24. Ellie
Iknock again, looking out at the large circular driveway. No answer. Where is she?
Cedrick and Ishmael are hanging out, so it’s easy for me to talk to Liza alone, which doesn’t always happen.
I look down at my phone. No new messages from Cedrick.
The door opens, and Liza’s standing there, almost ready to burst.
“Oh!” Liza exclaims, gesturing me inside wildly as she stands aside. “Come in!”
“I’m sorry,” I admit. “I would have texted, but…”
But I can’t think of a good reason why I wouldn’t text. There’s a very important lingering question on my mind. And I can’t let Ishmael or Cedrick know what it is.
“Don’t worry about it! I’m just glad to see you.” She reaches out to give me a hug.
I breathe a quiet sigh of relief as she turns away from me, letting me into the foyer of the estate.
“I’m sorry it’s such a mess,” she says, leading the way to a pristinely kept living room. “With Isha being sick. And the house is so new to me, I don’t even know all the ways around it yet…”
I nod, smiling sheepishly. “I understand completely. It’s a lot to get used to.”
“It really is.” She puts her hand on mine as she seats me down on the couch.
“Can I get you anything to drink? Can of soda? Some tea?”
“I’m fine,” I say with a grimace. “I’m not planning on staying long.”
“Oh, no? Just water then, how about?”
I purse my lips together and nod indifferently.
“I’ll get you some water. One sec.”
The events of the past several days have been a whirlwind, it feels nice just to sit for a moment, alone. This is the first reprieve I’ve gotten from the situation since the event at the school. And after that, I haven’t gotten a reprieve from anything, including myself. Especially myself.
Liza emerges from out of the kitchen, her hands full. I make no attempt to hide my confusion.
She’s balancing a glass of water, a mug, and a can of grape soda.
“You didn’t really tell me what you wanted, so I thought I’d get you all three. I’m a little nuts that way.”
I can’t help but laugh, and it’s the first time I’ve let myself out of my funk in days.
She produces three beautiful silver drink coasters, upon which she sets the three beverages.
“Liza,” I try to say, gesturing for her to sit down. “It’s okay. I’m here to see you, not to have a beverage-tasting.”
She laughs, then nods energetically.
“You think I don’t know what’s going on?” Liza asks, an amused expression on her face. “I’ve been pregnant, too. Slow down, relax, for the baby.”
I want to point out that I’ve devoted my entire livelihood to ensuring the health and happiness of mothers and babies. I want to ask how she dares question my medical competence and maternal readiness.
As I look up at her kind face, noting that she’s been nothing but hospitable to me since I became part of the family, I’m faced with a stark realization.
My God. I’ve been completely unreasonable.
So instead of chastising her, I nod graciously.
“You’re right,” I admit. “Thank you.”
And looking at the three choices placed before me, I realize that I’m incredibly thirsty, and I down the glass of ice water.
It’s the most delicious thing I think I’ve ever tasted.
“So, now that you”re hydrated…” She pauses to give me a smile. “What”s on your mind?”
I feel terrible about my irritability with Liza, and I’ve only been here for a few minutes. With Cedrick, it”s been days of up-and-down aggression – nothing passive about it. I’ve been horrible.
“Oh, you know,” I say, taking another sip. “Nothing much. Just needed some company, I guess.”
Internally, I’m screaming at myself. I want to tell her everything, but my fear gets the better of me.
“Well, I’m glad I can provide you some.”
She lifts herself up off the recliner, and moving over to the window, closes the curtains. “Sorry. It was getting a bit bright.”
Something about it reminds me that I’m in a private space. If I can’t trust Liza, who can I trust?
“So, when do you think Ishmael might be coming back?”
She laughs heartily. “I don’t know. Need to talk to him? No, kidding. I was pretty sure Cedrick was the one who invited him out, so you’d know better than I would.”
I chuckle.
I wonder what they’re talking about, and whether Cedrick might be telling Ishmael how crazy I am.
I would want nothing to do with me if I were him.
“This whole thing is extremely confusing,” I blurt out, and Liza looks surprised at the sound of my voice. “I mean, I’m having Cedrick’s baby. And I don’t have a fucking clue where I even stand with him. What are we? What do I mean to him? Am I crazy? Should I be okay with all of this?”
