Chapter 17
Luca
My eyes fluttered open as cool air swirled around the room.
I had a headache, but my stomach was okay.
The nightmare had shaken me, but now Axel’s arms held me like a vice, even though his chest rose and fell in a slow, steady rhythm.
We were melded together on the sofa with my head on his chest. God, I hope I hadn’t drooled on him.
I could have stayed here all day with my left arm draped across his abdomen.
Even though my arm was tingling from being pinned under me, I wanted to memorize how it felt to be in his arms, the scent of his cologne, and the sound of his heart beating under my ear, strong and steady.
Normally, I hated being touched, but not by him.
Somehow, Axel’s demons had joined with mine.
We couldn’t be more opposite, except pain wasn’t choosy.
It didn’t matter where the hurt came from, just that it existed and lived in the soul. And his soul had found mine.
“Can I take your hair down?” he whispered. The soft rumble vibrated against my face.
Lifting my head, his right hand gently pulled the elastic band away. When it was free, he tossed it on the table and ran his fingers through my hair. My eyes rolled back in my head as he massaged my scalp. I never knew how good that could feel, so much so that a moan escaped from me. Axel froze.
“I’m sorry. Did I pull your hair?”
I shook my head, afraid that if I tried to form words in such a relaxed state, I might blurt out something that would embarrass both of us. But when his lips met my forehead in the sweetest kiss, and he went back to messing with my hair, I curled into his side, wishing he’d never stop.
“So you like to cuddle. Good to know,” he teased, kissing my head again.
“I plead the fifth,” I mumbled into his shirt.
“The what?”
He wouldn’t know what that meant. “It means I’m not going to respond to that statement because I might get myself in trouble.”
His chest rumbled under my cheek. “You’re really adorable when you’re snockered.”
“Shut up,” I moaned. “I can’t defend myself. I might not ever drink again.”
Another kiss to the forehead. “I can fix that.” His hand left my hair to stretch across my body, smashing his chest into mine. “Please don’t dump me on the floor.” I hung on for dear life as he reached for something, then settled back.
“I would never.” His smirk said he definitely would. “Hold out your hand and take these. I’ll get the water.”
“What is it?”
“Acetaminophen. For your headache,” he replied, reaching across me again. When he pressed me into the sofa, my heart fluttered. I wanted more of his body weight on me. Wanted the connection. I knew in my heart I wanted him. And it was terrifying.
“Up you go.” He pulled me up and handed me the bottle. “You need to drink this.”
Axel watched as I swallowed them down, then took the bottle. “Are you hungry?”
I shook my head. “Not yet. I can grab something at home.”
Axel gave me an annoyed response. “No. Post-hangover breakfast is a delicate balance of carbs and fat. I’ll order breakfast.”
My stomach churned at the thought of food. When I didn’t respond, he sat down next to me, shoulder to shoulder. His heat radiated through his shirt, and I wanted to curl into him. “If you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here if you need me.”
“I know, but I’ve shared a lot with you. It works both ways, you know.”
I looked toward the office, needing a moment. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom to freshen up.” When I returned after a quick shower, I felt marginally better. “That shower is killer. I wish mine…”
Axel was still on the sofa where I’d left him fifteen minutes ago. “Are you okay?”
His brow was furrowed as he fixated on his phone screen. Glancing down at it, the screen was dark. But when he looked up, his expression changed. “What’s wrong?”
With a weighted sigh, he patted the sofa next to him. I took my seat and looked at him.
“You’re right.”
Slipping down, I put my head on his shoulder. “I usually am. But what about this time? Care to enlighten me?”
Axel chuckled at my cheeky response. That was a start. “About the sharing thing. You’re right. You share way more than I do. I’ve kept myself closed off from everyone for so long that I don’t know how. I keep it all neatly compartmentalized safely in my head.”
“Start with something small. Just one little thing. Talking about it might help you unpack it up there.”
“Nothing about my family is a little thing.”
“Then start with your birthday. When were you born?”
Axel shifted. “You realize that’s the beginning of this whole fucked up mess. The day Mason and I were born started all the fuckery.”
Evidently, I didn’t possess the same truth serum effect on him as he had on me.
“Okay, new subject. Let’s see…” A soft knock sounded on the door, prompting Axel to ease me off his shoulder before he leaped off the sofa for our food delivery.
After tipping the delivery guy, he closed the door and held up the bags. “Let’s eat.”
Once we had settled at the table outside on the terrace, Axel finally started talking. I was one bite into a greasy bacon and egg breakfast sandwich when he shared his first bit of information. “Do you remember asking me why I stepped in when Richard fired you?”
I nodded my head.
“You told that prick you’d just placed someone with Alzheimer’s.”
I wiped my mouth and took a drink of my coffee. “I remember. It had been a stellar day until that happened.”
“I could tell. It was written all over your face outside the bar.” His eyes drifted over my face as if seeing me for the first time.
“His response flipped a switch in me because my mother has Alzheimer’s.
It takes a special person to truly care for others, especially people like her.
She’s becoming more difficult to deal with.
The last time I saw her, she didn’t recognize me. ”
I reached out and put my hand on his arm. “It’s not you. It’s part of the disease.”
“I know,” he said. “But I have so much hate inside me, Luca, that it frightens me. Our parents chose to separate us so that they could see each other. He took Mason to Connecticut, and she kept me. They assumed his rich new wife in America would finally give him a divorce so he could return to my mother. But that didn’t happen.
He allowed that woman to take her anger out on my innocent twin brother. ”
I squeezed his hand to let him know I was there.
“When he walked away from us, my mother was never the same. She went into a mental spiral that she was never able to recover from. I had to make excuses for why she never showed up at school for anything. When I played soccer, she never came to one single match. But there always seemed to be plenty of fucking money available. And as soon as hockey became an option, I took it. If Perry hadn’t come along during the year she finally got herself together, I’d still be in that fucking flat, taking care of everything.
Now my role is to pay for her living, but I washed my hands of being there every day. ”
“It’s okay. You did an amazing job with what you had to work with. Look at where you are and what you’ve made of your life.”
Axel was crying but didn’t seem to notice. “I’m so dead inside that I don’t feel one bit of remorse for anything.” His eyes found mine. “What does that say about me? I’ll never have a normal life because no one will ever want the fucked up man I’ve become.”
I got up and went to him. Pulling him from the chair, I took him in my arms and held him close.
Axel’s arms wrapped around me as his body shook.
He cried in my arms, and I was thankful I could be there for him.
When he stopped, I took his face between my palms. “Listen to me. You were a child who had to be a grown-up well before you should have been. That’s solely on them.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your feelings are justified. They are valid.”
His eyes hung onto mine as I wiped his tears away.
I wanted to tell him I wanted him. “You’re not fucked up, Axel.
You’re hurt. And when it comes at the hands of people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, it’s almost unbearable.
They let both of you down in the worst way.
But the fact that you did all of that proves the opposite of what you think.
It proves what a good man you are. Your heart is not dark, it’s just badly bruised and needs some tender loving care. ”
“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered.
“Yes, you do. And a whole lot more.” Placing kisses on his forehead, just like he’d done to me, I held him in my arms, grateful he’d shared his pain with me.
We stayed wrapped around each other until Axel took my hand and pulled me inside. Without a word, he turned on the TV and pulled me back down on the sofa with him. “What are we doing?” I asked as we stretched out in the position we’d been in earlier.
“We’re spending the day on the sofa, and I’m going to hold you until I feel better.”
Some crazy form of happiness filled me as I leaned in to kiss his chest, then closed my eyes. I still didn’t know what we were to each other, but for the first time in a long while, I was willing to take the chance.