Not Ready To Make Nice
Keaton | The Past
The bell could ring a thousand times, and I’d still know when Charlie walks in. My palms sweat, my heart sprints, and sparks skitter across my skin. But the real sign is the way something inside me coils tight, as if my soul itself senses her significance.
I lift my head from the article Mom sent and drink in every detail as she approaches. Despite the pain I’ve caused, Charlie still radiates warmth, making others feel seen. I love that about her, and I’m grateful I haven’t managed to break that light inside her.
I stand as Charlie and Amelia approach, waiting for them to sit before passing their drinks.
The smiles that once belonged to me are gone, just another casualty in the wreckage I’ve made of my life.
Charlie grabs her phone, fiddles with the screen, and then sets it on the table.
I glance down and catch the timer ticking away. When I look back up, her blank stare hits me like a slap.
I’d expect that emptiness from Amelia, not Char. Mom warned me my betrayal would change her, and now I see it—the pain she can’t hide, the shadows under her eyes, her sharper face. Visible scars are just the start. The unseen ones are what truly scare me.
"Are you going to sit here and stare at me, or are you going to get to the reason you asked to meet me? Your time is running out."
"I'm going to do both," I answer quietly, taking a sip of my coffee and leaning back in the seat.
"I promised I would let you know when I got the results of my test." I drop my eyes to the spot that I'm picking at with my fingers because I'm unable to look her in the eye when I tell her. "I have Chlamydia."
Charlie's hand smacks the table, and my eyes jerk up to clash with hers. "You don't get to look away from me when you give the results to me. Man the fuck up, Keaton, and look me in the eye when you tell me. It's the least of what you owe me."
I nod, straightening in my seat and pulling my shoulders tight. My fingers squeeze around my cup as I fight the need to look away. "I have Chlamydia."
This is why I dreaded meeting her gaze—the pain flooding her eyes. I’m a coward, unable to face the truth that I’ve wounded someone with a soul as beautiful as hers.
"I'm sorry, Charlie," I whisper with burning cheeks.
"What are you sorry for, Keaton? Dating someone else while with me? Fucking someone else while with me? Catching a damn sexually transmitted disease? Which part are you sorry for?"
"All of it. But Char, I swear to you, I wasn't dating her. Not intentionally. I would have never done that to you. If I were conscious of what was happening, I would have walked away. I swear to you, I would have walked away, baby," I implore, wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch her.
Her shaky laugh and the disbelief in her eyes wrap around my heart and squeeze until it aches.
"You walked away, Keaton. But then you went back to her as soon as you could, so pardon me for not believing a damn word out of your mouth.
For some reason, you can't stay away from her, and I'm not dealing with it anymore.
Especially after you've fucked her. I warned you so many times. Shoot, everybody warned you about her, but you ignored us or brushed them off. You wanted her, so you didn’t give a shit about what anyone had to say about her, including your fucking long-term girlfriend.
Somewhere inside, you knew exactly what you were doing, even if you tried to tell yourself something different. Tell me something, Carr."
"Yes, anything."
"Was it worth it? Was she worth it? The time that you spent with her, the relationship you had with her, the feelings you had for her...were they worth losing me and our relationship? Did you get out of it whatever you were missing from me?"
Knowing she even questions us hurts more than I can explain. My actions made her doubt everything she believed about us—about my love for her. That’s what I destroyed.
"No," I answer quietly, holding eye contact with her, hoping she can read the truth in mine. "She will never be worth what I lost."
My phone buzzes with a text, and I notice it’s face down. I can’t remember when I started doing that, or why. I never had anything to hide from Charlie, but maybe I just wanted to spare her the discomfort of seeing Rianna’s name light up my screen.
After all, I wasn't doing anything wrong. At least that's what I was always telling myself. I was just a boyfriend trying to protect his girlfriend's feelings.
Fuck, I sound like a selfish fucking asshole.
Turns out, the only thing I was protecting was my own fragile ego.
