Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
Kira
Isit extra still, staring at the surprisingly delicious food that Celeste brought me, and have a quiet panic attack.
On the outside, I’m just staring, on the inside, I’m screaming.
Because I’m too scared to move, too scared to swallow wrong, too scared to take in a breath that’s even a fraction too deep in case my heart decides to finally give up.
The tear has a flap now. That’s how the doctor said it.
A flap trapping blood, starving parts of my heart of what it needs, turning the whole thing into a ticking problem.
They have to go in through my groin with a stent.
My groin. All the way up to my heart. I keep picturing it like a wire threading through me, a foreign thing traveling under my skin, and my stomach rolls hard enough that the smell of the food makes my throat tighten.
One tear escapes and rolls down my cheek as I try to concentrate on not freaking out. Gone is my desire to go to work, to get out of this stupid hospital gown, to tell Jax to put me on the ground floor.
I’m. Terrified.
But not for me. For Nix.
All I’ve been trying to do is protect her, but I’ve only made it worse.
She just told me that I can’t leave her alone, and here I am…
with a flappy heart scheduled to have a procedure.
My thoughts keep circling back to her face when she hugged me.
The way her voice cracked. I hate that I did that to her. I hate that I might keep doing it.
And I hate to admit it, but I’m thankful for Jax.
If it weren’t for him, I would probably be freaking out more than I am—anticipating the old guy with the shaky hands from the ER doing my procedure.
But the doctor that came in was the epitome of good health—able and competent, with none of the wear and tear you’d see from the doctors downstairs. He probably costs a fortune.
But I’ll gladly use up Jax’s money if it means I’ll live—if it keeps me from leaving behind Nix. I’ll stay in this hospital for as long as it takes.
I don’t like putting so much faith in Jax that he’ll handle everything, but I don’t have a choice. Like Nix said, none of it matters if I die.
“Oh, sorry.”
I look up to find Caleb poking his head in the door.
“I—sorry. I was just, uh, looking for Nix. I didn’t mean to—”
“She’s probably in the cafeteria.” I cut him off to stop his rambling and quickly swipe the tear off my face.
“Yeah.” He nods. “Yeah. I’ll go check.”
I give him a lame smile and a wave, content to go back to wallowing, but he continues to hover in the doorway like a dog, unsure if it wants to come inside or not.
“Are you…” he takes a timid step in, “are you okay?”
“Wonderful,” I scoff pitifully. “Just fucking wonderful.”
“Do you, um, want to—”
“How does Nix seem?”
“Oh. She’s okay, I guess.”
“Okay?”
He frowns, looking over his shoulder, and then steps all the way in, shutting the door behind him.
He’s wearing what I would assume are supposed to be trendy jeans but looks like he would be more comfortable in slacks.
There’s also a slight redness around his right eye.
Is that new or from that bruise that was healing?
He ties his hands together and looks at the floor.
“Are you going to stay and get the procedure?” he asks.
I lower my brows and raise my arms. “What does it look like?”
“Right. Yeah. Well, then, yeah,” he tries to smile, “Nix will be okay.”
“So, you’re saying that she hasn’t been.” I shake my head, hating myself.
“No,” he rushes, hands lifting like he can physically take it back. “No. She’s just… she’s been worried about you. And that on top of… you know.” His voice drops on the last part like the room might be wired.
I roll my eyes even as they fill with tears. “Oh, I know.”
I haven’t even talked to her about what happened with Marshal.
She acts really tough, but she’s not, is she?
She just puts on a show like I do. Fuck, that whole night must have been horrific for her, and I didn’t even ask her if she wanted to talk about it.
God, I should put her in therapy. But that wouldn’t really be helpful, would it?
It’s not like she would be able to say what really happened.
Jesus, I’m failing her.
“But it’s not like, she’s like, she’s not having nightmares or anything.” Caleb’s words trip over each other again. “I mean, I had nightmares for months after the first time I killed…”
I sit up sharply. “You’ve killed someone?”
“Deer!” he blurts, hands up. “Just deer. And… and rabbits.” His face twists as he hangs his head. “I know it’s not the same thing, but—”
“Deer?” I eye him. His brother literally kills for a living. I wouldn’t put it past the kid to have fallen into the same life.
“Yeah. I mean, I’m not like a hunter or anything.
Or—I mean, I don’t want to be. But my dad, he makes us go on these trips, and the rabbits…
They aren’t even hurting anything, and we don’t even eat them, but he makes me shoot them.
And their little eyes. I don’t… I don’t like it.
But, like I said, I know it’s not the same thing. I just…” He trails off.
I let myself relax at the fact that he looks like he’s about to start crying over a rabbit. There’s no way he’s killed anyone. At least the sibling apple rolled far away from the tree here.
“Your dad makes you?” I grimace. “Have you tried telling him you don’t like it?”
He snorts. “That would only make it worse.”
I raise a brow.
“My dad’s not… he’s not really someone you say no to.”
“Huh.” I flop back against the pillows and stare at the ceiling for a second, my mind doing the math. “Must be where Jax gets it from.”
I bet Jax likes to hunt, probably enjoys the kill. God, I really hope I’m not making a mistake staying here on his dime. And I really hope his idea of ‘handling’ things doesn’t involve any more deaths. Not that… not that Nellie was really his fault.
As much as I want it to be.
“No.” Caleb’s tone shifts. The word comes out quiet and cold in a way that doesn’t match his face, and it makes the hairs on my arms lift. “Jax isn’t anything like James.”
I slowly open my eyes to find him staring blankly.
“Jax would never do what James does.” The words are detached and cold, and he blinks, like he realizes he just said that out loud. He scratches the back of his neck. “Sorry. That was… intense. I just meant… Jax isn’t like our dad.”
I sit up carefully, curiosity and unease mixing in my stomach. “How so?”
He shrugs in a way that his shoulders seem to hunch inward. “Jax doesn’t expect me to be something I’m not. He looks out for me. It’s been easier since he’s come back.”
“Jax?” I ask in disbelief. “Making something easier?”
“I think you have a bad image of him.”
I raise both brows. I don’t think I need to say that killing people would give anyone a bad image.
“I mean, yeah…” He reads my face. “I get where you’re coming from, but it’s not always black and white. Like it isn’t black and white with what Nix did.”
“That was self-defense.”
“And Jax doing what he does is self-defense too… in a way. If he doesn’t do what James wants…”
“Your dad makes Jax…?” My mind spins. I knew Mr. Landon was a lawyer. Everyone knew that in high school, but I didn’t know he was some sort of… dirty lawyer? “But Jax could just tell your dad to get fucked. Jax chooses—”
“You don’t say no to James,” he cuts me off with a sigh and toes the floor with the tip of his shoe, “like I said. But if it’s worth anything, I think if it wasn’t for James, Jax would be a really good lawyer.
You know, that’s what he went to Columbia for.
He still reads legal stuff, stays up to date on new laws.
I think that if he had a choice, he would much rather be in a courtroom. ” Caleb glances up at me.
I don’t know what to do with that. My brain tries to picture Jax in a courtroom, not as the accused, but wearing a suit and calmly picking apart a witness with those razor-sharp eyes. I can see it, but I also can’t. I knew that’s what he went to college for, but I thought he chose a different life.
“Seriously?” I ask, trying not to sound too skeptical.
Caleb nods. “Yeah. He says if you want to survive in a world like ours, you have to know the rules better than the people who wrote them.” His voice gets a little quieter.
“He told me once that it’s not about breaking the law.
It’s about knowing how to twist it until it snaps around someone else’s neck instead of yours. ”
Now that sounds a lot more like the Jax I know.