Chapter 38 Bitter Pills to Swallow
Bitter Pills to Swallow
Keaton
When I walked into Grinders to ask Charlie out to dinner, I never imagined she’d look me in the eye and ask me to disappear from her life.
Looking back, I see now that was my selfish grip on her. When she broke down again in front of me, I finally realized my fear of losing her, my desperate need to cling to any piece of her, was only keeping her wounds open. She never had space to heal with me haunting the edges of her life.
Only then did it hit me that I wasn’t the only one bleeding. I had my own mess to clean up, too.
Knowing it might be the last time I’d ever see her, I pressed a kiss to her forehead, whispered my apology, and walked away.
For six months, I’ve avoided everywhere she might go. Inkubus, my parents’ house, and my own four walls have become sanctuaries. Surprisingly, it’s been more peaceful than expected. Before last year, staying home every night felt like a punishment. Now, it’s relief.
I want to believe this is growth, but some days, I can’t see it in myself at all.
Navigating friendships in Charlie’s circle has been a learning curve. I used to ache to ask about her, but I know she wouldn’t want that. Now, it’s easier. We’ve silently agreed on the topics that are off-limits, at least until someone says otherwise.
It stings every time I reach for my phone, ready to tell Charlie about my day, only to remember I can’t.
My notes app is full of unsent messages, each one waiting for the day I find the courage to hit send.
The moment I left Grinders, I booked the soonest appointment with Lionel. I was spiraling, drowning in self-loathing, scared of what I might do. Aside from the night I fucked up and cheated on Charlie, I’d never felt so low. Luckily, Lionel had a slot open the next morning.
It took weeks and several sessions with Lionel before I realized just how much baggage I was still carrying.
My relationship with Charlie.
My so-called friendship with Rianna, and how I let myself get so tangled up that it became more than just a physical affair, it turned into an emotional one, too.
Swallowing that truth was fucking brutal, even after Lionel helped me see it months ago. Accepting that part of myself has been the hardest, because I never thought I felt more than attraction and friendship for Rianna.
Charlie was my person from day one. She was everything I wanted, everything I saw.
But then college happened, and I met Rianna.
Suddenly, things shifted between me and Charlie.
Now I see it was me who changed, and not for the better.
Rianna was new, intriguing, and I was just a stupid boy who got lazy.
Instead of cherishing what I had, I started looking for something I didn’t.
It’s strange, though. When Charlie was with me, Rianna barely crossed my mind. She only existed in my thoughts when she was standing right there.
Then one night, Charlie broke down and told me she saw right through me.
She knew I was attracted to Rianna and that our friendship was dangerous.
I wanted to dismiss her fears, call them ridiculous, but the pain in her eyes made me stop.
Her feelings mattered, no matter what I thought.
I hated that I couldn’t deny my attraction, and it only made her hurt more.
Charlie was always supposed to be my forever, my endgame. I was losing sight of that, so I finally did what I should have done from the beginning. I ended things with Rianna.
I had no idea Rianna wouldn’t let go so easily. She was determined to claw her way back into my life, no matter what.
Fuck, I was so damn stupid.
That’s when her true colors started to show, though I stayed blind for far too long. Everyone else saw it and tried to warn me, but I was too dazzled by the newness to listen.
I swore to Charlie I wasn’t attracted to Rianna anymore. Would’ve staked my life on it. Truth is, I just buried it so deep I couldn’t even see it myself.
Until the pool party.
Before the pool party, I started distancing myself from Rianna because her touchiness made me uneasy.
But she knew how to push my insecurities, planting doubts about me and Charlie.
What if we weren’t meant for each other?
Childhood sweethearts rarely last. The more she poked at me, the more my hidden doubts surfaced.
It’s my fault, I know that. I gave her every opening she needed, and while I can blame her for a lot, I can’t blame her for taking advantage of the opportunity I laid at her feet.
Everything that happened with Rianna began—and should have ended—with me.
Hindsight really is twenty-twenty.
When I cried to Lionel about the no-contact order, he calmly asked me, “Keaton, do you want Charlie to heal?”
It shocked me that he even needed to ask because it’s been the only thing I ever spoke about when I was lying back on his couch. I nodded and exclaimed, “Of course.”
That’s when Lionel broke it to me straight.
Going through no contact will be crucial to Charlie’s healing process.
Since that was the one thing I wanted most in this world, I abided by the boundary Charlie put in place.
By my fourth visit to Lionel after the no-contact order, he could see I was struggling hard with it. At the end of the session, he passed me a piece of paper with a website on it and told me to check it out. It turned out to be an online forum for partners who’ve cheated.
I spent the longest time staying in the background.
I’d make comments here and there when I felt what I had to say would have an impact.
The stories I’ve read on the forum… they were sad, full of remorse and self-loathing.
Most of them resonated with me so much, and I’d have to look at my reflection to see the man I’d become.
With the six-month mark approaching, I wasn’t sure whether I should reach out. Last week, I finally posted my story on the forum and asked for advice.
These people have done the same thing as I have. Some worse, some not to the extent as me, but the majority of them are all in varying stages of reconciliation.
Some comments were harder to swallow, especially those from betrayed partners.
You could hear the pain in their words, and they were hard to read because I kept picturing Charlie on the other side of them.
The comments that really got me were those from betrayed partners, telling me they’re proud of how far I’ve come in a year.
Charlie had been the only person to tell me that. Not even my parents have said it.
One of the forum's longtime members recommended that I reach out to her, but to accept whatever answer—or no answer—that she gives.
When I finally typed out the message to her, my hands shook uncontrollably. But once I hit send, the weight on my shoulders eased a little.
I’m not sure why I suggested we meet as strangers, like we did at the bar months ago. It just felt right, so I went with it.
When she said yes, excitement and humility tangled inside me. I didn’t care that she wanted to take things slow.
I’ll take anything that lets her stay in my life.
Even if all I get is friendship.
Honestly, you can never have too many friends.
That’s how my friendship with Brock started to grow. We were close before I went no contact with Charlie, but after, we really leaned on each other through the mess. We’re both fighting for redemption with the women we love, and we’re not holding back.
Lionel told us that if our remorse is real, we’ll hold each other accountable and help each other, no matter where our paths lead.
A sharp, angry voice snaps me out of my thoughts. I look up from my client, instantly recognizing it.
Fucking Rune.
He finally confessed to me not long after I caught him tattooing his ex, Deyanira. Learning what he did—and where—made my blood boil.
There must be something in the fucking water around here that turns men into idiots.
Jaw clenched, I stand up and peel off my gloves. “Give me a second. Take a quick break,” I tell my client.
Rune is still raging at his station, throwing things and cursing under his breath.
I know there’s only one way to get through to him.
I stride over, grab him by the back of his shirt, and clamp my hand around his throat.
I shove him into the divider and get right in his face.
“Get your shit together or get the fuck out of our shop. You’re making a damn fool of yourself and scaring customers. I’ve had enough of this bullshit.”
The fight leaves him. His throat works under my grip as he tries to swallow.
I let him go and turn to Bear, who’s leaning against the wall, smirking at the scene. I raise an eyebrow. “You planning to fuck things up with your lady, too?”
Bear snorts and laughs, shaking his head. “Hell no. I worship my wife. You guys are just dumb fucks.”
I hope he’s right, but the men in this shop have a talent for screwing things up with the women they love.
Fuck.
Maybe I really should have the water tested around here.