Chapter 14
DEXTER
The past three weeks had been the most difficult of Dexter’s life. For as long as he could remember, it had been him and his mum against the world. Even when she’d been at her lowest points, she’d always been his biggest cheerleader. It still hadn’t fully sunk in that she’d gone.
The day he got the news was a bit of a blur.
He knew Simon had gotten them back to London, and the man had barely left his side ever since.
Dexter had wanted to be in his own flat, so Simon had worked from there.
He wasn’t sure what people had said about his not being in the office, but he didn’t care.
Without Simon, he wouldn’t have been able to function and get to this point where he could say goodbye to the woman who he’d always believed would be there.
His mum’s funeral hadn’t been a grand affair.
There were about thirty people. They didn’t have any other family, and his mum only had a few close friends and neighbours.
The others were more acquaintances, and Dexter had made it clear they weren’t welcome.
He blamed them for his mother’s relapse.
He knew it wasn’t rational – she was an adult, and had made her own bad choices – but she wasn’t here, so he had to blame someone other than himself.
He’d done that enough over the past few weeks, wondering what he could have done to notice the signs.
Had he been so wrapped up in getting away for a weekend with Simon that he hadn’t picked up on something?
When he last saw her, there had been nothing to indicate she was using again.
She’d been like his mum used to be, concerned for him but happy that he might have found someone.
At least she’d known about Simon before she died.
He wasn’t sure why that was so important, but it was.
From what he’d learned from the police – because they were involved given it was a sudden death – his mother had scored some gear from somewhere, taken it, and her heart had just stopped beating.
Respiratory failure was on the interim death certificate, but the underlying reason was still unknown.
It could have been bad gear, that she’d taken too much, or because her body was just done after years of abuse and had given up on her.
Dexter wouldn’t know until after the inquest, which would be at least six months away.
It had been one of his mum’s neighbours who’d called him that morning.
They’d wanted him to hear it from someone he knew, rather than the police or someone from the hospital.
He was grateful for that. Dexter wasn’t sure what he’d have done if he’d been alone when he got the news.
How would he have coped these past three weeks without Simon?
He’d led on all the funeral arrangements, making sure Dexter just decided what he needed to, and he’d still worked and comforted him every night.
The guy was a superhero. Dexter worried he was becoming too dependent on him.
Simon hadn’t signed up for any of this. They’d only shared their true feelings for each other a couple of hours before he got the news.
Dexter didn’t want to be a burden or for Simon to feel obligated to stay with him.
“I wondered where you were,” said Jason.
Dexter had gone outside for a cigarette. He hadn’t smoked in ten years, but he’d found the odd one helped over the past few weeks. He looked up and saw Gabriel with him.
“Just needed some fresh air,” he replied.
“Not sure how fresh it is,” said Gabriel.
Dexter snorted. Gabriel was vehemently anti-smoking, and wouldn’t let the present circumstances stop him from expressing that view. Jason rolled his eyes at Gabriel before looking back at Dexter.
“Do you need us to get anyone?” asked Jason.
“What do you mean?”
“Simon hasn’t taken his eyes off that door since you came out here.”
They were in a pub near where his mum had lived, but not the one they’d had lunch at.
This was much more of a local, albeit slightly rough one she had visited with her neighbours a few times, and they’d suggested it.
Seemed as good a place as any, since the landlady had a function room they could use and had put on a buffet.
Well, Simon had arranged it all. Dexter had eaten none of the food.
In fact, he wouldn’t have eaten anything recently if Simon hadn’t cooked for them each night and glared at him until his plate was clean.
Who knew the man had been hiding such amazing culinary skills?
The compliments about his own cooking felt even more special now. Dexter couldn’t help but chuckle.
“What’s funny?” asked Gabriel.
“Just remembering Simon forcing me to eat the last few weeks.”
“You’re so lucky.”
“What? For eating?”
“No, you idiot. For Simon.”
“What? Do you fancy Simon now?”
Gabriel laughed. “No. I mean to have a guy who loves you like that. I know I found it a bit of a headfuck when I first found out, but listening to the way he talks about you, how he looks at you, everything he’s done for you since your mum died .
