Chapter Thirty-Seven Declan
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Declan
Day of the wedding
Surprisingly, I’ve learned a lot about love over the years of my life. I’ve learned that it can hurt as much as it can heal. I’ve learned that it’s not enough to make someone happy. I’ve learned that it’s more selfish than selfless.
And I’ve learned that I’m really bloody bad at it.
I didn’t touch a drink all night. Instead, I listened to rain pummel our house as I picked up all of the messy memories scattered around the floor. Then I put them all back in the chest, and I closed it—for good.
I’m not angry at Colin for not showing. I could never be really cross with him.
And how could I blame him for making his choice when that’s what I’ve been urging him to do all these years?
From that night in the alley to last night at the party.
I had spent eight years trying to prove his own worth to him.
If nothing else, I could consider myself lucky for the sheer greatness of what we had when we had it—because it was great.
By some miracle, I manage to get ready. I think I’m numb at this point. Sleep-deprived.
Heartbroken.
Either way, I’m able to shower, brush my teeth, and don my white shirt, gray jacket, and kilt for my best friend’s wedding. Every few steps, my feet falter, and I nearly lose what little composure I have left.
Nevertheless, I reach the main floor of the house to find it far quieter and eerier than I expected. The rain and wind pound on the windows of the house, which means any plans of a ceremony in the gazebo are out of the question now.
My feet halt, another small stumble and a moment of dizziness before I swallow down the pain and keep going.
The familiar click of my sister’s heels against the hardwood draws my attention to the foyer. She’s scurrying toward me with a look of concern on her face.
“Mum’s heels,” I mutter with a sad smile.
Her head tilts with confusion as she approaches me. “What are you talking about?”
“Whenever I hear you walking around here in those heels, it always reminds me of Mum.”
Sadness morphs her features. “Oh, Declan,” she says, reaching for me. As she wraps me up in her arms, I try to stay tough. I’m not a small boy. This is nothing like that day she broke the news to me, holding me while I proceeded to not shed a single tear.
This is nothing like that day.
Although it feels familiar.
I rest my cheek against my sister’s shoulder as she rubs my back. “I won the bet,” I mumble sadly.
“I don’t care about the bet, Declan,” she murmurs against the side of my head. “I care about you. The same way I care about Killian. And Lachlan. I just want my brothers to be happy, and it seems like you are all defiantly against that.”
I laugh a little into her embrace. “We don’t make it easy.”
“No, you don’t.”
Pulling away from her hug, I let out a heavy sigh.
Then my sister makes a face as if she’s realized something. “Wait, you didn’t win the bet.”
I pause with an expression of scrutiny. “What?”
“I thought you knew,” she says. “The wedding is off.”
“Because of the weather,” I reply, glancing at the window.
Slowly, she shakes her head. “Because Colin called it off.”
The vise around my chest is released, and I take a deep, life-giving breath. One I feel like I’ve been holding for twenty years.
“Where is he?” I ask.
“Dunno,” she replies. “Blaire called me and said it was off. By the time I got here, everyone was gone.”
“I have to find him,” I mutter, passing my sister to run straight through the house toward the parlor, then the kitchen, and then up to the guest rooms. Each one of them is empty, and the staff is pulling sheets from the beds.
I hear a car door slam outside, and panic builds inside of me as I sprint out toward the drive.
As I barrel out the front door, I stop in my tracks as Pierce stands at the back of his Rolls-Royce, his hands on the boot.
With a placid expression on his face, he turns toward me.
His eyes are half lidded, unimpressed as he shoves his hands in his front pockets.
The rain has lightened to a typical Scottish drizzle, but it soaks the both of us in moments regardless.
“Where is he?” I mutter, gazing to the windows of the car in search of my Colin.
“How the hell should I know?” Pierce replies flatly.
My brows furrow as the American waltzes toward me with indignation in his eyes. My mind is swirling with questions I can’t seem to form.
“I knew it was a risk bringing him here,” Pierce says as he leans against his car. “Maybe that’s why I did it. To test him. To see if I truly had his loyalty. Turns out I didn’t, because he chose to stay here with you.”
I glance back up at the manor behind me, hoping to find Colin staring out one of the windows in search of me, but they’re all empty. When I don’t respond, Pierce continues.
