Chapter 42 Healing Tears and Putting on Labels
Healing Tears and Putting on Labels
Keaton
Charlie and I sink into the couch, our eyes following Jinx as she darts after her favorite toy.
Charlie’s nervous habit surfaces. Her finger traces her bottom lip, a silent signal that something heavy is weighing on her.
I sense her gathering courage, so I stay open and patient, letting her know I’m here for whatever she needs.
But nothing prepares me for what she does next. In one fluid motion, she swings her leg over mine and settles into my lap. For a moment, I’m stunned, frozen beneath the sudden warmth of her body. My hands find her waist, gentle and tentative, as I hold her gaze.
“What’s on your mind, beautiful?”
A bead of sweat forms on my lip as I battle my body’s raw response. She deserves more than just my hunger. I refuse to let her think I’m focused on anything but her needs. Still, it’s been ages since I’ve held her this close, and the ache is almost unbearable.
Charlie’s gaze burns into me as she lets her full weight settle against my body. She stays perfectly still, her eyes locked on mine, the air between us thick with unspoken words.
The longer our eyes meet, the more the tension coils between us. The air grows heavy, thick with a heat that begs to be fed. Every point where our skin meets crackles, daring us to give in to the fire smoldering between us.
But not yet.
That’s one step we’re not ready to take.
I offer her a gentle smile and reach up, brushing stray hair from her eyes. My fingers trace their outline, then drift down the bridge of her nose to her lips. I’ve always been captivated by how full they are—made for kissing, impossibly tempting.
I move in slowly, giving her every chance to pull away. When she stays, I press my lips softly to hers. We break apart, then find each other again, and again, until the heat between us boils over and Charlie claims my mouth with hers, urgent and hungry.
I lose myself in her taste, my heart pounding so hard it leaves me dizzy, every sense consumed by her.
Or maybe it’s just the taste of Charlie.
Moments later, a chill slices through me as I feel wetness on my cheeks. I pull back to find Charlie’s face shining with tears, her pain spilling silently between us.
My own vision blurs as I witness her pain. I press my lips gently to her cheeks, tasting the salt of her tears, letting her sorrow seep into me.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I whisper in a chant as I fill my veins with her pain.
Charlie shakes her head and blows out a watery breath. “Just give me a minute.”
I go to pull away, but Charlie shakes her head and tightens her hold on me.
“No. Don’t go anywhere. Just hold me and give me a chance to breathe.”
“Whatever you need,” I whisper, wrapping my arms tighter around her when she buries her head in my chest.
Time crawls as we hold onto each other, both of us feeling the weight of everything unspoken. I understand now how easily wounds can open, and how hard it is to heal them.
Shame twists in my stomach, remorse tightening around my throat.
I hate that I’ve scattered landmines in her path, each one a risk of detonating something we might never recover from.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I whisper.
“No, but it’s the only way we’re going to fully move past this.” Charlie kisses my chest before she leans back so she can look at me. “Earlier, with the simple kisses, I didn’t have time to get inside my head.”
“And then this kiss wasn’t so simple,” I add softly, seeing where she’s going with this.
Charlie nods and gives me a sad half-smile. “And then it wasn’t so simple. As much as I wanted to focus on you and the way you made me feel, my brain wouldn’t shut up. It wouldn’t stop questioning.”
She lowers her chin, eyes fixed on my shirt as she fidgets with imaginary lint, searching for comfort in the smallest distraction.
I reach out and tuck a finger under her chin to lift it so I can see her beautiful face. “Don’t hide from me, please.”
“I just…” She blows out a breath. “In the grand scheme of things, it really shouldn’t matter, but…”
She pauses again to chew on her bottom lip, and I use my thumb to pull it from between her teeth.
A silent question flickers in her eyes, burning with the weight of what she can’t quite say.
“I never kissed her,” I murmur, my thumb drifting along her bruised lip, soothing the mark she left behind. “To most people, it may not matter, not after everything else that happened, but it’s okay that it does to you, Charlie.”
Her doubt guts me, and I know I’m the reason for it. That knowledge doesn’t dull the sting, just sharpens it.
