Chapter 6 #3
“Yes. And as I long suspected, Wickham had no other interest but drinking, playing cards, easy women and questionable friends. He demanded money for all kinds of reasons. He pretended to be studying the law, and for a while I complied with all his demands. But I will not bother you further with this story. It is enough to say that he was the reason that I was away all summer and I hoped to never see him again. And yet, here he is.”
Darcy poured himself a drink and stood staring out of the window.
“So… what should we do now? What do you want to do?” Bingley asked.
“Do? Nothing. It might be a mere coincidence. I should not have allowed his presence to upset me so. After all, he has the right to choose his profession. I still pray that he will come to his senses and will embrace a decent way of living. My father was very fond of him and we grew up together. I wish him well, although I have lost all hope.”
“So you will allow his presence to trouble you for as long as he stays in Meryton?”
“What other choice do I have? Besides, I will not stay long in Hertfordshire. I wish to spend Christmas with Georgiana in town. I can bear Wickham for another fortnight.”
“But Darcy… you will leave?”
“Of course I will,” Darcy smiled. “I cannot stay with you forever.”
“I spoke more with Miss Bennet today,” Bingley said and Darcy’s smile warmed.
“And? What is new in this? You always speak to Miss Bennet when you meet.”
“Indeed I do. She is so easy to speak to. So gentle and sweet. She seems to understand me so well.”
It was Bingley’s turn to pour himself a drink. “So, what do you think? About her feelings for me?”
“Come now, Bingley! I hardly saw or talked to Miss Bennet at all today. My estimation could not have changed from yesterday. But if you are certain, why do you need my opinion?”
“I am certain of my feelings for her. I believe I am. Such affection, such thrills, such desire I have never felt for another so far. But I wonder–since you said you have seen me in love many times–am I steady enough for her? Am I worthy enough for her? And more importantly–are her feelings strong enough to last a lifetime?”
Bingley’s nervousness increased, as well as his pacing. Such distress made Darcy calmer, forcing him to take charge.
“Do you have any reasons for doubt?” Darcy asked. “Genuine reasons?”
“No. I just worry and wonder… More than my feelings, I am worried about hers. I know I will be devoted to her all my life, if I marry her. But if she does not truly love me, if she will only settle for me, if she will only accept me to please her family, I will feel that. You know I will. Every time I am close to her, every time I touch her, or share a bed with her… I would feel it. Would I not be selfish if I forced her into such a union, if her heart is not genuinely engaged?”
Darcy sat and filled his glass again. His friend’s torment seemed deep and powerful, so his own disturbance appeared insignificant by comparison.
“Bingley, I have listened to your words, and I can honestly say it is the least selfish statement I have ever heard. Your thoughtful consideration of Miss Bennet’s sentiments proves that you have no reason to doubt the depth of your affection for her.
Of her wishes and desires, you must search for evidence.
Nobody can do that better than you. But if you need my honest opinion, I will declare that she cannot possibly find a better husband than you. ”
“I do need your opinion, and I thank you for it. It truly makes me feel better.”
“I am glad to hear that,” Darcy smiled at his friend’s enthusiasm. For the first time since they arrived in Hertfordshire, he wished for Miss Bennet to return Bingley’s affection and to accept the upcoming proposal that seemed inevitable.
And immediately, his thoughts flew to Elizabeth’s wishes and desires. And his own–which he knew to be as strong as they were impossible to fulfil.
∞∞∞
The following morning, the excitement began at Longbourn immediately after breakfast. Lydia and Kitty counted the hours until the proper time for a visit, hoping that the officers would call, while Jane glanced outside occasionally, with apparent calmness but inner nervousness, for a glimpse of Mr Bingley.
Elizabeth was the most silent in the family, still preoccupied with the previous day’s events, thinking of Mr Darcy more than she would like to, struggling to sketch his character and to decide how much of Mr Wickham’s story was worth asking about in earnest. Her unusual disposition drew Mr Bennet’s mockery.
“Lizzy, my dear, you seem out of spirits again. I hope you do not miss Mr Collins’ carefully chosen compliments.”
Elizabeth directed a sharp glare at her exceedingly amused father.
