Chapter 7 #2
‘You’d think she’d be more sympathetic, then,’ Catherine said, as she got up to assemble the high chair.
‘At least this will give me a chance to see how easy the buggy is to collapse.’ She grunted and huffed as she wrestled with the chair, but she finally got it open and positioned it at the side of their table.
Then she lifted Paddington into it (‘I won’t bother strapping him in’) and began to collapse the buggy.
‘God, I’m ready for a lie-down now,’ she said, when she’d finally got it flat. She rested it against the side of the banquette and sat down again.
‘A mother’s work is never done.’ Claire smiled.
‘Tell me about it!’
When the waitress returned with their coffee, she eyed Paddington sitting up in the high chair, but said nothing.
‘So,’ Catherine said, leaning across the table, ‘what’s up?’
Claire took a deep breath. ‘Mark Bell contacted me – about the blog.’
‘Mark Bell! Wow!’
Claire smiled. She’d known Catherine would get how big this was immediately. She took a sip of her coffee. ‘He wants me to do a book based on it.’
Catherine gasped. She straightened in her seat, eyes wide. ‘What? Oh my God! This is huge!’
‘I know!’ Claire grinned.
‘We should be having champagne. Anyway, congratulations!’ She bumped her mug against Claire’s.
‘Thanks. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Nothing’s been finalised yet.’
‘Still – Mark Bell! I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. I’m so pleased for you.’ She gave Claire’s arm a squeeze. ‘You totally deserve it.’
‘Thanks.’
‘So, what’s the story? What happens next?’
‘Well, he’s coming to Dublin at the weekend. I’m meeting him for dinner on Saturday.’
‘Wow, he’s keen. Mind you, I can’t say I’m surprised. He’s totally got the hots for you.’
‘He hasn’t, though – not really.’
‘Oh, come on. You two have some serious chemistry going whenever you’re on Twitter. You can tell he’s gagging to be one of your Mr Men.’
‘Oh God, don’t say that!’
‘Why not?’ Catherine frowned. ‘You like him, too, don’t you?’
‘Yes, but—’
‘Of course you do. He’s clever, friendly – he seems really nice. And he’s very attractive, if you like that whole male penis thing.’
‘Which I do.’ Claire giggled.
‘Which you do. So what’s the problem?’
‘Me,’ Claire said, spreading her arms. ‘I’m going to be meeting him in real life. And I’m not exactly the person in that blog, as you well know.’
Catherine considered this, then shrugged. ‘You’ve obviously managed to convince him so far – not to mention your thousands of followers. And he’s hardly going to give you a practical, is he?’
‘No, but…’ Claire chewed her lip. ‘He’s going to expect me to be this really sassy, confident person that I’m not.’
‘Yikes, yes – I see what you mean. So, basically you need to learn how to act like a ho?’
‘NiceGirl is not a ho!’ Claire protested indignantly.
‘I know, I know. She’s just a nice girl who likes sex. Still, you can’t go wrong being a bit slutty with men, can you?’
‘You think?’
‘Don’t ask me. I have no idea what men like. I’m just going by what I see on TV and in movies.’
‘What do you think I should do?’
‘Whatever you have to. This is Mark Bell we’re talking about. Come on – it’s your dream. You can act sassy for one night, can’t you?’
‘God, I don’t know. I’m not much of an actress. Besides, if he decides to go ahead with a book, it won’t just be one night, will it? And if it does get published, there’ll be publicity and everyone will see that NiceGirl and I don’t match up.’
‘Okay, slow down. Let’s take this one step at a time. Just worry about Saturday for now.’
‘You’re right.’ Claire nodded, trying to calm down. ‘But that only gives me a week to catch up on years of experience,’ she said, starting to panic again at the enormity of the task ahead of her.
‘But you don’t need actual experience. You can just bluff it.’
‘I suppose.’
‘Besides, he probably doesn’t even expect you to be as ballsy as your blog. He knows you’re a writer – that’s why he’s interested in you. He’s probably factored a certain amount of fiction into what you write.’
‘I doubt he’s factored in that I’m a total fantasist.’
‘Look on the bright side. It’s a breeze compared to what I’d have to do to impersonate my alter ego.’
‘True,’ Claire said, glancing at Paddington. ‘At least I don’t have to produce a fully-fledged toddler before Saturday. How’s Paddy been anyway?’
‘He’s great,’ Catherine said, smiling fondly at the bear. ‘Completely potty-trained.’
‘How old is he now?’
‘He turned two last week. Did I tell you I’m thinking of having another?’ Catherine said.
‘Really? Isn’t it a bit soon?’
‘Well, all the other mums who started out with me seem to be going onto their second now. I need to stay ahead of the curve.’
‘How would Paddy react to that, do you think?’
Catherine cocked her head to the side thoughtfully. ‘I haven’t decided yet. He might be madly jealous – there’d be a lot of mileage in that. Or he could fall totally in love with the baby, which would be adorable.’ She shrugged. ‘I’ll see what the other babies are doing, I guess.’
‘Maybe it’s a good thing you’re not ahead of the curve on this one.’
‘I wish I could have been more help,’ Catherine said apologetically, as they finished their coffee, ‘but I know all I want to know about seducing men, and that’s bugger-all.’
‘It’s okay,’ Claire said. ‘It’s great just to be able to talk it out with someone.’
‘Oh, I know!’ Catherine perked up. ‘Why don’t you ask that girl you work with? She’s a bit of a slapper, isn’t she?’
‘Yvonne? She’s not a slapper. She’s just—’
‘A nice girl who likes sex, right?’
‘Yes.’
‘She’s the perfect person to help you, then. She’s exactly who you’re pretending to be.’