate how well he reads me.
“That’s not what I’m saying. This isn’t about sex.
You don’t know who else is out there.” He straightens his posture with eyes still laser-focused on me.
“You chose the first guy who gave you any attention, and where is he now? Where has he been for the past few weeks? I sure as hell haven’t seen him.
And you don’t talk to him very often, either. ”
“That’s not fair. His career is important,” I reply defensively, wildly gesturing with my arms as if what Jake said was completely outlandish. I don’t even know why I’m defending Brian right now.
“Didn’t say it wasn’t. Doesn’t mean you’re not important. You should be the most important part of his life,” he says, balling his fists at his sides. “What do I know? I’m just fucking my way through—what did you call it?—the phone book.”
His words are a punch to my gut. I’m on the verge of exploding and might start dry heaving any second.
I should be calm and measured. It’s how I was raised, but my anger wins out.
“You don’t know him. Or me. It’s been fifteen years since you spoke to me.
You waltz back in here like nothing has changed when everything is different,” I yell, surprising myself with the firmness in my tone.
A wicked grin appears. “There she is. It’s about time you stood up for yourself.”
My eyes flare, and heat crawls up my neck. “Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Not a damn thing. There isn’t anything wrong with you either, Kate. Do you know that?”
His words send me reeling. My mind is spinning, not knowing what to think or how to respond.
My chest feels like it’s been cracked open with all my insecurities on display.
How is he able to do that after so long?
It’s infuriating. I drop my head into my hands, letting out a soft sigh.
I don’t know where we go from here. I don’t know what to say or how to respond to any of it. It’s so confusing.
He scoots closer until our knees are touching.
“You know that, right? You’re amazing. Anyone would be lucky to love you.
You deserve the world. I hope that’s what you’ve found with Brian.
” I lift my head and see a deep sincerity in his eyes.
“I’m sorry you thought you weren’t worthy of love. You’ve always been more than worthy.”
Tears softly fall from my eyes, and he gently wipes them away.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry. I wanted to better understand how you felt about Brian since I’ve only seen a fraction of your relationship.
I—” Both of his hands tug at his thick locks.
He gazes at the bathroom ceiling for a few seconds and then lowers his head to stare directly into my eyes.
“It destroys me that you felt unworthy of attention and love. And knowing I contributed to it by cutting you out of my life makes me hate myself. I want you to be happy. If Brian is what makes you happy, then I’ll be cheering the two of you on.
I want to know you’re with someone who truly deserves you because you deserve the world. ”
I nod, unable to say anything without confessing my uncertainty about marrying Brian.
Sharing my insecurities with Chelsi was hard enough.
Telling Jake might destroy me because I know exactly how he’d react.
How much he’d push me to stand up for myself and demand to be treated better.
Exactly what I know I need to do. What I’m planning to do when Brian comes into town for the party.
“Hopefully, I can meet Brian soon. Your mom acts like he walks on water. Perhaps an invite to the wedding for an old friend?” He stands, reaching for my hand and pulling me up alongside him until only a few inches separate us.
My body flushes. “Of course. Brian and I will want you there if your schedule allows.” I gulp quietly, looking up into his eyes.
“I’ll make sure it does. You’re important to me, Kate.
I may not have shown you that in the past, but I’m going to prove it now.
” He embraces me, squeezing tight. “You’ll always be important to me.
I promise,” he whispers in my ear, his breath skittering down my neck, causing goosebumps to erupt all over my skin.