Pretty Broken Promises

Chapter 1

There’ssomething about sitting in the rain that helps me think. I can no longer do it from my favorite spot on Queen Anne’s Hill, since I’m supposed to be dead and all, but the view from Benji’s balcony more than makes up for it.

I love how rain can make everything new. It washes away the grime from yesterday and lets the world start fresh. I want that; to have the filth coating my soul washed away. I’m not sure it could rain enough to do that though, not even in Seattle.

With my knees pulled up to my chest, I let the rain soak me completely. This high up the wind has a bite to it, but the chill reminds me I’m alive. Sometimes I wonder if this is all some kind of weird purgatory and I actually did die that night in Ford’s warehouse. I’m at peace, but it doesn’t feel like I’m really living. More like I’m going through the motions, and letting others guide my way.

“Figures I’d find you out here.”

I turn around and see my best friend Tracy standing in the doorway of the open sliding glass door. It’s not the first time she’s found me sitting in the rain, hell it’s not even the third.

As I turn around again to look out at the city she keeps talking. “You know you could watch the rain without actually sitting in it.”

She pats the doorframe. “There are these great floor to ceiling windows that show off the whole city.”

I shrug. “It’s not the same as feeling it.”

“Right, because inside you’d be warm and dry. Outside you’re shivering and your lips are turning blue. It’s time to stop torturing yourself, and allow yourself to move on. The old Tessa is dead, let your regrets die with her. You get to be whoever you want to be now.”

She sits down next to me, and peels my soaking wet hair away from my face. “Ford is easy to fall for, but he’s hard to love. Yet, still you did, and he punished you for two years because of a decision you made at eighteen, to protect him no less. That’s not love, so don’t beat yourself up for starting over.”

“Time to learn to love what’s good for me, huh?” Is it that easy? Can I just choose to fall out of love with Ford? It doesn’t feel good, and hasn’t for a long time. So I just wash my hands of it, and let go?

I lean my head on Tracy’s shoulder. “Thank you,” I whisper.

“For what?” I can hear her confusion.

“For standing by me no matter what. You moved to Seattle for me.”

She bumps her shoulder against mine. “I’ve followed men around the country, why not my ride or die best friend? Ford isn’t the reason you’re out here though, so why don’t we talk about the two carat rock weighing you down.”

I look down at my hand and see the ring Benji gave me last night. I knew a proposal was coming even before I came back. He asked me to think about what we could be. That was how I found out he had romantic feelings for me, and it threw everything off balance. He didn’t even give me time to catch up to him before he dropped down to one knee. He filled the room with flowers, had candles lit, and soft music playing.

In short it was the perfect proposal. The only problem is, I think real, passionate love is far from perfect. If done right, it’s messy, chaotic, and sometimes painful. What it isn’t is perfect.

“I haven’t given him an answer yet. He asked me to wear it while I think. I don’t know what to do.”

I twist it around my finger. “I don’t understand why he wants to marry me. Benji is?—”

“Perfect? Yeah, he’s got women throwing themselves at him constantly, but he doesn’t love them, he loves you,” Tracy says.

“He deserves someone who doesn’t have to think when he proposes. Someone who can’t wait to start her life with him. Not someone who is trying to forget her first love. I do love Benji, I’m just not sure I can love him enough to make him happy, and he deserves that.”

“It’s only been a few days. You need to give yourself some time to settle in,” Tracy says.

I hold up my hand and show off the giant rock on my finger. “Hard to do that when I haven’t even had time to breathe.”

* * *

Later,after I relent to Tracy’s pestering and go back inside, I end up pacing the apartment. I’ve never loved sitting around watching television. I tried to read, but after reading the same paragraph several times I put my e-reader down. I finally understand what it means to be stir-crazy.

I thought coming back here to be with Tracy, Lydia, and Benji would be worth giving up my freedom. If I’d gone into the witness protection program, like agent Holbrook wanted, I might have been able to get a coffee or even take a walk outside. The only issue with that was I’d have had to do everything alone. In that respect, my freedom is a small price to pay, doesn’t mean I’m not climbing the walls though.

Benji is still a full-time student, and the spotlight on him is only going to get brighter if he makes the US Olympic team. There’s no way I can travel with him anywhere, not as long as Damien Blackthorne is running around free. He’d have to live the biggest moment of his athletic career without me there to cheer him on. It’s another way he’d live half a life with me.

