Chapter 4
Chapter Four
Ryder
“ R y? Is your friend okay?” Skeeter asked as I barreled into the house, not letting me dodge him as his hand darted out to fist the front of my shirt. “What happened? Why are you wet?”
“I’m a monster. I need to go to the nut house and throw away the key,” I blurted out, making him frown.
“Talk to me. Did you kill someone? Do I need to intervene and clean something up? Are you hurt?”
“Fuck, Dad. I hit her, and choked her so fucking hard. I—” He grabbed the back of my neck, dragging me closer so that we were nose to nose.
“Calm down and tell me who you hurt.”
“I can’t.” I didn’t want them knowing about me and Tempest. If they knew I was hanging around her, they’d freak out about me being near drugs again. Not to mention Archer would fucking kill me. He was going to anyway when he made Tempest tell him who beat her up. “We were banging, and she asked me to slap her a little. So I did, but it escalated to me choking her until she freaked out and tried to fight me off. She wanted it, but that’s not the point. I shouldn’t have done it. Fuck!”
“I thought you went to check on a suicidal friend, so how did that end up with you getting laid?” He sounded way too calm considering I just admitted to assaulting someone. “Or is this the same person?” When I nodded, he sighed and patted me on the shoulder. “Okay, sex talk. Let’s go down to the office so we have privacy in case someone comes home.”
“You’re not listening! I liked it! I hurt them and?—”
“They liked it too, right?”
“Yes, but?—”
“Come on, we’re about to have a seriously personal conversation.” I knew he cut Mom sometimes, but it didn’t seem that bad. I let him lead me down to the office, where he locked the door, pointing to a chair. “Sit.”
I did, my chest hurting.
“I don’t want to hurt people. There’s something wrong with me, I need help. It’s been getting worse lately. I hear voices in my head, you know? They tell me to do bad shit. I can’t fucking come without hurting someone.”
That was embarrassing to admit, but he patted my knee, his voice soft. “A lot of your issues are most likely from your addiction recovery, but it could also be sadism. It’s a real kink, Ry, and it’s okay if you’re careful and have a willing partner, which it sounds like you do.”
“So I’m a sadistic predator now?”
“No.” He rubbed his temples, leaning on his elbow to watch me. “I like hurting people too. I like being in charge.”
“We know you like to cut Mom.” I scrunched my nose. “Why?”
“I like making her bleed, Mark too. There’s just something about it that fascinates me, always has. Your mom definitely likes it more than Mark does though. Does your friend like it? She asked you to hurt her?”
He wasn’t judging me, and I relaxed the more we talked.
“Yeah. She self-harms a lot, and she’s asked me to cut her, but I’m worried about it. I don’t like that she hurts herself, but the thought of me being the one to do it?” I looked away, clearing my throat. “It really gets my dick hard.”
“I know what you mean, the same thing happens to me. I need to ask, but did you leave a crying girl somewhere after she tried to fight you off? Are we about to get hit with a rape charge?”
“No. She told me to choke her so that she was fighting me off. She knows I struggle to get off without something like that,” I mumbled, lifting my eyes to his. “It never used to be like this, I just liked pussy, but now I’m worried I won’t be able to finish without killing someone. What if I cut someone too deep? Or choke them and don’t let go? I blackout and it’s like the monster inside of me is in charge until I fucking come.”
“Suppressing it will make it worse. It’s okay to let it out, but you need to keep some kind of control. If you need medical help, call someone. We’ve had to stitch your mother up a few times over the years,” he chuckled, shaking his head slightly. “Maybe we should teach you to do stitches properly.”
“How is this funny?” I demanded, the humor leaving his face.
“Sorry, it’s not. If you want to keep seeing this girl, you need to sit down and have a good talk with her. Set boundaries for both of you.”
“I’m never seeing her again,” I said sharply, making him give me a strange look.
“Why not?”
“Dad, I went from cleaning up her cuts to hurting her more than she did to herself. It’s not healthy. We’re toxic together, and I told her we can’t see each other again.” I didn’t give a name, but I wondered if he knew just by my description. “She’s heavy on the drugs, and I can’t have people like that around me. I wanted to make sure she didn’t kill herself but that’s it. I need to put myself first.”
