9. Cornflower – Meaning Hope Hope in love Single wretchedness
9
CORNFLOWER
(BLUEBOTTLE, STAR THISTLE, BLUET)
MEANING: HOPE; HOPE IN LOVE; SINGLE WRETCHEDNESS
OCEAN
________
I didn’t think about what I’d agreed to. I barely had time to breathe, let alone contemplate the fact that I’d agreed to marry complete strangers.
The girls all cheered when I arrived at the shop to help them prep for the wedding. Honestly, I hadn’t planned on it, but I needed to be away from my aunt and uncle and busy enough to avoid my own thoughts and the strange combination of both panic and relief that swirled through me whenever I thought about signing the papers.
“Ocean,” my aunt snapped at me the next morning as I was about to leave for the Caruso Estate where Ellie’s wedding was taking place.
“I’m already running late,” I said, trying to avoid her.
“I don’t care. Stop.”
I sighed. “ What? ”
Her eyes narrowed on mine. “Just because you won’t be here much longer doesn’t mean you can speak to me like that.”
My mouth snapped shut, words boiling behind my lips. If I said what I wanted to, this would turn into a blowout fight, and I was already behind as it was. So I plastered on a fake smile. “How can I help you?”
“I have a dress for you to wear tonight.”
I frowned and looked down at the dress I already wore for the wedding. “What’s wrong with this?”
“More than I have time to tell you. But the other dress will let you wear the corset.”
“I—”
“The next words out of your mouth better be ‘yes, Aunt Laura.’ Because I’m not having you fuck this deal up by not showing your best side.”
Just like at the gala, there was no way to avoid someone knowing I was fat. It wasn’t like I put on a corset and suddenly I was a fucking supermodel. But my lower lip found its way between my teeth. What if they didn’t want me after they saw me, and the corset was the one thing that kept them from changing their mind? I needed this.
“Fine,” I finally agreed. “Text me when things are ready.”
Her lips curled in distaste. “Don’t eat too much cake. We need to be able to lace you in.”
I closed my eyes, letting the hurt and embarrassment wash over me before I could breathe fully enough to move again. “I’ll see you later.”
Today wasn’t the day I could wallow in my feelings, no matter what they were. There wasn’t time for me to re-tread the path of wondering what I’d ever done to Laura to make her treat me this way. When mom was alive, she’d been nice. Sweet. As soon as mom died it all changed.
But right now Ellie’s wedding was my focus. Shit hit the fan with Isolde’s ex-boyfriend last night after she’d bonded her pack and he’d found out about it. Again, I was happy for her, but my chest ached with longing whenever I remembered.
Sally and the girls were already waiting outside the mansion. “You guys ready to go?”
They saluted in unison, bringing a smile to my face for the first time today. “All right, let’s do this.”
My right hand woman had hired extra help for this in order to get things set up more quickly. They had their instructions, but there were always questions, and I already knew I’d have to make some adjustments since the bridal party was changing and I might have said fuck you in flower to Isolde’s ex while making his boutonniere.
I was in the foyer when someone bumped my shoulder. “Hey, you.”
Isolde. I smiled at her, relieved to see her looking so well. She was still in sweatpants and a t-shirt, but she was glowing like she’d swallowed the damn sun. “Hi. You okay?”
Her face dropped a little. We hadn’t had a chance to talk about everything. All I knew was some major shit went down at the rehearsal dinner, Beau was no longer in the wedding, and my best friend was now a bonded Omega.
“Yeah. It’s…” She took a breath. “You, Rin, and I will have dinner and talk about everything, okay? I don’t think I can go through it again today.”
One of the new girls came through the door, her arms lined with white paper bags. I pointed to a corner of the foyer. “The bouquets can go there, please. Boutonnieres too.” I looked back at Isolde. “I totally get that, and yes, please. I need to get the hell out of my house, and I think we all have things to talk about.”
A lot of fucking things to talk about.