“You can’t give him what he needs, you know?” he says, this time with less haughty confidence than he had last night.
I take a menacing step forward. “Yes, I bloody can, and I will.”
“You’re too soft on him. He craves control. That you could possibly pull off, but the degradation? Never. You love him too much.”
“That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard,” I growl.
He lets out a sardonic laugh. “The most absurd thing I’ve ever heard is you having him for nearly a decade and letting him go. If you love him so much.”
“A mistake I won’t make again.” There’s a tension headache brewing from how tightly I’m scowling at the man in front of my house.
I don’t know why I’m even bothering to argue with him.
Maybe because he got in my head last night.
He had me thinking I was wrong for Colin, which is ridiculous. I was made for Colin.
“I’ll be waiting for him when you do.”
Fueled by resentment, I take two fuming steps toward the man, grab him by the collar of his shirt, and shake him as I snarl in his face.
“You will never touch Colin Shelby again, because he’s mine.
He has always been mine, and he always will be mine.
And not because I fixed him or trained him or preyed on him in his weakest moments like you did.
But because he chose me. Because I give him a voice and I encourage him to fucking use it.
I will be everything that man needs and more, because we belong to each other.
That’s what love is for, and if you even dare to speak to him again, I will do whatever I have to in order to protect him, ya ken?
Now get in your ugly car and get the fuck off my bloody property. Now.”
Releasing him, I take a step back and let out the heavy breath I was holding.
To my relief, he doesn’t utter another word.
With a huff of frustration and a shake of his head, he climbs into the driver’s seat and takes off, kicking up gravel in his wake.
As I watch his taillights disappear in the distance, a sense of contentment washes over me.
It’s over.
Spinning around toward the house, I find my sister standing in the doorway, waiting for me. There are tears in her eyes and a tight, thin smile on her face.
“Anna, I’m sorry,” I mumble with defeat as my shoulders slump.
She scurries toward me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “Don’t apologize to me,” she whispers in my ear. “I’ve never been prouder of you. That is the Declan I know and love.”
“I just ruined the wedding and kicked out the groom,” I argue. “Aren’t ye mad?”
Pulling away, she holds my shoulders with a look of motherly affection. “Not a wee bit. Now, go upstairs and make things right. There’s someone waiting for you.”
My gaze shoots up to the third floor, and this time I find his blue eyes watching from the window. I take off in a mad dash, but first I hug my sister again. She kisses my cheek before I slip out of her grasp.
“I’m leaving,” she hollers.
“Good,” I reply, stopping at the door. “You should.”
I hear her laughter before slamming the front door behind me and stomping through the house toward the stairs.
My mind is racing as I run down the hall toward my studio, and I make my plan.
I’ll move if I have to. I’ll live in Hollywood or London or on the bloody moon if he needed me to.
I’ll be whatever and wherever he needs me, without question.
I’ll tell him I love him, and I’ll even fucking marry him if that’s what he wants.
I’ll prove to him over time that he can trust me, and I won’t shut myself off like I did last time.
And when I reach the end of the hall and step into the studio, I come to a screeching halt as I find Colin Shelby standing by the window, looking down at a sketch he’s holding. His golden waves shine even without the sun’s rays, as pure and beautiful as the day I met him.
Every breath I drag into my chest shakes as I stare at him, trying to make time stop so I can soak in this moment.
Then, for some reason, and for the first time in a very, very long time, I feel tears begin to moisten my eyes. It stings the more I try to fight them off, but when I finally blink, they begin to spill over.
“You came,” I mumble through the tears.
“Of course I did,” he replies. “I’m sorry I’m late.”
I let out a noise like a laugh and a sob. Then, I do what feels the most natural in the moment and I drop to my knees on the floor.
“You can be as late as you want, Shakespeare. I told you I’d be waiting.”
He turns to face me, pausing for a moment when he finds me kneeling and sobbing for him.
“Oh, Declan,” he says as his face morphs with empathy. “You’re crying.”
It’s like a dam has been broken. A thunderous wave of emotion pours from my heart as I stare at him. Grief, gratitude, and love—so much love.
“You’re here,” I say, wiping my eyes.
