Chapter 38
thirty-eight
“Hey,” Jake says cheerfully, walking in the front door of my mom’s carrying two coffees and a bag of pastries.
It’s the same routine he’s had for weeks, but everything feels different now.
His text to check if it was okay to come over.
The twenty minutes I spent fussing with my hair and applying a tiny bit of makeup to give myself a quick morning glow-up without looking like I’ve tried too hard.
I’m toeing the line of putting in effort without going overboard, which is why I’m still wearing my pajamas.
“Hey,” I murmur, a blush creeping up my neck and cheeks.
Did he always make me feel this flushed, or is this new?
Oh God. What if he can tell? I bite my lower lip, averting my gaze to gain some composure.
I can’t flush every time he’s near. What kind of mixed signal does that send?
I tuck my legs underneath me and stare at the corner of the room, sensing him coming closer to me.
“Kate,” he whispers, standing inches away.
He leans down, gently caressing the side of my face with the back of his hand.
“Things don’t have to be awkward between us.
” He cups my chin, turning my face toward him.
“There’s my girl.” He flashes a heart-melting grin that makes me want to forget whatever I said last night about taking this slow.
Instead, I want to straddle him on the couch, devour his lips, run my fingers through his hair, and feel his hands on my body.
Fuck. I’m this close to taking Chelsi’s advice and jumping him after only twelve hours. How am I going to survive weeks of this? Months? How long do I want to wait? My body is screaming while my brain is urging me to be logical.
“Would it help to talk about last night? I know you need time to think through all of this. Probably make a pros and cons list.” Little does he know, I’ve already mentally started one.
His finger traces along my jawline, causing my breath to hitch and a tingle to spread to my core.
“I’m also fine if you don’t want to talk about it for a while.
Until you’re ready. I’ll do whatever you want.
” He leans in, his nose grazing my cheek.
“Just know this…I’m going to pursue the hell out of you.
Show you every fucking day how you deserve to be treated.
Prove that we’ll be perfect together. Make it impossible for you to imagine spending your life with anyone but me. ”
Hot damn. Did he just… Oh my God, he did.
He’s talking about us as endgame. Is it possible to be excited and want to throw up at the same time?
How can he be so sure this is what he wants?
My body clearly wants him; my heart is scared shitless.
He’s never had a long-term relationship or been in love.
What if this is only a temporary, fleeting feeling brought on by grief?
Our proximity? What if his feelings fade away once he goes back to his real life?
Where would that leave me? I can’t fathom having my heart broken again this year. It’d be too much.
“You’re spiraling,” he whispers, his heated breath hitting my face.
His minty mouthwash and his unmistakable woodsy scent with hints of orange blossom and velvety bourbon that permeates his skin and clothes.
A combination I could drown myself in—one that makes me feel completely at home. “Talk to me, Kate. Please.”
“Okay.” I lean back into the couch, putting some distance between us to prevent myself from climbing him like a tree. “It’s hard to think clearly when your lips are that close to mine.”
“Glad to know I have that effect on you,” he replies with a wink, grabbing his coffee and sitting next to me. We’re so close that our thighs are almost touching, and the small smirk on his face makes it clear he knows exactly what he’s doing.
Why does he have to be so damn gorgeous and enticing?
Holy shit. When did I start finding him attractive?
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always seen Jake as good-looking because I have eyes.
But I’ve never felt any attraction to him—I’ve been completely impenetrable to his charms—until he kissed me.
Now, a single look sends electric shockwaves throughout my entire body, making me crave his touch.
Does this man have some type of magical powers? One kiss renders you completely senseless, unable to think with anything other than your libido.
Get your shit together, Kate. Stop fantasizing about the various ways you’d like Jake’s body pressed against yours and talk to him. Use your words.
I inhale deeply, then exhale slowly with my hands resting on my pounding heart. “Last night was unexpected. From the conversation about our past to the kiss. It’s a lot to process.”
Jake nods, crossing one leg over another. “I know. How can I help you process all of it?” His eyes lock on mine, a softness and yearning in the depths of his steel-blue eyes that I’ve never seen before. He rubs the back of his neck, pulling on the muscles in his shoulders. He’s tense. Nervous.
Do I make the usually calm and collected Jake anxious? That’s a surprising turn of events.
“When did this start for you? Seeing me as something other than just a friend?” I ask.
A small smile grows across his face; his eyes crinkle slightly as if he’s remembering a specific moment. “Growing up, I always saw you as my best friend. Practically family. I never had any romantic feelings for you back then.”
My nervous smile falters a tiny bit. There goes my delusional idea from 3 a.m. that he was secretly pining after me for decades.
“A few weeks ago, it hit me like a freight train, and I couldn’t unsee it.
You were captivating. I wanted to get lost in your hazel eyes.
Touch your soft skin. Bask in your smell.
Kiss every inch of your body. It was confusing and maddening.
