Chapter 17 #2
Viv shook her head. Fear—hot and menacing—bubbled and swelled inside her chest. “I want to, but I think this way is better for now.”
“We’ve been together for nearly a month, Vivi. Really together.”
It was true. It was like concentrated dating. A see-each-other-every-single-day-because-we-can’t-be-apart kind of dating. But for whatever reason, that only added to her fear. “I know,” she said. “It’s going really well. But the boys, they’ll get attached to you. I don’t want that to happen if—”
“If I’m going to go and mess things up again?” he mumbled. “Tsk, great way to approach our relationship, Viv—assume it’s going to fail.”
“I can’t just assume it’s going to work out either.”
“Have I given you any reason to make you think—”
“It’s not about you, Duke.” Viv stepped away from the breakfast bar and broke into a pace. “It’s about two little boys who’ve never had a dad, okay? They wish they did, so they…they’ll really attach themselves to you.”
She heard the rev of an engine on the other end of the line. “Where are you?” she asked.
“Just passed the park.”
“Passed it? Why? We’ll be there in a few minutes.”
She recognized the sound of an engine shifting gears. The sound of a blinker. And eventually, the unmistakable crank of a parking brake.
“Duke?” she came again.
A car door slammed through the line. Or maybe it was out front. Slowly then, Viv ventured from the kitchen and into the dining room, head tilted to see out the front window.
A knock sounded at the door. Viv glanced at the time. The boys’ ball practice shouldn’t be over for another ten minutes.
She hurried into the front room and peered through the glass screen door that separated her from her visitor.
Her heart fluttered out of beat as she recognized his pristine sports clothes, tall, toned stature and, at last, the strong, unmistakable planes of his handsome face.
“You’re here?” she blurted.
His brow stayed furrowed. “I’ll leave before the boys get here if that’s what you’re worried about. But this is a conversation we should have in person.”
Viv pushed open the door and waved him in. “I don’t see why it has to happen at all. I’m their mom. Don’t you think I know what’s best for them?”
Even as she held his gaze, Viv felt she was standing on shaky ground.
Pictures of the boys in their baseball uniforms stood in frames on the bookshelf at his back.
As much as Duke fit in her life, he seemed oddly out of place in her house, among the massive lounge chair they shared while reading bedtime stories.
Or the sofa they snuggled on to watch movies.
Viv had grown very protective of that side, and she wasn’t sure how to let anyone in.
Duke slipped a hand into his pocket and squared a look at her. His chest rose with what she could only guess was trapped frustration. “Let me repeat your plan so you can hear how crazy it sounds.”
Viv gritted her teeth tight, folded her arms, and fought back an eye-roll.
“You want me to pull up to the park, see you and your boys sitting there, pretend we’re strangers—”
“Or old acquaintances,” she said.
His face fell flat before the heat returned in his eyes.
“Or old acquaintances…” He sighed, lifted the ball cap off his head, and ran a hand through his hair.
“Instead of telling your kids that I’ve been dating you.
Instead of telling them that we planned this date together, especially so I could meet them and they could meet me, you want me to lie to them.
Pretend it’s happenstance, and then what?
Do the same thing again each week? This is ridiculous, Vivi. ”
Knots of tangled nerves threatened to tighten her throat. Forget shaky ground, whatever she stood on was crumbling completely. But the fact only made her scramble all the more. “It’s not exactly lying,” she said under her breath, working to see the sense she once saw in the plan.
“Oh, isn’t it, Verit??”
The use of her pen name was a low jab. One she hadn’t expected him to take. “I don’t know if this is going to work,” she said.
“I don’t mean to push, Viv. I really don’t.
But I don’t want to be some dirty little secret you’re scared to tell your boys about.
Something you have to hide from everyone.
” He headed toward the door, but paused before pressing it open.
“When you’re ready to tell the boys that we’re dating—when you’re ready to let go of this bull crap pretense and let them meet me as me, let me know. ”
Viv watched him walk out then. As good as she might be at looking into the hearts of others, Viv knew there was something she was missing about herself. About her desperation to protect the boys from something as real as people coming and going. It was a normal part of life.
She rushed to the door and pushed it open herself. “Where are you going?”
Duke had the car door open and was about to climb in. He straightened up to square a look at her. The ache in his blue eyes, in the deep crease in his brow, made her heart sting.
He was waiting on her, she knew that much. He wanted her to give him something. Anything.
She reached inside herself, wondering if she had anything to offer. Something safe. Something easy. But nothing came.
At last, Duke climbed into the car and closed the door behind him. Viv didn’t stay to watch him back out and pull away. Instead, she hurried back into the kitchen, grabbed the next sandwich, and rested it on the corner of the butcher paper.
Within minutes, the boys were home, alive with excitement over finally getting their jerseys. Questions swarmed her mind as she tried to return their enthusiasm. Was she inwardly set on this being her life? What was really stopping her from letting Duke into their lives?
She’d told her parents she was dating Duke. Neither had warned her to keep the boys from knowing. In fact, when Viv had told them not to mention it to them, they’d advised her to do it herself sooner rather than later. That there was no need to keep secrets from them.
You don’t want them to get hurt. It’s as simple as that. But was it?
“Get in the car, boys.”
“Can we bring our stuff and play some more at the park?” Diego asked.
“Yes, of course.” As she hurried the kids out the door, she was inwardly searching for an honest answer to the question in her head. What did she fear most of all?
She’d spent nearly every day—for the last nine years—making sure their every need was met. Making sure the twins didn’t feel the absence of their father. Making sure she was enough.
If she let someone else in, all of that could change. She might not be enough anymore.
And that’s when it hit her. She was scared of being rejected, not only by Duke, but by the twins too. Viv might not be enough anymore, and that idea terrified her. But that didn’t mean she was in the right.
“Boys,” Viv blurted suddenly, glancing at them through the rearview mirror.
Dante tossed the ball into the mitt. “Yeah?”
“Huh?” Diego asked while rearranging his cap.
Viv nodded, gulped, and assured herself she was doing the right thing. “I’ve got something to tell you.”