CHAPTER 11
Keisha’s sides hurt from laughing so much.
The evening had been everything she longed for.
After picking up Hope, they’d driven to The Plaza—Kansas City’s upscale dining and shopping district.
The fourteen-block area was filled with statues and fountains scattered among ornate buildings.
Once parked, they got stoned in Keisha’s car.
Then they gallivanted down sidewalks, in awe of the twinkling lights, only stopping to dance on a corner where a live band played.
Afterwards they darted in and out of high-end stores, including FAO Schwarz, where they had a one-sided conversation with an animatronic tree.
Keisha bought Hope a little plush mouse, which was a difficult choice, since there were so many animals to choose from.
When the munchies hit them, they started with dessert at a restaurant, followed it with appetizers, and finished with ice cream and coffee. The combination of sugar, caffeine, and cannabis had them buzzing, their indiscreet giggles annoying the other patrons, which only amused them more.
Now they were walking along the sidewalks again, their pace idling as they slowly came down from their high. Not enough to drive home yet, thank goodness. Keisha wasn’t ready for the night to end. She was too damn happy!
Acting on impulse, she reached out and took Hope’s hand.
They swung their arms like little girls, grinning at each other, until one of them became self-conscious and pulled away.
Keisha was okay with that. They had made good progress tonight, the liberation of being far from everyone they knew a thousand times more intoxicating than anything they had indulged in.
“Wanna chill here for a bit?” she asked as they neared a cast-iron bench.
Hope nodded. She laughed after sitting. “We’re gonna literally chill here!”
The metal beneath them was cold. Keisha knew the solution for that. She scooted closer.
Hope glanced around, as if fearing judgment, but most of the couples who walked past them were focused on each other. The tension left her body.
“I wish every day could be like this,” she murmured.
“It can,” Keisha replied. “That’s entirely in your power.”
Hope’s dark eyes were probing before she shook her head. “I’m not like you.”
Keisha gasped. “You’re straight? Wait, did my short hair give the wrong impression? You know that I’m a girl, right?”
Hope tittered. “Yes. And I’m definitely a lesbian.”
“I love hearing you say it like that, all self-assured. So what’s the problem?”
“I’m not brave like you are.”
“That’s flattering, but I’m not courageous. I’m smart. All I did was think through my options. Have you ever done that? Or do you shy away from the subject when it enters your mind? Fear can be a real bitch that way.”
Hope licked her lips nervously. “I’ve thought about it. A little.”
“So let’s talk it through. Tell me how your life is going to play out. Are you always gonna be in the closet?”
“Maybe. If my parents ever find out…” She shuddered. “How did yours react?”
“My siblings are supportive. My parents don’t take me seriously.
I don’t think they will until I introduce them to an actual girlfriend.
” She shook her head. “You’ve got me talking about myself again, you clever little minx.
I’ve done enough of that. This is about you.
So you’re gonna stay in the closet. How will that go?
Your family is bound to get suspicious if their smart and beautiful daughter becomes an old maid. What’s the plan?”
“I could bring a guy home with me once in a while,” Hope replied. “A sympathetic friend who knows the truth.”
“All right. That might buy you a little time. But what happens when your momma starts asking for grandbabies?”
Hope chewed her bottom lip. “I could get married to a closeted gay guy. And when we want to have kids, we’ll use artificial insemination.”
“Oh. Very cunning! I guess that solves it then. Your life will be spent with a man who loves musicals more than his own wife. Of course you’ll have to keep the truth from your children as well. Won’t that be fun? Living a lie until your dying day.”
Hope’s shoulders slumped. “No. That would suck.”
“Your husband would suck,” Keisha said, nudging her, “and speaking of which, you’d have to worry about him getting caught, because you know how indiscriminate gay boys can be. Don’t ask me why. You never hear about two women bumping clams in a public restroom.”
Hope leaned to the side, clutching her stomach with laughter, but she came right back again.
Keisha put an arm around her. “Okay, so we’ve covered two options so far: the suspiciously single spinster and the miserable mock marriage. What else you got?”
