Chapter 26
“I’msurprised your giant caveman is letting you talk to me alone,” Benji says.
I narrow my eyes. “Don’t say things like that. I don’t expect you to be Ford’s biggest fan, but as my friend, I do expect you not to bad-mouth him.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. This isn’t easy for me, seeing you with him. I miss you, Tessie.”
How long am I going to feel bad for hurting him? The thing is, you can’t help who you love, and who you don’t. We gave it a shot, but we weren’t right for each other. I just wish he’d hurry up and see that already.
“Why didn’t you bring a date?” I ask him.
He scoffs at me. “And who would that be? Not everyone jumps from one serious relationship to another in the blink of an eye. We were engaged like five minutes ago. That was real for me.”
I take a step away from him, causing his hand to fall off my lower back. This is new for us. Benji’s never been mad at me before. I know I deserve it, but it’s not like I set out to hurt him.
“I guess it was too much to believe we could really stay friends after I broke off our engagement. For what it’s worth, I never meant to hurt you.”
I start to walk away, but he reaches out and grabs my wrist. “I do want us to be friends. It’s just hard seeing you with him. That’s my problem though, and I will deal with it.”
“I can keep my distance for a while,” I offer.
He shakes his head. “That’s not what I want. Yeah, it hurts, but being away from you hurts worse.”
“I’m just afraid that if we spend too much time together we’re going to fall into old patterns,” I say.
Benji gives me a sad smile and tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. “Would that really be so bad?”
I take a step back, just out of his reach. “For me it would be. I don’t want to lose our friendship, but I can’t lean on you like I used to. The lines got too blurred between us before, especially because I was so badly broken. I should never have let things get as far as an engagement. But especially now, there needs to be more defined boundaries between us. Ford is being extremely understanding of our friendship, I think the respectful thing is to make sure to recognize that there’s a distinction between what our relationship is and what he and I have.”
“And, what would that be?” Benji pushes.
“He’s my person. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but he’s the one I need to turn to when I need someone,” I start to explain.
Benji rolls his eyes. “From what you, Tracy, and Lydia have told me about him I find it really hard to believe that he’s the type you can depend on. Are you really trying to plan a future with him?”
“Why shouldn’t she?” Ford’s deep voice rolls over me. His arm drops around my shoulders and he pulls me against his side.
“Just the fact that you’ve let her down over and over again. I’ve been picking up your mess for most of the last year, then you swoop back in, make a bunch of empty promises, and she falls for it like she always does.”
Ford’s arm tightens around my shoulders, but otherwise, he doesn’t move. I know it’s taking enormous self-restraint not to respond. He ignores Benji and instead focuses on me. “Let’s get out of here before Coach Hard-Ass finds some other rich asshole he wants to shove in front of me.”
We walk with a purpose until we exit the building. Once we’re outside my stomach grumbles loudly reminding both of us that this dinner was very notably missing the dinner portion of the evening.
Ford stops underneath a lamppost. His eyes slowly scan me up and down. “You look really beautiful tonight. How about we take advantage of our freedom and I take you on a date.”
“I’d like that.”
It’s a good thing we took advantage of the moment because the next few weeks prove challenging for us to spend any time together.
* * *
Carol leansacross the counter of her cafe in front of me. “Do you live here now?”
I roll my eyes and continue wiping down the counter. “I’m just picking up extra shifts before school starts. The other girls wanted some time off.”
“Don’t you want to spend some time with that hunky boyfriend of yours? I know you just started back to work, but that doesn’t mean you have to make up for lost time,” she argues with me.
“Football training camp is in full swing. He’s gone before I get up, and by the time he gets home, he’s practically dead on his feet. So, I’m keeping myself occupied. It doesn’t sound like it will be much better once the season starts either,” I tell her.
“Ah, that makes sense then. You know I’m here for you. Whatever you need, dollface. I’ve got your back,” Carol reassures me.
“Thanks, Carol. I think I’d go a bit nuts if I didn’t have something to keep me busy.”
The bell over the door jingles and I get ready to serve the next customer. Then I see Tracy walk in the door.
“I haven’t seen much of you since you’ve come back. Are you avoiding me?” Tracy always did cut straight to the chase.
