Chapter 6
CHAPTER SIX
DARIA
P apà stood at the end of the dark corridor. Rain clattered on the skylight between us. Pitta pat. Pitta pat. He looked the same. Just like he always did. His smile could warm my bones, just like it always did. I knew it even if I couldn’t see it.
“Papà?” I choked out. It felt so tangible. Even though I knew it was a dream. A yearning to grab and to hold overtook me. But I stood frozen. Not a twitch in my muscles that made me move.
He stepped towards me. Each step he took brought a thump to my heart and brought him closer to me. I knew what he would do. He always did the same. Even in my dreams. His hands would touch the crown of my head and stroke it. His touch would feel the same, and he would whisper, “It’ll all be okay, Ria.” Over and over, that’s all I’d dreamed from the moment I’d seen him, covered in crimson. I was sure of it.
Except this time, words never spilled from his mouth. A flash of light and he stood illuminated before me. But it wasn’t Papà anymore. Vitale stood. Dark. Covered in a fluid colored crimson. So much of it.
My heart pounded in my chest. The walls of the hallway pushed in on me. Let me out. Let me out. A scream lodged in my throat. Let me out! I broke free from the shield that held my voice, and I screamed and screamed till the light went on, and I was wrapped in strong arms, and I screamed some more. “Shhh… I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” Vitale. I crawled my way onto him and wrapped myself around him. I wasn’t losing him too. He was alive. Only Papà was dead. My breath hitched. He was dead. There was a wetness on my face and an emptiness lodged in my heart. It wasn’t right. I shouldn’t have been missing him. He was an awful human being. Awful.
“Shh… I’ve got you.” Vitale’s soft, deep voice. “Breathe with me.”
I tried. His breath. Mine. His breath. Mine. The pounding in my heart reduced to a soft lub-dub. His breath. Mine. His breath. Mine. My tears stilled. Only sobs remained. His breath. Mine. His breath. Mine. My grip on his neck loosened and I plonked back on the bed.
He gave me a sad smile. “Papà?”
I managed a shaky nod. He didn’t need to know everything.
“It’s okay to miss him, Daria.” I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down. “He was a good father to you.” But not for him. Or a husband to Mamma. Went unsaid.
Why couldn’t it be only love or hate? Not love and hate.
He stroked his thumb on my cheek. Where Mamma had hit me with her pain, he soothed me with his love. “We can still get out of this,” he said tightly.
If only we could. I shook my head vigorously.
“Why not?” he asked gruffly, even if he knew it was insane to question it.
Crimson in our home. Again. “He’s not too bad,” I choked out.
Vitale let out an angry laugh. “You don’t even know him.”
Didn’t I know it. “What are you still doing here?” I changed the subject. The clock on the nightstand said it was close to midnight. He moved out of the house a long time ago. It was the only way that he could survive Papà without killing him.
“Had some stuff to do.” His eyes met mine. “You’ll be okay?”
I nodded because I would not give words to my lies.
He stood up. My brother was tall. He had touched shoulders with Lorenzo. Six feet three. But when Vitale towered over me, I felt protected. I had the feeling it wouldn’t be the same with the Don of New York.
“If you ever need something, you call me. Sì ?” His voice rasped like dark memories in the room. “I couldn’t protect Mamma. That’s going to be different with you. Capisti ?”
I clutched his hand tightly. That’s what I was afraid of. “I’ll be fine.” But we both knew my assurance was as fake as Papà’s love for his wife.
I watched Vitale leave with guilt, a heavy pit in my chest. I rocked on the bed with my arms clutched around my knees as Orietta’s words went in a loop in my head.
“ If a man like Martello took my virginity, he’d own me! You think I am going to give a man a power like that over me?”
Divya’s words slithered through my mind.
“Anyway, first times aren’t that great.”
“With the right man, it’s amazing.”
Except there was no right man. I’d be married in two days. Two days . Rage fueled me. For the thousandth time, I cursed the day I was born a girl. Determination shot through me. My fingers trembled as I messaged Luna to the sound of Vitale driving away. If there was anyone who would understand me more than myself, it would be her. She wasn’t in the Cosa Nostra, but she was my partner in crime. We’d got into so much trouble, and half the stuff my family didn’t even know about. It was time for some more of it. Perhaps for the final time.
By the time the pebbles hit my window, I was dressed in a short black dress, fishnet stockings, and black boots. The sluttiest ensemble I could manage by cutting the dress I wore for Papà’s funeral in half. It was only fitting. Another sacrifice of a part of me to erase the scars that he had left behind. This wasn’t me, but I needed to do this to be sure the Don of New York didn’t own me.
The moment I opened the window, I regretted my choice of clothing. I hadn’t thought about going down the gutter wearing a dress. My inner thighs were lined with red angry lines by the time my feet touched the ground.
“What happened to trousers?” Luna asked, hugging me the moment I walked over to her.