“Are you okay?” She asked. Everything about her was genuine. She wanted to know. And I felt guilty for keeping so much from her and Rin. “The last couple of weeks?—”
Putting out a hand, I stopped the question. Because the three of us were so close, they always knew something was wrong, even when I pretended otherwise. And my friends were going to get a much closer look at my life now than they ever had before. “I can’t do it today either, Iz, sorry.”
Isolde looked at me for a second, and I felt her trying to figure out what the hell was going on with me. Girl, if you only knew. “That’s okay,” she finally said. “How can I help?”
I embraced the relief of not having to bare my soul just yet and recruited her to help me fix the flowers for her newly bonded pack member, who would be taking Beau’s place walking her down the aisle. Hawk was his name, and he looked at my friend like she’d hung the moon in the sky.
They all did as they appeared from deeper in the house, pulling Isolde into them like she was the sun they all revolved around. It was beautiful to look at. And painful.
Hawk’s words brought me back from my thoughts. “But it’s okay, Ocean, I can just wear that one.”
“No, you absolutely cannot.” I made sure to hold the flowers out of reach.
Her pack looked at me, utterly confused, but Isolde just smiled. “What does it mean, Ocean?”
In spite of how I felt today, I found myself holding back laughter. “It’s petunia, basil, and hemlock. Or rather, anger and disdain, hatred, and death.”
“Oh my god.” Isolde burst out laughing. “That’s incredible.”
“Remind me never to get on your bad side,” Vaughn, another one of her Alphas said.
I smirked before looking at my friend. “I’ll take a rose from your bouquet and put one together.”
“Perfect.”
Hawk and the others tugged her to the side once more, and I had to look away from the tenderness in the way they touched her. It was fine. I didn’t have time to focus on it anyway.
The new boutonniere for Hawk done, I helped Sally and the girls finish the arrangements around the ceremony space and on all the tables beneath the big white tent for the reception. Ellie’s designer mother supervised, and they really were beautiful. The girls had all outdone themselves.
Something settled in my chest. A feeling of pride and accomplishment I didn’t often get.
Arms grabbed me from behind, making me yelp. “Boo.”
I placed a hand on my chest. “Fuck, Rin. Warning next time.”
“Where’s the fun in that?”
“Keeping me from having a heart attack?”
She snorted and looped her arm through mine, guiding me with her to the ceremony space and finding seats on Ellie’s side of the aisle. “We both know you’re healthier than I am. I’ll probably scare myself and have the heart attack.”
I laughed softly. Trinity’s diabetes wasn’t life threatening, but because she did take care of herself, she joked like it wasn’t. “Well, you can’t off yourself just yet,” I told her. “I’m gonna need you. And Isolde.”
“Are you finally going to tell us what the hell is going on with you? Because we’ve been patient, but I’ve had about enough of you clearly being miserable while also keeping us in the dark.”
Guilt crawled up my throat. Not because I felt like I’d been wrong for keeping things close to the chest, but because they had been asking, and I’d been pushing them away. They didn’t deserve that any more than I did.
“Will I tell you? Yes. Will I tell you right this second? No.”
She glared at me for a second. “Fair.”
Beautiful cello music floated through the air to start the ceremony, and everything was perfect. Ellie looked beautiful, and Isolde couldn’t take her eyes off Hawk or her pack when she glanced at them in the audience. My breath shuddered in my chest. She was so happy, and it was what I wanted.
And I wouldn’t have it.
Not until I got out of this marriage, had my freedom fully, and could actually focus on things like my love life.
If I’d ever have it at all.
“She looks so happy,” Rin said, echoing my thoughts.
“Yeah.” Hopefully my friend didn’t notice the way my voice strained.
It didn’t matter for long. In what seemed like no time at all, the three of us were on the dance floor, acting like we were still in college and none of us had cares in the world. Isolde’s pack watched from their table, and it really was incredible, seeing the way they watched her. But more, it was nice to let go and just… be. Enjoy myself for a little while.
