Chapter 3
Standingin front of the bay window in Raven’s library of her new house, I reflect over the last several weeks. So much shit has gone down, it makes my head spin. The fact that I’m standing here, hanging out with Raven is testament to how much things have changed since I’ve been back. I never thought I’d be friends with her, and here I am staying in their guest room.
When you help a girl kill her psycho, crime lord father you form a bond. One that can even help you get past hooking up with each other’s love interests. Raven has the same badass qualities Tracy does. And to be honest, if I were to avoid every woman who’s slept with Ford, I’d have very few friends.
Now that we’re all free from the threat we’d been living under, we don’t have to live in a guarded community and travel everywhere with armed security. The only thing keeping me here now is the fact I’m still enrolled in classes at the community college.
“You’re awfully deep in thought over here,” Raven says from the doorway.
I turn around. “I guess I am.” After Ford saw Benji’s ring on my finger I started wearing it around my neck. I pull it out now and slip it on my finger. “Benji asked me to marry him.”
“What about Ford?” she asks.
That’s the million-dollar question. While we were cooped up in the Chaos Village, as we referred to the paramilitary complex we lived in while under protection from her crime lord father, I admitted to the girls that I still had feelings for Ford. I regret that now.
“Tracy told me not long ago that I need to start loving what’s good for me, and I do love Benji.”
Her bright blue eyes bore into my soul. “But you’re not in love with him.”
My eyes sting, but I’m not comfortable enough to show her this much weakness. We’re friends, but only three people get that much vulnerability from me.
“No, maybe I’m not in love with him, but I need him. If this is what he needs from me, what I need to do to keep him, then I’ll do it. I believe I can be happy with him,” I tell her.
“It sounds like you’ve made up your mind,” she says with a hint of judgment.
“Sometimes I’m ready to say yes, and then?—”
The front door opens and I don’t have to hear or see him to know who just arrived. It could be anyone, we all end up hanging out here at casa Sinclair most days, but I’m not shocked to see Sin and Ford stroll into the room.
“Let me guess,” Raven continues our conversation, “someone shows up and steals your attention.”
I nod. “Something like that.”
My phone rings and I step out of the room to get it. “Hey, Benji,” I say as soon as I’m out of earshot.
“Hey, baby.” He’s been calling me that a lot now that he’s changed the rules of our relationship. “Guess where my next meet is,” he says excitedly.
“Is it in Playa?” I ask excitedly. I might be conflicted about my feelings and whether or not I should marry him, but he is still, without a doubt, my favorite person on the planet.
“It is! I’ll be there in a couple of days. Will you come stay with me at my hotel?”
What he’s really asking is if I’m with Ford. He and I talk every day, but we don’t talk about where we stand. He promised to give me time to mull over his proposal. Benji is true to his word, but he’s still human, and not immune to insecurity.
“Of course, I’ll stay with you. I actually need to figure out where I’m going to stay for the next couple of months until the semester is over. I’m in Sin and Raven’s guest room, but they’re newlyweds. I’m sure they want their privacy.”
“So you’re still planning on coming back to Seattle?” Benji asks.
“That’s still the plan,” I say hesitantly. “Did you change your mind? If you don’t want me to come back I need you to tell me.” Benji has never once given me a reason to doubt him, but my prior experiences make it hard for me to trust anyone completely.
“No, baby. I didn’t change my mind. I’m just checking to see if you changed yours. I guess I keep waiting for the moment he comes to his senses and realizes what he’s lost. I know you still love him.”
“I love you too,” I try to reassure him. I can’t deny that I love Ford. I wish I could just turn it off. What I won’t do is lie to Benji. He might not always like the answers, but he deserves truthful ones.
“I know you do. We can be happy together, but only if you can let him go. Otherwise, we need to just stay friends. You’ve got a couple of months to figure that out.” Someone calls for him and we quickly end the call.
“A couple of months to figure what out?”
I jump and turn around to see Ford leaning against the doorframe.
“You heard that?”
He moves further into the room. “You always did keep the volume on your phone up too high. So what are you supposed to figure out in a couple of months?”
I don’t exactly want to tell him that I’m supposed to figure out how to get over him. I do know one way I can put up a wall between us. I’m still wearing my ring since I just showed it to Raven only a few minutes ago. Waving my finger at him, I say, “I’m supposed to be figuring out my answer to a question.”
His jaw clenches, a sure sign he’s angry. “Are you really considering marrying him? Is this what you want for your life? You aren’t in love with him.”
“Really? You know this based off of all the time we’ve spent together? All the time you’ve watched Benji and I? Tell me, what criteria are you using?”
I cross the room until I’m standing in front of him. Stretching up as close to his ear as I can get, I whisper, “You have no idea how I feel.”
Ford grabs my hips and pulls me closer. “It’s been a while, but I could never forget how you feel.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” I put my hands on his chest and push him back, or try to, but it’s like trying to push a mountain.
He holds on to me with one hand and tips my chin up with the other. “We’ve fought this long enough, don’t you think? You can’t really fight fate.”
I scoff. “So we’re fated now? And I’m just supposed to forgive you for the last two years of making me feel like shit, pushing me away, and ostracizing me? You think you know me, but there’s a lot you don’t know. Benji knows everything about me. I will admit that there’s a part of me that will always have feelings for you, but the woman standing before you right now needs things only Benji can provide.”
His hands fall off my hips. “Like what?”
“A fresh start.”
Ford takes a couple steps back, and I can see my barb hit its target. “I’ll let you get to it then.”
And just as I expect, he retreats. As usual Ford will fight me, but he won’t fight for me.