Her hug was tighter and longer than on any other day. She tried her best to bring warmth to my trembling form. She knew how heavy this was on me. Luna and I were opposites. She was tall to my moderate height. Dark-haired to my brunette. She was a tomboy, and I was a frilly girl. She was modern compared to my conservative upbringing. I wanted to be her, and she wanted to be herself. That’s why I loved her. The confidence that she oozed was like a fashion vibe, and everyone wanted to ride that train to be part of it. She was a pioneer. She did things, and I followed. This would be the first time I would do something she wouldn’t need to.
“Dress is easier.”
She nodded tightly. “You sure about this?”
“Yeah. Let’s go before the guards come around.”
We sneaked out of the garden, sliding through the hedges, and walked down the street to Luna’s parked car. Yet another thing we differed in. She knew how to drive. She only needed the key to drive a car. I’d have to look for a driver and a bodyguard.
Thick silence hung between us in the car. The longer we drove, the faster my heart beat. I’d done some reckless shit. There was a reason that Mamma called me impulsive. But those were innocent compared to this. The worst I’d done was run off and get my hair chopped to spite Mamma when I was fifteen. She’d gone mad and locked me up in my room for a week. The consequences would differ from what I was contemplating doing.
We drove out of Corleone and into Palermo. The air was dry and sparked electricity. A storm was brewing, and I felt it in my veins. The decision I had made weighed heavy on my chest. My hands were clammy, and my thighs pasted onto the fake leather of Luna’s passenger car seat. The pounding in my ears was so hard I couldn’t tell if the music was on or off. Luna was quiet. That’s what I loved about her. She’d be there for me if I went through with it or not.
The heavy thumping of music announced my fate. We couldn’t find parking near the club. One that Luna had hunted down that wasn’t owned by anyone who knew my family. Palermo wasn’t their outfit. But it didn’t hurt to double-check.
“Drop me off here.” I didn’t even recognize my voice. It wheezed, broken.
“I’m not leaving you alone. Let’s find parking and—”
“No.” I clutched her arm. I took a shaky breath. “I need to do this, and fast. Please. I don’t want to back out.”
“I don’t know about this, Daria.”
Minchia! I hated that I was dragging her along to my downfall, but I didn’t need her backing out on me. Dread pulled at me. What will I do if she backs down? “Come on, you said he’ll be nice. What’s there to worry about? Besides, you’ll make me nervous. I don’t want anyone I know around.”
“No.” Her lips stiffened into a determined line. “I am coming along.”
“Fine,” I mumbled and let go of her arm. She did a U-turn to drive around. “Just drop me here, and I’ll wait for you.”
“I thought we just—”
“Have you seen these heels? I’m not walking from where we park to here.”
She cursed loudly and double-parked on the street to the honking of the cars behind us. Nothing unusual, really. Italians loved their horns as much as Cosa Nostra loved their guns.
She twisted around and fixed her stare on mine. “You’ll stay here?”
“I just told you I will.”
“You promised. Remember that. Now get out.”
I jumped out and watched her drive off like a madwoman. She’d hurry to get back, and I didn’t lie. I was going to wait for her. I was. Except the pounding of my heart was going to get me killed, and I needed to pee. Badly. I didn’t know what I had to do first. My organs were all messed up, and I was in a full fight-or-flight mood. Minchia! I am getting this over with.
I put on the wig that Luna had brought with her, crossed the street, and walked to the club. My lips trembled as I gave the guy at the door a coy smile and sneaked inside without showing an ID. The moment I stepped in, the music took over my heartbeat. As if it wasn’t beating to a wild beat already. The heaviness of alcohol and sweaty bodies clung to me. The flashing lights thumped to the beat of my pulse. I stumbled blindly through the crowd to the bar. My eyes skittered to find him. There was a guy with his back to me. I slid along the bar and tapped on his shoulder with a shaking hand. When he turned around, he was all that was wrong and that was right. He was blond, pale, and had a boyish look going for him. Complete opposite of the men of Cosa Nostra . “Aldo?” I whimpered.
His face lit up with a kind smile. “You must be Luna’s friend.”
LORENZO
I grabbed the phone ringing on the nightstand on the second ring. I was never a heavy sleeper but Sicily and a wedding two days away kept me away from any kind of sleep.
“Yeah,” I snapped, sitting upright and glancing at the clock. Two a.m.
“Boss, I didn’t want to disturb you—” My blood ran cold when I recognized the voice of one of my men on the other end who was trailing my future wife.
“What’s wrong?”
“She sneaked off with a friend.” I shot out of bed. “They drove off to Palermo, to a club.” A chill as cold as frostbite crawled under my skin. I switched on the speakerphone and haphazardly started throwing on clothes. My mind raced even as I listened to words being uttered on the other end. Is she running away? A guy? Is she eloping?
“What the fuck do you mean you can’t find her?” I bellowed through the phone.