I push my own pain aside, determined to focus on hers. My wounds can wait. Right now, she needs me more.
Cradling her face in my hands, I hold her steady. The gesture leaves us exposed, but I need her to see the truth in my eyes.
“I never kissed her, Charlie.”
“Did you think about?”
“No. Never.”
Her next question knocks the air from my lungs, a wave of cold sweeping through me.
“But you thought about having sex with her before you did it. It might have only been once, but you did, didn’t you? You wouldn’t have had sex with her otherwise, Keaton.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and let my hands drop, suddenly unworthy of her touch. I’ve dreaded this moment, the part of my betrayal I can barely forgive myself for.
A gasp escapes as Charlie’s warm palm finds my cheek. My tear-filled eyes fly open, meeting hers, shining and raw.
“Don’t hide from me, please,” she repeats my words back to me. “I know this is hard on both of us, but it’s time to get it out.”
“Harder for you.”
Charlie shakes her head. “Don’t do that.
Don’t downplay your feelings as if they’re not as important as mine.
I did that to you in the beginning, and it wasn’t fair.
It’s what I needed to do to get where I am today, though, so I’m not going to apologize for that, okay?
I couldn’t focus on you and your feelings until I was in a safe headspace.
Look, Keaton. The last thing I ever want to do is bring up things I’d rather forget.
Unfortunately, if we want to come out the other side of this stronger, we have to. ”
This time, I shake my head, a tear slipping down my cheek. “You deserve better than me.”
“Why don’t you let me decide what I deserve, yeah?”
I lean my head back against the couch, my hands resting on her thighs. I meet her gaze and confess the last secret that’s haunted me.
“There was one time I did. It was in the beginning, and it was a fleeting thought, but those still count. It made me sick when I realized it, and I shoved the thought so far down inside of me that I went into deep denial about it. Lionel helped me come to terms with that, but I don’t believe I ever will fully. ”
My heart twists at the pain blazing in her eyes. Her shoulders tremble with sobs, and I pull her close, holding her as tightly as I can. Our shared grief over what we lost pours out in tears, each one washing away a little more of the agony, making room for hope and healing.
At last, she pulls away, and I wipe at my tears. “It’s been hard to accept that part of myself. That even for a moment, I could think that way about someone who wasn’t you.”
“Believe me,” Charlie says with a slightly bitter laugh. “It’s not been easy for me to accept either.”
“I’m sorry, beautiful.”
“I know you are, Keaton. I truly do.”
“Will you ever be able to truly forgive me, Charlie?” I ask, suddenly so fucking terrified that I choke on it.
Charlie doesn’t answer for the longest time. Her eyes roam over me, weighted thoughts behind them. She closes her lids, and I watch as peace blossoms across her face.
“I forgive you, Keaton, but it won’t be that easy. I don’t trust you.”
“Knowing you forgive me is enough for now. I won’t stop working to rebuild the trust I broke.”
“I hope so, because it’s going to be hard for this reconciliation if you don’t,” Charlie informs me with a gentle smile.
“For real?” I choke out, fucking crying again.
Charlie leans forward and rests her head against mine as she whispers, “For real.”
“Thank you.” I grasp her face and nuzzle it, gliding my lips over her forehead. “Thank you.” Her eyes close as my lips cross them. “Thank you.” Down her nose. “Thank you.” Then I reach her lips and caress them with mine. “I’ll do my best to not make you regret it.”
“I won’t regret giving this version of you a chance, regardless of what happens between us.”
I still can’t believe I’ve been given a second chance with the love of my life.
I’m determined not to waste it. The pain I caused will haunt me forever, a constant reminder of what happens when love is neglected.
It’s a warning about how frighteningly easy it is to become someone you don’t recognize.
I used to think, like everyone else, that it could never be me. I loved her too much. I was wrong.
Until it happened.
I’ll never say it couldn’t be me again. Now I know just how easily it can happen.
Love is enough if you keep feeding it. Let it starve, and it withers away.
The scars Charlie and I carry are proof of what happens when love is left untended.