Chapter 45
L uke pretended not to see her standing in the doorway and stared blankly at the screen. He just wanted this day to be over.
“Luke, can I talk to you about something? It’s kind of important.”
He glanced in her direction, and she took it as an okay.
“Something happened, and I’m a little worried?—”
He flicked a button on the remote, muting the TV. “I need to talk to you about something, too.”
“Okay. You go first.” She waited where she was.
“This isn’t working,” he said, his tone short.
“What isn’t?”
“You being here. Us.”
She stayed silent, eyes wide.
He stood up, pressed on.
“‘It’s just a night. It’s just a month. We’re just fostering.’ You came here and just took over. You keep thinking if you tell me everything is just temporary that I’ll let it slide. And maybe you were right. But it’s not going to work anymore.”
Harper flinched. “Luke, I’m so sorry. I never intended?—”
“You built an entire life around a relationship that doesn’t exist.”
He saw the shock, the hurt.
“You know it exists. This isn’t something I made up in my head. I love you.”
“I don’t love you.”
She took a step back as if the words physically hurt her.
“We’re done here.” He turned to stalk out of the room, but Harper grabbed his arm.
“Is this because of Karen? I know you blame yourself. But it’s not your fault. ”
“We’re not discussing this. You don’t know.” He tried to shrug her off.
“Luke, I know about the baby.”
He froze under her grip before he rounded on her.
“I let you into my home, into my life, and this is how you repay me? Invading my privacy?” It was boiling over. There was no keeping the lid on it now.
“I’m so sorry, Luke. I’m so sorry that you lost your family. I’m sorry that you feel responsible.” Her gray eyes welled with tears, and he hated himself for it.
“I don’t feel responsible. I am responsible.”
“You can’t live the rest of your life blaming yourself for an accident that had nothing to do with you.”
“She was coming to bring me home.” He turned and paced.
“We were going to tell everyone about the baby. Do you know how that feels? To anticipate the happiest moment of your life, to live for it for weeks only to have it destroyed in front of you. I got off that bus, and she was dying in mangled metal. Our baby died while I walked across that asphalt to where my family should have been. They died because I wasn’t there. They died because I came back.”
The tears were coursing down her cheeks now. He looked at her with her sunny golden hair, her angel face.
She wasn’t for him. No one was. He had had his chance and blew it.
“You’re only here because she’s gone.” He whispered the words, which somehow made them sharper. “And you can’t take her place. Not with Joni and not with me.”
She nodded slowly. “I know that. I’m not trying to do that.”
“You shouldn’t be here. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this, Harper. I need you to go.”
She stood there, watching him. Hope and hurt in her eyes. “I can’t look at you without wishing she was here.”
The hope died.
She dropped her gaze to her feet. “I’ll pack a bag and come back for the rest of my things later.”
He didn’t say a word as she left the living room, just held on to the doorframe for dear life.
“I’m the one who shouldn’t be here,” he whispered to the dark.
Upstairs Harper did what she had done dozens of times before. She packed a bag.
Numbness had swallowed her, and she was grateful. She knew when the pain broke through it would be too much to bear. Keep moving. Don’t think. Just get it done. Get somewhere safe and then… and then.
She tucked some toiletries and makeup into a small zippered bag and hastily packed a few outfits and her running shoes. She grabbed her phone charger from the nightstand.
Lola and Max followed her every move. Lola watched with those soulful sad eyes while Max scampered and whimpered. They knew something was wrong.
She knelt down to bury her face in Lola’s short fur.
“I love you guys so much. Thank you for being my family. I have to go, but I need you to take care of Daddy. He needs you right now. So take care of him the way you took care of me when he wasn’t around.
Okay? I promise I’ll figure something out. I’ll come back and see you.”
Lola sighed, and Max put his front paws on her leg and yipped.
Harper did her best to swallow the lump in her throat.
He watched her with the dogs from the doorway, and his stomach twisted. He was throwing her out, ending things. While he was taking back his life, she was still worried about taking care of him.
He wasn’t good for her, and she had to learn that.
Harper Wilde had to learn to take care of herself. He swiped a hand over his face. God, who was going to be there to keep her safe, to remind her to charge her phone or get gas or lock the doors at night?
She was a smart, sweet, beautiful girl. She wouldn’t be alone for long.
For just a second, he let himself think about her with another man. His hands fisted at his sides. She would be loved. She would be taken care of. It was what she deserved.
Harper glanced up from her packing, and noticing him in the doorway, she swiped away the tears. She didn’t make eye contact, just zipped her bag closed and slung it over her shoulder.
She gave the dogs a last scratch. He saw the tremble in her jaw and watched with admiration as she pulled it back in, tamped it down. His free-spirited girl had a spine of steel.
“Here,” he said, holding out her phone. “I didn’t want you to forget it.”
Wordlessly, she took it and slid it in her back pocket. She still hadn’t raised her gaze to meet his. He was almost grateful. Looking into those storm cloud gray eyes might undo him.
“I want you to take this, too.” He held out a roll of cash.
She ignored him and pushed past him into the hallway. He followed her down the stairs. “Harper, take the money. I don’t want to worry about you sleeping in your car or?—”
She rounded on him at the foot of the stairs. Their eyes met, and in that second, he realized for the first time that he had no idea what was going on in her head. She had shut it down, cut him off.
It cut him to the quick.
But this was the right thing to do. He chanted it in his head. Just get through it. Like ripping off a bandage. A little pain now instead of the years of suffering he would cause her by not being the man she deserved .
“Please. Take it.” He tried to tuck it into her hand, but she let the bills fall to the floor.
“I’m no longer your concern,” she said flatly. She looked him in the eye, into his very heart, and turned and walked out the front door, closing it softly behind her.
Luke watched her toss her bag in her backseat and climb behind the wheel. She never looked back at the house. Just backed out and drove away.
He walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, expecting to feel relief. But there was only a gnawing emptiness.
Where was she going to go?
Why hadn’t he waited until morning? He could have helped her find a place, taken her somewhere. Now, thanks to him, she was roaming around at night.
He stood up and started pacing.
Everything that his gaze rested on was connected to her. The furniture. The glossy magazines and paperbacks under the coffee table. The raspberry pink fleece hanging next to the front door. Had she even taken a coat with her?
He pulled the fleece off the hook and brought it to his face. It smelled like her. Sunshine and lemons.
He didn’t feel relief. He felt sick.
Maybe he should pack her things for her. So every damn thing in his house didn’t remind him of her.
Luke woke up on the couch to the early gray dawn. Both dogs were snuggled against him. He was still clutching Harper’s fleece to his chest.
He had finally dozed off barely two hours earlier after carefully packing her things into the boxes neatly stacked in the dining room. Each one labeled “Harper” and a description of the contents in permanent marker.
After months here, she still hadn’t managed to accumulate more than a dozen boxes of things. He would give her the furniture when she settled wherever she was going and most of the kitchen stuff that had appeared in drawers and cabinets while she was here.
He glanced down at the coffee table and saw the picture. Harper and her parents. She had left it behind, tucked in a box in the closet. He’d keep it safe for her until she was somewhere she could call home.
Luke rubbed a hand across his chest. The hollow was still there. His life was once again his own. He was free to focus on his plan. His goal. Didn’t have to worry about anyone else.
So why did he feel like he was suffocating?
He went into the kitchen to grab some coffee, but the pot was empty.
The quiet was too much. He whistled for the dogs and let them out the back door.
The ache would go away, he told himself as he watched Max chase Lola around the garden that hadn’t been there when he left.