20. Cassie
20
CASSIE
I replayed everything that happened between Matty and me on a loop. How passionate he was when speaking to me. How hopeful he looked when I kissed him. How good he felt against me. How I’d effectively broken his heart and my own with just a few simple words.
After finally coming clean and getting all of the shit off my chest that I thought desperately needed to, I assumed I’d find peace in Matthew finally knowing the truth about why I didn’t get adopted and how deep my wounds were. I’d thought I’d find closure. But there was no solace in my behavior. If anything, the hurt was even more painful. The worst part was that I had no one to blame for this but myself. With the lies that so readily fell from my tongue, I’d widened the gap between us, leaving neither of us better off.
I threw myself onto the bed, the exhaustion from the day taking hold of me. I barely heard Audrey come in from her shift.
“I made two hundred in tips and watched a woman throw her drink at her father-in-law for getting handsy. How was your night?” Audrey boasted as she pulled her short hair down from its updo.
“I slept with him,” I admitted, muffling the words with my hands as I covered my face.
Audrey pulled my hands away so I had to look at her. “You mean you two got busy right after I left you?” Audrey asked, her jaw slack.
I nodded. “And then I told him I don’t love him anymore. I can’t believe I did that.”
“Do you love him?” Audrey asked hesitantly, taking a seat next to my sorry ass and resting her hand on my back.
I nodded again, tears clouding my vision. I couldn’t control them, and they kept pouring.
“Ow.” I looked down to see Oreo, lying on his belly, moving from side to side. “Fucker just scratched me.”
“Then why did you do it?” Audrey pondered aloud, obviously confused by my actions and completely ignoring anything negative about her cat.
“Because even though I love him, I can’t be what he needs. I’m nothing, so it’s better I leave before his parents get involved again and I’m pushed away.”
Audrey stroked my hair. “I’ve seen how he looks at you. He cares for you,” Audrey offered, tentatively. “You don’t know if he would push you away. He’s not his parents. I don’t think he would keep trying if he was.”
“It’s not just him. It’s me. I’m broken.” I inhaled sharply. “I have so many fears. I’m so scared of everything,” I confessed. “What if I can never have a healthy relationship?”
“Honey, have you seen the dating pool?” Audrey asked, sarcastically. “Your past trauma has nothing on some of these guys.” She shuddered.
I couldn’t help but laugh thinking about some of our bad dating stories.
“I just … I don’t think I can have a family. Have kids.” I looked down, peeling my nail polish.
“What do you mean?” Audrey inquired. “Did a doctor tell you that?”
I shook my head. “No, nothing like that. It’s the fear.”
“I’m so lost.”
“When I was younger, my foster sister got pregnant at sixteen …” I trailed off, my heart beating rapidly. “She died during childbirth.”
“Oh god, I’m so sorry!” Audrey gasped, covering her mouth with her hands.
I nodded. “She … she not only suffered the same childhood fate as me, but now her baby …” My voice broke on the last word.
“Cass.” Audrey grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
“I can’t risk that happening. I can’t risk it.” I shook my head. “If I allowed myself to have a baby, what’s to say I don’t die during childbirth. It happens all the time. Then what if the father dies shortly after? You know?”
“And that’s why you push guys away before it gets serious,” Audrey said, realizing my ugly truth.
I was even more broken than appearances let on. I hid behind a mask of strength, but you can only hide and play pretend for so long before everything becomes real, even your fears.
“I don’t belong in his world. I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t belong—with him. I can’t …” The point was clear—I wouldn’t ruin his life anymore. The dirty stain was finally cleaned.
“Oh honey! Where there’s love, there’s always a way. You belong,” Audrey reassured me with a hug.
I shook my head, needing to confess what had been on my mind for years. The stuff that kept me up at night.
“No I don’t. I’m just as unwanted now as when I was a child.” I sniffled into Audrey’s neck. I hated being needy, but I needed Audrey right now. She was everything I never had.
“Stop that. You belong right here.” Audrey engulfed me in a bear hug. “Anyone who makes you feel otherwise is losing out on the best thing that will ever happen to them.”
I leaned back and gave her an annoyed look.
“It’s the truth, Cassie. There’s nobody more loyal, kind, and loving, and if people can’t see that, then they can go fuck themselves.” We laughed together. Audrey’s New York temper was coming out again. “And besides, they will have to deal with me if they can’t figure it out. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. I promise,” Audrey reasoned, before she got off from the bed and left the room.
After I washed off my face, I changed into pajamas and crawled under the covers. This day had been absolutely exhausting. It didn’t take long before I dozed off into dreams filled with a green-eyed boy that I wasn’t sure I’d ever get the opportunity to openly love again.
“Cassie, I love you,” Matthew whispered into my hair, holding me as I fell asleep.
My Velveteen Rabbit book was draped across my lap, as per usual.
“Me too.” I slurred the words, always falling asleep first. I felt a kiss to my forehead and let out a sigh, snuggling into his side. My Matty. Always mine. Always real.
There were countless nights that always played out the same way. He was in every positive childhood memory I could remember. Our love was undeniable. Matthew loved me. He said he still loved me.
I knew that he wasn’t lying when he said that. But was love enough?
Sure, we had love back then too, but it hadn’t been enough to keep us together. Had anything changed that would make this time any different? Wyatt and Liz still had a chokehold over Matthew, and Matthew felt indebted to them and followed their wishes blindly.
So if I knew all of this, why did it hurt so fucking much? What would have changed if I didn’t lie?
Would I have been able to excuse his family’s behavior? Fuck no. But should I have given him another chance to prove himself? Maybe.
Sure, Matthew changed when he got adopted, and his parents were pretentious assholes. But nobody told me to pretend to be happy, and nobody told me to sabotage my chances of getting adopted. No, I did that all on my own. In the name of love. A love I denied feeling until just now. For the moment we were together, I let myself believe what he was saying to be true. No more pretending. He saw through me. Too bad I couldn’t force myself to believe that fallacy. It was like now that I lied and said I didn’t love Matthew, my feelings became even more solidified and stronger. I couldn’t hide from myself any longer.