I hear the ding of the private elevator as it arrives on our floor. Sometimes I don’t bat an eye at the opulence that surrounds Benji. This is the same world I grew up in, but I left it behind two years ago. My father was always more concerned with how things appeared, and for me, the cost of living with that level of privilege was too high. It’s different with Benji though. I might not be sure about marrying him, but he’s still my favorite person. I can’t imagine he’d try and change me or control me with his money.

The elevator doors finally slide open, and I rush to greet him. He lifts me up and spins me around. “I could get used to this kind of greeting when I come home.”

Benji sets me on my feet, and I can see the intention in his eyes before his mouth meets mine. Kissing him isn’t unpleasant. He’s got skills, but there’s no spark between us. Yes, I got burned with Ford, but I’d rather risk the flames than play it safe.

“Have you made up your mind?” he asks me while he plays with the ring on my finger.

I put my hands on his biceps and put some space between us. “Benji, this is all happening so fast. I?—”

He puts his finger against my lips. “You’re right. I’m jumping the gun. I’ve thought about this for so long, I got a bit too eager when you came back. I’ll do better. I promise. You’ll get all the time you need to make a decision.” He kisses the top of my head.

“I’m going to go shower, how about we watch a movie when I come out?”

* * *

Benji comesin at the same time I find my favorite movie. He sees what’s on the screen and dives for the remote. “I am not watching The Princess Bride for the billionth time,” he says while he grapples for the remote.

Laughing I try and scoot away from him while he stretches out and ends up falling on top of me. We wrestle for control of the remote. I can feel every rippling muscle pressing against me. I wait for the panic to come, but it doesn’t. It hasn’t been very long since Jesse and his friends spent three days assaulting me. I anticipate freezing up as soon as a man touches me, but in Benji’s arms I feel safe. Our eyes lock, and for a moment I can see the future Benji has been talking about.

It wouldn’t be an instant connection like I had with Ford, but there is something between us that can grow if I let it. Life would be easy with Benji.

We continue to stare into each other’s eyes, and I bite my lip in anticipation. I’m not ready to say yes to his proposal, but this moment feels monumental. Everything is changing between us, but surprisingly I’m not afraid.

He’s taking such great care making sure he doesn’t trigger a panic attack. I might not understand it, but I can feel his love for me. My fingers shake a little as I reach up to stroke the side of his face. I don’t have the words right now, but I need him to know I care about him deeply.

Benji’s lips curve into a smile. Then he leans down and brushes them against mine. It’s a shy kiss, uncertain of my reception. When I don’t pull away he grows bolder. I get a hint of the passion he holds back, then my phone rings and bursts this fragile moment.

He groans and sits back. “Everyone who knows you’re alive is in this apartment, so you should probably get that.”

I grab it off the coffee table and answer it. I recognize FBI agent Marks’ voice when he greets me. The lighthearted atmosphere vanishes and I quickly sit up.

“What’s wrong? Why are you calling me?” I ask him. It’s only been a few days, and I was told no one would be contacting me unless there was an emergency.

He takes a deep breath. “Everything is fucked. Damien Blackthorne has Holbrook, which means at this point we should assume he knows you’re alive. I’ve already called Natalie’s family. We have everyone else in a secure paramilitary compound, and I think it’s best if you join them.”

I look at Benji. The life I could have here flashes before me, and I’m not sure I can give that up. I’m not sure what our future will look like, but I can say with absolute certainty that Benji is essential to me. I can’t imagine a life without him in it, at least not a good one.

I’m prepared to tell him no, but then he says the one thing that can bring me back. “There was an explosion earlier at the compound when Damien’s men tried to get to Raven. Tessa, Ford is in the hospital. I didn’t want you to show up here and be surprised with that information. You’ve been through enough already.”

Benji can see it on my face. I can tell he’s sad, but like always, he is going to put me first. I don’t deserve him. I’m not sure anyone could.

“Go,” he mouths.

I inhale and prepare myself for stepping back into a place where I’m looked at with suspicion and scorn. “Tell me what I need to do.” There’s really no other option. I wasn’t there for Ford the last time he was in the hospital, but I sure as hell will be there for him this time.