Chapter 5 #2
Held at last, Seb’s shaking doesn’t stop; in just a few short breaths it turns into sobs.
He hasn’t ever cried like this before, rattling with shame from an unknown place within him, a place where previously he thought he was just bone, tissue and blood.
He couldn’t hold back even if he tried and Eddy takes it all.
Even when Seb stills a little, Eddy keeps his body strong, braced for another wave which comes again and again until at last he’s empty and a new stillness, heavy and sad, fills his chest. He keeps his eyes half closed as he pulls away, sinking to the tarmac.
Eddy steadies Seb first and then comes to sit next to him as he slowly opens his eyes fully, wincing against the court floodlights, Eddy’s unusually calm face coming into gradual focus.
They sit in silence, breathing together, until Seb takes a longer, deeper breath on his own and says the words Eddy’s said to him many times before: ‘I’ve really fucked up.’
Seb rolls his lips together, between his teeth, unsure of the words but unable to stop them.
‘I cheated. On Rosie.’
Eddy’s eyes are soft, his gaze gentle. He knows this territory. ‘You had sex with someone else?’
Seb nods, feels the tears start to roll again. ‘We hadn’t– Rosie and I– we hadn’t had sex in so long. We kept arguing about it, I tried to make things better but no matter what I…’ Seb shakes his head, swats the tears from his eyes. ‘It’s been a year now, but even back then I was…’
‘A year!’
Seb feels a shift in Eddy, like Eddy is coming back from wherever they just journeyed together.
Now he’s started, Seb can’t stop; he has to get the words out of his body. His voice is quiet but calm as he says, ‘Eddy, I…’
‘Tell me, mate.’ Eddy’s eyes are wide, ready.
‘I found her online.’
Eddy stumbles and asks, ‘Were you drunk?’
‘No, I… We met in the day.’
‘You planned it?’
Something in Eddy’s tone pulls Seb back.
‘How many times did you do it?’ Eddy is needy, wanting the facts fast before Seb changes his mind and clams up.
‘Twice, only twice, a few months ago.’
‘Ah. OK.’
Seb watches as Eddy battles to keep his expression neutral.
‘Are you going to tell Rosie?’
‘No. No, definitely not.’
Eddy’s forehead lifts in surprise.
‘Why are you looking at me like that?’
‘Mate, I’m not looking at you like…’ Eddy starts defensively, but then changes course, saying more gently, ‘It’s just a lot to take in, that’s all. So this happened a little while ago?’
Seb glances at the sky. He’s come this far and, besides, this whole thing has only become a big issue since he came home and found her in his fucking house.
‘She, um, the woman, she turned up…’
But Seb’s talking too slowly for Eddy, who asks loudly, ‘Turned up where, mate?’
Seb looks at Eddy, his face frozen, greedy for whatever bombshell is next.
Seb realizes that Eddy is only impatient for the explosion; he doesn’t care what damage it may cause.
Seb had thought, with Eddy’s arms around him, when their breath felt like the same breath, that he’d tell Eddy everything.
That he’d chosen her from hundreds of profiles, that she’d moved to Waverly, that he’d come back with a takeaway to find her drinking wine with his wife.
But now he knows it’s not safe. It’s not safe to tell Eddy any more, so when Seb rolls on to his knee to stand, dusting grit from his legs, Eddy follows his lead and says, ‘What were you going to say, Seb– where did she turn up?’
‘It was just a message, that was all, a text she sent. I’ve blocked her number. I won’t ever see her again, I can promise you that.’
Eddy looks numbly at Seb, disappointed, like he knows he’s being lied to.
‘Look, mate, I’m sorry to lay all this on you. I’ve been stressed, with the new job, tensions at home. I suppose it just got too much.’
Eddy nods. ‘Are you going to find someone else?’
‘No!’ Seb shakes his head, appalled. ‘No. I don’t want anyone else; I’ve only ever wanted Rosie. I want to fix my marriage.’
He should never have told Eddy; it was a mistake, a huge mistake. He’d thought he’d feel better for sharing, that his brotherly camaraderie with Eddy would relieve some guilt, but Eddy’s clumsiness has only made him feel grubbier than ever. Thank God he didn’t tell him everything.
Eddy looks like he’s about to ask another question but thinks better of it and shuts his mouth.
Seb looks towards the tennis club building. They usually play until they’re kicked off by the next booking, but even though no one’s walking towards them, swinging racquets, he says, ‘We’re probably running out of time.’
Eddy nods; he wants this to be over, too.
‘Eddy, I can trust you, can’t I? With what I’ve just shared.’
‘Of course you can, mate, of course.’ But Eddy can’t quite meet Seb’s eye as he says, ‘Listen, Seb, trust me on this one. You’ve got to tell Rosie.’
Now Seb’s shaking his head; he needs Eddy to shut up.
Eddy doesn’t understand, doesn’t know the real reason why he can never tell Rosie, but Eddy keeps talking, ignoring Seb.
‘The only thing that convinced Anna to give me another chance was the fact that I came clean, that I told her as soon as I walked through the front door. I told her. Really. It’s a way of showing respect, proving you want to work on your marriage. ’
You fucking hero, Eddy , Seb thinks cruelly, but he keeps his voice gentle as he says out loud, ‘Good advice, mate, thank you.’
Eddy cups his palm around Seb’s shoulder. ‘You’re my best friend, Seb, always have been. I only want to help. You know you can trust me, don’t you?’
Seb nods without saying anything and Eddy pats him on the back. Seb has to resist the urge to shrug his warm palm off him.
‘You’ll tell her, right?’ Eddy asks and Seb still doesn’t need to say anything, just nods before he starts to pack their balls and racquets away in silence and they walk side by side back towards the pavilion.
Usually, at the end of a game, Eddy opens his arms to commiserate or to congratulate Seb, but tonight he looks unsure.
Instead, he holds Seb’s upper arm. ‘Well done for telling me, mate, and good luck with Rosie. Call me anytime, yeah?’
Seb slings his tennis bag over his shoulder and starts walking home, the night closing in around him.
He has the urge to keep walking, to never stop, to walk until his body– his stupid, needy, traitorous body– dissolves into the human sludge it really is.
A car passes him, the driver waving, and even though he doesn’t know who it is, he automatically waves back, because it’ll be a parent or one of his mum’s friends, someone he’s known for years.
As he walks, he feels like he’s carrying all the people he loves on his shoulders.
They’re all stacked in a precarious pyramid with Seb wobbling and straining at the bottom, trying to keep them all up.
But tonight, by telling Eddy, he’s started to tremble under the weight, and Seb knows he’s not strong enough to keep them all from falling.