Chapter 55
A hazy glow floods the room when I finally wake. We forgot to pull the curtains. We forgot a lot last night. All that mattered was breaking each other in a way that allowed us to fit together better than we ever have before.
For a moment, I’m perfectly still. His arm is heavy across my middle, holding me to him limply. I let the soft golden dawn spin its fragile peace upon me.
Finally, I shift just a little to see if he stirs.
He doesn’t. I move a little more, my body protesting with the sweet aches of the night.
My skin is dotted with bruises from his mouth and his hands.
Nothing serious, but enough to remind me of what transpired and just how wonderful it was.
I could easily magic the marks away with a thought, but I don’t, wearing them like badges.
It’s strange how we can be ready to annihilate each other one second and then be peacefully curled up the next.
Maybe it is our rebellion against fate—yearning for each other despite what was lost. Anger in the betrayal of what was taken from us and passion in the mere presence of the other.
Maybe it’s just our nature, and fate never had a hand in it at all.
Luckily, the mattress is soft enough that my movements don’t wake him as I wiggle free. For a man who’s lived his life on alert, Kaelis is a surprisingly heavy sleeper. I sit and assess him from the edge of the bed.
His chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm.
His hair is a mess across his face, shadowing his eyes.
Tiny bruises from my mouth and faint lines from my nails cross him.
It always surprises me how, without his usual armor of sharp-edged arrogance, he’s gentle looking.
That unguarded expression is peaceful, vulnerable, even.
Before I can stop myself, my fingertips land on his forehead, barely there. Yet his brow briefly furrows, halting me. He relaxes once more. I brush the hair from his face and smile.
The motion is so natural it startles me. This admiration. This easy rapport with him…
I pull my hand back slowly, but my eyes stay locked on him. The visions are still present in the forefront of my mind, as is the night we shared, but there is something else there. Something that terrifies me more than anything else.
I love him.
I want to push the thought away, to bury it under something—anything—else. But it’s too late now. After all I’ve seen…after last night, I can’t any longer. The truth is right in front of me, and I will not let any twist of fate take it from me.
I love Kaelis.
The truth is as freeing as it is terrifying. I’m breathless and vulnerable in a way that I don’t want to be. But in this moment alone, I can allow myself to sit with the emotion. I can allow myself to stare at him as if he is the only thing that matters to me in the world.
Kaelis shifts slightly in his sleep, murmuring something that I can’t quite make out. He sounds somewhat distressed, and, before I can second-guess myself, I lean down and press a soft kiss to his temple before I leave.
Something tells me he won’t be surprised to find me gone before he wakes. The bed cold. And that same something tells me he’ll love me even more for it.
I rise from the bed and grab my deck, barely making a sound as I tiptoe to the door of his room.
I crack the door and peer out, scanning for Rewina.
Not seeing her or anyone else, I quickly enter the main entry and cross for the hall that was once mine.
There’s still clothing that fits me perfectly in the dresser.
As I bathe and dress, I use the Five of Coins to remove the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy.
Today is a day off for me, which means I can take my time making my way back to my room to avoid anyone seeing me. Back in the professors’ wing, I re-dress in clothes befitting a professor and not a prince’s lover. By the time I emerge, some of the students are beginning to wake.
Kaelis is at breakfast, looking stunning as always.
Though I don’t miss how high the collar is on the crushed velvet vest he wears over a crisp white shirt.
His eyes flick my way as I take my seat, landing on me for only a second; to anyone else, he seems bored.
I fight a smile and shift in my chair, enjoying the ache between my legs.
I sit at Arina’s bedside, holding her hand. She’s sedated, as she often is now. Even though she’s upright, staring out the window, her expression is vacant. Eyes dull. I reach over and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
“She’s going to get better,” Gregor says. But his confidence has waned over the past few months. The words are far more hollow than they ever were before.
“She will.” Yet, even as I speak, I’m not confident, either.
What will happen if she doesn’t return to her former self?
I dare to think. It’s the start of a nightmarish spiral.
One I’ve worked to avoid. Filled with questions about how we will get the golden Star card to summon the World if my sister isn’t able to ink it.
We won’t be able to wait forever…“I wish you could come and watch me ink the vessel; I think Mother would’ve wanted you to see. ”
Arina does not respond.
