Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
“When Ansley died, I stopped living too. I felt guilty because I didn’t protect her.
I questioned why she hadn’t been comfortable enough to tell me she was meeting a man.
I worried I’d been too strict and that’s why she’d hidden it from me.
I kept thinking if I had done things differently, she’d still be here and I let my guilt convince me I didn’t deserve good things either. ”
Moved by his words, and thankful he was willing to share with her, Palmer rubbed her palm over his beard. The sharp prickles grounded her.
“Your guilt is a little different. Someone—I believe your foster parents, who didn’t deserve your sparkle—filled your heart with lies about what you did or didn’t deserve.
And while they were wrong, somewhere along the way, you believed them and their untrue words wrapped around your heart.
It’s made you believe your needs, your very natural needs, are bad and that’s not true at all, honey. ”
Tears prickled Palmer’s eyelids and she knew there was no point in trying to rub them away. Taking a steadying breath and bracing herself, she prepared to say something she’d never shared before.
“My m-mom was… she... I...”
Master Beau gently turned her on his lap and wrapped his arms around her, resting both hands on her back.
“I’m listening, baby.”
“My mom was sick. Sometimes she was nice. She’d brush my curls or take me to the park.”
Palmer searched Beau’s eyes, looking for the warmth and acceptance she was used to seeing in them. When she found it, she continued.
“But other times she was mean. The littlest thing would set her off. She’d explode at the sight of me or the sound of my voice. She hated me. It was so hard because I never knew which version of her I was going to get.”
Master Beau didn’t say anything, but his hands tightened on her back.
“When she was angry with me, she said really awful things. Terrible things.” Palmer swallowed.
“I let people think my foster parents caused me to be so fearful, but, really, it was my mom. I mean, Linda and Michael weren’t any better.
.. but my mom’s words are the ones that play over and over in my head. ”
Beau slid his palm up her back and cupped her curls. He pulled her head to rest on his shoulder. “Oh, baby,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry.”
“I didn’t understand for a long time,” she whispered, “but in high school, I took a psychology class and I realized that my mom was mentally ill. I started reading everything I could find on the topic and it brought me a lot of closure, but I’m still haunted by her words.”
“I bet you are, Palmer. Your mother was supposed to set the standard for how other people treated you and she failed you miserably. That’s so unfair, honey.”
“She used to tell me that…” Palmer trailed off, unsure if she could even whisper the words.
“What did she say, pretty baby?”
“She used to tell me that she was the only person who would ever love me b-because I was so bad. Some days it’s easier to believe it than to fight it.”
Suddenly Palmer’s fear of being bad made much more sense. Beau’s heart ached with her. “I know, honey, but now that you’re here at the Ranch, you have people helping you fight those ugly lies.” He pulled her closer.
Palmer smiled, like it was the first time the thought occurred to her. “Yeah.” She nodded, her eyes hopeful.
For several long moments, she was quiet, playing with the buttons on his shirt.
“I think you’re right, though. It is time I started living too. Maybe we can do it t-together.”
Beau smiled big and wide before pressing his forehead to hers. “Together, pretty baby.”
Palmer let their foreheads rest together for a bit longer before she slowly climbed from his lap.
“Could I look at the rest of my gifts?”
“Absolutely!” he said, standing and clapping his hands.
As badly as Palmer wanted to look, she couldn’t. Anxiety and fear weighed her down so much that she couldn’t lift her head.
Thankfully Beau understood–he always understood. He startled her by picking her up, that time settling her on his hip. Palmer didn’t know that she’d ever been held like that.
“Wrap your legs around me, pretty baby.”
She did.
He supported her with an arm under her bottom.
“Let’s see,” he said, looking over the items. “Oh, let’s start here.” He picked up a pink dinosaur backpack with lavender straps. Tucked neatly into the side pocket was a matching water bottle.
“It’s so cute!” Palmer loved it!
“Well, I think since you’re my Little girl, maybe you’d have lots more fun at preschool, so I got you a pretty backpack for your first day.”
“Preschool?” Palmer’s eyes widened.
“Preschool,” Beau confirmed.
“Because I’m a Little girl?”
“Because you're Daddy’s Little girl,” Beau said, kissing her nose. “And that’s absolutely okay.”
“Is okay,” she agreed.
“And I thought you might like a pacifier especially if you’re nervous.” He pulled out two from the package. “I tried to match them to your blanket.”
Palmer put her hands to her cheeks in the most adorable way. “They’re so pretty!”
He picked up a tan and brown puppy dog. “I can clip one to this lovie so you can hold something soft while you suck and I can attach the other to this beaded clip and secure it to your shirt so you don’t lose it.”
“One for your room and one for Palmer’s room.” Master Beau was so smart.
