Chapter 31
Javi, Present
I stare angrily at Declan’s driveway, waiting for his car to show up.
I pretty much ran out of that dinner as soon as I could. Thankfully, my mom and Scott seem to be out somewhere, so I got to sulk in my rage up until now.
The moment that Gwen read that text from Carter on his phone, it’s like my brain shut down.
Why the fuck is he getting texts from Carter?
Is he fucking seeing him?
Am I about to get fucked over again?
I don’t know the exact answer to any of those questions, but all my mind will let me do is think of the worst possible answer.
I point my anger in a different direction, sliding my eyes across the street to that douche canoe’s Audi that’s sitting in his driveway. That fucking car. The interior of it seared into my mind.
Fuck him.
Fuck them both.
I look back at Declan’s empty driveway—Harold and Nancy’s car safely tucked away in the garage. The rest of the space waiting to be filled. And waiting. And waiting.
I can feel myself filling with more and more anxiety the longer I have to wait for him. I’m pretty sure that I rationally know that I’m the one working myself up. I don’t actually know that Declan is doing anything shady behind my back.
But it doesn’t seem to matter. All those thoughts and insecurities I worked so hard to hide away were released by one little text. And now they’re running free as fuck, slowly eating at my brain as I lurk in the dark by my window.
The minute I see his headlights swing into the driveway, I’m up and flying out the front door.
I stomp over around the hedges and put my toes right up against the edge of where his property starts.
He doesn’t see me yet, taking his time gathering his things out of his car before he slowly opens the door and gets out.
“Why did you do this again?” I blurt at his back as he starts walking toward his front door.
He stops and slowly turns toward me, an annoyed expression on his face. “I didn’t do anything. And certainly not again.”
Something dark brews in my chest, because my brain just won’t believe it. Now that those thoughts were set free, they’re fucking taking over.
They’re what make me finally say it.
“I don’t want to get into anything with you and get sent another video.”
All the noises of the night cut out. It’s like a universal record scratch. Declan is completely motionless, still staring at me, but now the annoyance is gone.
In its place is something dead and jaded. It’s eerie, making my skin prickle so uncomfortably that I wish I could just pull it all off.
We’ve always danced around the subject. Alluded to it but neither of us actually said it out loud. We didn’t speak it into the air.
And now that I have, I wish I could eat the fucking words. Because it makes it all the more present around us. Like it’s this living, breathing being.
It takes me back to the moment I opened that text.
“Check this out” some random guy on the team had texted me. So unassuming. I thought nothing of it.
Declan sighs. “Then don’t get into anything with me.”
He looks so bored. So unaffected. It sets me off even more.
I take a few steps toward him, my voice rising. “That’s it? That’s all you have to fucking say?”
He blinks slowly and then just turns away.
Everything explodes out of me. Anger and soul-crushing sadness swirling into something that makes me want to die. I charge toward him, shouting, “Don’t fucking turn your back on me. Again. Tell me why. Give me a damn reason. What did I do to make you want to hurt me?”
He covers his ears, quickening his steps toward the door. “Leave me alone, Javi.” His voice is so small and crumpled.
It should make me feel sorry for him, but I’m so lost in my own grief—I keep yelling at his back, even as he shakes his head. “No! Why?! Why did you do this to me?! You wanted what I had? Was it all an act to get to him? Tell me why the fuck you would do that to me! ”
He spins around, surprising me enough to stumble back a step as he screams, “I don’t even remember it!”
That silence takes over again. But this time, it quiets all my thoughts too, plunging us into a stillness that feels suffocating. “Wha-what do you mean?”
Tears slide down his face as he repeats himself. “I mean, I don’t remember it.”