Chapter 16 Embracing The Petty
Embracing The Petty
Charlie | The Past
For the past two months, healing has guided my choices. I refused to be the girl sobbing in the bathtub again and committed to never letting myself fall so low.
Some days, hope feels distant. On those days, anger and pain overwhelm me, so I rely on my therapist’s advice and look for ways to release my emotions.
Normally, I pour them into my journal. My well-worn notebook is basically one big letter to Keaton. Rebecca, my therapist, says I can eventually choose to give it to him, or I can burn it and allow the wind to carry the ashes away, taking all the negative emotions with them.
When journaling fails me, Amelia whisks me off to a rage room where I can shatter things to pieces.
Sometimes, as I swing the bat, I picture Keaton’s face.
Other times, it’s Rianna’s. Amelia even tapes their photos to random objects, turning it into a twisted game of hide and seek, adulterous rage edition.
My fiercest swings are always reserved for the ones where she’s merged their faces together.
It stings, but in a strange way, it soothes me too.
Channeling my rage like this keeps me out of jail, and let’s be real, orange would never suit me.
Work is my other lifeline. I’ve sent out applications to jobs that might actually use my business degree, but until I hear back, I’m staying put.
Grinders has become my second home. Since graduation two weeks ago, the coffee shop’s been a whirlwind, leaving me no time to brood over the betrayal that’s hijacked my life.
Smiling, I pass the customer their coffee and wish them a great day before moving on to the next order.
Graduation tasted bittersweet. I was supposed to cross that stage with Amelia and Keaton by my side. We’d planned it since day one of college, dreaming of building a business together. But like everything else, those dreams shattered the moment Keaton betrayed me.
I want to hate him for what he did, but the feeling just won’t come. Not that I like him right now. Most days, I wish I could hate him, especially since that pool house memory haunted my dreams for weeks. Now, it only visits once or twice a week instead of every night.
Maybe it’s because I know Keaton’s trying to fix himself.
I haven’t spoken to him since he told me about his progress, but I still know what’s happening in his world.
Two weeks after his first counseling session, his letter arrived.
It took days to work up the nerve to open it, but curiosity won.
With a bottle of whiskey courtesy of Amelia, I locked myself in the bathroom and finally read it.
"Have a good day," I murmur to a customer, handing them their coffee and muffin before letting my mind wander to his first letter again.
Charlie,
Wow. So, this is pretty weird. I'm used to talking to you while staring at your beautiful face, and now, because of my stupidity, this is the only option I'm left with.
I told Lionel, that's my therapist, about your request that I leave you alone.
He said it was reasonable and suggested that I follow it.
Then he recommended writing you letters.
Something about the wire between the pen and the brain and the truthful flow of words.
Don't know shit about that, but figured why the hell not?
What else do I have to lose? Nothing important because I already lost that.
Honestly, I wasn't sure if I was going to give this to you. I wrote it as an exercise to help get my thoughts and feelings in order.
You know what changed my mind?
I saw you.
You were laughing with Amelia in the courtyard, but she had to run and do something.
I can't read lips, so I don't know what you said, but since you stayed behind, I'm assuming you told her to go on.
As soon as she was gone, the laughter dropped from your face, and you stared blankly at nothing.
I didn't need to be beside you to know you needed to be alone because you couldn't fake it anymore.
You didn't have to be on for someone right then, so I had to bear witness to the stark pain that covered the beautiful face I love so much.
Pain I put there. Losing you was bad, butterfly, but seeing that, knowing you were trying so hard to show everyone you were okay.
..I don't think anything could have torn me up so completely.
I'll admit. When I first went to Lionel, I was working on shit, but I don't think I was working as hard as I should have. If I did, then I'd have to face what I did to you, and I was scared to do that. I was scared to find out what that said about me.
You know what I realized that day I watched you?
That it's not about me. Don't take that the wrong way, silly girl, and I'll try to explain what I mean.
It's not about me because it's about YOU.
I'm not sure if I'll ever have a chance with you again, but I knew that if I wanted any shot at it happening, I was going to have to bust my ass, no matter how scared I was or what I would find out about myself.
