Chapter 5 #2
“Well, his decision to host a ball is praiseworthy, and I suppose he made it without much encouragement from his sisters or from his friend. Let us trust his sound judgment.”
“Do you think they disapprove of the ball? Mr Darcy and Caroline and Louisa…Could this be the reason why we have not seen or heard from any of them in the last few days?” Jane asked.
“Have you missed them? I most certainly have not, especially the ladies. To me, they are even more unpleasant than Mr Darcy and that is quite a feat. He is proud and haughty and has a tendency to judge and to criticise people. But he seems well-educated and even has moments when he is amiable enough. But they are conceited, and mean and rude all the time, and consider themselves to be above everyone else–which they certainly are not. Neither by wealth or situation in life or birth. Their most important accomplishment is being Mr Bingley’s sisters. ”
“Lizzy darling, you are a little too harsh.”
“I might be, but I am also very much right. Your kindness cannot excuse their disrespect. And if a certain event takes place, I am afraid you will have to fight for your position as the mistress of the house. But on that, we can worry later.”
“What of Mr Darcy? Do you think he will continue his close relationship with Mr Bingley if he enters into a family he does not approve of? I know how much Mr Bingley values his friendship.”
Elizabeth hesitated to respond. Strangely, to even herself, she found herself thinking of Darcy more often than she would wish to.
She was disturbed by her own reactions to him, and that troubled her more than the man himself.
She knew he had offended her, she knew she disliked him, she knew she should be relieved that he had not called again.
Yet, she was preoccupied with wanting to know the reason for his absence after only a brief visit when he impressed her father and he even appeared to feel comfortable.
Had she–or someone else in the family–been overtly rude to him?
Had he noticed something that offended him?
Was it her apparent impolite manners towards him that displeased him?
She wondered, if the weather allowed, would he continue to ride towards Oakham Mount and might they meet again, or had he also dropped those habits entirely, to avoid encountering her?
But, most of all, she wondered why on earth she cared about him enough to be so curious about him.
She looked at Jane and responded honestly.
“I do not know, Jane. It is hard to even guess what is in Mr Darcy’s mind, let alone to express a sound opinion.
If he is worthy of Mr Bingley’s appreciation, he should be supportive and fair.
If he is not, Mr Bingley is just too kind and too generous to grant his respect and consideration to a man who does not deserve it. ”
∞∞∞
“Mr Collins has returned to Kent,” Bingley declared during dinner.
Darcy looked at him briefly. “The Bennet family must be relieved.”
“I believe so. I did not dare ask. But Mr Bennet expressed his pleasure in having the library to himself.”
“I can well imagine that,” Darcy replied.
“Charles, are you aware that you call at Longbourn daily? Surely you must know it is hardly proper,” Miss Bingley interrupted them.
“Caroline, I am very much aware of my actions. I assure you I am doing nothing improper.”
“Perhaps not improper, but unwise. Do you not question the motives which have stopped Mr Darcy from joining you?”
“I never question Darcy’s reasons. But his presence or absence does not affect my own enjoyment.”
“For Heaven’s sake, are you not tired of spending hour after hour with the Bennets?” Louisa interjected severely.
“Not at all. I am having an excellent time, I assure you.”
Darcy finally raised his eyes from his plate. “Although my acquaintance with the Bennets is brief, I also enjoy their company. Mr Bennet is a worthy gentleman, well read, with wide knowledge and remarkable wit. I understand why Bingley feels comfortable calling at Longbourn.”
Bingley threw him a surprised and thankful glance.
“He might be; but his wife?” Caroline raised her voice.
“Do not deny that you cannot stand listening to her nonsense and witnessing her ill manners. Admit it–you are appalled! Her behaviour is outrageous and her constant quest for husbands for her daughters is the talk of the village. You must be terrified that she will target you, too.”
Her demanding tone irritated Darcy. If he needed a reason to leave Netherfield sooner, Caroline’s attitude would surely be ample justification.
He cleared his throat and held his temper.
“Miss Bingley, I beg you to allow me the liberty of deciding what appals and what terrifies me. For now, you are quite far from the truth and, as rude as it might sound, I do not appreciate anyone’s attempt to presume my reasons or my intentions.
I dare say I am allowed to choose how to spend my days, just as Bingley is the master of his own time.
We should not blame him for not sharing my own preferences. ”
The conversation threatened to continue but Darcy had no patience left for it. He excused himself and retired to the library, pretending he had letters to complete.
Once alone, he tried to gather himself, staring outside. It was raining again.
Despite the harsh argument, he knew Caroline Bingley was close enough to the truth.
Except he was not appalled and terrified by Mrs Bennet, but by his own strong and unexpected sentiments.
He fought against those and, two weeks prior to the ball, Darcy felt reasonably content with himself.
His self-control and discipline kept him in check and suppressed the shallow desires stirred by Miss Elizabeth Bennet’s charms. He knew Bingley called on the Bennets daily, but he chose the solitude of the Netherfield library instead.
Instead of bearing the frustration of her presence, knowing he could not take the next step, he preferred to torture himself in her absence.
It was the most severe exercise of self-restraint.
He succeeded in keeping himself away from her, against the aching longing to enjoy her presence.
The weather became his ally; the cold and the rain chilled his temptation to ride towards Oakham Mount or Longbourn, pining for her, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. His mind was in a constant war against his heart, his reason against his wishes. But he knew he could conquer it.
Still, more often than he would wish to, his thoughts turned back to her.
His days, hours, minutes were empty and lonely without thinking of her.
And, while he knew it was still a weakness, he allowed himself the luxury of allowing her to fill his thoughts, as long as neither she nor anybody else was aware of it.
Never had that happened to him before. Never had he been troubled by a woman, not even those who had been intimately acquainted with him. Never did he long to see a woman, to speak to her, to simply take delight in her nearness.
The nights were even worse, as the moment he closed his eyes, she invaded his dreams. He had no sleep, no rest, no peace.
She had banished them all without even knowing it, and without intending to.
She had never sought his good opinion, but she had won it nevertheless, and in that battle, he had lost his self-confidence and his tranquillity.
His time in Hertfordshire had become distressing and he knew he should leave.
But he could not sever the link that tied him to Elizabeth.
Not yet. He was not prepared to depart from her so soon.
He had not enough memories to comfort his heart in the months to come.
Perhaps if he danced only one set with her, it would be enough and would induce him to return to town.
His thoughts were soon interrupted by Bingley’s entrance. For a moment, Darcy panicked that his sisters might join him, but his friend was alone and carefully closed the door behind him.
“May I come in? Am I bothering you?”
“Not at all. Besides, it is your house. You do not need permission to enter,” Darcy smiled.
Bingley sat. “I can see you can hardly bear Caroline and Louisa lately. I am afraid our company gives you little pleasure these days.”
He replied after a short hesitation. “I am not a social person, and my conversational skills are limited.”
“It is generous of you to take the blame, Darcy. I am aware they are rude and pretentious, but I cannot change them, as much as I would like to. They have a tendency to force their will on everyone. They are trying to make you declare yourself against the Bennets.”
“You are the master of the house and the head of the family. You should demand the kind of behaviour that satisfies you. No less. You should make your wishes known and obeyed.”
“You are right, of course. I am trying. I do appreciate you staying with me, although I assume you would rather be with your own family.”
“Your friendship is valuable to me, Bingley.”
“I know; and I am deeply grateful for that. There is something else I wanted to tell you. Sir William has invited me to a dinner party the day after tomorrow. In fact, he invited us all. I am not sure if Louisa and Caroline will come. Would you join me? It would be a little odd to go alone.”