Chapter 15 Darcy
Darcy
At first, all he knew was what he had seen: Richard’s face, as he looked at Miss Bennet, was full of longing and lust and love. However, she had been attempting to get away from Richard, hurrying and clinging to a footman’s arm as if she were frightened of his cousin. And she was crying.
Darcy had never been angrier at Richard.
He had never felt as deeply disappointed in anyone.
But he had so many contrary emotions, it was hard to identify all of them. He had been worried about Richard, and now he felt a shift, an understanding of the signs of strain he had seen in his cousin. He felt pity, as well as disgust, for the man.
Towards Miss Bennet, Darcy’s feelings were simpler. She was in his arms, asking for solace and strength, and he focused on her and allowed his cousin to run away.
“I am very sorry you are upset, my love. Should we sit here on the bench and recover before returning to your aunt’s house?”
Miss Bennet lifted her head, apparently startled at the idea that she had been hurrying them both away from the only place they could have the privacy to speak.
“Yes,” she answered, regaining her composure. “Let us sit. Roberts, thank you for your care, but might we have the privilege of speaking in privacy?”
“Of course, miss,” Roberts said, and he swiftly retreated to a spot where he could watch the couple and the rest of the park, as well.
Darcy seated Miss Bennet next to him. When she stopped crying, he dabbed at her cheeks with his handkerchief. She murmured her thanks and used the handkerchief to wipe her eyes. “When you are calm enough,” he said, “perhaps you could tell me what has happened.
Miss Bennet took a deep breath, then nodded. She carefully relayed the entire exchange, from the colonel’s declaration of love and admiration to her own furious reply, and then his paltry excuses for why he had spoken.
Having completed the story, Miss Bennet extricated one of her hands from Darcy’s grasp and cupped his cheek. “Why are you here?” she whispered. “I am very glad to see you, but I thought you had meetings all morning.”
“My second meeting was postponed two days. So I hurried here in hopes that you were still walking.”
“And you found me stomping rather than walking.”
Darcy dared to give her a small smile but then carefully probed for more information.
“Dearest one, I am attempting to understand my cousin, though perhaps he does not deserve the effort. My trouble in comprehending what he is feeling is that I am aware that he met you days, or perhaps weeks, before I met you. And I wonder if you would speak of how he behaved towards you then.”
She said, “I could see that he admired me, and although he flirted a little, he flirted just as much with my friends. We met when I was with Julia Allington, who is the daughter of a very wealthy gentleman, and I worried that the colonel might assume that I was just as wealthy. I made certain the first day that he called to let him know that I had basically no dowry and no hopes of inheriting money nor property. I cannot remember the exact words we spoke then, but I remember that his response to my careful and polite words let me know that he already knew my circumstances. I never had any reason at all to suppose that he liked me better than Grace or any of my other friends, and during the only other morning walk he interrupted, he baldly said that he could never court me, or marry me, because of monetary concerns.”
Darcy nodded. That sounded very much as he would have expected, had he not heard what had transpired that morning.
Miss Bennet continued, “The morning he met me here in the park and reminded me that he could not court me, I explained that he had every possibility of finding a woman of wealth whom he could respect and love. However, given that I lived with my uncle, who is in trade, or on my father’s modest estate near a small town with very few eligible men, it seemed that I was less likely to find such felicity.
It was that very day that he told my uncle that he wished to help me find someone, and thus he introduced me to his mother, and I met you… .”
Darcy said, “The evening I met you, I thought that Richard seemed normal at first, but his behaviour seemed more and more like a performance as the evening went on. I wondered, at the time, if he was infatuated with you, but I asked my aunt, and she said that his entire purpose in introducing you to the family was an effort to help you find someone worthy of you.”
Miss Bennet nodded vigorously. “Yes, that was how he explained it to my uncle, as well. But do you suppose that he cared more than he claimed, and then he felt more envy than he knew how to deal with?”
“Likely.”
“Mr Darcy, I hope this does not ruin your relationship with your dearest friend and cousin.”
Darcy smiled, but he knew it was a sad sort of smile.