My phone buzzed where I’d tucked it away against my skin to make sure it could be felt.
Laura
Get back here. Now.
“Shit.” The word slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it. The sun was already setting and it was later than I had realized. I did need to get back, because I wasn’t taking any chances. They would give me those fucking papers to sign, and nothing was going to stop that.
“You okay?” Isolde asked.
I smiled tightly. “I need to go. I’ll call you guys soon.”
“O, wait,” Rin said. “Give us something, please. Because you’re kind of freaking us out.”
Both of their faces held nothing but genuine concern, and again, the guilt nearly swallowed me. They deserved to know, even if this wasn’t the way I planned to tell them. The rest of it would have to wait.
Gathering my courage, I finally said it out loud. “I’m getting married.”
“ What? ” Isolde and Trinity said at the same time, voices rising above the music.
Isolde shook her head. “When?”
Trinity followed up. “To who?”
I stared at them, because for once, I didn’t actually have an answer for them. “I have no idea.”
That was the only thing I could say, and I couldn’t wait longer. So I turned and left my friends on the dance floor, hoping to hell they’d forgive me when they finally knew the truth.
“Where the fuck have you been?” Laura asked, following close on my heels as I entered my bedroom.
My patience was already thin, and my anxiety was high because of what we were about to do. “You might want to have your hearing checked. Or your memory. At this point, I’ve lost track of the times I told you I was at the wedding .”
Her hand came up so fast I braced for the impact of her slapping me, which never came. Ruby stepped into the room with a dress draped over her arm, and I didn’t know if she was the one who stopped it or my aunt’s own self-preservation. Couldn’t marry me off with a bright red handprint on my cheek.
“Thank fuck you’ll be out of this house soon,” she hurled the whisper at me.
The feeling was entirely mutual. Whoever I was about to sign my life away to, they couldn’t harbor this kind of poison towards me, right? Not when they’d specifically asked for me?
I hoped not.
Nerves fluttered in my stomach. I’d said it didn’t matter, but now I was wishing I’d asked who so I could be prepared. Like hell was I going to ask Laura, because she would try to?—
Honestly, I had no idea, but whatever she would say, it would only be meant to hurt me and nothing else.
She snapped her fingers at Ruby. “Hurry up.”
The corset went on, and my aunt practically shoved Ruby out of the way in order to do the laces herself. Way too fucking tight. “I need to be able to breathe,” I managed.
“Not if breathing makes you look bigger and your intendeds hesitate even for a second. I’m not letting this deal fall through because you refuse to take care of yourself.” She punctuated the words by pulling so tightly that I gasped. I closed my eyes before any of my reactionary tears could escape and ruin the makeup I’d put on for the wedding.
The dress was light, flowy, purple, and pretty. Just like the blue dress. Damn her and her fashion sense. Part of me wanted to mess myself up just a little to see smoke pour out of her ears, but I wasn’t sure I had enough breath in my lungs to do it.
Hell, I barely had enough breath to make it all the way to the study.
My uncle looked me up and down when I entered his office, nodding once in approval. And to my shock, he had the documents ready for me, already signed by him. A stranger stood with him. Or rather, someone I recognized a little from Frank’s business dealings. Both a notary and a witness, like I’d asked.
He really wanted this to happen, and the ease with which he could toss my life around like a toy didn’t cease to sting.
I read the papers carefully, but there wasn’t much to them. If I completed my marriage with the DuPont Pack, and remained married for one year, he would sign my trust over to me, fully and completely, with no limitations.
The DuPont Pack.
Somewhere in my mind, that name rang a bell, but I didn’t know why. Nor did it matter. This was what I needed. The relief of signing the papers and watching them be notarized almost combatted the pain of having to lean over to sign them in the corset.
He and Laura watched in silence as I signed my life away.
“Good,” Frank said, handing one copy of the papers to me. Then he pressed the button on his phone that reached the housekeeper. “Isabel, show them in.”
My heart leapt up into my throat. They were here now, and there was no going back.