“I told him I couldn’t marry him. I’m sorry it took longer than I expected.”
“I don’t care,” I reply with a slow shake of my head. “As long as you’re here.”
For a few moments, the only sound in the room is the rain on the windows, and it’s so beautifully tender that I don’t want to disturb it. I have so many questions, so many thoughts and apologies and promises, but right now I just want to look at him.
All I want is for Colin to cross this room and come to me, but I sense his hesitation. I don’t blame him for it. I hurt him once, and it will take time before he trusts that I will never do it again.
Colin is the first one to start, breaking the silence.
“He said you would break my heart again, and I’ll be honest, Declan. Part of me thinks that too, but I don’t stand a chance of resisting you. I’d let you break my heart a million times in a lifetime.”
This moment feels like now or never. All of the things I should have said that night as he cried in the rain, begging me to give him what I should have already given, no questions asked. I owe him that and so much more.
“I’m a fool,” I mutter from the floor. “For ever breaking your heart at all, I’m the world’s biggest fool. It was wrong of me to use you like I did and push you away, and I’m sorry, but I will never, ever break your heart again. Not as long as I live. I’ve got seven years of misery to learn from.”
He takes a step toward me, and it fills me with hope as I continue.
“I was so afraid of losing you, I never let myself fully have you, and for eight years, I thought I was the only one suffering for that, Colin. I didn’t see the pain I was putting you through.
But if you give me another chance, I promise I will spend the rest of our lives making it up to you and proving to you just how much you mean to me.
I love you with every cell in my body. Shakespeare, you are perfect, and I don’t deserve you, but I promise that I will love you enough to make up for every moment in the last fifteen years when you doubted it. ”
When his throat moves as he swallows and his nostrils flare, I know he’s about to cry. Before long, tears prick his eyes as his cheeks turn pink.
“Declan, I want you to get better, and I want to be here for you when you do. I don’t want you to push me away again.”
“I won’t,” I say with promise. “I’ll go to therapy. I’ll get out of the bloody house. I’ll let my sister boss me around and make me take care of myself.”
He’s just out of reach, only a few feet away, and I wait patiently for him to come close enough to touch, but it has to be his move. He has to make this choice for himself.
“And what about me?” he asks with a hint of hesitation. “You can still give me what I need? I like this lifestyle, Declan. Can you promise me that?”
“I’ll do my best to always give you everything you need, but at times, Shakespeare, I don’t want you kneeling for me. I don’t want you to always be my submissive. In our lives, I want you as my equal. I want to hear your voice.”
He takes another step closer. “I want to get married someday, Declan. I want a life with the man I love, not one week a year.”
“I’ll give you every day of my life until I die, I promise.”
He takes another step closer.
“Say it again,” he mumbles through his tears. “Promise me.”
“Colin Shelby, I promise. I promise you everything you want and everything you need,” I say, staring into his eyes. “I’m yours if you want me.”
He wipes the tear from his cheek before he takes the final step, and he’s close enough to press my face against him. I let out a sigh of relief as he touches my head.
“Of course I want you, Declan. Every person in the world could be in this room, and I’d still pick you.”
I squeeze my arms around his legs as I let my tears of relief soak his black trousers.
“Declan, for Christ’s sake, please stand up and kiss me.”
I nearly burst up to my feet, grabbing his face and bringing his lips to mine. He clutches my shirt as my mouth devours his. I’m moaning into our kiss, and he lets out a whimper when I tug his bottom lip between my teeth.
“Declan,” he gasps as I continue kissing him hungrily.
“What?” I grunt.
“You’re wearing a kilt,” he says plainly.
I pause, glancing down at my tartan and back up at his face. “Aye, for your wedding, remember?”
He bites his bottom lip, glancing down at it again, then letting his eyes rake their way up my body. “I’ve just…never seen you in a kilt before.”
My brows shoot upward as I notice the effect it has on him. Grabbing him by the ass, I tug him against me, grinding myself against him. “Shakespeare, are you thinking of all the dirty things you’d like to do to me in this kilt?”
“So what if I am?” he replies with an adorable smile through the fresh tears.
“Noted.” Then I dive back in, desperate for his mouth, and I kiss the smile right off it.