26. Hayat
Chapter Twenty-Six
Hayat
I could see steam coming out of Maddie’s ears, but that was nothing to the flames I could feel burning my face from my own anger. I loved this girl. She was one of my closest friends, my stepcousin. We were family. I had her back. And I’d thought she had mine.
Finding out Ky was Kyrie Renchford had sent me spiraling for a little while. Terrified I would hurt her. That she would fall into that empty space where she’d wanted to end her own life. I’d tried to set my own feelings aside to protect her, when in reality, there was no need. Ky had made peace with Maddie and her entire immediate family. Possibly even Pop-Pop and Nana. Which also meant that she and the others had known that Kyrie was now Ky Carver. That was a private matter, I understood that, but it would have been nice to have known while I was tripping over my own heartstrings because I’d let Ky fuck me.
But this was something else entirely. Her social media plan was to exclude me and, from the looks of it, Jamie and Sparks as much as possible to focus solely on Ky.
I couldn’t help wondering if she’d made that plan to get closer to Ky.
Then there was that bigger pile of shit she’d thrown right in my face. Whether she was joking about my messing with Autumn’s Slumber’s popularity, I wasn’t sure. Her tone would have sounded teasing to an outsider, but I knew her too well. She was being a total bitch about it.
Switching my gaze to Sparks, then Jamie, and finally Ky, I smiled, but it felt strained, almost brittle. Like I might break at any moment. And, in all honesty, I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t. “I’m going to see Uncle Shane. Alone. Jamie, you stay here and listen to Maddie’s amazing plans for all of you. I’ll introduce you to my uncle later. Right now, I need a moment to clear my head. When I get back, someone other than Maddie will be handling Autumn’s Slumber’s social media accounts.”
Jamie grasped my hand, his eyes turning into those earnest, sweet, puppy-dog eyes that I loved. “No, baby. I’ll come with you.”
“I’m sorry,” I told him in a voice that was tight with so many suppressed emotions, it physically hurt to speak. “I just need a little breather. I’m okay. Really.”
“Hayat, you’re being ridiculous. I’ve got everything already mapped out. You just need to sit down and listen.” Maddie huffed dramatically. “Look, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings just now. But you know Havoc has caused a stir. And that’s going to become an issue for the rest of the band. If we aren’t careful, it could do some real damage. All the attention will be on you and not the talents of the others, especially Ky.”
Funny how that wasn’t something anyone else had mentioned to me since I’d won the audition. If I was going to be so much trouble for a band Emmie Armstrong was representing, wouldn’t she have already informed me and been on top of that craziness? She would have been all over my ass to get it worked out, do an interview for one of Aunt Harper’s magazines. Make me go live on TikTok to address it. Something. But not wait for Maddie, who was only starting to get her feet wet in the business, to tell me how much trouble I would cause a band that had so much potential.
Instead, Aunt Emmie had emailed me, saying we needed to use this new turn of events with Havoc being unveiled to our advantage to promote the band.
“Sparks, do you think Havoc will cause issues with Autumn’s Slumber?” I asked, not looking at him.
“No, goddess.” His words caressed me, trying to soothe, but my heart hurt too badly for it to heal.
“What about you, Jamie? Will my being the band’s drummer cause problems for you? Do you think I’m going to overshadow anyone? That I’ll harm Autumn’s Slumber in any way?”
“Fuck no, Hellion. After your audition, I can’t see us being whole without you with us now.”
Swallowing around the thick lump in my throat, I didn’t look at Ky. I couldn’t and wouldn’t break down, and I refused to shed a single tear over anyone today. “And you?” I murmured. “What do you say, Ky? Is my presence in your band going to ruin anything?”
“Fuck,” he groaned, scrubbing a hand over his face in frustration. “Hayat…”
I willed myself not to cry, to not even change the way I was breathing so he wouldn’t know how his hesitation hurt. How it fucking killed a piece of me. That first blow Saturday had knocked me back a few steps, but it sure as hell hadn’t taught me any valuable lessons. That much was apparent. This one, the way his voice was full of uncertainty, like he was considering Maddie’s words and agreeing with them, opened a wound in me that I didn’t think could ever be healed.