“You didn’t take anything with her?”
“No. I’ve been trying to get her clean, but she doesn't want to. She chose drugs over me, and that’s okay, but now I need to be firm and choose myself first. I can’t risk having her around.”
Pride shone in his eyes, and he ruffled my hair.
“You’re so strong, Ry. Seriously, you’re kicking ass. It’s hard putting yourself first, but you’re doing the right thing. Do you want to know any other sex stuff? I’m an open book. Nothing’s too weird for me, okay? If you’re cutting people, clean your blade properly. If it’s someone you don’t know well who wants to mess around, it probably couldn’t hurt to get some kind of contract written up to cover you. I know I don’t need to remind you that we’re loaded, which means people will be after a payout. If they push you to the point of marking them, they could try to pull together a rape case. Just a thought. I can get a lawyer to get something together if you need it, and no one else has to know.” He studied me for a second before walking across the room to the cupboards in the corner, rummaging through them before coming back with a flat box. “Here. I don’t want you using rusty old blades or something.”
I opened it, the new knife staring back at me. The handle was leather and had skulls printed onto it, the blade itself having a leather case over the top to stop you from stabbing yourself when carrying it around.
“You’re giving me a knife to hack girls up?” I deadpanned, making him snort.
“No, I’m giving you the healthiest way to explore your kinks. Sadism is common, and there are a lot of masochists out there too. Pain and pleasure have a fine line, and some people need to cross that line. It’s okay to explore that, Ry. People like different things.” I felt better about it, but that didn’t mean I was on board with hurting people. “Don’t stress. Do some research. Explore. Just don’t fucking kill anyone.”
“I’ll try,” I said dryly, getting to my feet and hugging him. I didn’t let go, and he tightened his arms around me.
“I promise, you’re okay. Come to me whenever you want,” he murmured, and I closed my eyes to savor it.
“Thanks, Dad. I love you.”
I loved my parents so much it hurt, which was why I had to stay clean. I didn’t want them worrying or hurt because of me.
“I love you too,” he promised, patting my back before stepping away. “Go put some dry clothes on. I need to head to the shed. Your sister’s beating up all my fighters again, and I told her I’d break it up by lunch. Call me if you need me.”
“Can you tell Beckett not to beat me up? I don’t remember, but apparently I gave Emerson a black eye at Wet Dreams,” I cringed, making him roll his eyes.
“I heard. Hunter got a call last night from Lexi to let us know you were drunk and making a nuisance of yourself in the club. Couldn’t hurt for you to go there sober later and apologize.”
He didn’t like Lexi all that much, never had, but he was a real stickler about us respecting all of our connected businesses.
Well, us kids anyway. I’d heard him call her names plenty of times.
“Yeah, I will.”
“Hey, could you tell me who your friend is so I can cut them off? I assume they buy from us.”
“Uh, they don’t, and I’m not telling you where they get theirs either, so don’t ask,” I chuckled nervously as his eyes narrowed.
“Someone else is selling in Ashburn Valley?”
“No, it’s out of town.”
“Fine. Stay out of trouble.” He opened the door and walked out, and I sat back down and dropped my head into my hands. I decided to check my phone, wishing I hadn’t when I saw texts from Tempest, one including a picture of her pussy that was still dripping with my cum.
Tempest: You’re not a monster, you’re just the villain of my story. I was never into knights in shining armor anyway.
Tempest: Thanks for coming to check on me and making sure I wasn’t dead.
Tempest: I know you said it was the last time, but call me if you ever want to mess around like that. I’d like to do it again.
I blew out a breath, startling when Maddox spoke behind me. “You good? Dad said to leave you alone, but I’m obviously not going to do that.” I locked my phone screen and slid it into my pocket, hoping he didn’t see who I was messaging. He definitely saw the pussy though from the way he was smirking. “Sexually frustrated, maybe?”
“Just came, actually. I’ve had a long day already,” I mumbled, leaning on my elbows as he sat in the chair beside me. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with Beckett at the shed?”
“Jett thinks you need me.” He gave me a dirty look. “You want to explain why you punched him last night? You got him good.”
“I honestly don’t remember. I’ll apologize to him.”
