Chapter 13 #2
Anna has been ending every message to Rosie with ‘love you’ since Saturday, which to Rosie feels more indicative of Anna’s guilt, for not telling Rosie that Abi and Seb had had sex, than genuine love for her.
Rosie wishes for the millionth time that, apart from Maggie, her architect friend in Sydney, she hadn’t let her old friendships from school and university fade over time.
She’d known it was happening, especially after they moved to Waverly, but her children were so young, her life already overly stuffed with people.
She couldn’t handle any more, so letting those relationships splutter and die had felt more like a relief than a loss.
Until now. Now she just has Anna and a handful of other Waverly women whom she calls friends, who no longer feel safe.
Especially not now when she really needs help.
Rosie dresses, for once not caring that her dimply bottom and sagging breasts are on display.
She slowly makes her way along the beach to the cafe; it’s windy so she clamps her arms around herself in a hug to try to keep warm.
Her hair is cold and wet, like seaweed dangling around her face.
She’s shivering by the time she arrives at the almost empty cafe and sees Anna sitting at a table for two in the far corner by the window, a pot of tea and two mugs in front of her.
Anna stands and opens her arms as soon as Rosie walks through the door.
The young girl behind the counter glances up from her phone to look at Rosie, but the screen drags her eyes back immediately.
It’s good to feel Anna’s soft, warm body against her own. Anna kisses the side of her face and Rosie shakes her head so Anna knows it’s not her fault as she whispers, ‘I’m so sorry, I’m sorry about all this, Ro.’
When Rosie at last pulls away, Anna rubs Rosie’s upper arms and says, ‘You’ve been swimming!’
Rosie nods. ‘I had to clear my head.’
Anna’s doing her best to hide it, but Rosie can still feel her excitement, the anticipation just behind her gentleness. It’s in the way she smiles, the spark in her eye. Anna’s always loved drama.
They sit and Anna pours tea, adding two spoonfuls of sugar to Rosie’s mug without asking before handing it to her.
The hot mug in Rosie’s hands feels wonderful.
Anna settles back in her seat, spine straight, braced and waiting, which Rosie knows is challenging for her.
They don’t mention how upset Rosie had been that Anna hadn’t told her earlier about Seb; Anna has already explained her reasoning in texts and, besides, there are more important things to talk about now.
When Anna can’t take the silence any more, she leans in and says, ‘I want you to know, anything you tell me won’t go any further.
I won’t tell anyone. I promise.’ Adding as an afterthought, ‘Not even Eddy.’
Anna says it like she’s bestowing a great gift on Rosie rather than offering her the simple dignity of confidentiality.
Still, Rosie remembers how hard it was talking to Anna after Eddy’s affair, the pressure she felt to find the right words, so she nods and mutters, ‘Thanks,’ before adding with a sigh, ‘I talked to Abi the other day, just before pick-up.’
‘Fuck.’
‘Yup.’
Anna’s eyes pinball around Rosie’s face, trying to keep her talking, but she doesn’t, so Anna says, ‘Well, I hope she apologized.’
Rosie frowns, threads her fingers through her salt-stiff hair and says quietly, ‘She didn’t, actually.’
Anna tuts, rolls her eyes.
‘You think she should?’
‘Ro– she had sex with your husband. More than once. Yes, she owes you a bloody apology! She owes you a thousand apologies and it still wouldn’t be enough in my view.’
There’s a part of Rosie that likes Anna’s interpretation of all this, part of her that wants to be the uncomplicated victim.
Anna leans towards Rosie, eyes gleaming as she asks in a whisper, ‘Did she say anything about being a prostitute?’
‘Umm, not really.’
‘So she said something about it…’
‘Anna.’ Rosie holds up her hand to get her to stop.
‘Too much, you’re right, too much. Sorry, Ro.’
They sit in silence for a moment before, again, Anna’s had enough and asks quietly, ‘So, did he find her online?’
Rosie nods. She sees them all again, all those thrusting, parading, hairless women cooing how much they love sex; how Seb must have, at some level, believed they were waiting desperately for him. It was pathetic. Laughable. The lies they were all telling themselves.
‘Yes, and about a thousand other prostitutes.’ Rosie feels a fresh slap of rage as she says the words out loud, but why shouldn’t she? Why should she protect him? ‘Another thing he lied about.’
Anna actually gasps. ‘He didn’t just see Abi?’
Rosie shrugs because, really, what the hell does she know about her husband any more?
‘Where did you find this out?’
‘On his computer.’
‘The one from school?’
Rosie nods and notices how Anna’s eyes widen and her mouth clenches like she’s stopping herself from shouting something out loud.
