Chapter 25 The Death Sentence
THE DEATH SENTENCE
DAMON
I thought this would help. I thought this would close the wound. But I’m bleeding out. Pint by pint, I’m disappearing. The pastor’s sermon muffles near my consciousness, but I don’t hear a word he says. Dead. They’re all dead.
Why did I come here? Why did we do this?
My gaze floats from one headstone to the next.
My father, my mother, my sister. Alison.
Four souls. Four lives that ended far too early.
My fault. Always my fucking fault. If only I didn’t rent that helicopter.
If only I didn’t get into that fucking car.
They weren’t perfect, but God, they were better than me. Everyone is better than me.
It’s all a farce. It’s all bullshit. I try and I try to be a better person, but there’s an evil inside of me.
I can’t hide from it. It’s so angry. It’s so fucking vengeful.
No matter how hard I try to suffocate its fearmongering, no matter how hard I try to rip its tainted claw from my flesh, my bones, my goddamn heart, it comes back like a malignant cancer that’s immune to radiation.
That’s what I am. Malignant. I spread my evil onto those around me.
Slowly, subtly, until it’s too late. Until they become too sick.
Until they die. I can’t do that to Emery.
I can’t do it to Quin. Not again. He’s already scarred from my actions, from my behavior, from my choices.
And the baby. Oh, the baby. It’s pure. Completely untainted by life and circumstance. By me.
For once in my life, I could do the right thing.
For once in my godforsaken life, I have the opportunity to save someone.
I could leave. I should leave. They could be a family.
A real family. It wouldn’t be complicated.
It wouldn’t be hard. It wouldn’t require hiding or fighting or hoping.
I could leave. I could leave them to live out my dream. And that’s what it is, a dream.
Who was I kidding? Me, as a father? As a dad? How ridiculous. How absurd. I shouldn’t raise a child. I shouldn’t even be in the same room as a child. They’re impressionable little sponges. And I’m the last thing a child should want to soak up.
I deserve to have my dreams shattered. I deserve to live with nothing. To be another headstone in the plot. I’m so tired. My body. My mind. My soul. Do I even have a fucking soul? Or did it die all those years ago?
I close my eyes, banishing the tears that threaten to drown me.
If I do have a soul, it’s not mine anymore. I gave it away. I gave it to someone who will keep it safe. Someone who will nurture it, who will nurse it back to health. I gave it to Emery. I gave her the last shard of my decency, of my goodness.
It’s hers.
And she can keep it. I don’t need it. Not where I’m going. Not where I’m destined to spend the rest of my days.
The pastor says, “Amen.”
For once, I don’t want to be selfish.
“Damon!” Quin calls after me as I turn on my heel and walk away. It’s time to walk away. “Damon! Wait! Where are you going?”
“Away,” I say, fishing my car keys out of my pocket as I refuse to look back. I can’t see her face. I can’t look into her eyes. It’ll break me. It’ll make me waver. “I’m going away, Quin.”
Quinton digs his nails into my shoulder as he grabs me, his expression tight. “Don’t you dare leave her, Cavanaugh. Not like this.”
“Get off me,” I growl, jerking away from him. The labyrinth of trees and mausoleums obscure Emery’s view of us, but I know she’s listening. I know she’s fighting the urge to run after me.
“You are not leaving her, Damon Cavanaugh.” Quin’s frame towers over mine as he glowers down at me, face paling. “You are not permitted to leave, do you understand? She needs you.”
My voice comes out quaking, fracturing with every heartbreaking emotion.
“No, Quin, she needs you. She needs someone she can lean on, someone who will always put her first. She needs someone who’s strong, Quin.
And I-I’m too broken. I’m…” My jaw clenches.
“I’m a liability, Quinton. Trust me, it’s better this way. ”
Fury dances across Quinton’s face. “Better? You think that abandoning Emery whilst she’s pregnant is better? Better for whom, Damon? You or her? Which one of you is running? Which one of you is giving up?” His voice rises. “Because it sure as hell is not Emery!”
I wanted to go quietly. I wanted to leave with an ounce of dignity. But if he won’t let me go, I’ll make him hate me.
“But she did, didn’t she?” I lift a knowing brow, tone laced with painted contempt. “She did run, and she ran to you. They all run to you. Take the victory, Quin. I’m done playing second best.”
“You’re a fool, Cavanaugh.” Quin shakes his head, scowling at me.
Good. Hate me. I need you to hate me. “She ran because she loved you. She ran because she didn’t want to hurt you.
Because she knew if you ever found out what you did, the role you had in Alison’s death, you'd never recover. You’d never forgive yourself.
That’s why she ran. Not because she didn’t want you but because she loved you more than she wanted you. ”
My heart clenches, pain pulsing in my chest as I spit more lies, more venom. Anything to make him stop. Anything to make him give up.
