Chapter 34 #2
How was I supposed to behave normally? I focused on Gweneira instead.
She was in conversation with a serious-looking Light faerie with an impressive pair of slashing brows.
General Murdoch, the faerie in charge of their portion of the house army.
Gweneira glanced towards us, and her expression turned grim.
She touched Murdoch’s elbow, and the two of them turned and walked away.
“Oh,” Lara said, steps faltering.
Kallen moved into our path, and every thought flew out of my mind. “Kenna,” he said, voice slightly raspy. He cleared his throat. “It’s good to see you.”
All I could manage in response was a high-pitched “Hmm.”
Lara seemed baffled, but I could tell the moment she figured it out. Her eyebrows jerked upward, and she shot me a swift, incredulous look. “Lord Kallen,” she said, switching her attention to him. “What a surprise.”
Paranoia itched at my shoulder blades, and the room felt far too hot. “Yes,” I said, aiming for a composed demeanor. “Good morning, Kallen. I hope you…slept well. Last night.”
I can’t believe you , Lara’s narrowed eyes said.
“I was wondering if I might have a moment of your time,” Kallen said. “In private.”
Lara released my arm like it was on fire. “I have somewhere else to be, anyway.”
“You do?” I asked, torn between relief and nervousness.
“I have some very important drinking to do.” She stalked towards the refreshment table.
Kallen watched her go, face carefully blank. “Does she—”
“She figured it out.”
“Ah.” There was a weighty pause. “She does not seem pleased.”
“Where should we have this private discussion?” I asked. A bed?
He jerked his head towards the shelves.
I walked beside him, struggling to breathe. Faeries watched and whispered as we passed, and though that was normal at these events, paranoia told me it was because everyone knew what we had done.
Kallen led me halfway down an aisle. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, crossing his arms and leaning back against the shelf.
He’d apologized last night, too. “For what?”
“For being reckless. For being careless with your safety.” He shook his head, looking bitterly disappointed in himself. “For not realizing sooner that we weren’t alone.”
I realized belatedly that we might not be alone right now and checked for heartbeats, finding none close by. “The bird might not have been there for long,” I said, face flaming. “And if it was listening for conversations, we weren’t really…talking.”
His fingers flexed on his bicep. “There was enough.”
I would tear this world apart for you, Kenna. And I don’t deserve this, not a second of it, but I’m too greedy to stop .
I felt dizzy remembering the press of his body against mine.
It felt like there was a thread knotted below my navel, tugging me towards him.
I wanted his tongue in my mouth and his hands bruising my skin.
I wanted to collect more of those harsh, desperate noises he’d made against my lips.
I wanted to know how he would feel moving inside me.
“I wish I knew who was responsible,” I said, hating them bitterly for stopping me from finding out.
His jaw worked. “I think it was Gweneira.”
“Gweneira?” I asked, astounded. “Why?”
“Her belt.”
All at once, I remembered one of the Light lady’s favorite accessories: a golden belt with a metal sparrow perched on it. “Shards,” I breathed. “I should have realized sooner.” That explained her frosty stare today.
“I should have, too.” Kallen’s voice was laced with judgment. “She’s made a study of Fae history and artifacts, and she always knows more than she should.”
I tried to find something positive in the situation. “At least it’s better than Imogen finding out. Gweneira won’t try to use this against us.”
“If you declare for Hector, she might. She could argue you’re easily swayed and Void House manipulated the outcome.”
I shook my head. “She promised to abide by the same agreement the rest of us did. Whoever ends up leading, we’ll overcome our differences to support them.”
His mouth was pressed into a tight line. “I don’t know if I believe that.”
I didn’t know if I believed it, either. “What’s done is done. We’ll tell the others we’re involved, but it won’t affect my decision—”
“No.”
The interruption startled me. “No? What do you mean, no?”
Kallen straightened and dropped his hands to his sides. “You weren’t thinking clearly last night. I took advantage of your distress.”
My jaw dropped. “Excuse me?”
“It was a mistake,” he said in a cold voice. “You don’t want this.”
I flinched. It wasn’t just the voice; all of him was becoming ice before my eyes. Flat stare, rigid jaw, military posture. The King’s Vengeance.
Anger and humiliation mixed. “Don’t you dare presume to tell me what I want.”
“I’m a monster, Kenna,” he said, each syllable precise and dagger sharp. “And last night I did something unforgivable.”