“How about a secret relationship?” Hope said, considering her demurely. “I’ll live in a different state, somewhere far away from my family. I’ll make up a boyfriend, so they don’t get suspicious, when in reality, I’ll be living with a woman.”
“Not bad,” Keisha said, as if weighing the possibility. “That could work. Of course, it’s a shame that you’d have to avoid your family so much. You don’t want to come out now because you’re afraid of losing them. In this scenario, you’d be abandoning your family.”
“I could come home during the holidays and special occasions.”
“Sure, but how is the love of your life going to feel when you never get to spend Christmas together? Imagine the strain that would put on your relationship. Whoever the lucky woman is, she won’t feel like your top priority.”
“What if she’s just as closeted?” Hope challenged.
Keisha breathed out. “You’ve got me there.
All I can say to that, is I wouldn’t want to commit to a lifetime of anxiety.
It’s always there when you’ve got something to hide, even if the volume is turned down low on occasion.
” Keisha moved her hand to Hope’s knee and felt her tense.
Then she nodded across the street, where a couple was kissing in the glow of a shop window.
“If you love someone so much that you want to slobber all over them in public, as repulsive as it is for the rest of us, don’t you think it would be a shame to hold that in?
Just look at how much fun we’ve had tonight.
Now erase the fear you felt during the evening.
Like magic, a good thing gets even better. You deserve that kind of happiness.”
Hope thought in silence a moment. “What if my family disowns me? Having to live with that every day would take the shine off everything else.”
“That wouldn’t be easy,” Keisha conceded.
“Ideally, there would be a special someone in your life to make up for the love your parents wouldn’t be giving.
But for the sake of exploring this fully, let’s move on to option number four: You wait until your parents die to be your true self.
I thought about doing that. Then I did the math.
My parents are in their forties. They could live another fifty years.
I don’t want to wait until I’m in my sixties before I allow myself to love.
Better late than never, sure, but I intend to get plenty of use out of this bod while it’s still hot. ”
“You are incredibly sexy,” Hope breathed.
“Right back at ya. The other problem with waiting is most of that time won’t be spent with your parents.
If you stay in the same town, you’ll be at work much of the day and doing your own thing when you’re not.
Even in a multigenerational household, you’re talking a handful of hours together.
So why sacrifice your personal happiness just to blend in during those few moments?
And shouldn’t that precious time with the people you love be spent as your true self?
How sad it would be to live a lie until the day they die.
I’d rather my parents disapprove of the real me than adore an illusion. ”
Hope’s eyes were shimmering. “Are you sure you aren’t brave?”
“Positive. Like I said, I thought it all through. Repeatedly. None of the remaining options are any good. Killing yourself only hurts the people you wanted to avoid upsetting. Burying it deep inside ends up twisting people. Funny how those most opposed to homosexuality are often caught in a compromising situation. Actually, it isn’t remotely amusing.
Nothing could be more tragic.” Keisha took a deep breath.
“That brings us to the option I ended up choosing. Coming out. And yes, some people will hate you for it. That’s life.
We’ve both experienced racism. As women, we know the sting of sexism.
Even if we were white men, people could hate us for any number of reasons from how we look to the religion and politics of the country we were raised in.
We can’t control how other people feel, but we do have a say over how we feel about ourselves.
I’d rather love myself than fight against who I am. I refuse to be my own oppressor.”
Hope turned her face away.
Keisha felt a lurch of disappointment. She had tried her best. Maybe, given enough time—
“I broke her heart,” Hope murmured.
“What?”
Hope turned toward her again, her wet eyes vulnerable. “Abigail. She loved me, and I threw her away, just because my sister found out and I was scared that she would tell our parents. I traded love for fear! And the worst part is that I loved her back. So what does that say about me?”
“That you’re a human being who makes mistakes, just like the rest of us do.” Keisha took her hand, rubbing away the cold before intertwining their fingers. “The nice thing about love is that you can always try again.”
She leaned closer, feeling like she was pushing all her chips into the center of the table, but to her relief, the other player didn’t fold. They met halfway, their kiss on full display for the world to see. Best of all, when Keisha pulled back, she no longer saw fear in Hope’s eyes.
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