And he still hadn’t said anything past my name. I counted the seconds that turned into a full minute before moving. “Someone should call Atticus. He won’t ruin anything for Autumn’s Slumber.”
Keep it together. Keep it together. Keep it the fuck together.
I chanted over and over in my head as I turned and walked back to the elevator. Cocking a brow at the two guards standing on either side, I garbled out, “Studio. Now,” and one of them jumped into action to unlock the door and the floor I needed access to.
“Hayat!” Ky yelled behind me. “Wait.”
He wanted me to wait, yet I didn’t hear him coming after me. Did he expect me to be the one to come to him? After he’d destroyed me not once, but twice now?
Fuck him.
“Goddess, wait for us. We’ll come with you.” Sparks sounded pissed, and I could hear stomping feet behind me.
“Babe, let’s just leave.” Jamie, my sweet boy, had a note in his tone that made me feel protected. Why did I ever think he was a golden retriever? He was my cute, cuddly, vicious pit bull. And I loved him so fucking much. All of them. Jamie, Sparks, and— God, why do you hate me so much —Ky.
“Hurry. Hurry. Hurry,” I begged the guards.
Keeping my back turned to the doors, I whispered a choked “Thank you” when they closed before any of the guys could reach me.
Let them go talk to Maddie. Let her convince them to focus on Ky and drown out the others in the band. Did Aunt Trinity know her stepdaughter was trying to Yoko Ono my band?
Not my band any longer.
I would only ruin it.
Hurt them.
They needed someone else.
Someone who wouldn’t pull all the attention away from the others.
It didn’t take long before the elevator doors opened again. Yet another pair of security guards were waiting there. I stepped through the doors, fighting my tears for all I was worth. “Shane?” I rasped.
Recognizing me, one of them pointed toward a door I knew well. He was in the studio. Whether he was working on music already recorded or with a band to lay down tracks, I didn’t know, and I really didn’t care. My fingers fumbled opening the door, and then I walked in and carefully shut the thick door behind me just as the first tear spilled free.
Shane Stevenson sat in front of a sound board that looked like something from a sci-fi movie. But when I entered, he jerked his head up, his blue-gray eyes turning on me with an angry glare. Seeing me, he jumped up out of his seat, crossing the distance to the door and wrapping me in his arms.
“Hayat, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Cupping my tear-soaked face in his hands, he tried to brush away the curls that were sticking to my cheeks. “Honey, why are you crying?”
Of course he was worried. How often did I cry?
Well, recently, it had been at least once a day. But before meeting my rockers, it had been a rare occasion. I let things roll off my back. Amusement and anger were the primary emotions that I allowed through. Tears had no place in my busy life. What the fuck did I have to be sad about anyway?
Nothing.
Until I met Autumn’s Slumber.
“I-I…” I didn’t know what to say. Or do.
I could not go back to the floor where my guys where—two guys who were mine, and the other…
I didn’t know who he belonged to.
Fuck him.
He could be whoever’s.
I didn’t need him.
And Sparks and Jamie?
I would just be ruining things for them. Their friendship with Ky. Their band. Autumn’s Slumber was the three of them. It didn’t matter who their drummer was. But it was very obvious that it shouldn’t, couldn’t—fucking would not—be me.
“Poppy,” I whispered. “I want Poppy.”
Uncle Shane kissed my temple and guided me over to one of the rolling chairs in front of his spaceship board of buttons and dials. Thankfully, no one was in the recording studio next door, or they would have seen me sobbing and snotting all over the place through the thick window of the soundproof room.
Through my crying, I heard some of what Uncle Shane said. “…showed up. In the studio… No fucking clue what’s wrong… All she says is she wants you… You’re here? Thank fuck, bro. Get down here. ASAP.”
Tossing the phone in the other chair, Uncle Shane knelt down and took my hands in both of his. “Jesse is on his way, babycakes. Don’t you worry. Your poppy will be here to take care of everything.”