“Well, I don’t want her. Not anymore. Not like this. I told you I don’t share, and I don’t. This was a mistake. We never should have—”
Quin grabs me by the collar, seething. “I know what you’re trying to do, Damon. And it won’t work. Do you know why? Because I know you. Because I’ve known you since we were kids. Running away won’t solve anything, Damon. And that’s what you’re doing, you’re running.”
“Let go of me,” I grunt, nearly crumbling under the facade.
“Or what? You’ll punch me?” Quin releases his hold on my collar and drops his hands to the side.
He angles his chin toward me. “Do it, Damon. Hit me. Show me how much you hate me. Because you do, right? Hate me? You don’t like to share, and I’ve forced your hand.
So, you must hate me. Hit me, Damon. If you hate me so fucking much then hit me. ”
My hand shakes as I curl it into a fist and wind back my arm. My entire body trembles, the expression on my face nowhere near as convincing as it needs to be. “I hate you.” It comes out in a broken whisper. “I—”
“Idiot.” Quin sighs and reaches out, cocooning my immobile fist with his palm. His blue eyes meet mine as the warmth from his hold seeps into my icy skin. “You used to be a better liar, Cavanaugh.”
“Please… Just let me leave.” Pathetic. I am so fucking pathetic. “I can’t be there, Quin. I can’t.”
“Yes, you can, Damon. You can stay, but you’re choosing to leave.
Do you think leaving is the noble thing to do?
Do you think leaving makes you brave? Selfless?
Leaving is easy, Damon. Staying… Staying is hard.
If you want to prove to Emery that you’re selfless then stay.
She needs you to stay. The baby needs you to stay. Be selfless and fucking stay.”
Silence envelops us. He’s wrong. He doesn’t understand.
He doesn’t see the chaos my presence will inevitably create.
Like a hurricane. A tornado. I’ll destroy everything in my path.
I always do. I could only play house for so long.
I could only pretend that I was cured and healed and optimistic for so long.
I need Emery to live. I need her to survive.
I need the baby to survive. Our baby must survive.
And they will. If I leave, they’ll both live.
My love is a death sentence, and I refuse to watch Emery perish under the guillotine of my selfishness.
“If you need time, Damon, take it,” Quin says. “If time is what you need, I will let you go, but I won’t let you leave. Do you understand me? I will not let you leave us.”
“You loved her too.” My gaze is distant. “How can you stand there and tell me to stay when you loved her too?”
Quin swallows. “Because I loved you more, Damon. You were troubled and tortured and toxic, but I loved you. You were my friend before I loved her, you were my friend while I loved her, and you were still my friend after that love faded.”
My teeth clench. “It didn't fade. I broke it.”
“Real love isn’t breakable, mate. If you were able to break it, it’s because it was never very strong to begin with. And that’s not the type of love I want. Nor the type I deserve.”
“I hated you.” The earth beneath my feet trembles as I dare look up at him. “For years, I hated you.”
“And yet, I still loved you. I didn’t like you.
But I loved you. And I will continue to love you, Damon.
And so will Emery. And that love will never fade.
It’s not weak because we’re not weak.” Quin steps off to the side and tilts his head in the direction of the exit.
“You may go, Damon, but the way we feel will never fade.” He pauses, latching onto my weary eyes.
“You made a mistake, Damon. A grave one but a mistake. And I know you.” He shoves a stiff finger at my chest. “I know you, Damon, and I know you would never purposely do something to hurt the people you love. It was a mistake… And I-I forgive you. I don’t know how many times I need to say this, but I forgive you. ”
As I stand surrounded by headstones and wilting red roses, a sense of eerie familiarity pricks at my heart.
I belong here. With death. It follows me.
Like a ghost of the past. Every corner I turn, it’s there.
Every room I enter, it breaks down the bolted door.
I can’t hide from it. I can’t outrun it.
I’ve tried. God, I’ve tried. But I feel it.
Festering inside me. Waiting. Lurking in the shadows.
Counting the minutes until it sinks its fangs into someone else. Someone I love.
Quinton doesn’t understand. He’ll never understand.
Death isn’t his keeper. Death isn’t infatuated with his soul.
And Emery… Emery used to understand the darkness that dwells inside me.
She used to hide from the same sense of torment and unrest. But not anymore.
And Christ, I am so fucking relieved. I am so grateful that she escaped, that she fled the shadows and ran straight into the light.
She looks so goddamn beautiful in the light.
She glows. She fucking glimmers in the hope of it all.
Emery ran without hesitation. She ran with trust and confidence and certainty.
She ran because she had help. She ran because of her heart.
Alison’s heart. She heard its whispers. She felt its magic.
But that was her rescue. Not mine. I hear nothing but sobs.
But screams. I feel nothing but pain. Nothing but longing.
Emery ran toward something. My feet won’t carry me in that direction.
It’s a path I was never meant to walk. I am not worthy of such a road.
I will never be worthy of that road.
“Take care of her, Quin.”
And I quietly leave my dream behind.