Let me tell you, Char. It's only been two weeks, and I'm already not liking what I'm learning.
I'm thankful Lionel has agreed to see me twice a week because I'm going to need it.
My head became completely fucked up somewhere along the way, and I need to know where and why.
How the hell did you put up with my bullshit for so long?
I wouldn't have blamed you if you left me after I started being friends with her again.
I'm also learning I'm extremely fucking selfish. Especially when it comes to you, because I'm glad you didn't leave. It gave me another year with you.
See? Fucking selfish.
Anyway, I don't want to overwhelm you too much with this first letter. I just wanted to let you know I'm working on it, sweet girl.
I hope this is okay. If it's not, just send me a text with a single "stop" and I'll keep them to myself. Or you can have Amelia tell me. We both know that girl would love another chance to go at me.
I love you, Charlie. If you believe nothing else right now, please believe that.
Forever yours (even if you are no longer mine),
Keaton
I never told him to stop. Maybe I should have, since most people would call this a weakness. But I’ve never cared about other people’s opinions, and I’ve never let anyone dictate my choices.
When his first letter arrived, my hands shook as I debated opening it. I’d only just started therapy a week before, barely scratching the surface of what happened with Keaton. But curiosity won out. I needed to know every reason he could give for breaking my heart so brutally.
After reading that first letter, I shut down.
I know Keaton meant well, and his sincerity practically jumped off the page, begging me to believe him.
But words are just that—words. They sting, but they’re empty without action.
Keaton might be on the right path, but he’s done too much damage for me to just take his word for it.
I need to see real change before I believe anything he says, and I refuse to put my life on hold while I wait for him to figure it out.
Alek keeps asking me out, every chance he gets, but I’ve never been ready, no matter how much I wish I could be.
He never takes it personally, which I appreciate, because he’s become a real friend since that day in the mess hall.
He’s seen me at my lowest and helped Amelia pick up the pieces.
The first time I laughed again was when he told us about a hookup gone wrong.
Something about a girl choking on his dick and then puking all over him, which made him puke too because he can’t handle it.
I wasn’t laughing at her, but at the look of pure horror on his face, like he was about to cry.
For a guy as tough as Alek, that was his kryptonite. Ridiculous, but so perfectly him.
Later, he told me quietly that it was good to hear me laugh again.
Then, true to form, he asked me out one more time.
I turned him down with a smile and an eye roll.
Sure, he’s attractive and there’s chemistry, but he’s Granite Bay’s biggest playboy.
After being cheated on by the person I loved most, there’s no way I’d risk my heart with someone who has a new girl every night.
Maybe it’s not fair, but my trust isn’t what it used to be.
Thanks a lot, Keaton.
If anything ever happened between us, it would only be casual.
A friends-with-benefits kind of thing. That’s all I have to offer anyone, and even that feels impossible, because just the thought of being with someone besides Keaton sends icy panic crawling up my spine.
Honestly, I doubt Alek would mind something casual.
I suspect he’s got feelings for someone else anyway, but I haven’t tried to figure out who.
Digging into his secrets would just be another way to avoid facing my own.
I promise myself that once I’ve healed a bit more, I’ll start looking for answers.
The bell above the door jingles, and I turn with a practiced smile until I see who just walked in. My smile vanishes instantly.
Tell me she didn't. Tell me this bitch did not show up at my place of employment.
"What are you doing here?" I snarl.
"Now, now, Charlie. Is that any way to talk to a customer? Maybe I should speak to your manager. Wouldn't it be lovely if I took your job like I did your boyfriend?"
I let out a disbelieving laugh and shake my head. The audacity of this bitch. "You’re a real piece of work."
Lola, one of my employees, walks up beside me, and her pert little nose crinkles like she's smelled something nasty. "Need me to take this one?"
Everyone in Granite Bay knows Rianna’s reputation for wrecking homes, and now I’m just another name on her list of casualties.
"Oh, no. I can handle her. You head on home. I'm closing up tonight."