” He runs a hand through his hair multiple times, effortlessly making it look better than when he walked in.
“Why?” The thumping in my chest gets faster as I hold my breath. Dying to know his answer.
“Because I couldn’t do anything about it.
You were with him.” His head drops. “I hated how he treated you. The way he couldn’t see the beautiful jewel in front of him.
I knew he didn’t deserve you, but I would never do anything to break up a relationship.
I’m not that guy.” He swallows hard, lifting his head until his eyes meet mine again.
“When you ended things with him, I thought I might have a chance someday. Planned to wait a few months before telling you how I felt. Give us time to strengthen our friendship. Allow you to move on.”
“Why didn’t you?”
He exhales, reaching over to take my hand in his, lacing.
“My mom. Her death made me realize how precious time is and the importance of savoring every moment. The photobook you gave me last night reminded me of that. It felt like a sign from her, encouraging me to take a step forward and see if you felt the same way.” Our fingers are intertwined as he lightly strokes my hand with his thumb.
“Promised myself I’d take a chance if the moment arose.
Definitely didn’t think it was going to happen once we started talking about the past and how much I hurt you.
Almost wrote off the entire idea, convincing myself to wait a couple of months. But…I just couldn’t.”
My mouth slightly parts as I chew on the corner of my lip. Taking in every word he’s said. He wants this. Wants me. And I want him. My head is battling my heart. One desperate to take things slow, the other ready to jump in.
He licks his lips, and my eyes instinctively follow the movement of his tongue. “When you kissed me back… Fuck, Kate. My heart couldn’t beat any harder. It was more than I could’ve imagined.” He lifts my hand, pressing a soft kiss to it.
“Same,” I whisper, leaning my shoulder against his. “How do we figure this out? I want to try, but I’m worried about getting my heart broken. If things don’t work out, I don’t want to lose my best friend,” I say, tears brimming in the corners of my eyes.
“You won’t lose me. I’ll never break your heart again.
No matter how things turn out between us romantically, I won’t walk out on you.
” He rests his head against me, our breathing synchronizing as a sense of peace washes over both of us.
“As much as I want to spend the rest of the day kissing you. Exploring every inch of your body. I know we need to take things slow. You need time to process how you feel about me.”
I nod. He’s had at least a few weeks to process the change in how he sees me, while I’ve barely had a day.
“Here’s my suggestion. We focus on being friends, getting ready for your mom to come home in a few days, and working through the never-ending collection of stuff in my mom’s house.
I’ll be open and honest about my feelings and won’t shy away from flirting with you.
As I said, prepare to be wooed.” I blush, burying my head into his shoulder.
“When you’re ready for something more than friends, then I’ll take you out on an official date.
And if you decide that you don’t want to be anything more than friends, that’s okay.
Nothing about our friendship will change if you don’t want a romantic relationship with me. I promise.”
“Okay. I don’t know how long it will take me—”
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll wait for however long it takes. Answer any questions you have. Discuss any pros and cons you might come up with. Do anything you need to be comfortable with whatever decision you make.”
“Would you create a spreadsheet of pros and cons for me?”
Jake chuckles. “Yes. After you teach me how. It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything like that.”
I shake my head, smiling at the lengths this man is willing to go for me. “Never thought I’d see the day when Jake Caldwell willingly created his own spreadsheet.”
“Anything for you, Kate.” He brings our clasped hands to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to my hand. “I have two conditions I’d like to propose for our waiting period.”
“Okay. What are they?”
“First, I’m not going to kiss you again.
Not because I don’t want to, but because once I start, I won’t be able to stop,” he says, eyeing my lips like he regrets the words that just came out of his mouth.
“Second, we continue checking off the activities on the ‘Kate Needs to Have Fun List.’ This includes going together to Dylan and Hannah’s wedding in a couple of weeks. ”
“I’m not going to the wedding,” I reply, moving away from Jake and slumping into the couch cushion.
“Why not?” His brow furrows and eyes narrow.
Isn’t it obvious? He has to understand why it would be uncomfortable for me. Both of them were at my engagement party last week, and now I’m no longer getting married. No one wants that type of bad energy at their wedding.
“Everyone in town will be there. It’ll be super awkward when most of them were at my engagement party. I don’t want to take away attention from Dylan and Hannah.”
“They want you there, and they already know about you and Brian. Plus, the town gossip will be onto something else by their wedding. You know how your mom and the other women love to stir the pot. She’s probably actively on the lookout for new drama, so you won’t be the talk of the town anymore.
” He nudges my leg with his thigh, giving me a sweet smile that reaches his eyes.
“You’re probably right. That woman sure does love drama.” I cover my face with my hands before exhaling a deep breath. “Okay. We’ll go to the wedding together. As friends.”
“As friends,” he parrots, pulling my hands away from my face and gently kissing the inside of my palm. “Just friends until you tell me otherwise. Then I’m going to kiss the fuck out of you and never let you go.”