Chapter 14
Tessa hasn”t stopped smilingfrom the moment the car we ordered dropped us off downtown. We don”t really have a set itinerary, so we are just wandering around aimlessly. I pull her to a stop every time I see her face light up. It”s never what I would expect. There are so many famous tourist attractions here, but my girl always finds beauty in overlooked things.
It”s the things other people take for granted that she finds fascinating. The murals painted on brick walls, the ones people walk past without acknowledging, musicians playing on street corners for change, any store that sells something vintage or not mass-produced she wants to stop inside. I love the smile that stretches across her face every time she discovers something new, or gets a chance to show me one of her favorite things.
That fire that has been suppressed since she came back to Playa is once again a raging inferno. I can”t deny that she”s alive here in Seattle. My bitching about the rain aside, I have to admit it”s a beautiful city. I think I can get around to settling in here, especially if being here puts that look on her face.
Weight seems to shed off her shoulders the longer we walk around the city. By early afternoon, she”s practically skipping down the side street. We”re in an artsy district and nobody pays her a second glance. I feel less self-conscious here too, not that I ever gave much of a fuck about other people’s opinions.
Her excitement seems to be building, and our aimless meandering starts to have a specific destination, but she”s being very tight-lipped about where she”s taking me. I”m not a big fan of surprises, but I”ll enjoy this one just to watch the pure joy she”s exuding.
Another block down, she grabs my hand and practically drags me down the sidewalk. “Come on, hurry up. You”re a giant, you should be much faster than this.”
“I could be a lot faster if I actually knew where I was going,” I remind her.
She points about another block down. “You see that red-faced shop over there?”
I nod my head, and she continues talking. “We”re going there.”
I sweep her up into my arms, and she squeals. “That”s all I needed to know.”
Tessa tips her head back and laughs. “That”s what I”m talking about. Use those giant legs!”
People must be very weird in this city because nobody gives us a second glance. I thought it was Portland that was proud of being weird, but I guess there have to be some similarities between the two Pacific Northwest cities.
I set her down outside the doors of a coffee shop. For a moment she goes rigid and I remember what she told me the night before. Without even thinking, I pull her close and hold her against my chest. Then I remember her aversion to being touched, and I hold my breath praying that she doesn”t panic.
She grabs both hands in my shirt and buries her head between my pecs. I take that as a good sign and cradle the back of her head with my hand. I lean down, kiss the top of her head, and whisper, “I”ve got you, Vixen. I swear on my life, I will never let you down again.”
Tessa shudders and breathes deeply like she’s smelling me. “I won”t let them take this place from me. They”ve taken enough.”
My hands go to her shoulders and hold her back just a little. “I will help you get back everything that was taken from you.”
She shakes her head. “That”s not possible. I”m not being defeatist, or refusing to try and get through this. That was the one part of therapy that I was starting to grasp. I have to learn to accept that my life will be different. It doesn”t have to be worse, but I am a different person now. Every experience we have in life changes us somewhat. If good ones can change us, bad ones can change us too. That doesn”t mean that I have to let the change be for the worse. I get to decide how I change.”
I stroke my hands through her hair and allow her words to sink in. I”m different since the night that my dad beat me to within an inch of my life. Probably not for the better, at least I haven”t been up to this point. She”s right though, I can never be the person I was before that night. I made a lot of fucked up choices after that. I do deserve the blame for most of them.
She stretches up on her toes and kisses my cheek. “You”re just figuring out that not everything that has happened between us is your fault aren”t you?”
My throat is too thick to speak, so I nod again instead. “I know I said I didn”t want us to make each other any more promises, but do you think maybe you can make me one more?”
I don”t even think about what my answer will be. “I already told you, Vixen, whatever you want it”s yours.”
“I know that I need to go back to therapy. I”m still struggling with finding healthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes the dark days seem to swallow me whole and I just don”t know how to fight them yet.”
“What is the promise you want me to make?” I ask her, but I”m pretty sure I already know.
“I want you to try therapy too. You keep saying that we have to talk if we”re going to make it work this time. We have to learn to communicate better. I think you”re right, but I don”t think all of the talking necessarily needs to be done with each other. After I unloaded all of that stuff on you last night, I”m seeing a little bit clearer now. I”ve been so afraid that you were going to judge me for all of the bad shit that happened to me that I overlooked the fact that you”ve lived a life of bad shit happening to you. We never had a chance to be anything but toxic because that”s all we”ve ever known. You want me to trust you again, but don”t you think our problem is that you never trusted me?”
