Chapter 16
16
KILLIAN
S he wants her own room.
I thought our talk earlier went all right. She didn’t put up a fight when I said she needed to stay with me. That surprised me.
In a show of good faith, I followed the rules and waited in her dorm’s lobby as she packed instead of going in. I just had her keep the door open, so I could see her moving around. But that was more because I like to watch her than because I expected her to climb out her little window.
On the drive back, though, she hits me with wanting her own bedroom. One that’s got a door.
Looking at Raine’s determined face, I resist the urge to force her to share mine. It’s counter to the mission. Instead, I offer to show her Jamie’s, which is the only one she hasn’t seen, so she can choose whichever bedroom she wants.
She stares at me like I’ve said I’m going to kill him to give it to her. “Killian, I can’t take one of the other guys’ rooms. I was thinking I could set up in the media room. ”
“No.” We use the media room for streaming and gaming. If she stayed there, the other guys would have an excuse to go in. “You’ll take my bed, and I’ll sleep in the living room.”
I can see she wants to argue, but she resists with a bite of her lip. “Fine.” Her tongue snakes out to soothe over the teeth marks.
I’m about to put her tongue to better use when she yawns, reminding me of what little sleep she’s had and why.
“When we get back, take a nap.” I wince, realizing I didn’t soften my tone. Fortunately, Raine is either too used to my ways or too tired to care.
“I am exhausted.”
An hour later, I’m finishing homework in the living room area that’s closest to the kitchen when Jamie comes downstairs. My gaze slides in the direction of the hall leading to the bedroom where Raine is sleeping.
He sits across from me with a smile that makes my eyes narrow. “So, listen, mate. War filled me in on Operation Stockholm Syndrome. I’m on board. I’ll help you.”
I scowl. “Who says I need your help?”
“Anyone who’s ever met you,” Jamie quips with a cock of his brow.
“Stop talking, so I can lay something out for you.”
He leans back, folding his arms across his chest. “Sure, as long as you stop talking to me like I’m the fucking enemy. Ever since she got here, you’ve regressed to the way you acted the first day of training. Which is bollocks. The three of us have sweated, bled, and killed together. Considering your fucking mistake caused this mess and we’re just trying to help you clean it up, you could try being less of a twat.”
I’ve never seen him look angry. It’s interesting.
“Noted,” I say.
He stares at me for a beat, and the anger dissolves from his expression, leaving him looking like himself again. “Right. So, tell me what you wanted to say.” His tone is still humorless at the moment, so not totally back to normal .
I close my laptop. “When we came ashore this morning, you were holding her by the arm. Don’t do that again. Ever.”
“Are you serious?” He spits the words out like venom. “I wasn’t trying to feel her up. Grabbing her was mission-critical. And I’ll do it again if I have to. When you’re not around to take her in hand, War or I will have to do it.”
“No.” I give him a look so hard, diamonds would be jealous. “I don’t like the touching, period.”
“You mean anything? Platonic included?” When I’m silent, he adds incredulously, “You don’t even like it when her mum or dad gives her a hug?”
“There’s no mom. But yeah, that’s what I mean. I want everyone to keep their fucking hands off.”
“Mate, you’re mental. What is there to get jealous about when it’s her dad or best friend giving a hug?”
“I don’t like it.”
He looks at me like I’m crazy, which… Not an inaccurate way of characterizing my behavior, according to the experts.
“All right. Look, I’ll do my best.” His tone is resigned. “But I may slip, strictly unintentionally. I must’ve touched you dozens of times during training. They stuck us in that hole where we were wedged together. Surprised you didn’t have a meltdown.”
“If it’s me, I don’t care. But when it’s her… no. No one gets close to her but me.”
“Got it. Remind me if I forget.”
“Oh, I will.”
He laughs. “Settled. Now, listen, the first thing to do in this situation is to start asking her questions to find out what things matter to her. Stuff she likes and doesn’t like?—”
“I already know that.”
He raises an eyebrow, as though he thinks I’m lying.
Snapping my fingers impatiently, I nod. “Try me.”
“Fine. What’s her favorite movie?”
I run down all the movies she’s given thumbs-up to in the order of how many times she’s watched them. Then, I list all the movies she’s watched multiple times for research for her film degree. Then, I start to list her favorite television series based on favorited episodes, and he stops me.
“Fuck me.” He leans back with raised eyebrows. “When War said you’ve been stalking her, he didn’t give you nearly enough credit. MI6 knows less about confirmed terrorists.” He shakes his head and shrugs. “All right, mate. It’s on. We can put together a playbook with this. But whatever you do, if she asks why you’ve decided to take her to a late night showing of her favorite movie, do not tell her it’s because she’s watched it eighteen times and you thought she’d like to make it nineteen. Girls would consider that some effed up shit. No offense.”