‘It’s the premeditation that really hurts,’ Rosie says, more to confirm the fact to herself than to share it with Anna.
Anna nods like she understands, but she doesn’t because she repeats, ‘Premeditation?’
Rosie looks away, waits for Anna to twig.
‘Oh, you mean the planning that went into it. Booking the time, buying the train ticket, making sure you were busy so you wouldn’t be suspicious, taking the cash out…’ Rosie holds up her hand again to show that’s enough. Anna’s made her point.
‘You’re right,’ Anna says, reaching for Rosie’s cold hand. ‘All that stuff, I can’t imagine. It must make it so much harder.’
Anna doesn’t need to explain herself. They both know what she’s getting at. That what Seb’s done is worse, much worse than what Eddy did. Even in infidelity there are hierarchies.
Rosie takes a sip of tea before saying, ‘Then there’s all this other stuff, like, at some deep level, Seb wants women to perform for him no matter the cost to them. I mean, how fucked up is that?’
Anna is back to shaking her head and says, ‘It’s so disturbing. It’s all deception and suffering, when you think about it.’
Rosie has the unsettling feeling that her friend is looking at the same problem but from a different angle to Rosie. She takes another sip of tea and Anna does the same.
‘Have you had a chance to think about what you want to do?’ Anna asks. ‘If you want to kick him out for good or…’
Rosie shakes her head and remembers asking a sobbing Anna something similar two years ago, before Anna adds, ‘Take your time, love. I’ll support you, help in any way I can. You do know that, don’t you?’
Rosie nods, feebly, and Anna, apparently energized from the tea, asks with renewed vigour, ‘Listen, there’s something specific I need to talk to you about, something I feel I have to do, but before I ask, I just want to check you got the link I sent through for the clinic?’
‘Clinic?’
‘The STI clinic.’ Anna mouths the ‘STI’ bit even though there’s no one around to hear them.
Rosie must look blank because Anna says, ‘I know it’s probably the last thing you want to think about, and I know you guys haven’t had sex for a year, but still, I heard that London is smothered in gonorrhoea these days, so I really…’
‘What did you say?’ Rosie leans forward, feeling blood rush, hot and sudden, back into her face.
‘Yeah, there’s this really nasty strain of gonorrhoea…’
‘No, the bit before– about me and Seb, about us not having sex. Who told you that?’
Anna’s eyes dart around Rosie’s face again, searching for the right answer. ‘Eddy told me, so Seb must have mentioned it to him.’
Rosie feels like her eyes have fallen out of her head and are rolling like marbles across the tiled floor. The cafe spins as her heart gallops.
‘Rosie, what’s wrong?’
Rosie stands and Anna clamps her hand back around Rosie’s arm, but this time it doesn’t feel good. This time it feels like Anna’s trying to restrain her. Rosie wiggles free. ‘He’s been talking, has he? About our sex life, or lack of sex life, blaming me for paying a prostitute…’
The teenager behind the counter looks up from her phone. Anna’s eyes are wide, appalled by this sudden, unexpected turn. ‘No, Ro, I mean, I don’t know what that man’s doing but…’
‘He’s trying to justify what he did by blaming me, saying he had to go and pay for sex because I wasn’t giving it to him for free– that’s what he’s doing.’
Anna looks disappointed that her meeting is being so badly derailed but Rosie feels light with anger, and it feels good, like she’s high.
‘I’ve got to go,’ she says, turning towards the door.
‘Wait, let me come too. I need to tell you about…’
‘Anna, please, just let me go.’
‘Oh, Ro, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry…’
Rosie doesn’t hear the rest because she’s already walked out of the cafe, the door banging behind her as she runs back to her car.
She parks badly outside their house and rushes inside. Seb’s sitting at the kitchen table, hunched over his computer that still carries all those women inside. How fucking dare he be sitting there so normally, so untouched by everything he’s done, while her world has blown up like a fucking bomb?
‘You pervert,’ she says from the open doorway.
‘Rosie!’
Seb’s cheeks pink in surprise. He looks at her, taking in her soggy, bedraggled appearance, and stands up from the table.
‘Rosie, how was your…?’ He moves towards her, like he wants to tame her, just like Anna.
She pulls away and growls, ‘Don’t you fucking come near me.’
‘Just… Ro, please, tell me what’s happened because I…’
Behind her, the front door bangs back on its hinges.
In her hurry to get to him she didn’t shut it properly and the wind has blown it open.
Seb hurries to close it. She wants to hit him then, hit him because she knows he’ll be worrying about someone overhearing them, someone hearing the truth she can feel bubbling up, about to burst out of her.