Chapter 31
Luca
By the second week of October, I was juggling my job, my capstone project, and my limited free time while trying to attend hockey games.
After my moment of insecurity regarding Heath, Axel made a point to see me when I couldn’t attend.
Some nights, he came to me at the library with a late dinner to make sure I’d eaten, or I went to him, no matter how late it was.
I always slept better with Axel. He kept my nightmares away.
With the changing weather, our staff was spread thin.
That meant I needed to make more home visits to check on my most vulnerable seniors who were trying to make it on their own.
We had a symbiotic relationship. They liked to talk, and I liked to listen.
But I always felt like I could do more. Funding was regularly an issue, and we were constantly faced with a shortage of beds in the better facilities.
The need to find a solution had been the catalyst for choosing my capstone project to focus on community resources for the aging.
I was working on my never-ending trail of paperwork when my boss walked into my cubicle. “Hey, Luca,” Susanna called, “a call just came in to the switchboard with concern for one of your clients.”
Triggered immediately, I stood from the desk, scattering my paperwork everywhere. “Who? What’s wrong?”
She held her hands up to calm me. “She’s okay. The lady said Ms. Claudette isn’t quite herself. She knows how much Claudette loves you, so she thought it might be good for you to check on her.”
My pulse began to normalize. “Is she at home? Did she say what was wrong? Maybe she should call 911 to have her evaluated.” I hated to receive those calls, but they were inevitable when you cared for seniors.
She put her hand on my shoulder. “Breathe. Medically, she seemed fine. Just down.”
I ran my hands through my hair, then checked the time. “Yeah. I’ll go now.” I bent down to gather all the papers scattered on the floor, but she stopped me.
“I’ve got this. You go.”
Nodding, I grabbed my bag and my computer before heading down the stairs.
By the time I got to her apartment across town in the West Village, it was already five. Stopping to buy a small fall bouquet of orange, yellow, and purple flowers from the street vendor, I climbed the stairs and knocked on her door. “Ms. Claudette, it’s me.”
With my heart in my throat, I knocked a second time before I heard her moving around inside the apartment. “Luca, is that you?”
“Yes, ma’am. I brought you some flowers.
” The locks slowly disengaged, and when she opened the door, my eyes ran over one of my favorite clients.
Dressed in her night clothes, her smile wasn’t as bright as normal, and she looked tired.
I wasn’t supposed to have favorites, but Ms. Claudette didn’t leave me any choice, just like Edith.
My heart latched onto them, maybe because, like me, they had no one in this big, bad world.
Except that wasn’t true for me anymore. I had Axel.
“Oh, Luca. You are so sweet,” she said, opening the door for me to enter. “Let’s put them in some water.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I went to her kitchen and found a tall glass to put them in. “I heard you haven’t been out much lately, and I know how much you enjoy them.”
As I cut the stems and ran the water, I looked around her apartment. It wasn’t as tidy as usual, but that wasn’t surprising for someone her age. Without anyone coming by regularly to check on her, it was easy to let things go to the wayside.
“How are you enjoying the meals that are being delivered?”
She smiled softly as she sat down in her recliner. “I don’t have much of an appetite these days. It’s been too hot to eat.”
When I had the flowers arranged, I placed them next to her chair. “But you need to eat something. Are you feeling okay? Is there something I can do for you? You know if you’d like more socialization, we could look into one of our assisted-living communities.”
“I don’t want to move. I just want to live my days here in this place. It’s been home for 55 years.”
I took her hand to assess her temperature. “I know. And rent-controlled apartments are hard to find.”
“That’s why I’m staying here.” She looked me over. “How are you doing, dear? How much longer do you have in school?”
“I’m almost finished. This is the last semester.”
“I’m sure you’re happy about that.”
I would be when that weight was off my shoulders. “Very. It should give me more time to visit my favorite people.”
We talked for a while, and I finally convinced her to eat. I warmed up one of the meals that had been delivered.