I don’t take offense at that. But it rubs me the wrong way that he thinks he knows how Raine will react to something better than I do. “Just email me your ideas. I’ll decide what I want to do.”
“Sure.” He stands, looking somewhat annoyed. “Killian, you know how you compare the three of us on our skills?”
“Sure.”
“You said you’ve fucked what, a dozen women? And have had zero girlfriends? I’ve fucked about fifty and have had a dozen girlfriends. Not one of those girls ended things. I did. So, for this, I’m ranked first. No question.”
“Yeah, but Raine’s different from other girls.”
“Is she?” He sounds skeptical again, which causes me to roll my eyes. “Just remember everything is riding on this. The fate of all three of us. So, if you start to fucking flounder, you better call out so I can throw you an oar.”
“Not gonna happen, but yeah.”
“And, Killian, you’re welcome.” As he stalks to the stairs, he mutters, “Ungrateful fuck.”
For some reason, that makes me laugh.
RAINE
When I wake in the middle of the night, Killian’s in the room, sitting in a chair in the corner, wearing earbuds as he works on his computer.
I roll onto my side to glare at him. “What are you doing?” I point toward the door and the general direction of the living room where he promised to sleep. “Go to bed.”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“Because you weren’t comfortable? Do you want your bed back?” My tone is annoyed because I’m tired.
“No, not uncomfortable. Just couldn’t sleep.”
I sigh. “You’re not keeping watch, are you? Because you’re worried one of the other guys will come in?”
“No. They won’t.” He closes his laptop screen and stands. “You know when I slept really well? Yesterday, when you and I were in the same bed.”
“That always leads to things… and I don’t want to.” It’s a lie. Or partially true, but only because I’m sleepy. It’s actually surprising he stayed in the chair. In the past, he just climbed in bed without permission.
“There doesn’t have to be sex. Let me sleep with you, and I’ll prove it.” He approaches the foot of the bed. “Move over.”
Being relentless is one of his defining characteristics, and I’m too exhausted to fight. “Promise we’ll just sleep?”
“Yes.” He pulls off his shirt, and I frown.
“Why do you have to take your shirt off?”
“If you bump into me, I want to feel it on my skin.”
“You’re really…” I shake my head.
When he starts to climb into the space near the wall, I hold out a hand and move that way myself.
“Can you sleep on the outside, so I can be by the wall?”
“Yeah. Why?”
My face is half buried in one of the pillows. “You wouldn’t understand.”
He climbs in bed, sticking to his side, as if that will prove he has good intentions. Which I know he doesn’t.
“Why wouldn’t I get it?”
“Go to sleep, Killian. ”
“I will,” he says, his voice resolute. “After you tell me.”
This is a tone I know well. Using it means no matter how much I resist, he’ll make me give in.
I huff and slap his arm. Then my hand slips and lands on his side, where his skin is smooth over his muscles. “Having your shirt off already got you what you wanted. Happy?”
“Yeah, actually. Now about the wall, why?”
“I had a nightmare… If I’m on the inside, I’ll feel safer. Since you’re here, you might as well do me some good.”
“You’re safe here, Raine. No one’s going to hurt you.”
After a few moments of silence, I say, “You don’t get nightmares and wake up scared, right? So, you couldn’t understand it.”
“I have dark dreams. Not sure if they’re nightmares. They don’t scare me. Maybe they did a long time ago.”
“When you were a little boy?”
“Yeah. That kid was a rabbit. Weak.”
“Everyone’s weak when they’re small, Killian. Who called you?—?”
He cuts me off before I can finish my question. His voice is terse, maybe even a little defensive. “I don’t remember much about that time.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
I think there’s a lot he remembers but refuses to share. And I think it would be better if he told someone. My fingers squeeze his forearm in a silent gesture of support.
“If you wanted to talk to a professional, my dad would be happy to listen.”
“No.”
I slide my hand under my pillow. “Or you can tell me about it, Killian. Even if it’s bad.”
“There’s nothing to tell.” He looks over his shoulder at me. “But I’ll make something up if you go back to stroking my arm.”
“I wasn’t stroking it,” I say impatiently. “Can you really not differentiate between a platonic gesture and something else?”
“I guess not. But I can tell the difference between a touch from you and everyone else. ”
He probably doesn’t realize that’s a sweet thing to say, but it hits me just the right way and my tiredness gives way to an even deeper desire to really connect with him. It’s never clear whether changing my tone of voice with him makes a difference, but I make my voice soft when I say, “That’s something.”
“It’s not my choice. It just is what it is.”
A soft laugh bubbles out of me.
“What?”
“Nothing. I was trying to reach you, and it feels like a fail. As usual.”
His brows rise as his mouth forms a soft smirk. “What are you talking about? You can reach me whenever you want, Raine. That never changes.”
My fingers stretch toward him, but I pull them back just in time. No touching. Not even when his sociopath speak is accidentally charming.