“He’s worried about you. He said you’re not back on the drugs, but you’re drinking more than normal. What's up?” I was mentally drained, and he must have sensed it because he changed the subject. “You want to hang out tonight? Video games and beer? Beckett’s going out with Evans, so you, me, and Jett can just chill at home.”
“What are they doing?”
“Beats me. Murder and mayhem, I assume,” he snorted, and I didn’t blame him. Beckett and Zane were so alike, but we also knew Beckett only saw him as a friend, despite Zane thinking they were a match made in the pits of hell. “I kind of want him to push her into fucking him. That way she’ll kill him and we don’t have to deal with him anymore.”
“Maybe she’ll decide to keep him and all four of you will live happily ever after?” I offered with a straight face, making him scowl.
“I love you, but I’ll beat the shit out of you if you say that again. Who are you fucking? You’re bleeding.” He motioned to my shirt and I sighed when I noticed the small droplets of blood seeping through. I pulled my shirt off, and he sucked in a breath, telling me it was worse than it felt. “Damn, bro. Did you fuck a barbed-wire fence?”
I ran my hands over my chest and arms, the raised skin still damp in places from the blood.
“I honestly haven’t seen it.”
“You look like you fought in the great chicken war, and the chickens won.” He held his phone up with the camera on so I could get a look, and I cringed slightly at the damage. She must have been terrified of me killing her if she’d fought that hard.
Maddox frowned, putting his phone away. “What happened? You’re not bragging about fucking someone within an inch of their life.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Ry,” he bit out sharply. “What did you do?”
“It’s fine, I talked to Skeet. I didn’t rape them if that’s what you’re thinking.” I couldn’t even be mad at his assumption because it sure as fuck looked like it. “It was consensual, drop it.”
“As long as you’re not about to get hauled off to prison. Mom would love that.”
“You know I have no problem getting pussy.”
“You’re too nice to be a creepy rapist. Look how you freaked out that one time you got handsy with Luna,” he said with a shrug, a stabbing pain hitting me in the chest.
I still couldn’t believe I’d acted like that.
How did something like that make me feel sick, but Tempest fighting me had made me fucking come in my pants? Maybe Skeeter was wrong, and I was slowly becoming a sick fuck.
What if that incident with Luna had started this entire chain of events that would lead to me hurting someone?
“Ry?” I jerked my eyes to Maddox’s, finding him frowning deeply at me.
“What?”
“I asked if you’re okay. You zoned out.” He stepped closer and peered at my face, making me scowl as I stood to put some space between us.
“I’m not fucking high, asshole.”
“Just checking. You’ve been a dick lately,” he said lightly. “So, who’s the girl who mauled you?”
“I will beat your face into your skull if you don’t shut up about it,” I threatened, but he gave me a knowing look. He’d flatten me with one hand.
“Sure you will. C’mon, you need to put something on those scratches or they’ll get infected.” I wanted to argue, but I knew he’d drag me if I didn’t go on my own, so I followed him upstairs to the kitchen, rummaging in the cupboard for some ointment. He snatched it from me before I could do anything and leaned past me to grab some alcohol wipes, cleaning the blood gently before applying the ointment as he spoke. “Do you need me to come home for a while?”
“I don’t need babysitting.” I gave him a dirty look, and he gave me one in return.
“I know that. I just thought maybe you’d like some company. Everyone’s so busy around here. Thought you’d just appreciate someone being around.”
That was the last thing I wanted. Then I’d have to drag Maddox to parties, Beckett would start coming too, then I’d never get time to myself.
I loved my family, but they could be overbearing at times.
I couldn’t blame them, they were worried about me relapsing, but I was doing good.
“No offense, but I like being by myself. I appreciate what you’re doing, but don’t. I get twitchy when you guys crowd me,” I mumbled, glancing over my shoulder at him as he finished applying ointment to my shoulders. “Every time I’m with you guys, we end up fighting anyway.”
“That’s because you turn into a dick,” he offered lightly, moving in front of me. “We love you, but you’ve been really hard to be around lately. We push past it because we know you’re dealing with shit and we’re proud of you for that, but you’ve gotta stop swinging at Jett when he’s trying to stop you from making dumb choices, and you can’t keep saying nasty shit to make yourself feel better.”