“She was in the club, boss. They had a couple of drinks.” Drinks? What the fuck were my men doing watching while she had drinks? “Then they just took off. I think…” the voice trailed off at the other end.
Stefano came out of his room in his boxers, and his eyebrows raised. “Get dressed,” I snapped at him. “You think what, Elio?”
“I think they are in the hotel next door. But I can’t find them.”
I swear a fuse blew in my body somewhere, and hot, boiling blood flew through my veins. I strode into Stefano’s room and threw my phone at him, barely missing his face. “Get the fucking address.” The pulse in my head throbbed to the beat of my long strides. I took my gun, stalked into Nico’s room, and blew a hole through the outside wall. Nico sat up calmly in bed with a gun raised in his hand. Stefano stood at the door, a phone glued in between his jaw and shoulder, as he pulled his pants on.
“Get dressed,” I roared as I strode off with the keys to my rental in my hand. She called me unhinged. I’d show her exactly how unhinged I was. Either she was an idiot, or she was insane. She should have known there was no backing out of this deal the moment she said, I’ll marry you .
DARIA
He’d wanted to do it slow, and I wanted it just done. He was sweet. I didn’t care. I couldn’t care. One day he’d make some girl happy and stay faithful to her. Not me, though. In two days, I’ll be married to a madman who swapped his fiancee's as quickly as he swapped smokes.
I imagined Aldo, a stranger I hadn’t known till an hour ago, wouldn’t do that. A twinge of pain at a future I would never have rushed through my body. I clogged it instantly and blanked my mind to it. What was the point of crying about a future that was never mine to begin with?
He had brought lubricant. That was good because even though I’d had a shitload of alcohol and my world was swirling like a merry-go-round, I was still stiff as a steel rod. I hitched my dress up and glanced up at the ceiling. It looked like someone had put dried popcorn into a blow dryer and spattered the ceiling with it.
“You are gorgeous,” Aldo murmured as he unzipped himself.
I smiled a fake smile. What was the point of being gorgeous when nothing was my choice? Except for this.
Shit, it felt too real when he pulled his thickness out. I clenched my eyes shut because I didn’t… I couldn’t get myself to look at a stranger’s erection. My legs trembled, even though he was being kind. I had told him not to touch me, but somehow now I wondered if it would feel better than this if he did.
No one can own me like this. No one can own me like this.
My virginity. My choice.
I dropped my head to the ceiling again. I had a feeling I would never be able to eat popcorn again.
“You sure about this?”
My fist trembled around the slip I’d taken off. With a sigh, I looked at him. He didn’t look like an asshole, and he didn’t look mad. He just looked worried. Like he actually cared. I pushed off the twinge of guilt that threatened to run up my spine. It wasn’t my fault that he actually believed my made-up boyfriend only wanted to fuck a non-virgin. “Just hurry.”
“Such a romantic,” he grumbled.
A sudden shot of annoyance riddled my nerves. What the hell was he grumbling about? “We’re in a filthy hotel. I’ve already forgotten your name, but I paid you to take my virginity. Can you now please stick on a condom and do that?”
“Damn! I was just trying to make it better for you.”
“Well, don’t. It’s not going to be better,” I choked out.
He frowned but put on the condom obediently and squeezed the lubricant on me. It was cold. Cold as I will be when my husband fucks me in two days. He’ll never get my heart. He’ll never get to degrade me. He’ll never own me.
Aldo came on top of me and nudged his penis in my hole. Minchia! Was I really doing this? My chest felt clogged again. It was supposed to relieve me. Not fill me up with guilt. Lorenzo’s face coasted through my mind. Would he be disappointed? That he didn’t get the virginity he signed for? That he didn’t own his wife. I needed more alcohol.
“Relax,” Aldo whispered.
I closed my eyes and imagined a warm beach and sunny shores somewhere other than in Sicily. That was tough since I’d never been anywhere outside of Italy. I wondered what New York would be like.
Burning. Something was burning down there, and I looked only I couldn’t see with my dress in the way. Just the way I wanted it. This show wasn’t worth getting a ticket for.
“Just a little further,” he whispered.
I shifted uncomfortably. I felt prodded, nudged, and what felt before like pins and needles felt more like a bloody cannon at my gate. It hurt like hell. Divya had said it would hurt a little. Was this little, then? I didn’t want it anymore and terror filled me from within till it thumped on my chest. I wanted to tell him I had changed my mind. But I couldn’t say it anymore. Couldn’t find the words, and the only thing that I did find was the sharp pain of something being torn. I pushed back the scream that crawled up my throat, but I couldn’t do the same for the tears spilling out of my eyes. He didn’t have to tell me. I knew I wasn’t a virgin anymore. But there wasn’t anything to celebrate. Only an emptiness welcomed me. The deed was done. Not a moment later, the door crashed, and my future husband heaved in the doorway.