“Are you excited?” Gregor asks. “After you ink the vessel and I finally free Silas’s family, we’ll be inducted.
Sorza seems keen as well; she’s been trying to petition the Worldkeepers to let all the help she’s given me count as her induction test.” He leans against the wall between the windows of Arina’s room.
We’ve strung up curtains and quilts from the academy that now serve as tapestries to warm up her space.
I fight a smirk and a remark about how much he’s warmed up to her over the weeks they’ve worked together. Sorza was right about him having to get used to her. Even better, she succeeded in outright winning him over.
“I am excited, in a way,” I admit. In a satchel at my side are the supplies I’ll need to ink the vessel. We’re waiting for Vaduin to arrive to escort us to the legendary home of the Worldkeepers, where, according to him, the act must be done.
“In a way?” he repeats.
“It’s complicated.”
“I thought you believed in the Worldkeepers?”
“I do.” I sigh softly, trying to parse out my knotted thoughts that I’ve barely begun to pull apart for myself. “But having faith in an organization is different from wanting to be a part of it.”
He pushes away from the window, taking a step forward. Voice lowering and eyes glancing to the door—no doubt looking to see if any of the Worldkeepers are there—he whispers, “I thought we were joining them together?”
“I’m going to join them, Gregor,” I reassure him with a slight smile. “If for no other reason than to protect my memories from the remaking of the world.”
“That’s not a good enough reason to pledge yourself to an order. They deserve people who are committed—enthusiastic.”
People like you, I don’t say. “I agree with you, I do. And it’s not that I’m not committed…”
“What is it, then?”
“All my life, I’ve found myself relying on others to give me my place in this world: Mother, the Starcrossed Club, my role to play as a Major.”
“Did you not love being with us?” he interjects, tone wounded.
“I did,” I’m swift to reassure him. “I did. But looking ahead, thinking about what’s next, I’m not sure if I want to run to yet another organization to find my place and my purpose. I’m just beginning to see what I want for myself on my own; I don’t want to lose sight of it.”
My attention drifts back to Arina. I want to build something with her and with Kaelis. I want us to be in control of our destinies, surrounded by those we love, powerful and safe.
“Yeah, well…I don’t have a sister anymore to give me a purpose,” he mumbles, looking away.
“Gregor—”
“Don’t ‘Gregor’ me.” He rolls his eyes. “It’s true.” He shrugs like it doesn’t haunt him daily. “You have Arina, and—” He makes a gagging noise before forcing himself to say, “Kaelis. Twino and Ren have each other. I’ve got no one.”
“You still have us.” I reach out and grab his hand. He doesn’t pull away, but he doesn’t tighten his grip, either.
“Yeah, but we’re not the family we once were.
” He continues as I’m trying to object, “It’s fine, Clara.
We all grew, changed, moved on to the next stage of our lives.
You want a place to belong, and I want the same.
And lucky for me, that place is going to allow me to remember what happened so I don’t forget you once your wish is made.
It’s going to keep me at least as a part of your world. ”
“You always would be, no matter what,” I reassure him.
“Likewise.” He smiles, and I return the expression before shifting my attention back to Arina.
The conversation hits a chord that resonates dully within me. Forget…Will Arina forget me once the World is cast? No, whatever new World I’d make we would still be sisters within. I wouldn’t craft it any other way. Yet how much of us remains, and in what way?
There’s the matter of destiny having its own design. Of the not-quite-sentience of fate interpreting the wish.
And what of Twino and Ren?
Or Kaelis…My heart stops a beat. Kaelis.
Will he remember me, or merely some idea of me? The closer I get to inking the vessel and being inducted into the Worldkeepers, the more pressing these questions become. Once the vessel is made and I’m inducted, the only thing that stands in the way of summoning the World is getting Arina’s card.
The door to the main room opening jolts us from our discussion. I stand, and Gregor pushes off the wall. Vaduin and three other Worldkeepers are there. Vacelle peels off, coming to stand on the other side of Arina’s bed. She’ll stay with my sister.
“Shall we?” Vaduin looks between Gregor and me.
“Lead the way.” I’m apprehensive, but I work not to let it show. Leaning in, I kiss Arina gently on the forehead, then I follow behind Vaduin, Gregor behind me, and the two others close in tow.
We head toward the secret sanctuary of the Worldkeepers—the Stone Citadel—and within it the place where I will ink the vessel.