“God,” I sigh. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been a shitty friend. I’m not avoiding you. Benji and I had a weird run-in at some athletic department event, and he and Ford almost got into it. I just haven’t felt comfortable going over to his apartment.”
“That used to be your apartment too,” she reminds me.
“I know, but my home is with Ford, and I can’t let Benji jeopardize that.”
“So you’re going to choose the guy who has hurt you over one of your best friends?” she asks.
“I love him. He’s my one,” I tell her.
“Well, Lydia and I miss you.”
“Then come and see me. I need to give Benji some space for a bit until we can define the line between what our friendship should be and what it was.”
Tracy gives me a disappointed look. “Is Ford asking you to do this? Personally, I think it”s pretty shitty of him to ask you to distance yourself from one of your best friends.”
I shake my head adamantly. “He wouldn”t do that. I know he doesn’t love the idea that Benji and I are still so close, but he would never tell me I couldn”t talk to him. And I”m not distancing myself because of some misguided attempt to appease Ford either. The things that Benji said that night felt disrespectful to me. I am the one that needs him to respect my relationship. By him putting Ford down over and over, it”s like he”s telling me he doesn”t trust my judgment and doesn”t respect my choices.”
She shakes her head, and I can tell she”s about to argue with me. I hold up my hand and turn my head away. “Just save it, okay? You and I don”t need to argue because of something going on between me and Benji. He”s a big boy, if he has a problem with something, he can come and tell me himself.”
She throws her hands up. “Yeah, okay. He”s just had my back, you know?”
“I do know, and you”re a good friend. Things will get normal again. Trust me, weirder relationships than this have been repaired. Eventually, Benji and I will go back to normal, or at least find a new normal. Hell, he might even become friends with Ford. Anything can happen.”
“I wouldn”t hold my breath on that last one. Bennett and Ford becoming friends is probably the most unlikely scenario that I can imagine,” Tracy comments.
“I would”ve said Ford and Sin becoming friends was the most unlikely pairing ever, and honestly, I think that Sin has replaced Shane,” I tell her.
“Sin, was he the tall, dark, and scary guy with jet black eyes, or the tall, dark, and scary guy with the bright blue eyes?” Tracy asks.
I forget, she hasn”t spent as much time around them as I have. I guess I”ve slipped more into that world than I realized. The whole time I was in Playa I kept thinking I needed to come back here where I belong, and now I feel like as much of an outsider with Tracy, Lydia, and Benji as I once had with Ford”s friends there.
“The tall, scary guy with dark eyes,” I answer her.
She fans herself. “I know I”m trying to get over bad boys, but that guy was hot.”
“The tall, scary guy with bright blue eyes, is his brother-in-law,” I tell her.
“Seriously? So the tiny chick that was there when we went to the club that night, the one who was hanging out with us, they’re married? Wasn”t she like nineteen?”
I raise my eyebrows and nod. It feels good to be talking about something lighter than all the heaviness we”ve been dealing with for most of the last year. Catching Tracy up on all of the craziness that surrounds Sin, Raven, and Lucien could fill many conversations.
“But why would it be less likely for Ford to become friends with, did you say his name was Sin? You were engaged to Bennett. How could it be worse than that?”
“Well, his name is Jackson, but everyone calls him Sin. Trust me, it fits. And to answer your question, I think it has something to do with Ford sleeping with Raven before they got together. Of course, this is also because Sin talked me into having sex with him outside so that we would be caught by Ford and Raven. Not my brightest decision.”
She scrunches up her chin. “Well, that explains why you hightailed your ass back to Seattle convinced you and Ford were done forever. I”m kind of jealous. That guy was hot. He wouldn”t have had to work very hard to convince me.”
“Well, don”t say anything like that to Raven, because not only is she a good friend now, but she”s got this thing with throwing sharp objects so I’d just stay on her good side,” I advise her.
We talk for a few more minutes before she heads back out. It”s nice to see she”s starting to get out of the apartment. We make plans for her and Lydia to come over for dinner one night during the week. That makes me feel better since Ford will still be busy with practice. I remind myself that this is what we came here for, so he could get to play football at a higher level and I could reconnect with my friends. Sometimes it”s just hard getting what you want.
Around six, Carol kicks me out. “Even I don”t want to stay here this long, and I own this place. That man of yours has to be home by now, go.”