“You guys don’t get it,” I said with a frustrated huff, my skin tingling with irritation and causing me to flex my knuckles. “Some days, I just need to get high, but I can’t, so I get angrier and angrier until I snap. I know you guys are trying to help but getting in my face about stuff turns me into a raging asshole. I just need you to leave me alone when I’m like that.”
“So last night, Jett should've let you drive? Ry, you could hardly walk.”
“How the fuck do you know? You weren’t there,” I bit out. “You’re always with fucking Beckett.”
“How about we stop talking about this and get in my car? Your car’s still at our place, so we can hang out, then you can come home when you’re ready.”
He was eyeing me like I was a feral cat which just annoyed me more.
“Can I rinse off first? I have dried pussy all over me,” I grunted out, making him crinkle his nose
“You know—” I shot him a look, and he blew out a breath. “Never mind. Go get ready. Don’t get those scratches wet or I’ll have to put more ointment on them.”
I headed up to my bathroom to wash my dick and pull on some fresh clothes, inspecting my chest and back in the bathroom mirror before pulling a shirt on and grabbing my phone.
Ryder: Are you sure you’re okay?
I hadn’t even gotten back to the kitchen before she replied.
Tempest: Never been better. There’s a party tonight if you wanna come?
Ryder: I have plans.
Tempest: You know where I am if you need me.
I loved when she didn’t question what I was doing. Archer swore she didn’t have a mental health disorder, but Tempest’s emotions gave me fucking whiplash.
Some days she was detached from everyone, other days she was clingy as fuck. I guess she was having a good day now that I’d consensually assaulted her.
I didn’t bother replying, sliding my phone into my pocket and halting when I noticed Mom standing in the kitchen talking to Maddox. They both looked over at me and turned silent, telling me they’d been talking about me.
I fucking hated that.
“Let’s go,” I snapped more harshly than intended, not missing the sad look on Mom’s face. Some days when I was struggling, she was the only thing stopping me from driving my damn car off a cliff. I knew she wouldn’t cope with losing another one of us.
She’d freaked when Riley crashed her car while racing illegally eight months ago, so I couldn’t imagine the devastation I’d cause her if something happened to me.
“I’ll be home tonight, Mom.”
Her shoulders relaxed and she gave me a small smile. “That’s a nice surprise.”
“I bet.” I glanced at Maddox with annoyance. “Are you ready or do you want me to wait in the car while you finish talking about me?”
“That would be great. It’s easier when you’re not here because you can’t interrupt us,” he deadpanned, turning to Mom. “We’re just hanging at home, so don’t worry about us getting into trouble.”
I let them talk and headed outside for a cigarette, taking slow breaths as I walked. I needed to calm down or I was going to lash out more.
I didn’t want Maddox to punch me because that shit fucking hurt.
I’d had three cigarettes by the time Maddox joined me by his Charger, my irritation worse than it had been when I’d walked out here.
“Sorry, she was filling me in on something with the crews.”
“Whatever.”
He didn’t push for conversation as we got into his car, my phone pinging with a message once we were on the road.
Tempest: You sure you don’t want to come? Wolfe’s getting some of the good shit tonight.
My fingers hovered over the message as I read it three times. The temptation to do it was riding me hard.
I missed being high, but I’d managed to avoid it so far.
“Whoever you’re talking to, stop. You’re getting twitchy,” Maddox warned, snapping me out of my thoughts. I ignored Tempest and slid my phone into my pocket, not needing her to fuck up everything I’d done to stay clean.
“Girls, you know?” I joked lightly, and I could almost hear the wheels turning in his damn head as he glanced at me.
“Is this the same girl who tore you up? You seeing someone?”
“Me and her won’t work, so don’t get excited,” I murmured, looking out the window as we drove towards his house. “We’re like gasoline and fire. It wouldn’t end well for anyone.”
“If you need to scare toxic girls away, just mention it to Beck.”
“That’s a good idea. Then rumors can start that she’s fucking two of her brothers,” I deadpanned, a genuine laugh leaving him.
“She’s a good brotherfucker.”
“I fucking hate you,” I growled, spending the rest of the short drive glaring at him.