“Why are you talking about it like something you alone did?” I snapped. “I kissed you because I wanted to.”
There was a crack in his cold expression, a fleeting look of agony. “You shouldn’t have wanted to.”
I knew what this was. This was the same self-hatred Kallen always flogged himself with, except this time it was hurting me, too. Furious, I gripped the front of his tunic. “You don’t get to decide that. All you get to decide is what you want. Do you no longer want me, Kallen?”
His throat bobbed. He didn’t reply.
I wanted to shake him. He did want me. He’d just decided it was impossible or that he was a bad person for wanting me or that I deserved someone better. All three, probably. But he was acting like he’d somehow forced this on me, and that was unacceptable.
“Tell me,” I said, lips growing numb. “Tell me you don’t want me.” I shifted closer, until my skirts brushed his shins. “You never lie to me. So look me in the face and tell me the truth.”
We were both breathing hard. He leaned closer, breath puffing across my lips, and my eyes drifted half shut.
“Everything I touch dies,” Kallen whispered.
Then he was pulling away from me, dissolving from beneath my hold. My fingers clenched on shadow and empty air. The patch of darkness lingered for a moment before swirling away, leaving me alone and aching for the second time.
I struggled to keep my face impassive as I returned to the party. A few onlookers eyed me curiously, but what would they have seen if they’d been looking? Just a quiet argument between two faeries.
Kallen had run away from me. Again.
“Coward,” I muttered bitterly.
He was probably telling himself he was protecting me from the complications of a romance.
Or maybe he planned to deny both of us unless I supported Hector.
I considered the idea as I glowered at an embroidery display, then swiftly rejected it.
Kallen played politics, but not like that. He didn’t use seduction as a tool.
So why was he determined not to let himself have even a scrap of joy? He’d looked nearly panicked last night after that bird had flown away.
Everything I touch dies .
I closed my eyes, allowing the words to sink past the lingering heartache. Kallen was always honest with me, which meant he believed what he’d said. He was afraid of losing me.
No, more than that. He was afraid of causing my death.
I breathed out, letting go of some of my anger. Why did he believe that touching me—loving me—would kill me?
“Kenna.”
My stomach sank. I opened my eyes to find Drustan at my side. He was dressed particularly kingly today, in cloth of gold that matched the golden stars dotted through his hair. He was smiling, but his eyes were flat.
“Drustan,” I said, feeling queasy. Because if Gweneira knew what Kallen and I had done…
“Walk with me,” he ordered, turning on his heel.
I bristled at the order, but I wasn’t going to cause a scene. It was better to resolve this now, rather than stewing in anxiety. “We’re leaving?” I asked as he led me towards the exit.
“Unless you’d prefer to take me into the stacks?” he asked sharply. “You’ll earn a reputation if you do that too often.”
“Oh, please,” I said, seething. “As if my reputation could ever come near yours.”
He shot me a nasty look but didn’t reply. Instead he bowed and held the door open like the perfect gentleman he wasn’t.
Faeries strolled up and down the corridor outside—nobles not important enough to be invited to the party, but wanting to be near the center of power.
Drustan’s scowl instantly transitioned into a grin.
“A bit dull, don’t you think?” he asked, offering me his arm.
“Imogen’s losing her touch. But no matter—you simply must sample a new wine I had imported from Elsmere. ”
I returned the smile, annoyed nearly beyond bearing. “Do I have a choice?”
“You always have a choice, Kenna.” He leaned in to murmur the rest near my ear. “I wish you’d make wiser ones, though.”
“Are we going to talk about this in private, or are you trying to goad me into stabbing you right here?”
His eyes narrowed. “Come, then.”
The library was located between Fire and Earth territory, and I felt a twinge of alarm when he started leading me up the ramp towards Fire House. He stopped outside a familiar door and held it open.
I took a deep breath, then entered the room.
The study where we’d conducted our affair was smaller than I remembered. The bookshelves, the desk with its decanter of wine, the red-and-yellow-striped couch. What a grand passion I’d thought I’d discovered here, and the entire world had seemed bigger because of it.
I took a wide path around the couch towards the desk, gripping the back of the accompanying chair as nerves rioted through me.
Drustan warded the door with fiery orange magic, then spun to face me. The cheerful mask instantly dropped. “You’re choosing Hector,” he snarled.
The vehemence was startling. I’d expected him to be angry about my entanglement with Kallen, considering our history, but this was what he truly cared about. “I haven’t decided yet.”