Chapter 17
I sit next to Declan on the log and place the iris I just plucked behind his ear.
It’s finally spring. So the irises are just starting to bloom next to the creek.
I was so pumped when I saw the budding flowers starting to show—I’ve been waiting for them.
Declan tried to act all unbothered, like he usually does, when he first saw them bloom last year. But I saw it when we first walked up. The awe. The same one I saw when I first brought him here, but magnified.
A butterfly floats past his face as I take a moment to look at how the flower petals lay against his lavender hair.
“Pretty,” I murmur, taking a moment to adjust the flower so it sits just so.
He blushes and gets up, kicking at the dirt while he walks toward the creek. “You’re such a dork.”
“I’m the coolest person you hang out with.”
He throws me a coy look over his shoulder and then faces the water again. “You’re the only person I hang out with, so I guess by default, yes.”
I laugh as that glowy feeling takes up my chest.
It’s how I always feel when I’m with Declan.
It’s something that’s bigger than just a friendship. Sometimes it really feels like he’s the only real person I have in this world.
“How’s Carter?” he asks into the silence. His voice has that biting edge that only seems to happen when we talk about Carter. Because of that, I’ve stopped bringing him up.
It’s not like there’s anything crazy happening. We’ve been hooking up the past few months.
But it’s not serious. Well, it hasn’t been. But something happened the other day.
“Um, I think he wants to date. Like… only each other.”
At least, that’s what I think he wants. It wasn’t super clear.
We had just gotten each other off in his car. He was still coming down from the orgasm when he said, “That was so fucking good, bro. I want you to do that for me all the time.”
So… if I’m doing that for him all the time… isn’t that dating? What else could it mean?
Declan turns stiffly toward me. “What? Like boyfriends?”
I frown and shrug. “I think so. He wasn’t very specific.”
He rolls his eyes. Fucking hard. And turns back toward the water.
I find it really annoying. “What?” I ask, not trying to keep the irritation out of my voice.
He turns back around and levels me with an amused look. “Come on, Javi. Carter doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. He’s a fuckboy.” He pauses a moment. “Has he still not kissed you?”
Shame pours over my head. I tried to kiss him a few times and was rebuffed each time, which I shared with Declan before I stopped bringing up anything to do with Carter.
In truth, I’m not in love with Carter or anything. Our arrangement is casual and benefits us both. When he may or may not have suggested that we become exclusive, my exact thought was: Meh. Okay.
I collect how I want to phrase it. “Well—”
He scoffs and turns away again. “That’s a no.” He bends down to pick up a rock from the ground, weighing it in his hand before tossing it in the water, disturbing the surface. “I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure it’s a red flag when a guy refuses to kiss you.”
Anger floods my system as I stand up from the log. “Fuck you, Declan.”
He spins in my direction, stomping a few steps closer. “Fuck me? Fuck you, Javi. I’m just being honest with you. Do you even fucking like him?”
I look at his angry eyes and attempt to come up with a response, because yes just won’t come out of my mouth. “Um. Uh. I—”
He contorts his face, mocking me. “‘Um. Uh. I—’”
“Stop it.”
He keeps the glare on his face, but it slowly melts away until he takes a big sigh and rubs his hands down his face.
“I’m sorry. I just…” He takes a step closer and looks into my eyes.
“You’re a good person, Javi. And I think he might not be good enough for you.
But, I mean… what the fuck do I know? He’ll probably kiss you one day. Maybe he’s just struggling.”
I nod, calming myself and taking my seat on the log again. “What if I’m bad at it?”
“What?” he asks, taking a seat next to me.
“Kissing. I’ve only kissed girls.”
“Oh.” He waves his hand like it’s no big deal. “You’ll be fine.” He smiles and knocks his shoulder with mine. Except because he’s so much shorter, it’s him knocking into my bicep. “He’ll just be lucky to be kissing Javier Morales.”
“Can you kiss me, Declan?”
His eyes widen more than I’ve ever seen them. It makes the glittery black eyeshadow he’s wearing completely disappear from view. “Me?”
“Ya. We’re friends. I want to make sure I won’t be terrible for a guy.”
Even though I don’t quite understand how, part of me knows that’s a lie. I can’t pinpoint what the truth is exactly, but it’s not what I just told him.
He scrunches up his face in thought. “I don’t know. What if it fucks up what we have?”
“How could it?”
“I don’t know. Watch any fucking TV show or movie. It always seems to.”
“I don’t think it’ll change anything.”
He purses his lips and looks at the ground. “Okay. So you can see that kissing a guy is fine.”
I nod slowly and scoot closer to him.
He looks at the movement and then back at my face. “I’m the best friend that there’s ever been in the world.”
I breathe a small laugh through my nose. “Yes. You are.”
My hands cup his face. The skin is so soft there. I let my thumbs rub up and down his jawline while I look at every part of his face.
The sunlight hits the iris blossom behind his ear, casting shadows across his face. The eyeshadow’s glitter catches the sun too, sparkling in a new way each time he blinks. There’s five light brown freckles dotted on his nose. They’re so small. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed them before.
My eyes finally make it back to his gray ones. They’re different. There’s something scared in them. Declan’s never scared.
He swallows. It’s loud against the quiet sounds of nature around us. “Stop trying to be fucking romantic and kiss me.”
I close my eyes and lean in. I think he might too, because I’m surprised when I feel his lips much sooner than I thought.
It takes a moment for the shock to settle away, and then we both move our lips, opening our mouths and exploring.
Magic.
It’s fucking magic.
It’s life-changing and monumental and earth-shattering.
I don’t want it to stop. I want it to go on forever. I want to stay in this spot and eventually die kissing Declan Turner.
He pulls away first, immediately looking away and letting out a weird giggle as he pulls his face out of my hands. It makes the iris blossom fall out of his hair and to the ground. “Well, it wasn’t bad. So, now you know you won’t suck at it.”
He flicks his eyes up at me for some kind of confirmation. But I’m unable to do anything but gawk at him.
“Um, I should go,” he mutters.
He doesn’t even wait for me to say bye, getting up and speed-walking away.
My lips buzz. I lift my hand up and shakily touch them. The scent and taste of strawberries lingering in his absence.
Turns out that Declan was right. It did change things.
It changed everything.
I definitely don’t want Carter.