“Well, actually I was thinking maybe you could move into Daddy’s room.”
“Move in?” Palmer blinked, certain she’d misheard him.
“Yes, pretty baby. Move in with me.”
He seemed more amused by her bewilderment than annoyed. She was so grateful he was a patient man. “Y-you want me to… live with you?”
“I do. Very much.” He stroked his thumb across her face gently.
Excitement filled her belly. “Really?”
He chuckled. “Really.”
“But what if I’m too much? You like me right now, but I haven’t been too loud or talked too much or… or…” She trailed off as her mind tumbled over all of the ways she was bad.
Beau cupped her face in his big hands. “Hey, Palmer, look at me, baby.”
Blinking her eyes a few times so she could focus, she met his concerned gaze. “I’m sorry.” Shame heated her face. She hadn’t even moved in yet and she’d already messed up. “See, I’m so much.”
Pulling her into his chest, Beau took a seat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her back. “You’re not too much now and you’ll never be too much for the right person.” Pressing a kiss to her forehead, he continued, “I love the idea of you living with me.”
“It would make you happy?”
“It would.”
“O-okay,” she agreed, her heart pounding in her throat.
“Yeah?” he grinned, and even with her nerves, she found herself smiling too.
“Yes, Sir.”
Beau jumped to his feet, lifting her in the air and dancing them both around the room.
Laughter spilled from her chest as the room whipped around them.
“I’m so happy, pretty baby.”
“Me too, Sir.”
“I don’t think you should spank me,” Palmer said, nodding firmly.
Beau looked up from his own list of limits and studied her for a minute before laughing. “You are being sassy.”
Giggling, she ducked her head sheepishly before finishing the last few questions. She’d done one of the lists when she first arrived at the Ranch and nothing had really changed since then. Well, nothing had really changed in regards to her limits.
“I’m done,” she said, setting the pretty princess pen down on the paper. She stroked the face on her baby doll and Beau smiled at her sweetness.
“Me too,” Beau said, holding out his hand for her list. “Let me see yours.”
Hesitating, Palmer bit her lip and looked down at the paper.
“There are no wrong answers, pretty baby,” he reminded gently.
Ignoring her nerves, Palmer placed the paper in his palm.
Surprisingly, he gave her his list. Unsure what to do, Palmer scanned his answers.
“I said no to blood play too.” Palmer smiled a little, happy they had similar answers.
“We also both said no to wax play,” Beau answered.
Palmer sat a little taller in her chair. She wasn’t sure why having matching answers with Master Beau made her feel more confident. “Wax sounds messy… so did blood play.” She frowned. Being messy was yucky.
Beau looked over the rest of her answers, nodding approvingly. “Good,” he murmured.
“I did good?” Palmer asked.
Pushing back from the table, he held his hand out to her. She slid from her own chair and made her way to him. Once she took his hand, he pulled her to him and set her on his knee. “Did you answer these questions truthfully?”
Nodding so hard her whole body shook, Palmer answered, “Yes, Sir. I did.”
“Then you did excellent, pretty baby.”
Beaming at his praise, Palmer rested her head against his chest. Beau kissed her curls. “I noticed you said you’re okay with nudity, so would it be okay if I wanted to give you a bath or change your clothes?”
“Yes, Sir. I-I’ve never been naked in front of anyone before, but if we’re going to e-explore our dynamic, I don’t want to have to shift between mindsets or need to age up so I can undress myself.
T-that would be hard. And since I’m already so nervous all of the time, I feel like if maybe we just jumped in, I wouldn’t have time to be anxious.
” Suddenly very worried she’d said too much, Palmer buried her head under his chin, too nervous to look at him.
“Hey,” Beau whispered softly. He used his fingers to tip her face up to look at him. “You explained that very well.”
“I did?” Palmer didn’t feel like she’d done well at all.
“You did, and you told me that while you’re in your Little headspace it would be easier for me to make choices for you.
” Beau bounced her on his knee soothingly.
“I already knew that from listening to you talk, but this time you told me directly. That was excellent communication. I am very proud of you.”
“Thank you, Sir.”
Stroking her curls, Beau pressed another kiss to her forehead. “We’ve had a few big talks today, would you like to do something easier now?”
Palmer shifted on his knee. “Like what?”
“Something simple.”
Something simple sounded nice, especially since her brain kinda hurt.
“Okay, Sir.” Palmer frowned. If she wanted to jump in and be brave there was one more thing she needed to do. “Okay, Daddy,” she corrected.
Beau’s hand stilled in her curls, his expression softening. “Say it again, pretty baby.”
“Daddy,” Palmer repeated, more confidently this time.
“Beautiful,” Beau said, covering his heart with his hand. “Thank you, Palmer. You’ve made me so happy, Little one.”