Chapter 31
From: [email protected]
Subject: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
DEAR LUKE,
YOU’LL NOTICE I’M WRITING IN ALL CAPS TO CONVEY THE FACT THAT I AM SHOUTING AT YOU. HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEGLECT TO TELL ME YOU SAVED ALDO’S LIFE WHILE PUTTING YOUR OWN AT GREAT RISK? YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO NEED SAVING WHEN YOU GET HOME.
RESPECTFULLY IN ANGER,
HARPER
From: [email protected]
Subject: Puppies and fluffy things
Dear Harper,
Please accept the attached pictures of puppies and kittens as my attempt to distract you from your anger. You can’t be mad at tiny puppies frolicking. It’s against your genetic code.
You’re beautiful when you’re mad,
Luke
From: [email protected]
Re: Puppies and fluffy things
I’ve been hypnotized by fluffiness. I’m feeling much less murderous. Perhaps you would like to take this opportunity to explain why you didn’t feel that I needed to know the details of “the incident?”
Let me give you some examples of ways you could have broached the subject.
Bragging You: So babe, I totally rocked life-saving today and dragged Aldo’s ass out of a firefight after he was partially blown up. What did you do today?
Subtle You: I’d love to video chat with you tonight, but I’m just really worn out. Worn out from carrying my best friend out of a literal battlefield with guns blazing. It really wasn’t a big deal. Tell me more about your crocheting circle.
Normal Human Being You: Aldo was (insert appropriate military terminology here) by an IED. I was able to get to him and get him out under fire, but it was pretty freaking scary. I miss you and think you’re the most beautiful, incredible, kind, smart, funny woman in the universe.
Love,
Harper
From: [email protected]
Re: Puppies and fluffy things
Thank goodness for puppies. Stand by for an official apology.
I, Lucas Charles Norbert Garrison, am solemnly sorry for not delivering pertinent facts to one Harper Lee Sue Ellen Wilde, hereafter known as “hot girlfriend.” The technical and medical term for my mental state was “freaking out,” and I had no idea how to put into words what happened to not freak out hot girlfriend.
The immediacy of the situation required me to put more energy into figuring out whether Aldo Moretta, hereafter known as “Lard Ass When He’s Unconscious,” was alive and going to stay that way than reporting the fuzzy details of the encounter.
However, moving forward, I swear to do a better job of communicating all things, including those of life and death importance, as I’d be really pissed too if you didn’t tell me something like that.
Miss your smile ,
Luke
From: [email protected]
Re: Puppies and fluffy things
Solid apology. I deem this email fight over. Attached please find an olive branch in the form of a picture of my boobs.