Stabbing me would hurt less. I take a step back, and I feel the anger heating up from my chest and starting to form words on my tongue. Thankfully my brain has come on board and I bite that motherfucker hard. Still, I want to argue with her and deny everything she said, but I can’t because she”s right.
When I saw her talking to her ex when we were in high school, I immediately assumed she was going back to him. I thought she was flirting with Shane. I accused her of trying to leave me over and over again before the night she actually did it. I kept expecting her to leave and I think that I manifested it. Then there’s all the bullshit I”ve pulled since she came back after high school. I”m the one that kept her at arm’s length, all she”s been doing lately is giving me a dose of my own medicine.
There”s a bench off to the side of the building and I lead her down so we can sit before we go inside her coffee house. Grabbing her hands, I pull her to sit next to me. “I have so much to make up to you. Way more than I can probably ever do. Why are you giving me another chance?”
I don”t deserve it. That”s clear now. My heart slams against my ribs. I”m going to lose her. I should lose her.
Her hand strokes the side of my face until I open my eyes and look down at her. “It isn”t your choice if I forgive you or not, just like it”s not my choice to love you. Believe me, if I had a choice I would”ve chosen differently. Tracy told me once that you are easy to fall for and hard to love. I”d say she nailed you.”
I lick my bottom lip while I try and think of something to say. I”ve got nothing. “You really think I”m hard to love?”
She narrows her eyes. “Do you think you make it easy?”
A dark chuckle comes up from my chest. “I”m going to work on that, and I will go to therapy. Maybe we should even go together sometime?”
A look of wonder comes across her face. “We really are going to make it this time, aren”t we?”
I pull her onto my lap because she’s never close enough. “There”s no other option. The last couple of years have shown me that life without you is bleak. I can”t fucking do it anymore.”
She bites her lip and buries her head against my neck. “Please be careful with me. If I do this with you, and lose you again, I”m going to shatter into a million pieces.”
“Only death can take me away from you this time, and even then I will come back to haunt you until you join me,” I joke.
She grumbles against my neck. “You are picking up Sin’s sense of humor. I don”t like it.”
I laugh, the tension between us evaporating. Communicating really does make a difference. “I”ll work on it.”
She lifts her head and pats my chest. “You do that.”
Tessa stands up and holds out her hand. I make a sound of protest because she is no longer in my arms. “I want to introduce you, c’mon.”
A woman that I can only describe as a rock chick tosses a towel on the top of the counter and runs straight for Tessa. “Oh my God girl, you had me so freaked out! Are you back? Ready to get back to work?”
Tessa gives her a quick hug. “I”m not back yet, we”re just visiting for the weekend. I wanted to show him around and convince him to move up here.”
She assesses me with shrewd eyes and a little disapproval. She jerks her chin up toward Tessa. “So this is the heartbreaker, huh?”
Tessa opens her mouth, then closes it, then opens it again and closes it. I put my hand around her waist and pull her close to me. I extend my other hand to her former boss. “While Tessa is doing an impersonation of a fish, let me introduce myself. I”m Ford Shaw, apparently, also known as the heartbreaker, but I think that”s probably fair. I am trying to rectify that particular title, though.”
She takes my hand and gives it a firm shake. This is a no-nonsense woman. Despite the fact that she seems to dislike me, I kinda like her. “The name is Carol. It”s not very rock ”n” roll, but what can you do? My parents had no imagination. What title are you going for?” Her eyes trace me up and down. She turns her head as she studies me. “I can think of a few. Stud muffin, hot stuff, sex god.” She looks at Tessa and winks with the last one.
I kinda like the way Tessa”s face is turning bright pink. To think I once thought she was bold and arrogant, when really she is somewhat introverted and self-conscious. I can”t help but tease her a little bit. It”s one of my favorite activities. “Tessa has been known to shout for god from time to time, so that last one might be pretty accurate.”
Tessa groans. “Well, I can”t take you anywhere.”
I give her one of my naughty smirks to warn her I”m about to say something dirty. “Baby, you can take me anywhere you want. I am always ready to go.”
Carol tips her head back and laughs. “All right, I can see what she sees in you. I mean I have eyes so I can clearly see why she would be attracted to you, but I”m sure you know the other guy and he”s no slouch either.”