. . I’m in awe of the guy. Very different from who I thought he was. ”
“Maybe he just feels obligated because he was there when I got the news.”
“You shut the fuck up with that kind of thinking,” said Jason.
“I’m the drama queen who overthinks in this group – well, in any group I’m in.
Look, I did not like that man when I first met him, and even I wasn’t sure when I found out about you two, but that man loves you so much.
Don’t fuck up the best thing that’s ever happened to you. It’s just the grief talking.”
Dexter couldn’t stop the tears as he nodded. He knew that. Jason pulled him into a hug.
“Gabriel,” said Jason.
“Ugh, I’m gonna smell of smoke now,” he grumbled, joining their hug.
This made them all laugh, but it gave Dexter comfort knowing he had these two friends who had started out as colleagues. Now he couldn’t imagine his life without either of them.
Dexter woke up with Simon’s arms wrapped around him.
He hadn’t felt drunk yesterday, but he had a splitting headache now.
He wasn’t even sure what day it was. Dexter knew he wasn’t due back at work until Monday, but what about Simon?
Was it selfish of Dexter to want Simon to spend the day with him?
He’d asked so much of him in the past three weeks.
Maybe he needed a break from Dexter. Now that the funeral was done, would he go back to his own place?
Dexter had loved having Simon here every night, and couldn’t imagine not waking up with him, but of course he had his own place.
Even if Dexter had never been there. Simon always stayed here.
Why was that? Did he want to keep Dexter out of his space?
It had been his marital home. Maybe he thought Dexter would taint it.
“I can hear your brain catastrophising from here,” said Simon, with his sleepy morning voice.
He pulled Dexter tight against him, poking him with his morning wood. They’d done little over the past three weeks, although sometimes Dexter wanted to get out of his head and just be pinned to the bed and fucked into a coma. Simon had always obliged and met his needs.
“I’m sorry,” said Dexter, hearing his voice crack.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I feel like I’ve been really selfish, and just disrupted your life.”
“I love you. You’re in pain. Just let me look after you,” he said, kissing his neck and pulling him in even tighter.
Dexter couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
Simon turned him over so they were facing each other.
It was kind of annoying how hot Simon still was, with his bedhead and unkempt stubble.
Dexter knew he looked a mess at the moment, but Simon didn’t seem to care.
Simon brushed Dexter’s hair away from his forehead.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” asked Simon.
“Feels like a marching band at the moment.”
“Let me get you some paracetamol and water.”
Simon went to get up, but Dexter pulled him back.
“Don’t get up yet. I want to stay like this until you have to go to work.”
“I’m not working today.”
“What? How come?”
“I want to be here for you.”
Dexter couldn’t stop himself from crying. Simon pulled him into a hug, kissing his forehead.
“I’m so lucky to have you,” Dexter choked out.
“I know!”
“Piss off,” Dexter laughed.
Simon used his thumbs to wipe away Dexter’s tears before giving him a gentle kiss.
“So, we don’t have to do anything at all today?” asked Dexter.
“No, whatever you want. I need to drop by my place over the weekend, though.”
“Do you want to go today? I’m happy to stay here.”
“Do you want to come with me?”
“To your place?”
“Yes. Why do you sound so surprised?”
“It’s just that I’ve never been there.”
“I would have had you round sooner, but I know you feel better in your own place. I don’t care where we are, as long as I’m with you.”
Dexter felt like he was going to melt into the mattress.
How did he end up with a guy who was so perfect?
Well, he wasn’t perfect, or they wouldn’t have been going at each other’s throats a few months ago.
He couldn’t believe he’d been doing whatever he could to get another job.
Now he couldn’t imagine not working with Simon, but he knew something would need to change at work.
It wasn’t just that Simon was his manager, but they were in HR and were supposed to be role models for how to behave.
“When are you going to talk to Alex about us?”
“Ooh, sexy talk.”
“I’m serious. I don’t want you getting into trouble because of me.”
“It’s just a job, Dexter. You’re my number one priority.”
“Stop being sweet and thoughtful.”
Simon frowned at him. “You want me to be an arsehole to you?”
“No, but I can’t be mad at you when you’re being nice.”
“Why would you want to be mad at me?”
“I don’t want you throwing away your career for me.”