Chapter 12
Do I dream about a different goodbye between me and Jude? One where he gushes over how much he misses me before pulling me into his strong arms and kissing me senseless?
Nope, I don’t.
I want to, but instead, I dream about a chaotic kitchen with a frantic feline who somehow breaks into hybrid mode, turning into Spider-Cat a moment before spinning a web from the rafters to swing himself into the frosting bowl as the camera rolls.
Pistachio green splatters everywhere, and I wake up in a pool of sweat.
Though it’s an hour and a half before my alarm goes off, I don’t try going back to sleep. I shower, get dressed, and sit on the sofa with my favorite devotional because I need Jesus more than ever.
I’m too wrapped up in getting. Getting the job, getting the guy, even getting revenge, because it would sure put Patty in her place if I got it instead of her. And since this season is meant to be about giving, I feel like a crappy human.
My friends are showing up for me, and Jude showed up for me, but what have I done for them lately?
Just then, my phone lets out a soft buzz. And call me in tune with the man who still owns my heart, but I know it’s from Jude before I even flip the phone face-up.
It is.
Jude: I miss you.
My heart begins leaping like I’m a hybrid now—part woman, part lemur. It’s not as cool as Spider-Girl, but I’ll take it. If I were teleported to a rainforest, I’d be swinging with a perma-grin from vine to vine. “Did you hear that, world?” I’d holler with glee. “He misses me!”
Sure, he was just here, but I know what he means.
He misses being together. And our time yesterday—the extended glances, warm smiles, and familiar banter—made it all the more clear.
There are still feelings between us. Our breakup is unresolved: a dangling thread just begging to be savored instead of snipped—spun into a path of new beginnings.
I stare at the text while sipping my coffee, wondering if it’d be weird to print and frame it.
Maybe dip it in bronze? It feels momentous—Jude misses me!
I could die a happy woman right here and now.
But I should probably text him first. And I don’t really mean it about the dying thing, I say inwardly with a glance toward the heavens.
I grab my phone to text him back but pause to consider. Does this mean he’s not dating Lisa?
Maybe. Either way, I can’t let the what-if question stop me now.
Me: I miss you too. Thanks again for being there yesterday. It meant…
I pause, not wanting to use a trite phrase like it meant the world or meant more than I can say, but it did.
Me: It meant everything. Safe travels.
I hit send, then open my web browser. I order a gorgeous Christmas bouquet of flowers for Nellie with a note thanking her for being such a spectacular friend.
I send a bundle of cookies to Mr. Bruce and gasp when I see they sell cookies for pets, too—genius.
I send Jinxy a few cat cookies shaped like birds and wryly muse that he could swallow Polly whole.
And since I have extra time on my hands, I send Patty a gag gift with a hate note.
Just kidding. Don’t think I’m crazy, but since I need forgiveness and everyone needs forgiveness, and because I selfishly want to feel better, I take a moment to forgive Patty in my heart and pray that whatever makes her so spiteful will heal somehow so she’ll stop being so cruel.
The fact is, I’ve seen her good side; if she didn’t want to be enemies so badly, we might actually be… well, maybe that’s a stretch.
I don’t hear back from Jude, which is fine, I assure myself.
If this morning’s exchange proves to be our last, I’ll find a way to pick up the pieces and—after rounds of raging tears and agonized self-loathing regret—move on and put it behind me once and for all.
Jude has already given me more than I deserve.
As I enter the studio, I lift one final prayer because heaven knows I need it: Please don’t let me panic and make a mess of things.