It's a message from the therapist's office confirming my appointment for next week. I reply with 'C' to confirm, then set it face up. Charlie's eyes drop to it, and I can tell she's reading over the message when her eyes widen a fraction.
"When I promised you I'd fix this, Charlie, I truly meant it. That means doing whatever I need to fix this. I came up with a list to get me started, and therapy was number one. I can't give you answers if I don't know them, and I'm still struggling to figure out my reasons," I admit quietly.
Not wanting to keep anything from her anymore, I pull up the messages Rianna sent earlier and turn my phone toward her. "She messaged me earlier."
Charlie slowly reaches out and grabs the phone, her teeth nibbling on her bottom lip like she's not sure if it's something she really wants to do. "Why are you showing me these now?"
"Because I'm not keeping anything from you anymore. I know we're not together and I don't blame you for that, but I'm still going to be open and honest with you."
Her eyes roam my face, looking for any hint of deception, but I have nothing else to hide, so I keep myself open to her search.
"It won't help, Keaton. It's too late," she says quietly. "I needed this from you before you cheated on me."
I reach out to touch her hand, but my brain kicks in before I close the distance.
Grinding my teeth, I squeeze it into a fist and rest it on the table between us.
"You'll eventually tire of me saying it, but I'm sorry, Char.
For you, it may be too late, but you'll always be my heart, and I won't ever give up on that.
So, even if it is too late, I won't stop doing what I need to do to fix what's broken.
It's not just for you, though. I've got to do this for myself because I don't like the person I am right now.
For the first time in all of my twenty-two years, I can't look myself in the mirror because when I do, all I see is the guy that broke your heart and destroyed our love. "
Charlie has always worn her heart on her sleeve with me.
After she caught me with Rianna, she shut me out, and I hated it, even knowing I deserved it.
Now, seeing her let me witness her pain, raw and unguarded, strips me bare until I feel like nothing but a bleeding skeleton with a heart that still beats only for her.
She says nothing about what I've said, just nods and drops her eyes to the phone she's holding tightly in her hand.
Amelia rests her head on Charlie’s shoulder, reading with her. I lean back, memorizing every detail of Charlie, desperate to store up enough of her to last me through the cold, empty nights ahead.
I watch their bodies stiffen, and I know they got to the part where she admitted to giving me Chlamydia on purpose.
Their anger almost comforts me, but I know that the consequences are mine to face alone.
"Dude. This bitch is fucking psychotic. Straight up. She admits to doing it on purpose," Amelia exclaims, forgetting in the heat of the moment that she's pissed off at me, too.
"Yeah," I agree.
Charlie’s lips part, and I know she wants to defend me out of habit, but this time she stays silent. She hands the phone back, careful not to let our fingers brush.
"I'm glad you're getting treatment and that you've finally been smart and blocked her. I want to say that I'm sorry you've been subjected to someone like her, but I just don't have it in me to be polite Charlie, right now."
She shoves on Amelia's shoulder to get her scoot out of the way, and I don't miss the glassy sheen to her eyes.
"Hey, Charlie," I say softly, halting her progress.
"Is there anything specific you want me to work on in therapy?
I'm already doing no contact, and I'm reading any articles I come across that deal with infidelity.
I've got a journal to detail everything so I can try to figure this out, and I'm staying open and honest with you.
But is there anything you need to see from me now? "
Charlie shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I can't do this with you. Not right now. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready because even though I know it's real, this talk just makes it even more real."
I lean my forearms on the table, getting as close to her as I'm allowed. "I know it's fucking selfish of me to ask, but do you think you'd be up to doing couples counseling with me? It doesn't have to be at any of my next appointments, but maybe soon?"
"You’re right, it is selfish of you to even think about asking.
What's the point, Carr? We're split up, so I'm not sure what it would do now.
I just told you I'm not ready to talk about it with you, why would you assume I'd be ready to talk to anyone else about it?
" she says, making Amelia climb to her feet so she can scoot out of the booth.
"I understand. Would you maybe think about it?"
Charlie shakes her head no before squeezing Amelia's arm and murmuring something to her before walking off.