22. Ellie
As soon as I wake up, I know something is wrong. When I lift my head up, the whole room seems to move with me. It almost feels like I’m on a boat or something.
The feeling only gets worse, and something tells me that I have only seconds to get to the bathroom. I cover my mouth, trying to hold it back as best as I can as I run to the toilet. Luckily, I make it with seconds to spare before hurling into the porcelain bowl.
“Fuck!” I mutter once I’ve finished, tears rolling down my cheek from the retching.
This is not how I wanted to start the day. I was really hoping yesterday’s morning sickness was a one-time thing. It’s only been three days since finding out I’m pregnant, and already it begins.
“Ellie? Are you okay?”
“Don’t come in!” I shout, swinging the bathroom door closed.
Cedrick seeing me like this is the last thing I want. I’ll keep that from happening for as long as I possibly can.
“Okay, I won’t! But do you need anything?”
I think for a moment, but all I really need is to be alone right now. Especially as I feel another wave of nausea coming on.
“No, I’m okay. I’ll be out in a minute!”
Thank God his footsteps are receding when my body can’t hold it back any longer.
It takes another ten minutes of this before I feel well enough to stand. Once I do, I immediately grab the toothbrush and get to scrubbing. Then I follow that with a shower and a change of clothes.
Once I’m as refreshed as possible while still feeling like death, I head out of the room and into the kitchen down the hall.
Cedrick’s house is huge, and about as nice as you would expect a Prince’s to be. It feels weird to be surrounded by such wealth all the time, I’m not used to it. Not on this level, at least.
“Good morning!”
I jump at the voice, having not expected him to be in here. He’s sitting at the breakfast nook, a newspaper in hand.
“I’m not sure if I’d call it a good one, but it’s definitely morning.”
“I’m sorry. Morning sickness?”
“Yeah. I think it’s worse today.”
“Can I make you something small to eat? Or are you not hungry?”
I think for a moment. I do feel hungry, but I’m not sure if eating something is the right idea.
“I think I’m okay for now. But I’ll make myself a cup of peppermint tea. That should help.”
“Let me make it for you. You should sit.”
“I can do it myself.”
“No, really, I insist.”
“Cedrick, I’m fine. Honestly. I can do it myself. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I’m helpless.”
I can tell by the look on his face that it came out harsher than I intended. He nods and goes back to his paper.
As I prepare my tea, I find myself wishing that I could take it back. But he barely seems bothered as he brings his mug to his mouth.
Once my tea is done, I take my cup and begin walking out of the room.
“I think I’ll take it easy today. I’ll be in the library down the hall.”
“Okay. Just let me know if you need anything.”
For some reason I don’t understand, those words spark a fire in me, but I ignore it.
As I enter the library, a sense of calmness washes over me despite my nausea. It’s so beautiful in here, not stuffy or dark like your typical library. There are floor to ceiling windows lining one wall, and shelves line all the others.
I grab a book on ancient medical rituals and take a seat by the window, carefully sipping my tea and closing my eyes.
But as soon as I swallow, I can feel it.
“Oh my –”
I jump up and run to the nearest garbage can, all the way across the room. As soon as I reach it, I hurl out my guts.
“Fuck this,” I whisper, sobbing after ten more long minutes of vomiting.
My heart rate picks up when I hear footsteps. I wipe my mouth and face the door. Concern is etched into every crevice of Cedrick’s face as he sees me.
“I’m sorry, I heard you.”
“Oh, God, really? Are you disgusted?”
“No! No, of course not. I just wanted to help.”
I stare at him, anger returning to me once more. There are so many things I want to say to him, to discuss with him, but I’m not in the mood or physical condition for it right now.
“I told you that I’m not helpless, Cedrick.”
“I never said you were. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be here for you.”
“I never said I needed you to be.”
“Well, I know that, but I thought I’d try. Remember what the doctor said? You’re carrying my child. We can get a nurse from the palace to come over if you want someone attending you. It doesn’t have to be me.”
“Why? There’s nothing wrong with me. Morning sickness is normal.”
“I know that, Ellie. I’m a doctor, remember? But maybe there’s something they can give you.”
“Anything they can give me, I already know about. This is my line of work, too, remember?”
He presses his lips together, and it’s obvious that I’m starting to get to him. But no matter how badly I want to stop, I can’t. The words just keep coming out.
“And why would I see a nurse from the palace? I know plenty of great nurses. I could just go out and see one.”
“Yes, but why leave if you don’t have to?”
“Because maybe I don’t need to be treated like a doll!”
He flinches but steps closer to me. “Ellie, calm down.”
“Why, so I can be a good little princess who doesn’t have thoughts and feelings?”
“No, Ellie. Because it’s not good for you. And you don’t deserve to feel this much stress.”
As I stare at him, all I can think about is how scared I am. Scared that if I tell him how I really feel, he’ll reject me. Scared that he’ll never see me as anything more than a means to fulfill his father’s wishes.
What will happen after the year is over, when I’ve fallen even more head over heels for him and he wants to find his own wife for real, one who’s noble enough to be up to his standards? How will I raise my child amidst that hurt?
That’s not how I want the start of motherhood to look. It should be the happiest time of my life. Instead, I’m worrying about rejection. Which is insane.
I don’t know why I agreed to this. Maybe I should have just gone through the fertility clinic. Cells in a vial can’t set off my temper like he can.
When the words pop up in my head, I can’t hold them back. I throw them at him like a knife.
“This marriage was a mistake.”
I watch as his face crumples, from confusion to pain. Good. That’s exactly what I wanted. Better this than telling him how I really feel. At least this way, I know exactly how he’ll react. And if I have the power to hurt him, maybe I mean something.
“Ellie, why would you say that? This is exactly what you wanted. What we wanted. You’re pregnant, and while it’s certainly been a rough start so far, that doesn’t mean that the entire pregnancy is going to be this way.”
“No. This isn’t about the pregnancy. It’s about being your wife. It’s stifling. Living in your royal shadow. It’s… it’s too much for me. I can’t go anywhere or do anything without feeling watched. I feel like I’m the child, needing permission, someone always knowing what I’m up to. I can’t live my life like a normal person.”
He opens his mouth, but closes it. It’s the look in his eyes that gets to me. Betrayal. Shock. Pain.
Cedrick did nothing to deserve this from me. He’s been nothing but kind this entire time, and here I am, trying to hurt him. This isn’t right.
As we stare at each other, I wonder if maybe he wouldn’t reject me. Could he feel the same way?
Maybe if I just told him that I’m starting to fall for him, it would all work out. Maybe I’m freaking out over nothing.
But I can’t make myself open my mouth. I can’t take the risk.
A weight settles over me, and I feel exhausted. Drained. I know that some of these emotions are probably from hormones, but I can’t stop them.
I don’t know what to do. And Cedrick doesn’t give me time to figure it out. Instead, he gives me one last look, turns around, and walks out.
Another wave of nausea takes over me, and one thought wraps itself around my brain as I wrap my arms around the trash can.
He doesn’t care.