She jabs her finger at me. “Just remember our girl here has options. You fuck up again and there”s a white knight that would love to swoop in and save the day.”
“I’m glad she has people like you in her corner,” I tell her honestly. “Bennett needs to go find a different damsel, because I don”t plan on fucking up again. I mean I”ll probably leave my socks on the floor, and we”re both horrible cooks, but I”m going to get the big stuff right.”
“I guess I”ll give you a chance. You two go find a seat, and I”ll bring out Tessa”s favorite. This place doesn”t run itself so I don”t have any more time to gab, but I will when you come back to work for me.” She delivers the last part with her eyes aimed right at Tessa.
Tessa smiles wide. “Like I would work anywhere else.”
“Damn right,” Carol says and hustles back to work.
* * *
We takeour coffees and sit outside and enjoy a rare break in the clouds and soak up the sun while it lasts. Spring in the Pacific Northwest is unpredictable, or so she tells me.
We sit in silence for a while, but it”s not uncomfortable. I”m just taking in the scenery, watching the city go by. There”s a different rhythm here than there is in Playa. I like it. I can see myself fitting in here.
I need to reach out to my old coach and see about maybe getting a scholarship to finish up my education here. Since I played in community college, I still have a couple of years of eligibility under NCAA rules. Then, if I”m lucky, I can enter the NFL draft and give Tessa back the life that she gave up for me.
She reaches across the table and laces her fingers with mine. It”s the first time she”s taken the initiative to touch me. When I look over at her, she smiles at me. “Where were you just then? You looked lost somewhere far away.”
I shrug one shoulder. “More like a bit in the future. I”m thinking about transferring schools, playing football, and hopefully going pro. Do you think you could put up with all that comes along with me in the NFL? It would be a lot of attention, but it would also let me give you the life that you walked away from.”
She squeezes my hand. “I walked away from it. I chose to do that, and I haven”t regretted it. If you want to play professional football, I will be behind you a hundred percent. But do it because you can”t imagine not doing it.”
“I want to play, I love the game, and I want to prove my asshole father wrong. He always told me I wasn”t good enough, that I would never be anything. I”ll never see it for myself, because I’m never going back there, but I want to know that he is living in some dump of a trailer in Jefferson Park, probably sitting in a puddle of his own piss and vomit, watching me on television. I”ll never acknowledge him in interviews, it’ll be like he never existed. He will know he’s the one who never amounted to anything.”
Her thumb rubs rhythmically across the top of my hand. She soothes the spike of anger thinking of my father always dredges up. “You don”t have to become a professional athlete for him to know that his life was wasted. You”ve already accomplished most of the things he said you would never do. You’re out of the Park, you”ll be getting your AA soon, and next semester you”ll be playing in one of these big college stadiums. This time he won”t get in the way.”
I need to change the subject. Her words make me happy, but thinking about him does not. “When am I going to get to meet your mom?”
She takes her phone out of her pocket and scrolls through some texts. “Uh, it looks like she won”t be back in the States for a couple more weeks. So you should meet her when?—”
“When we move up here? You can say it, I already told you I”m doing it.”
“Are you sure it”s what you want though? I just feel like I”m pulling you away from all of your friends and?—”
I put my fingers against her lips to stop the nonsense that she”s babbling. “First, they consider themselves to be your friends too. And they are just that, friends. You are my past, my present, and my future. Besides, things can”t remain the same forever. Not to mention, Sin has family here, so it”s not like we”ll never see anyone. Do you really not see Shane and Jen following us eventually? There are some excellent nursing programs up here, and he can be an electrician anywhere. My point is they will still be our friends, and aside from Shane and Jen the rest of them can afford to buy a plane let alone a plane ticket. I”m not sure about Ted, but there”s been a lot that he”s revealed lately so if he”s a secret millionaire, I wouldn”t be surprised. Plus if I do go pro, we”ll probably have to move at least for a while during the season. Are you going to be okay with that?”
She”s nodding her head before I even finish speaking. “Absolutely that sounds like a fair compromise. You move here now, and when you get signed with a team we will move. Alaska doesn”t have any professional football teams, right?”
I laugh. Tessa’s aversion to the cold makes me wonder why she wants to live this far north, but I can see that Alaska would be a hard line. “No, Vixen, they don”t have any professional teams.”
“Then I stand by my statement. We will move. Wait, the Dakotas don”t have any either do they?”