“Well, she should miss the opportunity she so thoughtlessly rejected,” Mrs Bennet immediately cried. “She might have ruined her only chance for a safe future. Truly, we cannot expect her to receive any other marriage proposal anytime soon.”
Elizabeth cast another upset look at her father. “This is truly a useless discussion, Mama. Papa is making sport of me and I am unwilling to argue further over Mr Collins.”
“Well, I imagine that,” her mother interjected.
“I know you think Mr Collins is not the most charming, nor the brightest man, but he is handsome enough, clever enough and is in a far better position to support a wife than the better looking and more amiable officers. Not to mention he is also willing to marry, unlike other men who only wish to preserve their liberty and avoid any engagement.”
“Mama, can you imagine how wonderful it would be if I should marry Mr Wickham? Or someone as handsome as he?” Lydia interjected, beaming with anticipation.
“You are too young to even walk alone into Meryton, let alone to think of marriage,” Mr Bennet replied severely, rolling his eyes. “And yes, with your lack of wisdom and spendthrift nature and with his limited income, you would make a perfect couple.”
“I would like to see at least one of my daughters married to an officer,” Mrs Bennet declared, then quickly became silent when the servant announced Mr Wickham, Lieutenant Denny and Lieutenant Reeves.
“My dear gentlemen, what a pleasure to see you! Do come in,” Mrs Bennet readily invited them.
“It is our pleasure to be here, ma’am. We were grateful for your invitation and took the first opportunity to respond to it,” Mr Wickham said.
They bowed to the ladies, who curtseyed most graciously.
“We wondered if you would keep your word and call today,” Lydia admitted.
“How could we not have come, when we were so eager to see all of you again?” Wickham replied, looking deliberately at Elizabeth. She was surprised and slightly uneasy at such a direct insinuation, so she averted her eyes.
They all sat and the conversation started, then grew more animated by the minute. All the officers were pleasant company, but Mr Wickham was easily singled out from among his colleagues.
“Mr Wickham, I told my parents about how poorly Mr Darcy treated you,” Lydia suddenly announced.
An uncomfortable moment followed and Mr Wickham looked embarrassed but not as much as might be expected.
“Miss Lydia, I am sorry I distressed you and anyone else by even mentioning my past dealings with Darcy. I shall kindly beg you to forget everything for as long as Darcy and I are in the neighbourhood. My respect and affection for my godfather forbids me from saying a single bad word against him,” Wickham responded with apparent remorse.
“Well, it might be a little too late for such a resolution,” Mr Bennet whispered mostly to himself. Elizabeth did not miss her father’s words, nor his displeased countenance.
“I will only say that, if Darcy had respected his father’s will, I would now be making my living as a parson, in the parish of Kympton.
That would have suited me greatly, but it would have deprived me of the pleasure of being here, with you,” Wickham continued, glancing at Elizabeth again.
“So all in all, I have no reason to repine.”
“Parson? Oh, I truly do not believe you would have liked making sermons! I am sure you will enjoy being an officer far more. And the uniform is so much better looking,” Lydia declared.
“Lydia!” Jane immediately censured such an improper statement, but the young girl ignored the scolding.
Mr Wickham laughed.
“I am glad to have your approval of my present situation, Miss Lydia. This is just further proof that we must ignore my unpleasant past dealings with Darcy and only speak of the present and future.”
“We are certainly very happy to have all of you here,” Mrs Bennet strengthened her youngest daughter’s statement.
“Yes, we are,” Kitty and Lydia added, while Elizabeth and Jane only looked at each other, intrigued and silent.
“And so are we,” the other two officers offered.
“So, Mr Wickham, did you study to become a clergyman?” Mr Bennet asked.
The question seemed to find Mr Wickham unprepared. “Well, not exactly… not yet… but I would have studied, if I were offered the living.”
“It is good that did not happen; I am not sure how you would have handled such a boring position,” Lieutenant Denny laughed.
“Well, it is fortunate that being an officer needs no special knowledge. And it is not boring either, I imagine. Let us have a drink to easy, entertaining professions,” Mr Bennet concluded. “Should we go to the library, or would you rather stay here with the ladies?”
“You should stay a little longer,” Mary unexpectedly said, staring out of the window. “Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy have just arrived; they will enter any moment now.”