“When was the last time you went in for a checkup?”
She waved the fork in the air. “I don’t need to go to the doctor. I’m fine.”
I heard Axel in my head. That’s not what I asked. “Well, I think we should get Miss Shirley to take you to get a checkup and get your flu shot. It’s time.”
She waved her fork again in a hesitant agreement. “I’ll make the appointment for you.”
“You don’t have to do that, Luca. I can do it.”
“I want to,” I said, taking my phone out to add it to my calendar for tomorrow.
When she was finished, I stood and went to the door. “I’ll be back next week to check on you. I’ll bring you another bouquet to replace that one.” I turned and took her hand. “You will call the office if you need anything, right?”
“I promise.” She squeezed back. “I’m proud of you. If I had a grandson, I’d want him to be just like you. Thank you for looking after me.”
Bending down, I hugged her. “It’s my pleasure. I’ll see you next week.”
“Okay, sweetheart,” she said, locking the door behind me.
If I had known that was the last time I’d see her, I would have stayed longer. Would have had her tell me more stories about growing up in New York City. About her husband before he died. I had immense guilt for waiting a week to check on her.
When another call came in five days later, notifying us that Claudette had passed away, it hit me harder than I expected.
I quietly held myself together until the end of the day, not allowing the pain I felt to show.
Every time I lost one of them, it made me wonder how I could do it much longer. Loss over and over tore at my soul.
I sat in my car, in Axel’s driveway, waiting for him to come home from practice. They were home, with no game until Wednesday. I’d held it in all day, but as soon as I saw him, I couldn’t do it any longer. She was like family, the pieces that I never had.
When he found me in my car, head on the steering wheel, all it took was one look to breach the dam of pain I’d been holding back.
Axel opened the door, then squatted down beside me.
My heart ached, and he was the only one who could help me.
“What’s wrong, baby? What happened?” Turning in my seat, I reached for him, crying in his neck, words unable to form.
He held me until I stopped crying. His knees had to be killing him.
“Come on, let’s go in the house. I want to hear it all. ”
When we were settled on the sofa, he pulled me into his lap.
“I’m not sure I’m cut out for this job. I thought I was. All this time, all the school work, but every time I lose one, it takes a little piece of me with them. I thought I was doing the right thing. I just don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know that I’m strong enough.”
Axel held me close. “What happened?”
I pulled back and wiped my face, embarrassed that I was falling apart.
I never cried, but somehow, I knew I could cry with him.
“The lady I told you about last week, Claudette, she died.” I wiped at my face as tears came.
“She wasn’t doing well, and I didn’t get over there to check on her enough.
Between all my responsibilities, I’m failing everything.
Including you. I haven’t been over to see Edith. I’m falling apart.”
He rubbed my back and held onto me. “Number one, you’re not failing me. I’m fine. I realize you’ve got a lot on your plate, and my schedule doesn’t make it easier. You can only do so much, love, and you can’t be everywhere. Unfortunately, people leave us, and we’re left to go on. But I’ve got you.”
I turned my teary eyes on him. “We don’t even have time for sex. And I love sex.”
His smile made me feel better as he kissed the side of my face. “We’re fine. You’re doing the best you can, love. We’ll make it through.”
I wiped my eyes. “I’m sorry I missed your last game.”
He rubbed my back. “It’s okay. How about I run you a bath while I make dinner? You can relax, or cry, or whatever you need to do. I’ll get you a glass of wine.”
I sat back and looked at him. “Don’t leave me.”
Axel’s eyes roamed my face. “Never.”
I wanted to believe him, but with each passing day, things got more complicated.
The hockey season was in full swing, and a long road trip was looming.
To distract myself from missing him, I became absorbed in my responsibilities, while he spent more time with Heath, and I spent a lot of time studying with Caden.
I’d even found myself confiding in him about my insecurities.
I had to hope it wouldn’t end in disaster, because trust was difficult for two broken people.