I laugh louder and have to clutch my stomach. “You”re adorable. No, they don’t, and neither does Montana. But some of the upper Midwest does, and upstate New York.”
She winces. “Try really hard not to get signed with one of those teams. I don”t even care if they”re the best. Think warm thoughts.”
I roll my eyes, and without thinking I bend over the table and kiss her. It”s the second time this afternoon that I forgot to be more cautious. She gasps against my mouth and then deepens the kiss. Tessa tastes like coffee, toothpaste, and heaven. It”s been a while, so admittedly, we lose ourselves a little more than appropriate in a public setting. When she finally pulls back, her pupils are wide and she”s staring at me with that look of hope again.
Talking about this just reminds me there are so many more things we need to discuss. I”m sure this move is going to be coming up fast. The semester ends in a little less than two months, and then I will be graduating. Before Tessa came back, my plan had been to go to the university not far from Playa, and I don”t want to tell her how difficult it is going to be to find a spot on a team with such late notice, but there are some strings that I can pull.
“We need to have a logistical talk. I know you want to take things slow, so I assume we are each getting our own place. I need to apply to some colleges and I guess for campus housing too. What are your plans? Do Tracy and Lydia still have a place for you in the apartment?”
An uncomfortable look comes across her face, and she chews on her bottom lip. “I don”t think living with them would be a good idea.”
“Would they not take you back? Surely they can”t be mad at you for coming back to Playa. You need to be protected. Damien was coming after all of us. If he had found out you were alive he would have come after you.”
“It”s not that.” She hesitates and I can tell there’s something she doesn”t want to tell me.
I take a slow breath in through my nose. “Where do they live, Tessa?”
“See, okay, here”s the thing. The apartment I shared with them was in Playa. That’s the apartment I had my little breakdown in, and where Benji came to get me. So I didn”t exactly have my own place up here when I came back with him.” She watches my face as I put the pieces together.
“What you”re telling me is, you were living with him.” Well, I fucking hate that. It”s getting harder and harder not to want to punch that guy in the face. And I know I would be a dick if I did it, but ask me if I give a shit.
She nods, too nervous to say the words.
“After he came and,” I swallow hard, “rescued you from Jesse’s, the three of you moved in with him?”
Tessa nods again. “We weren”t in the best shape for taking care of ourselves. Like I said, Lydia is a ghost, Tracy is a little more than a zombie most of the time with some moments of clarity. As for me, I already had a shit track record of taking care of myself, so I don”t think he wanted to leave me to my own devices after that kind of trauma.”
I might sound like a jealous prick for admitting this, but I have my limits. “I don”t think I would feel comfortable with you living with him again.”
“I wasn”t even considering it, but I can completely understand why that would be something you’d be against. We could, I mean, if you want to, I know, I said we should take things slow, but maybe we could?—”
“Tessa, are you asking me to move in with you?”
She fidgets in her seat. “Is it too fast? If it is, I can stay with my mom.”
“It”s perfect. It”s just that we don”t have a lot of money, so how are we going to get a place? From what I understand this city is very expensive.”
“You’re pretty handy aren”t you?” she asks.
“Yeah,” I draw out confused. She bounces between topics so fast my head spins.
“My mom owns a small apartment building, and when I talked to her about moving back up here, with you, she suggested we take the super’s apartment. If you would do some of the basic repairs around the building, I would collect the rent and schedule any major repairs. Then I would have my job at the coffee shop, and there are dozens of places that you can work when you”re not in the middle of the season.”
“I can hire a manager at the gym, it”s ready to be operational now. That will earn us a small income, hopefully more once it gets going.” I sit back in my seat. “Wow, so we”re really doing this, huh? I mean you really thought this through.”
“Does that scare you?” she asks timidly.
“Fuck no, it turns me on.” I hold my hands up. “But I can wait.”
She gives me a heated look. “Maybe not for much longer. I didn”t freak out when we kissed. We”re just going to have to work up to making out.”
I sigh. “Well, if I have to. For you, I guess I can make that sacrifice.”
She swats me on the chest. “You”re such a dork.”
I give her my wide, toothy grin. The one that usually has girls stuffing phone numbers in my pockets. Not that I’m open to that anymore. “Yeah, but you love me.”
She smiles back at me. “Yeah well, you love me too.”
“You”re damn right I do. How about we go back to your mom”s house and practice this making out thing that you were talking about?”