It’s been screaming at me from the inside, and now that it finally escaped, I can’t believe it took me so long. I have no idea whether I sound insane, but I couldn’t go another minute without saying it.
She starts laughing into her hands, at first softly, and then maniacally. Maybe I’m not the only crazy one. She doesn’t say anything through the random fits of laughter, and I don’t know what’s happening.
Maybe she thinks it’s a joke. “Is it funny? I don’t understand.”
But she brings herself to her senses, massaging her temples. “No, no. It’s just that you sound exactly like me.”
I narrow my eyes in disbelief. “You’re kidding, right? You and Ishmael seem like you never had crazy conversations like that. You have an eight-year-old, for God’s sakes.”
“An eight year old who he just met… Oh, two months ago for the first time? After we didn’t see each other for a decade? Yeah, you’re right. Your relationship might be less confusing than ours.”
I keep my lips pursed, thinking she’s joking still. But her face doesn’t break. She’s serious.
“With me and Ishmael, it was really confusing. You know what helped?”
“Hmm? What?”
“Talking about it. With him.”
I sigh. “He probably hates me now. I was horrible to him the last few days.”
“Most things can be forgiven where there’s love. With me and Ishmael, I went away for years without any way to reach me. And he still took me back. You’ve been moody to him for, what, a few days?”
My mind still seizes on the word ‘love.’ As if that’s even possible now. It’s such a huge word.
“Yeah, but we don’t have that history.”
“You don’t?” She looks at me seriously, like a strict school teacher.
“Oh, right. We do.”
She smiles, then begins gesturing a little more calmly. “What does your heart tell you?”
I’m still waiting for every new word that comes out of her mouth like my life depends on it.
“I don’t know. I just wish I knew how…”
She deliberates, fighting with herself. “How… he feels you mean?”
I nod slowly.
I look down at the can of grape soda, and the thought of it entering my stomach nauseates me.
I can barely look at her face. I’m too afraid of what it’ll reveal about Cedrick’s feelings, or lack of them.
“I really shouldn’t…”
“Shouldn’t what?” I pounce on her, ready to strike.
“Well…I don’t want to betray…”
“Sister-in-law code.”
She laughs to herself and sighs. “So, I happen to know the reason why Cedrick is out with Ishmael right now.”
“Because he hates me?”
She laughs even harder. “No. To have the exact same conversation you’re having with me right now.”
I swivel my head back up to her so quickly, I make myself dizzy. “What?”
“If you’d just talk to each other, you’d figure it out quickly. So go talk to each other, please. I can’t be the intermediary.”
I gawk at her. “How do you know that?”
She smiles. “Are you going to drink that soda?”
I shake my head. She picks it up and chugs it. My mind is running so fast, I’m making myself more nauseated.
If he felt the exact same way I did, then I’ve not only been rejecting him, but humiliating him, too. How come he wouldn’t just walk out? Does he feel stuck with me because of the baby?
But if Cedrick were a jerk to me, I can’t imagine not forgiving him. But this much of a jerk? Yeah.
Liza sets the empty can back on the table. “I can get you another one if you want,” she says apologetically.
“It’s fine. My stomach hates it anyway.”
“So, how do you think I know? Ishmael told me. And also, when I see the two of you together…it’s pretty obvious.”
I can feel the smile growing, even as I’m still trying to process it all. Trying and failing.
“So what are you going to do?” Liza asks.
I shake my leg nervously and sit in silence, trying to think. “I’ve been terrible to Cedrick.”
“Sweetheart, you’re pregnant. You have an excuse.”
“No, I don’t.” I shake my head frantically. “This has been worse than just hormones. I’ve been just nasty to him. I need to make it up to him.”
“You might be a little stir crazy maybe. First going to the hospital, then the estate, and being locked up in the palace so often lately.”
Trying to follow her train of thought, I arrive at nothing. “Maybe. But what’s that got to do with anything?”
“Maybe have a little time to yourself in town, buy some things. You could cook him something. It might help you feel like yourself instead of a fairy tale princess, and you can bond like a real couple.”
Where five minutes ago I was trapped in a cage of my own making, now the world is completely open to me.
“Thank you,” I reply. “That might be just the thing.”