“It is just like you, even though you are angry and upset, to express care for the feelings of others. But…to answer your question, of course this will change our relationship, and it certainly has affected my trust in Richard. But I feel certain that we will heal this rift, as long as he gives up his hopes of you.”
“Believe me, Mr Darcy, even if I had never met you, I would never have wished for an attachment with Colonel Fitzwilliam. I like him well enough, or at least I used to, and I have respect for his career and the sacrifice entailed in that career, but we do not share interests, and—I do not wish to hurt you—but I do not respect his character well enough to trust him to be my husband.”
“Of course I agree that you and he would not be a good match, how could I not? But I have always respected his character…well, at least until now.” He struggled to understand what had occurred that morning in light of his lifelong respect for Richard.
Miss Bennet said, “I know women are supposed to accept their husbands keeping mistresses and going to brothels and even having discreet affairs with widows…but I absolutely reject all of that.”
“So do I.”
“I know that about you. You explained about being called a monk and a prig—” Miss Bennet paused, blushing, but she lifted her chin a bit and continued “—and you have said other things over the course of our acquaintance that let me know that you do not do what is considered customary in this regard, and you do not necessarily accept practices just because they are commonplace.”
Darcy squirmed to have yet another embarrassing conversation with the woman he loved. However, he also felt that she seemed almost magical in her ability to understand him.
She continued, “In contrast, there is something about the way the colonel behaves around all women that makes me feel certain that he, unlike you, has adopted the customary as simply how things always have been, always will be, and even should be.”
Darcy did not wish to incite more ill feelings towards his cousin, but he knew all too well of his cousin’s frequent visits to brothels. How had Miss Bennet sensed his attitude or habits?
He finally spoke again: “Dearest, I wonder if we should make our way back to your aunt’s house.”
Miss Bennet shot to her feet and said, “Oh! You are entirely correct.” She beckoned to the footman and set a rapid pace as they left the park for 10 Gracechurch Street.
Darcy had apparently apologised one too many times for his cousin’s behaviour. Both Mrs Gardiner and Miss Bennet scolded him, the latter confusing him because she had tears in her eyes but also laughed as she said, “Mr Darcy, please desist! You are not responsible for your cousin’s actions!”
Mrs Gardiner said, “You both must remember that it is difficult and at times impossible to change one’s feelings, to stop having one emotion or to begin having another.
We need not even feel shame for feelings we wish we did not have.
What matters is what we do and say. Our words, our actions are the things that impact people, for better or worse.
It is pitiable that Colonel Fitzwilliam loves someone who loves another, but his words, which he may have considered ethical because they were honest, should never have been spoken.
He should have known that they could only hurt people and relationships. ”
Darcy said, “Madam, I admire your wisdom. I have been wondering for some time now how Miss Bennet could be so wise at her age, and of course we all know that extensive reading not only informs us, but also affords us a wider perspective on events. But I believe that you may be the greatest source of her wisdom. As one who lost a mother far too young, I must admit that I wish to learn from you as Miss Bennet clearly has.”
“What will you do now, Mr Darcy?” Miss Bennet asked him. “Will you seek out the colonel or avoid him?”
Darcy swiped one hand down his face and briefly closed his eyes.
“I simply do not know. I am considering inviting him to work things out with swords rather than words—as you have come to know, I am not always capable of explaining things with words, and my cousin is a man of action, first and foremost.”
Both women gasped. “You do not mean to duel?” Mrs Gardiner asked, sounding horrified.
Darcy shook his head decisively. “Forgive me for shocking you both with my careless phrasing. No, I will not duel with Richard, or anyone. What I meant is that my cousin and I both frequently go to Angelo’s School of Arms, and we fence.
We use foils, of course; it is as safe as any athletic competition.
I am somewhat hopeful that a hard-fought fencing match would help us heal the rift… .”
Darcy smiled comfortingly at Miss Bennet, who looked vastly relieved.
Eventually Darcy left, promising to return the next morning for a walk. “Would you still wish to attend the Stoddards’ ball tomorrow evening? Or should I write that we cannot make it after all? Or maybe I should find out if Richard plans to attend?”