Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
“Siloh, please be quiet; we’re getting to the good part.” I shoot Siloh a look. She’s my stuffed cat, and she’s always causing problems. All of my stuffed animals are lined up in a semicircle around me as I read, and Siloh is tipped over. Again.
I sigh, fixing her as I get back to my book. We’re just getting to the part where the girl jumps on the back of the bad guy and hits him until he runs away. Onyx, my dog, is quiet in my arms. She’s such a good dog.
I wish she were real. I’d take care of her if she were real. I got every book on dogs that the library had. I’d be her best friend. I am her best friend, but I’d be her real best friend.
Suddenly, the garage door grinds. For a second, I just stare at my book, then I realize what that means.
Dad’s home.
I dart to my feet. He’s back, and I forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer.
I race to the kitchen, turn on the hot water, and shove the pack of chicken thighs under it. Dad asked me to do this a few times before he left, but I got distracted with my book. It was a book my old friend Kimmy gave me before my dad said I couldn’t go to the homeschool group anymore.
I should have remembered to take the chicken out. Mom leaves every week for her Bunco game, and every week, I’m in charge of dinner.
I hiss as I test the water, which is now hot, and I put the chicken under the stream. Dad is going to be so mad, which makes me want to both run and punch something at the same time, but instead of doing that, I freeze.
It’s never good when Dad’s mad.
Poking the chicken, I feel how frozen it still is when Dad’s steps sound right outside the door. I turn, darting to the living room and sitting on the couch. At the last minute, I realize that I left the water on. But there’s no time.
Dad comes in, carrying his lunch bag and coat. His cheeks are pink, and immediately, I know he’s happy. His cheeks are always pink when he’s happy.
Dad just dumps his stuff, moving to the bathroom.
As soon as the bathroom door shuts, I feel an odd pause.
Did he… forget? Sometimes Dad forgets when he’s drinking his adult coffee.
He says it makes him want to throw himself off a bridge less, and he needs it every day.
But I don’t like it. He’s not as nice when he’s drinking it, even though he says it helps.
Darting up, I turn off the water and hesitate, unsure where to put the chicken. I can’t put it back in the freezer, or he’ll really know. Or will he know if I leave it out?
I hear the toilet flush, and I dart past the bathroom to the stairs. Maybe if Dad doesn’t see me, he won’t remember.
I’m in the safety of my room for what feels like forever before I hear a bang and Dad says a bad word. Immediately, my whole body locks up.
I hope he doesn’t come up here. Please don’t come up here…
I hear the sound of him moving around, listening for the creak that the wood floor makes right by the bottom of the stairs.
Then, I hear it. The creak, and then the loud stomping and muttering.
I dart to my feet, unsure what to do or where to go. I feel stuck. Frozen.
Dad barges into my room, making the door slam into the wall and bounce back again, hitting him. Dad’s face is red. “You can’t do one thing?” The way he’s looking at me, I know he’s not all the way happy. His eyes don’t look like marbles, and he still looks tired.
I wish he were all the way happy.
But I’m a brave girl. I messed up.
I straighten, looking him in the eye. “I forgot.”
Dad blinks at me, then his fists clench, and he moves a step closer. “So you’re just disobeying, yeah?”
He looks so big, and some of my courage goes away. I’m angry and scared, and I don’t know what to do. I want to run, but I can’t make myself. “Sorry, I was reading and—”
The arm snaps out of nowhere. I forgot how fast Dad is. He snatches my shoulder up, gripping me so hard I let out a cry. I feel every one of his fingers digging into my shoulder.
“Why are you so disobedient, huh?” He shakes me, and my head snaps forward. I’m washed in sudden embarrassment at how weak I look. I’m not being strong. The girl in my book wouldn’t look like this.
“Please sto—”
Crack. I hear it before I feel it. Suddenly, there’s a warm wash over my eye, and behind it is an explosion of pain.
“... defy me… ” Dad is saying something, but I can’t hear it. My ear is ringing. Why is my ear ringing? And my face hurts so bad, I think I need to throw up.
“Please stop.” The tone is mocking, and my dad’s in my face, sneering. I blink, trying to see straight again.
“All day, all you do is sass me. I try to teach you how to obey. How to be a productive member of society. How do you ever expect to succeed if you’re like this?”
The pain that felt like when I stuck my hand on the stove now boils down to a throb, and I gasp at the relief between pulses.
“Please stop,” Dad laughs. “You did this to yourself. Now, what do you say?”
“S-s-sorry.” I realize that I’m crying. Why am I crying? But it’s only from one side. The side where the pain is coming from. My nose is leaking, too.
Then suddenly, Dad lets me go with a snort. I drop back on the bed, gripping the sheets, trying to keep the real tears in.
I’m wrapped up in that horrible feeling between staying strong and crying while Dad paces in front of me. I spot Onyx lying on her side, and with a rush, I realize she’s probably sad. She never likes it when Dad and I fight. I just want to give her a hug. I don’t want her to be sad.
Then, Dad stops. He takes a breath in, and in that silence, I try to breathe. Only, the breath comes in so loud, and it sounds like I’m hiccuping.
“Son of a bitch.”
I tense, and then Dad is there, sitting on the bed next to me.
“Fuck, I try so hard to help you.” Suddenly, his arms are around me, and he wraps me in a tight hug.
We sit there for a long time, me angry and stiff, and him just holding me.
But as time passes, my back bends over, and my fingers on the bedspread let go.
“Come here.” Dad pulls me in closer, and I don’t fight him. I’m so tired. So, so tired. It feels like that one time I stayed up all night.
“We’ll get through this,” Dad says, squeezing me once. “I do this because I love you.”
I swallow. What if he left marks on me? What if someone sees them?
“This is what love is. Forgiving each other and moving on.”
He squeezes tighter. “I love you, Celeste.”
I’m mad, but it feels like a distant haze. Dad still loves me. He may have been mad, but he still loves me. He’s going to be happy again.
“I forgive you. Okay?” Dad seems to wait for my response.
I don’t want to talk. My face still hurts, and I just want to sleep.
“Okay?” Dad asks again, a little louder.
“Okay,” I whisper.
“And?”
I stare at my pants, picking at a spot on them.
“Celeste.” There’s a note of warning in his voice.
“And I forgive you, too.”
“Good girl.” He kisses the top of my head. “Love you, baby bird.”