All I could do was nod, not bothering to wipe my drenched cheeks or the snot bubbling out of one nostril. Gross. My guys would have probably puked at the sight of me like that. And that only made me cry harder.
Through blurry eyes, I saw Shane’s face morph into something scary. “I need you to tell me if someone hurt you in any way, Hayat.”
I shook my head, slinging tears and who knew what in the process.
“You’re not bruised or bleeding?” Again with the vehemently shaken head. “Did you bump your head? Anything broken or swollen?”
Only my heart.
“N-no,” I whispered just as the door opened.
Tensing because I was half expecting one of my rockers, I was able to release a relieved breath when Poppy stormed in. His eyes rapidly swirled from one shade of brown to another, a comforting sight in the middle of my emotional, chaotic breakdown.
“I fucked up,” I whispered, looking up at the one man I knew would never judge me. Who, if it was possible, would make anything better if it meant I was happy. But I knew that not all things were possible. And this thing, with my three rockers? When only two of them truly wanted me?
Impossible.
Poppy flipped the lock on the door and then crossed to me in quick strides of his long legs. Bending made him grimace, because his knees weren’t as great as they used to be. But his callused hands were tender as they tucked my tear-dampened hair behind my ears, his swirling brown eyes full of wrath and love and all the terrible things he was going to do to whoever had caused my tears.
“Tell me everything, Hayat. I’ll fix it,” he promised, just like I knew he would.
“I fell in love,” I choked out, and his eyes widened. “But I shouldn’t love them, right?”
Some of the brown of his eyes softened. “ Them , meaning more than one person, precious?”
Using the sleeve of my hoodie, I wiped it over my nose and cheeks, smearing away the snot and tears. “Autumn’s Slumber.”
“The new band we’re signing?” Shane asked from somewhere, but all I could see was my poppy.
“She’s their drummer,” Poppy told him.
“W-w-was,” I corrected. “I was the drummer. Ky doesn’t want me. And Maddie…” Another sob tore from my chest, making my entire body ache. “Maddie said I’ll mess it all up. It will be my fault. So Ky doesn’t want me. I-I don’t think he ever really did.”
Wiping his thumb under my right eye, Poppy lifted a brow. “And he said that? This Ky idiot, he told you he didn’t want you?”
“I don’t wanna talk about him,” I rasped, my throat on fire from all the crying and sobbing. “I’m gonna have to leave Sparks and Jamie. I can’t take them away from Ky. Or Autumn’s Slumber. It’s better if they get Atticus to replace me. He won’t mess with their popularity. They won’t have to worry if fans love them because of their music or because of me. Atticus won’t cause the drama that I do. He won’t hurt their following. I’ll just mess it up for them. And they deserve a chance. I-it’s okay. I don’t want to fuck it up for them any more than I already have.”
“Hayat—”
“I thought I found where I was supposed to be, Poppy,” I told my grandfather, trying to smile through the pain and tears. “I thought I’d found my home. With them. All three of them. They each… They made me love them. And I can’t have them. Or the band. Because Havoc will fuck it all up.”
“You love them,” Poppy repeated quietly. “These three rockers of Autumn’s Slumber, the same band that is going to be working at your dad’s club for the next year.”
“Sparks and Jamie, I love them. Yeah. They’re great. Sweet and kind of adorable at times. And just so damn lovable. Jamie’s like this pit bull. You know how vicious they can be, Poppy? Well, they aren’t really. And they protect the people they care about. And Sparks, he had it rough growing up, but he didn’t let that change his heart. He was grumpy at first, but then I got to know him a little, and he took such good care of me.” I sniffled, my head starting to throb. “I shouldn’t love Ky. He’s an asshole. He agrees with Maddie that I’ll mess everything up. But…”
I pressed my fist to my chest, my vision blurring again as giant tears spilled down my cheeks. “Why isn’t there an off button, Poppy? Why do I still love him, even though I know I shouldn’t? Even after he already showed me that I was stupid to trust him with my heart. Why won’t it stop? It hurts. It hurts so bad.”