Chapter 39
Chapter thirty-nine
Princess
Becky
My Dearest Remi,
I’m so happy.
I see him every day, and every day is better than the last.
He’s opening up. Talking more, and I am too.
He keeps the portrait I drew of him on his desk. I told him all about you. About how you used to draw too. How you were even better than me. How every animal loved you like you were one of those Disney princesses.
I told him that someday I’m going to have a daughter, and her middle name will be yours.
That was kind of embarrassing. Talking about kids with him, but Carrson says children are the most important part of The Order. That the most important members have children and they’re raised in a certain way, like they’re trained and tested.
He wouldn’t tell me everything, and I think there’s stuff he doesn’t know, but for a minute it felt like we were talking about our kids, ones we might have if we stick together.
I hope we do.
The only bad thing is the thing I want to talk to you about.
It’s you.
Sometimes I get caught up in this life, and it’s not that I forget about you, but I’m not thinking of you and then I do and I feel guilty. So bad. Because I’m out here living and you’re down there. In the ground.
I used to want to be with you, but now I want him and I don’t know what that says about me. I worry you’re mad at me, even though that’s not who you were. I worry I’m already breaking the promises I made you, but I’m not. I won’t. I just need time.
I still miss you, but would it be all right if I didn’t write quite so often?
Would you still love me if I let go, a little?
Love always,
Becky