The thing is, I texted Ford to let me know when he got let out of practice, and I haven”t heard from him yet. Since Sin and Raven still haven”t brought my car here, I”ve been relying on public transportation to get to work. It solves the parking issue, which is always a struggle in Seattle, but sometimes taking public transportation can be a little scary.
I take my keys out and lace them through my fingers so I have a makeshift weapon handy, and head down to the bus stop. There”s no direct route to my apartment so I will have to change buses and wait at another bus stop. The moment I walk through my apartment door, I exhale. I”m always surprised at how tight my muscles are and how much tension I”m holding the moment I click the lock in place. It doesn”t matter that it has been every night this week, somehow I managed to convince myself that I am braver than I am.
I slump against the door and put my hand over my racing heart. I listen to the apartment and it is silent and dark. Once again, I”m here alone. I expected football training camp to be grueling, but I didn”t expect it to last twelve hours a day. But that”s because I didn”t realize he would also be taking summer school classes. Apparently, they want him to lighten his load during football season by taking some of his classes over the summer.
He”s at the training facility by seven o”clock every morning, and although he”s done with training by four in the afternoon, he still has a mandatory study group that lasts until six or sometimes later. They have a nutritionist at the training facility and they”ve put him on a special diet for the season so he has eaten almost every meal with the team. Which means for the last three weeks we”ve done virtually nothing together except sleep.
I could go to my mom’s for dinner, but for some reason, I”m reticent to let anyone know how much time I”m spending alone. The tension between Benji and me has left me even more isolated. In the past, I would have turned to him, but that feels wrong now. It would be sending him the wrong message and it would make Ford uncomfortable. Neither is something I want to do. I do hope Tracy is able to convince Lydia to come out. It”s been a while since it was just the three of us.
It”s been a long time since I”ve spent this much time alone. I had forgotten how loud my thoughts can be when they are the only things keeping me company. I realize I”ve been fooling myself into thinking that I”ve been healing when really what I”ve been doing is distracting myself. There are very few distractions for me now, and I”m practically crawling out of my skin. That”s why I”ve been spending so much time at work.
I dig through the fridge and throw together a simple salad. I”m not much of a cook, and without someone overseeing self-care, I don”t put much effort into taking care of myself. Most of my meals I eat standing up over the sink. This one is no different. I quickly wash my dishes and put everything away when I”m done.
Seven-thirty is too early for me to go to sleep. I pace back and forth in the apartment. I”ve left most of the lights off and there is an orangish glow coming in from the streetlight shining in my window.
I don”t know what I want to do, but I know that I”m not doing well. That feeling is welling up inside of me. The one that makes my skin feel too tight, like it”s stretched to its limit across my bones. I can feel the poison spreading through my veins. Intrusive thoughts spring into my mind showing me vivid scenarios of me cutting myself. My hands shake, and I spend far too long, staring at the block of knives on the counter. Long enough that I scare myself.
I grab my purse and head out of the apartment. I have no idea where I”m going, only that I cannot stay here alone. In my haste to leave, I neglect to leave a note, something I think of on my way out the door, but don”t turn around to correct. My phone is in my bag, and that will have to be good enough.
The neighborhood our apartment building is in is fairly quiet. There are a lot of parks that are in the surrounding area. It”s getting dark outside, but it”s not completely dark yet, so I still feel comfortable enough to walk up to one of the parks with a view of more of the city.
My purse is one of those crossbody types, and I have it slung around my neck over one shoulder. I barely notice it as I hike up the small hill to the park. Halfway up the sky opens and it starts to rain, not a light drizzle like it usually does in the summer, but a heavy spring type of rain. I toss my head back, hold my arms out to the side, and let the rain fall down on me, soaking me to the core. My thin T-shirt clings to my body, and my jeans become somewhat uncomfortable, but in a way that discomfort soothes me. I continue up to the park and find a bench where I can sit and let the rain reset my mood.
Sitting here getting soaked is the first time tonight I feel like I can breathe. I pull my knees up to my chest, rest my chin on top of them, and stare off at the city as the sun goes down, and the lights slowly flicker on. I”m aware that time is passing but not really concerned with how much of it is going by, just that I finally have a moment of peace.